Mozza (8) + Links to success stories

[Karma12]

Really be careful Mozza. I wouldnt be agreeing to her leaving the country with the kids. I highly suggest getting legal advice.

You are still vunerable and she knows how to manipulate you.
Don't try and rescue her. Look out for yourself.

[Mozza]

She emailed me again.

Now she says she wants to review our 50/50 agreement on finances for the kids. She says she can't pay it this month. Two days before the deadline. It's about 15-20% of her salary to cover most of kids expenses (except food). She probably thinks that I make more than I actually do. I'm a freelancer and since the S, my productivity and income have decreased dramatically.

This means that our gentlemen's agreement will not stand much longer. We'll have to get stuff in writing, put out budgets on the table. Perhaps a separation agreement or a divorce altogether.

She firing from all guns now: moving away, divorce papers, finances. It might just be honest concerns. It might be that she's upset I reduced communications drastically in the last month. She's told me that life is not so good for her now. She might be looking for someone to blame.

I feel my sitch is slowly turning into that of HPoirot. My wife is pushing my buttons more than ever, things are not as rosy for her as she expected, she's finding ways to blame me for it, she's insistent on communications, she no longer respects our agreements. This happened in two weeks.

Keep cool, Mozza.

[Karma12]

Yes Mozzarella keep cool....but get your ducks in a row. Go seek legal advice. Know your rights. Protect yourself and your kids.

Now the party is not so fun and she may come looking you to bail her out or finance her. I believe in being fair but shenalsomhas to feel and deal with the choices she has made.

Now is the time to maintain your cool. Do not give her anything in writing or otherwise that she can hold against you.

For now you have to continue to detach and let her continue her journey. These are her life lessons. Good luck! Stay strong!

[jim0987]

Hi mozza. I sense you already know exactly what you need to do. It's tough anyway just know there's a bunch of people behind you here

Personally I think it's a phase/test that all WAS have to go through at least once - if things aren't as rosy as hoped it has to be because the LBS is making it so hard after all those LBS are so awful thats why they left. I think they have to go through this stage but I how they come out of it and what damage they do while they are in it are big variables.

You're doing good mozza.

[gan]

Hang in there Mozza. Have you read Crimson's story? Yours reminds me of his a little. See Crimson - rounding the bend.

[Mozza]

Thanks everyone. I much appreciate your time and feedback. I read all of it more than once and think a lot about your perspectives.

Karma12 | Yes, I will get legal advice. I'm already in touch with lawyers. Also, we've lived abroad so I'm familiar with the procedures for a single parent to leave with the kids, with the approval of the other parent. Also, she gave me the passports of the kids last week for another purpose. But I need to prepare for her July vacations abroad.

jim0987 | I also hope it's just a phase she has to go through. She's still keen on being on good terms, but she's also pulling the covers on her side. When she writes that she can't pay her half or that she can't imagine living her several more years... So, of course she wants to be on good terms because she wants something from me.

ganb8te | Thanks for the lead. I read Crimson's story some time ago and I just went to ask for an update. What is it that makes you associate his stitch to mine?

_________________

My WAW's moods have always been very changing. One week, we'd have the greatest M and she was so happy to have found me. The next, she couldn't understand why she had been unhappy for so long and we needed to fix that. I'm barely exaggerating. So I want to let this storm pass as much as I can. She's likely affected by the cold and minimum daylight, like she was when we were together. I don't know if she's back on her antidepressants that she stopped taking when she left me (she wanted to be "herself").

I want to shorten my response time to 24 hours. I feel it's just inflammatory with her and I don't see what I gain from it. I understand how it feels not to receive a response to an important email.

[Complex]

I'll pray your S won't get toxic. That must be very hard but why don't you consider legal separation? At this point you should put yourself on the safe side. But it's a big step even in a S.
Google for divorcesource...I found this site, it's very very helpful and has a very good approach on all questions around D that matches the DB ethics, plus Michelle's books are linked there.
Hope it helps.

[Mozza]

I've agreed to meet WAW on Tuesday for lunch.

She's been looking for multiple ways to meet me and now she's found it. It's fine with me. You know that deep down, that's what I want, even though I'm told it's no good for the sitch. I'm also very controlled and can behave in the right way, even if I feel different, as I've done before.

You need to write down questions to ask or things to talk about with her......like what are her intentions about the children! Did she not even mention them? How does she plan to finance this trip back, etc.

Anyway, it's a good idea to write some notes before you talk to her, b/c you'll probably be as nervous as a cat in a rocking chair factory.

Thanks for the idea, sandi2. My general take is that my WAW changes her mind regularly and sometimes I need to let things come and go without cementing any of it. That's what I did with the request to change a godmother and it worked well as she never brought it up again. In this case, I suspect a few more weeks, a change of job, and the idea will be off the table.

So to me, at issue is her attitude towards her challenges and her usual flight reaction. I do not want to hide it under some logistical problem because then if we resolve them, it implies that she/we can just move. Then the problems will start again. In fact, it's entirely plausible that if we were to move to her country, the problems would resume within 1-2 years and she'd want to move again (for instance, she doesn't get along that well with her parents, which she tends to forget when she's away). The kids and I can't follow her around for the next 15 years.

My plan is to listen to her and validate. I agree that all that she faces is difficult: she has less money, much less friends, her job environment is harsh, the weather is cold, etc. I disagree on the reaction however: no need to move abroad.

1. What has she done to address the problems she shared? (friends, money, job, weather)
2. What does she see me and the kids doing if she were to move to her country?
3. What would be the challenges of living in her country?
4. How does she suggest that we'll calculate a share of expenses other than 50/50?
5. Why does she want to start the D proceedings now, 8 months ahead of time?

I will not mention OM, although he's involved in each of these topics, as a boyfriend, coworker and roommate of hers.

Off to GAL!

[Karma12]

Sounds like you have your head on straight Mozza. I've heard so many horrible stories of one spouse running off with the kids. I could never fathome that. The children need both their parents.

[Karma12]

Mozza can you read my thread and give me some advice on a text. Thx!