Ive been reading over you threads with interest. I also just found out that my wife is having a PA. Your posts have made me feel better. Suppose im part of the club now. Not a club I wanted to be in but there's some great advice on how to deal with the whole thing. Keep the posts coming. Your a lot further down the line than me. Its comforting to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel whichever tunnel it may be you end up in.
Me:40 W:35 D:8 T:13 M:10 WAW: 7/14 PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months Moved out and moved on
Agreed that this is not text worthy at all. I think I am going to suggest we meet with one of the pastors to guide any reconciliation, expectations, etc. This was my sponsor's advice.
wait...
She just called, basically wanting to know if I got her text and said she was fixing to go into a movie and didn't want to talk right now. I said, that's fine.
I think I am going to let this steep for a little while.
No, there has been no remorse about anything and I think she needs to show some, but we are inching closer to piecing and that's a good thing. Me trying to push it along won't do any good. This is her's to fix at this particular point and time. I have to let her do it, or it won't stick, I'm afraid.
A couple of things:
First: I disagree with letting anything remain unanswered between you and your wife. She asked a direct question and deserves a direct and timely response.
Second: All communication with your wife should be honest and concise.
I agree with Toots. The best response would be, "Sorry for the delay in responding. I thought your question deserved a well-thought out response. And the truth is, this question is too big and too intimate to answer by text."
Third: I strongly recommend you initiate a discussion about bringing in the third party (such as your pastor) to work with both of you on what reconciliation might look like.
Have your pastor meet with you separately to discuss your expectations and goals. I think your wife would be amicable to this since it is not traditional marriage counseling.
I would suggest you two meet separately with your pastor twice (for a total of 4 individual meetings) before meeting together.
This will give you both an opportunity to discuss what your expectations are and then hear what your spouses expectations are--without your spouse present. Your pastor will be able to interpret for your spouse.
This way when you both meet as a couple:
(1) there won't be a battle to be heard, (2) the sting of unmet expectations will be minimized, (3) the pastor will have found common ground between the two of you.
I strongly believe her text wasn't a question. I believe it was a request. But, given your wife's history with lashing if she feels she is left emotionally vulnerable...I recommend you tread very gently.
That is an interesting idea. She may even like that. How do you see the text as a request? A request for information on how reconciliation would work or a request to come home?
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Neither. Her text is asking for your vision. "So if i ever did decided to come back in the marriage what would that look like/entale?"
Her text is an example of indirect communication. She is communicating information without being responsible for the information she is communicating.
As a man, you have probably done this type of communication a dozen times and not realized it.
For example, when you were a teenager you probably asked a girl, "If I asked you out on a date would you say yes?"
If the girl said, "Yes, I will go out with you" then you could ask her out without fear of rejection. But if she said, "No, I'm busy" then you could drop it without being rejected.
When your wife engages in this type of communication just accept as it is and don't analyze. As your relationship grows more intimate so will trust in communicating.
OK, that was my initial read on the text when it first came and is pretty typical of communication for her in certain types of situations.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Flood of unexpected emotions last night. Most of them not very useful. I have been so focused on the separation now that we are starting to come out the other side the emotions of all the things that happened to get us here are coming to the surface. Like I said, most of them not useful at all or conducive to marriage restoration, for that matter.
Good morning all.
The wife has the girls today, I cant wait to get them back. It was wet, rainy, miserably cold and just plain yukky all last week and for the 2nd day in a row it's going to 70 and sunny. We're going to have to find something fun to do for sure.
Last night the wife went to AlAnon, and tonight she has no pool because her and my mom will be spending the evening together working an event for a business they both do on the side. No pool on her new Wed night this week either. Weather is supposed to stay the same until Thur, maybe she can come spend some time with us.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Flood of unexpected emotions last night. Most of them not very useful. I have been so focused on the separation now that we are starting to come out the other side the emotions of all the things that happened to get us here are coming to the surface. Like I said, most of them not useful at all or conducive to marriage restoration, for that matter.
Fist, let me validate you. Your feelings are not abnormal.
When people are forced into a long-term crisis they have no emotional option but "survive." However when they finally see the "rescue ship" other emotions are permitted inside and they start to flood the system. This is when people tend to get into a lot of trouble.
Do not be fooled. You haven't been "rescued" yet.
If your wife returns to the marriage the rebuilding process will take a long time. And, during this time, you must have a strong handle on your emotions. Especially the emotion that demands justice.
I would suggest you develop a vision board. Something concrete that you can look at when you get overwhelmed. I would build the vision board like a pyramid.
On the foundation of the vision board is the smallest of goals (friendly conversation on a daily basis, obtaining a genuine smile, etc.) The next set of goals can be small displays of intimacy such as a brush of her hand across your arm, a wink, etc.
Go to the vision board when your feelings start to overwhelm. It will serve two purposes:
(1) It will show you how far you have traveled. (2) It will remind you that you still need to reach your goal.
WOW, what a wonderful concept. Will do that today.
I know we are far from rescued, just getting a little punchy. It is literally with-in my grasp yet it is still about 2500 miles away and there may be several more detours yet.
This is not a trip for the squeamish, that's for sure.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Wife had the kids this morning and needed to come by the house to do a few things because the water was turned off at MIL's apartment building for some repair or something. I was working and she sent me this:
W: I cleaned the girls, bathrooms, kitchen, and coffee table. W: And Some laundry M: Thank You! W: You're welcome
She then called saying she was at Walgreens wanting to know if I needed her to get me anything while I was there. And I did.
Later, I texted her to let her know that I was home whenever she wanted to bring the kids.
W: ..We are at the Forney Dairy Queen. Bringing you back my steak fingers I didn't eat.
~~~~~~
M: Thank you for everything you did today. W: You're welcome.
There are days like today that regardless of the situation we're currently in, I am thankful for my wife. There were other things, these were the highlights. That's a lot of "acts of service" for her in one day. Again, I'm smiling today and enjoying it, because tomorrow I may be a huddled mass on the floor in the fetal position. You never know.
Hi Ho, it's off to one of the multitude of nearby parks we go.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I'm glad for you that you had an ok day and can still be appreciative for your wife. I see exactly what you are saying. I have mixed feelings about these "small positive things/days". They make you feel good for a bit, then double worse. But it's part of the rollercoasters ride. Sometimes I'm truly proud and surprised how we all go through this with so much strength. And it's scary how many people out there have the same problems. I'm so thankful for God taking me here! I don't know if I would've been able to get where I am right now in my heart without this forum. But I can read between the lines that your heart is moving into the right direction. Keep going, keep praying, keep loving Jefe!
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
