5mo pregnant H wants divorce or to see other women

[Mom22]

Yesterday and today were my first real despair-days. How can someone justify still being married and living together with their pregnant wife and staying the night w OWno2 to 'say goodbye'? My DD was crying when I had to tell her daddy isnt coming home tonight. I couldnt explain why causr I dont want to lie to cover his cheating backside.
My friend donated 2 phone sessions to me so im trying to make a DB coaching appointment (lots of time diff between here and US).
Im wondering what they will say. Besides moving on I really just dont see any options anymore.

[kml]

This morning he hugged me seversl times and said he didnt know why he was throwing the best thing in his life away like this. Asked if i would be oorn to going to a sexuologist (as he feels im not adventurous enough). I said sure.

You know, sweetie, you have to learn how to have some healthy boundaries here.

Going to spend the night with OW to say "goodbye"? Not okay.

Going to a sexologist to make you more willing to do things in bed that you aren't interested in doing? Not unless you've got a serious issue around sex. If it's just that you're not interested in kinky sex, that's HIS problem, not yours, and a marriage counselor would be the appropriate place to go.

Honestly, he's not saying or doing the things yet that would make him seem to be a good candidate to reconcile with. Figure out in your own mind what you need HIM to do for YOU to even CONSIDER taking him back. This is not about you jumping through hoops for him; this is about HIM getting the help he needs and groveling to YOU to be taken back.

[Mom22]

I know. Im just so angrrrrrry today! Im going to do a DB phone counselling session to confirm if Im not doing anything stupid by leaving, but I am just so angry today Im not sure what I ll do if thry say i should consider staying. Im also so angry that I cant get a mortgage etc done before my leave (and cant stay in my hospital where I really want to be at) when I move or stay with my mom, that I probably have no choice but to stay in the same house until after I give birth. While on one hand I think thats good cause im going to be waking him up at night A LOT MORE then first time, and he csn wake up too. On the other hand I just cant stand the sight of him anymore. No clue why but today i just snapped.

[Karma12]

Mom22 your H sounds very much like a classic MLCer. It could take years for him to work through this. You owe it to yourself and your kids to change your focus and energy to making a stable life for yourself. It's not ok for him to come to you for his emotional needs and then run off to OW.

Keep moving forward. Protect yourself legally. Keep busy ( with some fun things ) Your husband may catch up down the road.

[25yearsmlc]

So sorry you are here, although it's the best place to be, for a lousy reason. You may want to check out "DueinMay"s old thread if it is still here. Her h left her when she was pregnant, and eventually they did reconcile (and had their 2nd child). Keep Going was also left during her 3rd pregnancy, so other women have been left while pregnant.

Its a dangerous thing to do, (physically dangerous, to you and the baby)

and incredibly selfish.

I agree you were wrong to have pressured him as you did. So what? Let's just say that when he pressured an abortion on you, it more than made up for it.

There are reasons for an abortion, I'm sure. But dear God, I hope a man telling you to get one won't be a reason again.

(I say this for others who might read it, not you. I know you get it. I just hope no man who reads this will think it's EVER acceptable to do that.)

I think it'd be hard to let go of that^^, as much as the numerous affairs that are even more inexcusable than usual, at his age.

Today he said (by imessage) that he just doesnt want to nor is able to put anymore energy in this relationship.

Can you really think of a time he put a lot of energy into it?

With the "semi autistic" and "OCD" descriptions you give of him, I can't help but wonder if those are just code words for a selfish h.


And he is sorry because he knows I see it and it is hard for me. I replied its not that hard for me anymore, but its difficult to see him struggle with himself. And that Im still willing to work on us but he has to weigh what his family is worth versus his freedom. Its up to him.


IS it really all up to HIM? That seems like such a powerless way to live. And at some pout your children will notice and learn from what you do.


And lets try to make it pleasant when we re together (like tonight when we go to a dance show he booked a few weeks ago) and see what happens.

which one of you is on trial ^^ here?

Don't get me wrong; no one benefits from you being irritable with him. That just plays right into his justifications for leaving a pregnant wife, which is the behavior of a CAD...inexcusable. Much like a woman cheating on a soldier while he's in combat.

Historically, those^^ were considered 2 behaviors that are abhorrent to society; and for good reason.


I also booked a house viewing (my first) in my calender (which notifies him automatically). And asked to borrow his car for it.
I ve requested more viewings and advice about a good mortgage advisor from my friend. Im now preparing a 180-exit.
Im doing ok today but it remains hard.


It surely is. I'm so sorry you are here. Have you seen a lawyer? Just seeing one doesn't mean you are "Doing" anything. But getting information can be very empowering and at least you won't be making choices based on fear or misinformation.

Please see a L asap. Really. KML ^^^^ has given you great advice. Take it in, please.


I want my kids to have a family

We don't all get what we want, but They have a family.

IF their dad chooses to have multiple affairs, and or to let them know how Unwanted they were/are,

then maybe having a family with a dad living elsewhere, isn't the worst thing in the world...


but a MLC can take years.

IF it is an MLC and not the culmination of a pattern for him, it may last years AND NOT result in a great awakening and return home, all better. Tremendous risk, lots of painful years and no guaranteed ending in your favor.

Plus you have "opportunity costs" wherein you meet NO one else who could share a family with you and make you the priority...you give that up to wait for a man who has grossly mistreated you and has little remorse, and no indication of effort at improvement or making up to you for any of it...heck, he's still "needing" to go out 4 nights a week at his age? He's not 20 y/o.

Sorry but I think your best shot is at seeing a L for self protection b/c you must remember that your children are the priority now, and that includes the baby you are carrying. No more catering to a man boy wo doesn't have the natural inclinations to preserve his own child's life when it's inconvenient for him...

how is he as a father to the child you already have? How was he during the pregnancy? Hold onto the good memories you have, maybe they'll resurface in him.

But long term, he's not a good bet without serious changes on HIS end.

IF and I repeat, IF -- you can do anything to help that awakening on his end, imo, it'd be letting him go and acting as if you are moving forward in your life and he's the one losing out. That you know you'll be more than alright, with or without him.

The fact that I actually believe ^^ this, makes it easier for me to say. I hope you feel it too, b/c once you feel it, once you BELIEVE it, that will show and radiate from within. I think it's the only chance there is of him "getting it" anytime soon.

Usually we stress what the LBSer must do. But in this case, I'm not sure that's the main issue. And if he takes too long to wake up, that's an answer too.

Did you say you have read the DB books? I sure hope so. When in doubt, go back to the DB basics. For instance, what are your 180s?

And GAL? I know you're pregnant, but GAL can still happen.

GAL is key to Detachment and Detachment is key to your healing.

We harp the GAL a lot here, but for one reason. It works.

I dont want yo be on hold that long. Its been 4.5mo since the affair ended and things have not improved.

We are all here, rooting for you. You're not alone. No matter what, one thing I'm positive of, is that your life will get better in time. I know this.

Keep on keeping on, get your ducks in a row, see a Lawyer and get informed.

Take care of yourself and your baby --the one here, and the one on the way.

((( )))

[Karma12]

Mom22 25yrs gives really good advice. You and your children deserve to feel save and happy. Take back your personal power.

[Mom22]

Thank you Karma and 25years. Your responses are very helpful. Its good to know im not alone (though i wouldnt wish this upon anyone). I ll look for the threads mentioned.
I ve found a mortgage advisor and have an appt for this week. Have 4 house viewings. And a DB phone coacing appt this week!
Im just still sooooo angry. I havent been this angry during the whole period hes been acting this way.
Maybe its cause i now realize that ever since May he never made ANY real effort at all. How could he, he was constantly in affairs. But he kept claiming if I did this or that it would help etc.

[Nitty]

Mom22, I'm not clear on why you should get a mortgage and move?

He's the one who is leaving his wife and children. I don't think it's smart for you to leave. Before you commit to a mortgage and a house, please see an attorney. The spouse who leaves first may have a big disadvantage in divorce.

Forgive me if I missed the reason in an earlier post.

[MrBond]

Your H suffers from a condition called "Being a D*ck". "Being a D*ck" or BAD, is when your H would rather heap blame on you for "making" him feel unhappy instead of actually looking at the mirror and seeing that he is the one that' s the problem. He is looking for someone to leave you for so he doesn't stay lonely.

Find out what your legal rights are and go dark with him. He's going to do nothing right now but hurt you. AND you'll soon discover that he's going to be doing this on purpose.

Protect yourself and your children first.

[LoisB]

My husband suffers from that condition too.

It started with a mild case of being a douche, but escalated. I'm pretty sure, in his case, it's chronic and fatal.

For the love of God, woman, don't buy a house right now. Sit tight, get some good legal advice and use this situation to catapult you into a new realm of living where BAD guys are a thing of the past.

My husband's leaving turned out to be the best present he ever got me. He always stunk at buying jewelry. :-)