Today he said (by imessage) that he just doesnt want to nor is able to put anymore energy in this relationship. And he is sorry because he knows I see it and it is hard for me. I replied its not that hard for me anymore, but its difficult to see him struggle with himself. And that Im still willing to work on us but he has to weigh what his family is worth versus his freedom. Its up to him. And lets try to make it pleasant when we re together (like tonight when we go to a dance show he booked a few weeks ago) and see what happens. I also booked a house viewing (my first) in my calender (which notifies him automatically). And asked to borrow his car for it. I ve requested more viewings and advice about a good mortgage advisor from my friend. Im now preparing a 180-exit. Im doing ok today but it remains hard. I want my kids to have a family but a MLC can take years. I dont want yo be on hold that long. Its been 4.5mo since the affair ended and things have not improved.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
Im now preparing a 180-exit. Im doing ok today but it remains hard. I want my kids to have a family but a MLC can take years. I dont want yo be on hold that long. Its been 4.5mo since the affair ended and things have not improved.
It sounds like you have a plan.
Move forward as hard as it is. 4.5 months is nothing in MLC land.
You need to focus on YOU - your child and one to come.
Mom, The questions you are asking are few and far between. Once they are in the tunnel they generally stay there and have to complete the entire crisis. Sure, there are some moments of clarity for them, but they are short lived. If he retracts the divorce wish just because you are moving out, I would bet my last dollar that the next time he feels smothered or you apply pressure, etc., he'll scream the word divorce again.
I would suggest that you continue moving forward. If and when your h wakes up, and "if" he wants to try to reconcile, they he will have a lot of work to do to earn your trust back. Who knows, by the time this happens, you may have moved on completely and like your life as it is at that time. It's his loss.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Most likely he is involved with another woman right now and until he has to contrast that with the reality of his life without you, he won't start to come out of the tunnel.
Also, he has other psychiatric or personality traits that may mean he is more pathological than the typical WAS. In which case, all bets are off. (Have you ever read The Sociopath Next Door?).
I agree that you should just keep focusing on YOUR life.
However, get some good advice from a divorce attorney before you move out of the house. And a warning on the mortgage part - I had difficulty getting a new mortgage until my divorce was settled. You may need to rent for a while.
Thanks. We went to a previously booked dance show at a theatre tonight. It was beautiful and he held my hand the whole time and hugged me after. Its so hard to not have expectations but from what I read i should prepare for a backlash. Pffff.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
Job no never read that but yes he probably has a mild form of autism and maybe adhd. This does change the ball game i ve been told Kml yes i ll get some advicefirst, thank you. Im looking in to mortgage advisors. Im planning a DB phone consultation too as im still going back and forth etween staying and going.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
Last night he came home at 3 and admitted he d been having another affair. With a horl who turns oit to have Norderline.I stayed calm and showed no emotions while he cried. This morning he hugged me seversl times and said he didnt know why he was throwing the best thing in his life away like this. Asked if i would be oorn to going to a sexuologist (as he feels im not adventurous enough). I said sure. But in the afternoon he said he was going dsncing w her tomorrow and maybe staying the night to say goodbye but 'nothing woukd happen' Im just so pissed off. He was supposed to drop me and our daughter off at the train station on Monday but made a big deal out of maybe he cant. Im trying to book more house viewings. I dont think he s actually going to be there for the baby more than occasionally. He might as well pay his own bloody bills.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
