My story so far

[Squiggy]

Quick question, if anyone is willing to take the time to look. I spent time yesterday making this mine and my son's home. Should I take down the marriage pictures she left up in the living room? I ask because she is going to be stopping by today to pick up S5 for the week.

[jim0987]

Short answer is I would. My w only just moved out of our place and I took down all the pictures of her. She also left anything that represented a joint memory.

They are now safely packed away so they can always go back up.

I look at it as she us gone and pictures won't bring her back, but me healing and growing might and having those pictures up weren't going to help with that.

You need to make it your home, change stuff to make it his you want it.

As for the move it reads to me like you did pretty well (others are better placed to make the evaluation though)

[Squiggy]

Thanks for the response, Jim. I was swearing no one read my thread at all. Very difficult to go through this solo, and I really can't afford a DB coach at all.

To my surprise I got a text from FIL this morning. He told me he was sorry for not catching me on Saturday and that we will definitely talk in the near future. Told me to stay strong. I responded by thanking him and telling him that I was sorry I missed him too (we have a good relationship). I said I'm doing my best. S5 and I have had amazing times lately, and he is keeping me going regardless of what happens.

I cannot understand W at all. She came to the house to pick up S5. He and I were watching a show in the basement. She grabbed her diplomas and a couple other things she had forgotten that I set out for her. I thought I was being cordial and friendly. She looked at the wedding pictures that are still on the wall for a minute, and I said that I haven't decided what to do with them. She responded that there is no reason to do anything. I said ok. When she was in the kitchen, S5 asked "Mommy, why do you not want our family to be together?" It looked like that punched her right in the gut. I let her handle that question and then told her that I've said nothing like that to him. I've only told him that he is going to be living in two homes, and he will always have a home with daddy.

I follow them outside so I could say bye to S5. W looked unhappy, and I asked her to roll down her window and asked her what's wrong her eyes were red). She wouldn't say anything at first, then she said that if were going to work on things, I need to not be so rude. I asked her what she meant by that, since I didn't understand. She told me that I need to let go of the anger I seem to have. I apologized that she thought I was angry, because I'm not. I stated that I am unhappy about the situation and what it is doing to our family, but I'm not angry. She said I've been short in my responses to her. I said that she's been focused on the move, and I wanted to stay out of her way and not push her. I am waiting on her to decide how she wants this to work. She accepted that.

I went back to my son and gave him another kiss on the head and thanked him for a wonderful weekend. She then asked what I wanted to do about Thursday. Last week, when we discussed the exchange for this week, she said she was not going to spend 5 hours on the road on her birthday, so this was a change. I responded that she should have S5 there for her birthday, and I'll take him on Friday. Told her I had some things to take care of and wished them a safe trip.

What could I do better? I'm trying so hard to have a PMA around her and do the right thing. I feel fairly detached, mostly PMA all the time (S5 and I were rolling around laughing and playing all weekend). She still seems to see me as adversarial. Is this guilt on her part? Am I doing the wrong 180s? Any advice is greatly appreciated!

[HPoirot]

Hello Squiggy. The reality is you did fine. You kept your PMA, kept up conversation, and tried not to show anger.

Some small things.. If she says you're angry... you can just say "You're right, I shouldn't be angry," instead of apologizing and saying "I'm not angry." So validate... don't apologize, don't argue with her perception of you, and don't talk about how you're unhappy.

You're just separated. This will take a long while most likely. Just work on getting to the point where you are someone you're W likes to deal with... validating what she says, showing your happiness, showing your strength while she is falling apart.

Most important... don't expect anything from her in return. Get to the point where you're not even looking for anything from her. That is detachment and will relax her around you... giving her the space she needs to reevaluate your R.

If it happens, it could take months. Get settled in and keep your approach simple.

Keep going.

[Squiggy]

Thanks HP. I'm trying hard to have patience and relax. It gets difficult when she keeps dangling the "working on things" in front of me. I understand these are great opportunities to catch onto what she is complaining about and respond in a different way. I guess I need to put a lot more effort into changing the way I validate to not include apologizing.

[HPoirot]

Squiggy, from my experience, your W may dangle the "working on things" to keep you calm and agreeable when she's not liking how you're being (like angry). It doesn't make a difference to what you need to do. Just keep consistently making your changes for YOU... b/c you want to be a better person who deserves a great relationship. Not so much more effort... just more belief in yourself and your growth. So yes relax and enjoy your child... this will take time.

[Squiggy]

Wise words coming from a wise man (been reading up on your story as well). I am truly amazed at how well S5 and I are doing. Everyone is making comments about it, and I am feeling the love coming from him. It was great hearing him say ILY, Daddy all weekend and when he was buckled in her car today. He is a wonderful son, and I'm glad I have the opportunity to make things right between us.

I'm getting closer to my mother and aunt, the only real family I have. My best friends are surrounding me and supporting me. My staff is kicking it into gear in response to the changes I'm making in myself and my expectations of them.

These next three days until I get S5 back again, I'm going to put her out of my mind as much as possible. I already took care of the U-Haul issue and informed her of what the manager said to do (heard her tell S5 she was running back to "OUR house to drop off some things"), opened up another bank account, will change my direct deposits to that one tomorrow, and am planning on continuing to make repairs to the house. Crap, I also need to come up with a budget. Guess I have plenty of things to keep me busy with all that and having 1.5 jobs, huh?

[jim0987]

HPs advice seems pretty spot on to me. Work on yourself it is ultimately all you can do.

And in your interactions you need to try and hear what she is feeling rather than what she us saying. Sometimes what they say is projection of something else, sometimes its anticipation of what they think you think and sometimes its just nonsense.

[Squiggy]

"sometimes its anticipation of what they think you think". I think that might just be spot on. It would make sense that she would expect me to be projecting anger, since that is something I've done for far too long. Now that I think about it, last week S5 went storming upstairs, and I said he's just unhappy. She said I need to stop projecting onto him. Basically, that cheerful PMA needs to be in place when I'm around her. Now to get busy doing things that build it up. Gotta find some time to fit the gym in...

[Ontheup]

Hey squiggly

I'm in similar sit although my wife is in an affair. It's hard as we're still in same house for now. What you have to accept is you can only control you. You can not control what your wife does or thinks no matter how much you just want to shake and say wake up.

Is there OM involved do you know?