The last night is over. She left for her last day at this job and will head up after. Tomorrow I move her things and then I'm alone. Based on what I've written so far, what should I do? NC except about my son was the plan, but she has beem taking my dim approach this week as me not wanting to work on things. What do you think is my best option?
Last edited by Squiggy; 01/23/1501:24 PM.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
I should add that she has left all the photos on the walls and her diplomas as well. All of them are very important to her. She said last night that she doesn't want the house to be empty. Is this typical WAW behavior?
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Sometimes, I wonder if they are living in different reality --running away from everything. I know my W takes no pride/care in our house that we moved into a little over a year ago ---I think mainly because it represents the "us" and our family. Maybe the same holds true for all WAW's and that's why she left them behind.
M44, W38 S5,S3 Met - 09/07 Engaged - 2/08 Married - 11/08 New house - 10/13 Bomb dropped - 11/14 EA confirmed - 11/14 PA - strong suspicion WAW Plastic surgeries - 12/14 WAW stopped wearing rings - 12/31/14
My W/STBX is along the same lines. She took what she immediately wanted, but left all else to be dealt with by me. She was running to get out and focusing only on tasks related to divorce. She has now capacity to deal with any emotional problems and has made that very clear.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
S5 really helped me. He came downstairs, saw that I was sad, and then he climbed into my lap and held me for a long time.
Maybe what you guys are saying is true. The WAS spouse is confusing. Leaving all this stuff, worrying about the house and it being our's instead of just mine, and them confronting me with positive future talk. Frustrates me to no end.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
It is amazing the effect of having a strong network of supports can have on a person. All day today it seems like someone is putting me in places where I am getting exactly the help I need at that moment.
I'm still mulling over yesterday's interactions, but since this morning and my son all the way through everyone else helping me, I am in a much better place with a PMA. I am going to be alright, even in the midst of my pain.
Last edited by Squiggy; 01/23/1508:51 PM.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
It ended up being a rough night. Had to break the news to S5's godmother (my "2nd mom"). She was heartbroken once she heard all the details and offered her support and prayers.
I'm trying to understand how to apply DR/DB to this separation. I've finally reached a point where I'm not bouncing around in my emotions, and it seems I'm thinking much more clearly, even though last night is still bothering me due to hope and doubt (sandi's rule of not believing anything they say). I will admit that any thoughts of S5 not being with me immediately make me start to tear up, even while I'm typing this sentence.
Do I go NC completely when we are not exchanging S5? Do I follow my heart and call every day that I don't have S5 to ask about his day and wish him good night? I don't want to initiate R conversation anymore, but I, apparently, need to keep letting her know I want to work on this. Do I say no to family activities because we are separated? (read about this in MCS' sitch) Is it ok to GAL and have my mother watch my son during my days with him, knowing one complaint from W is that I wasn't an active parent? I've decided to ACT AS IF it won't be repaired, but I'm afraid of adopting it to such a degree that I detach too far. I know that being the best father I can be is a 180 for both W and I.
Thanks to MCS's story, I think I just had a realization. If he is in fact an OM (not much doubt atm), it would be her replaying how her and I first got together. She was in a bad relationship (abusive), and I was there to listen and help save her. That is the role he is playing right now. I need to be her hero again.
Last edited by Squiggy; 01/24/1504:14 AM. Reason: DUH moment.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
What a day. This will be a long one while I sort my thoughts. Woke up at 7:30, got the U-Haul and moved all of her stuff into it with the help of my best friends. S5 is being amazing the whole time. We start to travel up, and W tries to call twice. I ignored. Sent her a message for the address when we were almost there. We get there, and she almost smelled like she was sweating alcohol, and one of my friends later told me she looked like she had been crying before we got there. She stated she will be ordering pizza later for everyone, and I said I had promised I would get them dinner for helping so much today.
BFs and I start knocking out the moving into her apartment while S5 is checking out the place. W isn't saying much during this time. Her 2 brothers show up, shake my hand, and tell me they are sorry for what is happening (to my knowledge they do not know details). Brother's GF wraps me up in a hug and held me for a long time. One of my friends later told me they noticed W's brothers looked unhappy about this whole situation the entire time.
Once we finished, in record time, I go out and hang with my friends to keep them company, since they were amazing. Saw S5 and his cousin playing outside with the GF and decided to join in on the fun! We played for about 10 minutes then W comes out and stands by me. She says Thank you so much for helping me out with this. I replied that it's not a problem at all (180 w/ Acts of Service). She asked what I thought of the place, and I responded that I'm sure she and S5 will be happy when he's here. Cable guy showed up and she excused herself to go inside. I go back to my friends, but then went in after a bit. GF was outside with us for a while and kept checking to see how I was doing. We go inside, S5 is not listening to W. I let her handle the problem, since it's her place. I'm still being cordial with her brothers (I do genuinely love her family). S5 is finally ready and is state that we need to leave so we can get friend back to his wife and kid. I should mention that the U-Haul got the side scraped...Don't ask. She was busy with her brothers getting things moved.
On the drive back, I get a phone call from her, let it got to VM, then check it later. It was about the scrape and saying I need to go in tomorrow to address it. She tried calling again when we were close to home, and I text back saying I was close and will call back later. I waited a full half hour later so I could say by to the friend with his W and S3, other friend is playing with S5 in the basement. I call back, and W starts telling me about them returning the U-Haul. I said I will take care of it tomorrow, and she doesn't have to worry about it. She's concerned about how much money we have to do it, and I said I have plenty of support if I need to borrow some.
Then she starts R talk again... "If we're going to work on this, you need to not be so angry." I explain that we started the day very early, moved what is practically the whole house, drove up, and moved the stuff into her apt. We were tired. She stated that it seemed like we didn't want to talk to anyone, and I repeated about being tired and needing to get friend back to his wife, which is why we left. Her voice starts trembling, and she sounded like she was about to cry. She thanked me for bringing S5 up even though both her parents thought it would be bad. She missed him. I responded that this is the reality of the situation. She won't have him all the time. I said that the situation changed when she separated from me. She states she realizes this. This isn't what she wanted, and she felt it was the best option. I validated her feelings and said I don't want it either. I reminded her that I said on Monday I want this marriage to work. She says she does too. Then I responded that right now I want her to take what time she needs to get some space. I'm working on me and S5 and will continue to do so regardless of the outcome of all this. She said she wants to be back to being herself again (second admission of responsibility for where we are). I told her I miss the person she was. She told me she just got groceries for the next couple weeks and forgot how hard it was by herself. I told her she's right. I had to do that two weeks ago, but I also have no problem doing it. We end up talking about some details about finances for the next couple weeks, then I excuse myself by needing to go to S5 and I will see her Monday.
The friend who was still here came up about 1/4 of the way through and told me he was proud and happy to see me going back to myself. I felt good after the conversation. I explained to him that I realize that she can't control my happiness now. I didn't feel hopeful during the conversation and felt emotionally detached.
How do you guys think I handled it? What could I do better?
I almost feel like this has a chance, but I'm also still keeping in mind the potential A that hasn't been addressed.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Thanks to family members I'm now questioning whether I am being led along or not. This is difficult. I've taken assessment of what is left in the house and started making it my own. It's really weird that she left things that are precious to her all over. I started packing some of the things up. Framed wedding photos, the cake topper, and champagne glasses I left up for now. She's supposed to come here tomorrow to pick up S5 and pack up her old work office.
I'm really struggling, guys, and need some help. I'm trying so hard to have patience and keep a PMA, but right now I'm just down.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
