That guy is absolutely amazing! He have me the shield I needed to deal with the night. W is stressed and not being friendly. I'll give her the space she wants. PMA is definitely going to be my motto.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
What do I do about her leaning on me to help with the move? I've decided that one of my 180s needs to be being a greater friend, which is stepping up to support her decision even when I don't agree (not fixing it for her). She called me and asked about the UHaul and picking it up. I said I'll take care of getting it and already have my son covered during that time. She did get it worked out on the financial situation and is now not going to put either one of us in a horrible situation. She asked if I needed a list of things, and I responded that yes, because we haven't talked about what is going and what isn't. I said I'd also need to know what's is going from the garage. She responded that she figured we would wait until it got warm, and then we can grab what she needed. I picked up on how that is a statement of finality. My heart sank some.
How do I move beyond the thought that she is preparing to let me down slowly? That she already has a plan. I do want to save this marriage, but right now it feels pretty bleak. Guess this is part of the roller coaster ride. I'm not changing in my efforts to become a better person, but this is seriously a punch in the gut. What do you guys think?
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
And now that I think about it, I'm questioning another decision during the separation talk. I had agreed to keep covering the cell phone and car insurance. I did this so that I could still talk with my son and make sure he got to school. She had also mentioned that her and I could talk about things. As I said in a previous post, she was still doing some future talk. I haven't heard any of that in the past two weeks. If I pull the plug, she will absolutely be screwed for money, which would effect my son as well for half the week. It would make me much more comfortable. Tough decision since I obviously want to reconcile, but I'm thinking it may be a boundary I need to set, since she is wanting to experience life on her own. (can't if there is an OM in the picture...)
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
If you're worried about your son, is there a way for you to get more custody of him? Just because she has no car insurance isn't your problem. It's hers. She wants out, she can't expect you to rescue her.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
The problem with the custody relates to how I work late nights teo days of the week, and that would not be good for his schedule (picking him up at 9pm or later) . I havr a huge amount of support from family and friends that will help, and still I want him to have the best chance possible.
I thought more of the boundaries also. Train's threads gave me some inspiration. I am thinking of saying that I will cover those two bills for three months to allow her to get her feet under her, because I want them to be happy (a 180 with AoS).. And then we can decide where we are and go from there.
On the one hand, it shows I care and am looking out for them. On the other, it does reinforce that I will move on if she does not start wanting to work on things. It is also borderline R talk, so I'mtrying to think of how to spin it, or if I should let it go. She never has been on her own without someone bailing her out, whether it was her father, a BF, or me. I've been alone and thrived. I remember one year I grossed $18k (was 23 at the time) and put $6k in savings. She's never experienced that.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Ok, so help me understand this conversation, and I'll try to be coherent as possible, since I was so highly focused on DBing, and this was over about a 1.5 hour period.
Tonight is her last night in this house. I came in as I have been and started playing with my son. At one point she asked me if this is still going to be OUR house with her able to come in if she wants to. I replied that she is moving this weekend, and I don't know how she is wanting this to play out. The separation will either be 1. we are really separated and acting like it, or 2. we are separated but actively working on things. I told her that I'm really trying to work on myself and R with son, and I'm going to keep moving forward. She needs to decide what she wants at this point. She said she thought the idea was for us to work on things (first I've heard this in 2.5 weeks), but it seems like I haven't been wanting to all this week (her noticing my detachment/distance??). I replied that she already knows what I want and that I've been giving her space. This is not my choice, but I've been trying to support her the best I could and let her lead instead of fixing it. She replied that it is indecisiveness that was a problem in our R not the fixing. I validated and then told her that once she told me when/where, I have already worked out all the details of Saturday, including cooking breakfast for those helping me. She seemed shocked.
Keep in mind, the whole time I have S5 rolling around laughing from tickling and wrestling.
I said we have some things to figure out, such as finances, the final furniture decisions, and talking on the phone with S5. She said calling any time is perfectly ok (I plan to start a pretty good NC regimen except for bed time with S5). I stated that I would pay for the phone bill and car insurance for a while, but we'll revisit it in the future based on how things were (yay boundaries!!).
And then the confusing parts with future talk initiated by her...She wants to plan to do family things, both down here and up there. I said that would be nice. I asked about his school, and she told me what and where it is going to be, and then in the fall he can go to the same school as his cousin (deadline on R decision was to be August according to her). I acknowledged and stated it would be good for him to be in school with his cousin for the transition. She said something and then stated that Well, I was told I'd always have a job down here (at home).
We had a pleasant dinner. She went to pack more things, and then she said she had to go get another tote for her things. I worked really hard to not initiate the topics, not talk too much, avoid R talk as much as possible, and to really listen to what she is saying. Not mind reading is very hard for a therapist, FYI. It really seems like she starts to come close and then has to disappear...Right now I'm trying to accept this as part of the roller coaster, and at the same time those glimpses of hope just eat at me.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
I should add that I am still suspicious of an A and am keeping that in mind in my interactions. I'm not going to compete. I will be the man she will be a fool to leave. I forgot to add to the above that she did make mention of noting some of the changes I've made.
Last edited by Squiggy; 01/23/1502:38 AM.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
