My story so far

[Wet]

Hi Squiggy, it must be terrible to have your W ready to leave you with only 2 days left. I am sorry you are going thru this.

Are there things that you can do to get out of the house to keep yourself busy? Stay away from snooping as this will also help with detaching. No more R talks. I hope that you are not helping her with her move.

And keep up the good work on being the father to your son. And keep growing closer to God, this is the best way of staying strong thru this painful journey that you are on. Be wise!

[MrBond]

What other issues did she complain about that you needed to work on? You mentioned both you and your W are therapists. What type?

[Squiggy]

Wet, thanks for dropping in again! These 2 days are definitely going to be rough. I do think I'll find some sort of peace after Saturday. I plan to go NC except for things relating to my son. Between DR and the Pursuer/Distancer mahhhty showed me, I think it's the best.

It's going to be hard getting out of the house. Mondays and Wednesdays I work from 9-9, and Tuesdays are normally until 6/7. Thursday-Sunday is when I should have my son, which I will consume all my time with him. I have some close friends that I will most likely spend more time with as well as the gym.

I've stayed away from snooping. It's not healthy at all. Monday's R talk was initiated by her, but I did stay in it for way too long. I am helping her to move on Saturday. I'm conflicted, because to do so would be a 180 for me, as you'll see in my response to MrBond. Her second LL is Acts of Service, and this would be speaking to it. I do want her to experience her choice, and at the same time I feel helping would be the best choice. Besides, it'll give me more closure on our old marriage. I won't be alone in the move, though, and will have 2 or 3 of my best friends with me to help me with the physical labor and after effect.

Still praying every day. Asking for strength, guidance, protection for my son, and help for the hurt inside my W.

[Squiggy]

MrBond, I am the same kind of therapist as MWD. Have an MSW and LCSW (clinical license). I primarily work with families of adolescents, couples, and adults. I believe it's part of the reason why I understand DB fairly well for being a newcomer, because I use a lot of similar approaches in therapy. However, it's always harder to implement when it's your own situation. W is an MSW as well. W is mostly children and some family work.

Let's try to get a list...

-Criticism
-Not being present while in the home
-Her feeling like she has to mother me
-Not making her feel special
-Not being a present father to our son
-Letting work consume me

I've started working on 180s related to most of these.
-Criticism into validation and listening/not fixing.
-Not being present into being in the living room with both of them in the evening.
-Her needing to mother me into Acts of Service (housework, taking care of son, will be taking over the house bills, etc.).
-Not making her feel special into Words of Affirmation.
-Not being a present father into spending positive time with my son by playing, being firm but supportive, showing greater affection, and helping with caring for him (feeding, dressing, washing, bed time, brushing teeth, etc.).
-Letting work consume me into much stronger boundaries when coming home, and I'm now searching for a new job that will give me my time at home again.

I used to be the strong, independent guy that would let problems roll over me while I solved them. I used to be helpful, appreciative, and openly caring. I'm working hard to rediscover myself, and co-workers, friends, and family are really noticing and complimenting me on it. I am trying to be consistent in front of her in my efforts, not just for but mainly because I miss the person I used to be. Sad that it took such a traumatic event to make me realize it.

[MrBond]

"I've started working on 180s related to most of these.
-Criticism into validation and listening/not fixing. "

Did you criticize her or maybe give the impression that your POV was better than hers?

"-Not being present into being in the living room with both of them in the evening. "

What would you do if you weren't with them?

"-Her needing to mother me into Acts of Service (housework, taking care of son, will be taking over the house bills, etc.). "

Are you sure that's what she meant by "mothering" you?

"-Not making her feel special into Words of Affirmation."

Did she tell you before that's what her primary LL was? Did you ever put her down?

"-Not being a present father into spending positive time with my son by playing, being firm but supportive, showing greater affection, and helping with caring for him (feeding, dressing, washing, bed time, brushing teeth, etc.)."

Any reason why you weren't a present father before?

"-Letting work consume me into much stronger boundaries when coming home, and I'm now searching for a new job that will give me my time at home again."

Did she want you to spend more time at home?

Just trying to get some clarity.

[Squiggy]

-Criticism into validation and listening/not fixing. "

Did you criticize her or maybe give the impression that your POV was better than hers?

Her complaint was that I always had to be right. I've come to realize that it's because I was taught to defend my position. Instead, I need to trust that she can handle things and just listen.

"-Not being present into being in the living room with both of them in the evening. "

What would you do if you weren't with them?

I would be so drained from work, and what I now recognize as depression, that I would go sit in the basement and disappear to get rid of stress.

"-Her needing to mother me into Acts of Service (housework, taking care of son, will be taking over the house bills, etc.). "

Are you sure that's what she meant by "mothering" you?

Yes. I used to take care of everything. Then I stopped, from big to little things and asked her to do it.

"-Not making her feel special into Words of Affirmation."

Did she tell you before that's what her primary LL was? Did you ever put her down?

Early on in my sitch after the BD, I did a lot of thinking and came across a LL quiz. We both took it. She is Words/Acts, and I am Quality time/Physical touch. Criticism is a put down for her.

"-Not being a present father into spending positive time with my son by playing, being firm but supportive, showing greater affection, and helping with caring for him (feeding, dressing, washing, bed time, brushing teeth, etc.)."

Any reason why you weren't a present father before?

I allowed other worries and concerns drain me to the point of not being emotionally available in the way that I should have. I also did not have the best role model for a father and didn't catch myself falling into his shoes. He is a farmer's son and expected obedience and distance.

"-Letting work consume me into much stronger boundaries when coming home, and I'm now searching for a new job that will give me my time at home again."

Did she want you to spend more time at home?

Not so much that as not letting it be my #1. In our first problem 6 years ago, I wasn't supporting her in the way I should, and she had to keep us afloat. I promised myself that I would never put her in that position again, and so I went hard to work providing for my family. I took it too far and put too much of myself into it, and I did not see what I was sacrificing.

[MrBond]

Ah. Got it.

In your practice, do you assist any marriage counseling? What has your experience been? Has it clouded any of your judgements when applied to your own situation?

[Squiggy]

I'm usually very good at keeping boundaries between work clients and home. I work with married couples fairly regularly on all types of issues ranging from communication and problem solving to intimacy.

The main issue is that I did not apply what I teach couples and families to my own situation. I'm actually laughing at this, but I remember my mother asking me earlier on in this what I would tell my clients. I spent about 3 minutes rattling things off to her. The difference is that the majority of my clients are willing to work on the marriage, and I can remain objective without my emotions clouding my vision. Think of a doctor operating on their parent or child. Same scenario.

[Squiggy]

It is so sad watching someone crash. She overspent on our bank accounts, and now we have no money. No one is helping her, not even her family. Second night she is going to bed early while I played with S5. She did mention that even I wouldn't have any money to live on next week, and I said I'd be ok. I have enough friends and family supporting me in this that I will be fine. One even slipped me $20 earlier to get some gas and a soft drink for my session. W asked me for help, and I stated that the only way I was able to help is now gone. It pained me to see her scrambling to connect with people she thought she could rely on.

Thank God for detachment. Although it hurts to watch this happen, I got to hear "You're the best daddy ever!" I know I'm going to be fine in the end. Time to get back to figuring out how to continue improving myself. I want to be the husband a wife is a food to leave.

[mahhhty]

Its amazing how much better a moment gets with a little validation from a munchkin!