My story so far

[Squiggy]

I wanted to give a little update on my own personal changes. I just had the most amazing weekend with S5! We spent the entire time together from early in the morning until his bedtime in happiness. He responded to me in such a positive way that it reinforces my own personal goal of getting closer to my son and has me finally charged with a PMA. I heard so many I love you Daddy's, got so many hugs, and watched him follow directions so well. I am proud of this little guy!

The only difficulty we had was after he spoke with W over video chat. He was frustrated for about an hour, and I let him work it out by showing him loving support, where I would get frustrated as well in the past.

Regardless of what happens in my M, taking a 180 with my son over these past few weeks is bringing us so much closer.

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Journaling..

My wife stayed up north last night, and I had to break the news to S5 that she would not be home. It broke my heart to hear him say "Mommy doesn't love me". Instead, I held him close, reassured him that she absolutely did, and stayed with him until he got comfortable.

Detaching has been fairly easy today, even though I do slip up in my thoughts occasionally and get stuck in mind reading. I am curious as to why she hasn't been sleeping, and, unfortunately, my therapist mind started coming up with hypotheses. For the most part I have been able to drop it when I start thinking about it though, because I realize I have no control over the situation or reasons why she may have had that. It shouldn't be that big of a deal to me other than the fact that I do love her deeply and want to see her happy, especially after her good news of getting the apartment.

Otherwise, the detachment has lead me to have such an amazing morning with S5 where he fully dressed himself head to toe and showed it off to me, ate his breakfast quietly while I got ready, and played hide and seek around the car for a minute while putting my things in it. I then went to work and lead an amazing team meeting (I'm actually a supervisor to a team of therapists). They all pointed out how strong I sounded and took away a lot from the meeting.

All in all it's been a great day. I do own the fear I have in regards to what may wait for me when I get home. At the end of the day though, I've realized, and hope I can follow through with, that I have to accept what is happens, unconditionally love her, and validate whatever it is she is feeling. I'm working on giving my relationship over to God (reconnecting spiritually after many years of not doing so), and still praying for her and my son every day, sometimes several times a day.

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What a bad day. Got tipped off that that friend I mentioned posted a Facebook (hate that website) profile pic of him and my wife with her happy holding one of his arms, and she's begun purging her contacts from here, including my family. That was very difficult to swallow, but I'm trying my hardest to detach.

She messaged me saying she wanted to talk about finances for the move after I came home. She was busy packing. She didn't bring them up until further in the conversation. She mentioned she noticed that I had fixed some things around the house that needed done and asked me why I waited so long. I told her that I'm making changes, and the big project is part of that. She then proceeded to ask me why I haven't done that over the ten years (rewriting), and I told her that I have no answer for it other than she brought it out of me by being brave and pointing out what I could do better.

I unfortunately got wrapped up in relationship talk for too long. I spoke of how I've realized the things I've done wrong in the relationship. I don't want our old marriage, because we only put on a band-aid last time we went through a rough patch. It felt like most of the conversation that I wasn't needy and began showing the strength of my true self I am rediscovering based on her reactions. I came from a point of unconditional love. At one point she said that You can't love someone until you love yourself. I said you're right, and at the same time I'm very happy with feeling more like the old me. I feel confident that my relationship with S5 is highly improving, and it is amazing. Said too much by saying I want to be amazing with her.

To wrap it up, I see some of the mistakes I made, and yet I think I was fairly detached...Not great yet. It hasn't ruined my night, and I have a weird inner calm. She ended up leaving the house to get packing tape, and it is hard not to assume she is talking to him. Letting it go.... Time for another prayer.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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The earlier detachment has disappeared. This roller coaster hurts so badly. I hear her packing things up in the kitchen, and it is tearing me apart. I try to have hope, and yet I have friends asking me why she took them off Facebook and asking me why this other guy has a picture of the two of them together. Each one I hear takes another little piece of me with it.

I'm trying to have hope and stay strong. She said she is not able to give me the answer I want of whether or not she is willing to work on the marriage until after she gets up there. She also mentioned earlier that her father is urging her to work on the marriage. He has always been the rock she leaned on that helped her through many of her earlier challenges. I pray that he softens her heart.

I will continue, once I get past this weak time tonight, to work hard on myself, show her the strong me, and GAL as much as possible. I know deep in my heart that I will be fine. I've struggled for everything I have, and this is just another challenge that I have to face.

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Just doing another journal entry today.

As an update to what is going on, I sent her a message asking her to e-mail me the account login/passwords for all the bills. She responded that she was busy and would not get it today. I told her I understand, and let's just make sure we have it done before she moves. The part that baffles me, and I realize it is mind reading, is she asked "Why? I can still pay them." As part of my 180s, I told her "I'll take care of them. I don't want you to have to worry about them on top of the rest."

I feel like someone is working through me and this situation. I only slept about 3 hours last night and did a ton of thinking. While my conversation with her last night might not have been the best route to take, I did come away with peace from admitting my faults (a 180), showing her that I am focusing more on how I connect and am doing Acts of Service (a 180), and putting my son so much more forward in my life (another 180). I reflected that the same effect is coming through her father with his stance, and he is not the type to budge, on her committing to working on this marriage. Finally, it is amazing how everyone I have surrounded myself with over the years are lifting me up and giving me the support to move forward. With all of these in place, I am at peace with my sitch as it stands. The stories people here are telling give me courage that in the end, I will be fine. And because I am working hard to rediscover my true self, I am reminding myself that I am strong alone.

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It's amazing how things work out sometimes to your benefit. I had some down time after staffing with a member of my team and decided to do a Google search on surviving infidelity. The very first article that came up talked about a husband that found detachment only when OM was confirmed by friends. It rang a bell in my head, and it has been much easier since I read the article, at least for today.

My three closest friends all volunteered to help me move my wife on Saturday. It took them all of five minutes to get cleared with their wives. It's good to have people that care enough about you to support you at your lowest point.

I am still keeping hope and I don't see that as necessarily a bad thing. I do want to save my marriage, which is why I'm here and tore through a (very good) book in under two days. I readily admit I have much work to do. I'm struggling to identify all the possible ways I can GAL when the days I will not have S5 I work two 12 hour days and one 10 hour day.

[mahhhty]

Squiggy,
It sounds like you have made great progress with your son. Your W gave you a gift, that gift is that you have a fantastic relationship with your son now. Don't forget that.

I am slightly confused. Is there definitely another man?

I think you are doing great. You obviously don't mind reading. I suggest reading more. After I read DB and DR. I read the Solo Partner which has a great section on the pursuer distancer dynamic.

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Thanks mahhhty. I am loving the relationship I am building with my son. I walked into the house tonight to Daddy!! just like I have been for the past month. It makes my heart soar. As I said to her last night, he and I will be amazing.

I should also add that it really seemed to bother her that S5 and I were playing so well together in the living room. Best part about it is that it felt so right to be doing so.

I don't have definitive proof per se, but all the signs are there. All the hiding, focus on appearance, clothes, social media connections, him posting a photo of them sitting next to each other as his profile pic (someone showed me), planning events together, you name it. Even though I do love my wife deeply, I feel like I'm watching a train wreck right now. I described it to a friend of mine as watching an addict start to self-explode. I really just feel bad for her and the pain she is putting herself through. She's not been sleeping well since last week (finally joining my club) and doesn't look well. Sadly, this is her choice, not mine.

Pursuer/Distancer...one of the first links! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574. Thank you for that 2x4. Taking the basic concept I've seen on that thread and the web, it would help to explain last week's meals and interactions. I stopped being a pursuer, so she put herself in front of me. I started giving her Words of Affirmation, and she appeared to be confused. A lot of the Pursuer dynamic explains the role I took in our marriage. The Distancer shows a lot of what she did and is doing, such as needing "space" and "time". So my course of action of detachment and distance should be a good thing. I may be thinking about this wrongly and would greatly accept any corrections to my application.

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Just something I noticed today, and I'm trying my hardest to not mind read. As I mentioned in my last post, things are going great with my son and my PMA is getting stronger each day. I even made sure to told her to have a good day today. Last night while playing with my son, my wife had another ring on her ring finger and has had it there for two days. She even tried to argue last night about helping her move, and I defused the situation. This morning my son got dressed very quickly (big change for him) before W was even out of the shower. When she came down, she had her wedding rings on. Am I noticing too much? It's not stopping my day, and at the same time I couldn't help but notice and ask. Still taking it day by day.

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Rough time detaching today. Can't get her out of my mind. I'm not home for another 4.5 hours, and then I get to see my son again. It is hard loving someone so much when they are being so unlovable. I haven't had an opportunity to read more posts today, which usually helps me get through. Even though I haven't been in communication with many of you, just reading your stories gives me strength that I can get through this.