I'm going to do my best to keep this as comprehensive as possible. You can see the dates of events in my signature! We have been together 10 years and married for 8.5. I saved my wife from an abusive relationship, which ended up with her pursuing me, and then us eventually becoming married. Life hasn't been too easy for us with putting me through grad school, having our amazing son, putting her through grad school, and job position changes and a very independent son.
Six years ago we went through a very difficult financial situation while I was in grad school. My wife hit me one day that she was going to leave, move back up to her parents (2 hours away), and she said she was going to divorce me according to the recommendation of a therapist. We ended up reconciling fairly quickly.
Shortly after we had my son, and my wife became consumed with him (I love how much she loves him, even though it is not necessarily healthy). At first I was consumed with work and providing for the family. I realized after the first year that I need to cut back, and I did. From that point on I always felt like I was married to my son's mother. Not all times were bad at all, and I did not realize how badly she felt. During the preceding years, we put her through grad school and helped get her started in her career, at which she is amazing.
I ended up being promoted to supervisor, we got a new CEO, and then for the past two years I've been fighting to keep the team alive under him. I didn't realize it until this past month that I allowed it to drain me and leave nothing for my wife or child (currently working on searching for new employment).
A little about my wife, she is an amazing woman (wish I had told her more!) that also suffers from depression and generalized anxiety, both are medicated. She gained a fair amount of weight at the beginning of our medication from a new med at that time, gained while pregnant, and did not lose it all. I never held it against her and still always thought she was beautiful.
Five to six weeks ago she started reconnecting with friends. I didn't realize at that time, but I responded in a needy way, because I was jealous. I've been saying for almost a year that I want my wife back. Four and a half weeks ago, over the phone she told me that she is unhappy and uncertain if we can fix it. I started to respond in a needy way, but then I backed off some. For the next couple weeks it was an emotional roller coaster. I've gotten mixed messages from her (touch, hugs, kiss on Christmas) but it was mixed with coldness. She's constantly on her phone, texting and Facebook. New Years Eve we went out, but she wanted to leave early, especially after the awkward dinner at one of her favorite restaurants. ON the way home, I got the "I love you but" talk after I tried to explain what was bothering me. I didn't get to ring in the New Year's with my wife. She went to sleep. She has been spending more time up at her parents' area and leaving our child with me, which was fine because I've been trying to work on his and my relationship (doing much better!).
Last Tuesday I bolted awake and decided to check out what bills needed to be paid, since she hasn't paid them from last month. I found many, many phone calls of significant length since the beginning of December (an old guy friend of her's from back home). I went to confront her (mistake), and she told me that she wanted to talk anyway. She interviewed for a job back home the prior weekend and was offered the position. She wants to do a separation and get space, since she feels it will definitely end in divorce if she stays. I reluctantly agreed. She listed a lot of complaints about her health declining in the relationship, my lack of parenting, our constant arguing (mostly over our son, since we both have different styles and couldn't compromise), and me constantly focusing on finances. I begged, I plead, and didn't do what I needed to do in the right way. (continuing in next post due to length of this)
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
All your w is thinking about right now is the other man.
Life will show her on its own all she is giving up.
Work on being the best version of yourself you can be.
A few questions - is she taking your son far to go back home?
That seems like a big issue and she needs to know that even if she wants a d or a Seperation she can not legally take your son more then 60 miles to relocate. (In my state 60 is the standard)
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
So sorry! I didn't realize that my post was approved. Let me quickly finish what I was typing, then I'll respond. She also added that her anxiety has been peaking so high that she feels physically ill, started smoking again (we both quit for our son), and has been drinking wine every night. She sees the efforts I am taking, but she does not appreciate them as she should. I will have my child every Thursday through Sunday. My wife was shocked I did not kick her out of the home. She finished the conversation by saying she loves me deeply, I'm her best friend, and her family. The next day I went to my mother's house and had my full on breakdown. I started to give her space and didn't bring up the R. I have spent a tremendous amount of time with my child, and everyone is noticing a tremendous improvement in our relationship. The following day I told her that I will respect her decision, but one condition I have is that we respect our marriage with no EA/PA while separated. She did say "But we are separated" (yes, I see what she said!).
It was a rough weekend, but I tried to pick myself up and move on. I spent a lot of time on these forums reading stories. She returned Sunday night and noticed that I cleaned the house from top to bottom and bought groceries, to which I replied that it was no big deal. She said it was. Tuesday after work, she asked if I wanted to go out to dinner as a family, and I accepted. We had a good time.
Then I messed up the next day...I bolted awake again, and decided it was time to look for a new job, since my current one has been a major drain on me and our marriage. I went onto Facebook (evil place...) to message someone for a reference and saw a picture posted by this guy with an old photo of them and present ones of them (not together) saying 15 years and counting <3. I overreacted, but I confronted her in the bedroom in a loving tone asking for an explanation. She was defensive but stated he was the friend she helped through depression and suicide (we are both therapists) over summer that wanted to hang out with her and I. She said that six years ago she made that mistake. I'm currently taking it with a grain of salt, but I do want to trust my wife. She stated she is trying to reconnect with friends so that she does not feel isolated, since her father doesn't support her decision (he is very angry with her for seemingly giving up). I apologized deeply for breaking her trust and explained that my intention was not to be snooping, I understood he posted it, and asked what I could to do make amends, to which she responded stop accusing her.
Last night she also asked about going to dinner, Mexican or Chinese, and I responded with the names of two restaurants. I ended up picking one that is more friendly to my son. We had a good dinner.
This morning I tried to get our son ready for school, which I've been doing these past 3 weeks. He threw such a tantrum that he ran out in just his underwear (33 degrees outside) when she put her stuff in the car. I ran out to grab him and said this is why we need to start working on some things (mistake). She told me that she is not changing her mind about moving up north and I don't need to be mad at her. I responded that I am not mad at her. I was referring to our child, and even though I wouldn't have chosen the path she did, I will support her need for space.
Wet - Thanks for the reply. She is very likely part of an EA. I didn't mention in my previous post that six years ago she did seek an EA. I have the rules printed off and read them every day to stay centered. I plan on getting DR today after I pick my kid up from school. She is gone this weekend to search for an apartment, and it is an opportune time to read the book without her present.
Bklynmom - Yes, it is more than 60 miles away, more like 120.
So far I've been working on detaching, GALing, and accepting that I have no control over her. I have accepted the fact that I did contribute to where our marriage currently is. I plan to become the best father, friend, and husband I can be, whether that is for her or for someone else and have spent much time on analyzing what it takes for me to return back to who I was when we met and become an even better version.
Right now I just struggle with how to interact while in limbo. She got turned down for one apartment and is going up this weekend to apply to three more with her father helping her (secret hope he will talk...). She is supposed to move up there this upcoming Friday. I agreed to help her move, and it will be just the two of us and our son.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
I also forgot to mention that she said divorce is not even on the table, and she does not want to consult with a lawyer.
I have a mixed amount of hope and despair at that thought and have been analyzing things way too much. I am working on me at this point and remembering how strong I truly was as a person to be confident in my job, willing to save someone from an abusive relationship, and even consign for that person on an apartment well before we were even dating.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
DR is a good read. I've read through Step 5 and then Chapter 10, since those are the sections that apply to my current sitch. I know that right now I cannot do step 4 due to her feeling the need to separate, and it would only serve to further push her away.
Relationship goals 1. For her to start spending time with me. a. She initiates conversation about more than our son b. She approaches me about watching our favorite TV shows c. She engages in future talk about activities we can do together or as a family.
2. For her to be more loving and affectionate a. She hugs me b. She holds my hand c. She sits next to me on the couch
3. We have open communication a. She shares her passwords with me b. She tells me about all her friends c. She tells me, without my asking, her plans
Those are the goals I've thought of. Feel free to hit me with a 2x4 if they are not in the right direction. I just know that they seem to be goals that let me know she is stepping towards me and opening up. The last one is a straight LBS goal, but open and honest communication is something very important to me in a relationship and one I teach all my therapy clients.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Another update and ready for criticism on how I handled it.
Was out to dinner with my son, his grandmother, and my aunt (they haven't seen him in two weeks). Wife tried to video call, and I did not answer. Returned home and played with my son while also working on neglected home improvement (a sign of how our marriage has been).
Wife messaged that she called earlier and then asked how our son was. Replied that we were out, and I forgot to call back and said we had an awesome day. She asked where we went and what we did. I just answered that we watched TV, played, worked around the house, and went out to dinner. She asked if he was good, and I said absolutely. Then she told me she got approved for an apartment, and S5 will be able to bring his cat. I said Ok, then she asked What? I answered by saying I"m just acknowledging. Her response was Um ok. THought you would be happy that I was able to get something figured out for us. I waited a few minutes and then replied I'm happy that you got it worked out for you. I know that'll be some stress off your shoulders. You can call and tell meabout it, if you want. I just sat down 15 minutes ago, so I'm not into anything yet. She responded that she'll just call tomorrow and tell me while she tells S5. I said Fair enough. Good night.
Was I detached enough? Did I do more of the same thing? I realize that part of my More of the same thing is not engaging in her interests and not reflecting her feelings enough, but this is a tough one to do!! What do you guys think?
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
So she found an apartment after being turned down for one previously. I guess that moves us into another phase of this problem. I've had a great weekend with my son, and he has followed every direction and been happy. She called to tell him (us) about the place. I told her that I am sorry if I seemed short last night and hurt her feelings. I explained that I had such a busy day with my son amd housework that I was tuted. Took the opportunity to compliment her diligence, which is something I admire in her.
She looked bad. Said she couldn't sleep all weekend, and she went apartment hunting with her father. I'm trying not to mindread, and yet I do feel sorry for her. If I can get these posts approved, I would love any input from you guys. I've read a ton of posts so far and see such a wonderful community. I know there is much wisdom waiting to be tapped that could help me reflect on the best course of action to take to save my marriage.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
