So she calls, asking me about her TV, evidently the sound will randomly go out ... not sure what it is but I know S and her have complained about it periodically. I am the type of guy .. born and raised poor ... I fix it .. I know .. SHOCKER right??? Well with my Jedi training here .. I refused to even offer though the words have been on my lips since I heard there was an issue. I get a kick out of fixing things .. always have. But as she is talking about it ... I ramp up the shields realizing ... danger danger .. she could have asked about this at anytime over the past few months ... something is up.
So then she says something about me not wanting to come inside her apt. .... true .. I have stayed out since before Thanksgiving. She started in about not being allowed to be a part of what S and I have been doing, bike rides, walks with the dog ... all that stuff. I told her she was free to come by and grab the dog/bike and go with S whenever she would like provided I am home .... she quickly said her car will not fit the bike, and she is not strong enough to walk the dog ... Um.... not my problem. Then she busts out with "I am alone" ... I told her that I am sure that's hard, (I don't really believe it as she has done this countless times I didnt say this) ... the push pull is in full effect but this time I felt it and told her my boundaries. She pushed back a bit ... but I told her how I felt, I am a single father, S is my #1 priority and I am not going to introduce anyone into our world whom I did not trust. BAsically expanding on how I actually feel ... Its a matter of when I feel I am ready to date again and that includes dating my W .... at this point I am not ready and I do not feel she is anywhere close.
That being said ... maybe she is starting to work out some of her issues, I still think the D will be pursued and she will require alot of time to get to where she needs to be IF she can get out of the fog .... but filing out that paperwork (I am still not done) did make things very real for me ... might have had similar effect on her ... she has not shown interest in doing things with S and I in some time.
Hey Luke...if I had to guess, I would say she is spinning over the mediation. I have seen that many times. Where they have doubts come over them as it gets more real.
But, thats a guess because I cant get in her head. Nor would I want to cuz its crazy all up in there.
She seems to feel as if she will still have you to go to when she is feeling anxious or upset. Just an observation.
The spinning..is just that. Be prepared for spew to come back...it's just how this goes.
Yeah ... I agree ... but thankfully I am getting better at staying far enough away from the vortex to let her spin without sucking me into it.
Wow Cali. She is very consistent with a spew, then a pull back in and a cry for help.
I think you are handling it really good, especially the mediation. She needs to know that things are and will be different now, that you won't run to her rescue as needed. It's time for reality to hit her, and I think it is.
It's crazy to think how their minds must spin, it really does not sound fun. Stay strong, stay the lighthouse. I love your humor, you are a funny guy!
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Wow Cali. She is very consistent with a spew, then a pull back in and a cry for help.
I think you are handling it really good, especially the mediation. She needs to know that things are and will be different now, that you won't run to her rescue as needed. It's time for reality to hit her, and I think it is.
It's crazy to think how their minds must spin, it really does not sound fun. Stay strong, stay the lighthouse. I love your humor, you are a funny guy!
That she is ... she is also consistent in letting me know when OM is in the "off again" position ... I used to bite like a alligator when she would do this. Not any longer. I think truly the concept of accepting I am single and treating her as I would any woman who might take interest in me has helped me stay detached .... sure admittedly I ramped up just a bit with the "Can I Call you?" as my Spidey-Sense went bonkers ... but I stayed calm, had boundaries.
She has been TM over $$ the past hour, saying she was at the bank ... ironically its where I am headed as we have to provide statements on the accounts ... I can only guess she is doing the same. Her MLC brain is not making sense ... S Birthday party is coming up and I have offerent to pay half .. she is struggling with simple math ... last I checked half of #315 was not $287 that she thinks I should pay. smh
Ok .. off to the GAL ... yanno .. go to the bank and get my statements .. hopefully score the statements of that "lost joint savings account" that had about 6k in it.
So yeah ... as I suspected the bank proved my suspicion correct. Upon BD W emptied the joint savings account ... well .. ok thats not all entirely true, she left 21 dollars in it but ran with 7.5k. In a way I want to confront her, just to watch her lie to me about it and then see her expression change when I show her the proof .... She moved out Nov 8th and emptied the account on the 12th apparently during her lunch hour. Confronting is not going to do me nor her any good at this point ... its not even about the money, never has been with me. But the constant lies and betrayal will motivate me not to budge as far as negotiations in the financial nor custody matters. Surprisingly I am not really that upset about it ... then again .. I pretty much knew all along. I thought it was about 5k ... and I know there is not much I can really do .. but I do have her signature on the receipt and its all in cash. She has swore she never stole from me, I am guessing in her MLC mind this was her money all along.
Ironically during that phone call earlier she seemed to not understand why I told her I did not trust her ... this was more toward the line that she was alone and has been for awhile ... yet she had told me a month ago S witnessed her and OM kiss ... so I am not sure what "alone" means to her ... shrug
So ... I have the bank statement portion done, the IRA done, I have the rest in my office I think ... I just need a copy of out taxes that W has in her possession and I think that's all I have left to submit.
Too bad you did not anticipate her taking the money and moved half of it to another account. I had a gut feeling about my wife when I was in the hospital and had my parents move half our checking account out so I could cover home mortgage, etc. Of course she cried foul and said she needed the money for her expenses of getting a new apartment. Tried to use it at the beginning of divorce. I showed the fact that the bills were covered and that she had not planned on paying them.
You will need to show she took the money and also any finacial issues this may have caused as things move forward.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
I know right? At that time I was still dazed and confused, had no idea what I was dealing with. Laughing to myself thinking ... I have only figured out the MLC issue existed about 5 months ago. Our entire M I worked, deposited my check, came home .... we would discuss big purchases or if things were tight, but I really only had a guess as to how much we had at any given time (Something I honestly am happy happened, as I will never be in the dark about finances again regardless who I am with). Then the alien abduction happened and they pretty much took it all, I figured .. ok, 24 years of being together, we will figure it out ... I took a month to month rental .... had no idea.
I was thinking about it last night. I of course have heard of MLC, I do not think I am alone in the belief that it happened to guys in the 40's and consisted of buying a red sportscar and lustful thoughts/actions towards women nearly half their age. Then the 2x4 of reality smacked me in the face and I discovered here, there was an issue that seems lost in the medical world. I wondered .... how many people have gone through what we are going through without this knowledge .... I mean you are married for a bit and BAMM the WAS/MLC'r goes off the deep end and is spewing at you like no other, without knowing about the fog, tunnels, OP's being almost an 'accepted' part of this craziness .... just knowing I was not the only one was the beginning to me accepting the journey ... or "Walk of dignity" as I call it in my mind. My heart goes out to all of those here .. past and present but even more so for those who make this journey without any explanation nor closure.
Of course then for fun .. my mind wandered into the double MLC at the same time scenario, I day dream like that sometimes.
I was thinking about it last night. I of course have heard of MLC, I do not think I am alone in the belief that it happened to guys in the 40's and consisted of buying a red sportscar and lustful thoughts/actions towards women nearly half their age. Then the 2x4 of reality smacked me in the face and I discovered here, there was an issue that seems lost in the medical world. I wondered .... how many people have gone through what we are going through without this knowledge .... I mean you are married for a bit and BAMM the WAS/MLC'r goes off the deep end and is spewing at you like no other, without knowing about the fog, tunnels, OP's being almost an 'accepted' part of this craziness .... just knowing I was not the only one was the beginning to me accepting the journey ... or "Walk of dignity" as I call it in my mind. My heart goes out to all of those here .. past and present but even more so for those who make this journey without any explanation nor closure.
This is so true... I had the same perception of MLC until it happened here in my own home with my W. In our case -- we are a same-sex female couple, so I really had no warning that this could happen to us... I mean, like you said -- this happens to men in their 40s, right? Instead, I am looking at my W, who definitely seems to have been possessed by an alien, and seeing everything except the little red sports car... But that may show up next week, who knows... And when I say possessed by an alien, I mean it -- complete 180 in terms of personality and even the look in her eyes is different. I can now reflect back and see when I think the depression started to begin to set in (but I wasn't aware enough to understand that was what was happening until BD), and then I can look at photos of her over time and see the change in the eyes and the change in her smile in the photos. Unreal.
I did some more Google searching yesterday (trying to find info on brain chemistry and MLC/depression) and came across a psychology article that basically called MLC a myth with no basis in medical fact. I got so angry at that article because it's quite clear from the experiences we are all sharing here that this is happening, and it's happening to men and women -- and straight and gay men and women. I feel for all of us here -- and keep all of us in my prayers.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
I have followed your sitch here and there I have some time today so I will head over and catch up on yours .... and yeah ... MLC holds no punches and does not care who it is nor who it effects. Like you said ... total 180, and ... the more I read, the more I learn and observe ... its not that I have cracked the Di Vinci Code or anything but there is a vague script, it wasn't till I came across HB 6 stages that things started making sense and I could figure out somewhat of a timeline. I am not sure what one thing triggered it .. but it was BIL incarceration along with my fathers death that happened all about the same time and that's when things really started to move downward. She spewed for a solid year before BD ..... as far as I can tell at the current time she is Replay/Withdrawal. Obtaining that information brought me out of a stuck spot in my journey ... where I thought it was what I did ... sure I contributed don't get me wrong .. but I felt it was 100% my fault and I believe all the spew she had about why we couldn't be together, she hadn't loved me for 2, 4, then 10 years.... the things she said hit hard and hurt ... thankfully I found a Spew-Jacket on sale.
Yep -- so crazy how similar all of our sitchs are. Of course, we can all recognize our own contributions to issues within our Rs/Ms, but for many of us those issues were not deal-breakers... Just common issues that, had we and our Ws/Hs had the right tools, we could have easily navigated more successfully. But the more I learn, the more I realize that even with the right relationship tools and the best intentions, a MLC can wreck major havoc in the best of Rs/Ms.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
