Amen ... And yeah thinking about it and looking back. When BD hit .. I had no idea what was going on, honestly thought it was a Bi-Polar episode ... I read on some MLC that I was not the only one to have this thought, that misdiagnosis set me back some. I made alot of mistakes looking back (I'mn sure I am not alone here either), A good 7 months of them till I found this place ... and another month before the dinger went off in my noggin and I realized it was MLC all along and that started about 2 years ago as far as I can tell.
The thing I wish I would have learned .... was the fact its not a few month process ... talking years and even then no one knows if the MLC'r will emerge, when and IF they do you still have no idea what you will get (Enter Forest Gump "Box O Chocolates" here). That realization helped tremendously ... I took a place after BD that was month to month and allowed me to keep the dog thinking .. in 3 months tops she will come to her senses and all will be good .... I know right??!! lol ... oh that young CaliGuy is a riot
So yeah ... I am living MY life, for me and my S, taking care of what I can and doing my best to not get sucked into her confusion and turmoil, knowing God will do as He has done, hoping I hear and follow whatever it is He has planned out for me. I explained it to a friend the other night, If W comes out of her fog, I will basically have to approach it as beginning a new relationship with a new person, just as I would do regardless .... I am basically single, not my choice but I have accepted it. I am not giving it much more thought than that ... like I said .. I am not ready to date, and like everything else I will cross that bridge when I come to it .. no sense waisting energy on predicting the future. I do want her happy ... and if OM really makes her happy and that's what she wants .. so be it. She does not look happy, honestly she looks exhausted all the time lately but puts on the happy front regardless. I hope she finds peace and rest .... I know releasing her has helped me tremendously. I used to come into work and do nothing but read and search for the magic bullet ..... turns out it was hiding in my lap the whole time, mirror work and focus on oneself, something I actually have control over vs trying to steer the Tornado of Doom.
Looking forward to the new place, I think I found one but I can wait a bit .. put away some money (I have my eye on a new dining room set for S and I to eat dinner and arm wrestle on) and keep my other eye out for an even better fit .... but knowing I will be ok has me at peace, I am starting to like the new me, he is a good guy, great dad, and actually pretty funny most the time.
I'm with uR on this one. I used to look back and think, "Gee, I wish I had known this or done that, or I really should have done this or that...." Maddening drivel in the end, because really when you get down to it, I wouldn't be who I am if I had done differently. And I'm happy with me. I like me. I'm glad for the changes I made (few, but necessary and important to me).
I've given that a lot of thought over the years, Cali. I really wouldn't change a thing to be honest. I don't regret one minute spent trying to make sense of what happened. Not even after I realized that there is no way to make sense of it. I don't regret protecting my kids the best I knew how. I don't regret trying to help my ex. I don't regret the swallowing of my pride to do those things.
I knew what I could and could not tolerate. Turns out I was wrong by a mile - I could tolerate a lot more than I thought. Go figure I also knew that if I didn't do those things in the order and time it took that I wouldn't be able to tolerate me. I had to go through it the way I did. Ever second of it. Until I no longer needed to.
I think we're all somewhat like that. I think that's why it's different for each of us. Even when the rest can plainly see and want to scream, "Look! Just stop doing that or this and definitely that!!!"
It takes time and it's personal.
But it's worth every step, in my honest opinion.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Cali you sound really good! You mentioned thinking it was bipolar disease. I did the same thing- " he's not the same, something's not right. Maybe it's his diabetes, or sleep apnea, or ADD, or depression" or any number of other things I kept trying to figure out and then FIX for him! Yeah had no idea what was actually coming and how long it would take!
But sometimes, like UR and AJ and Eric say- I think that's how it's supposed to be. I think my hope or anger or sadness at any given time helped me get through to the next stage of growth. And it had to go the way it did for me. I see it in your posts too, the process of letting go is a slow one for sure. But you are making leaps and bounds. I'm happy a new place is on the horizon for you. You deserve it!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Cali - I really like the part about if/when she comes out of her fog, you'll still have to approach it as starting a new relationship with a new person, just as you would regardless...never thought of it that way. We're going to start over, whether it's with our S or with someone new. (Sigh) Kinda makes me tired just thinking about it! I like your attitude, tho. You sound great. Keep on keepin' on.
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
Well Happy Monday everyone ... and Thank you uR, AJ, eric, daring, TS, and LN ... yeah this process ... well its not one I would wish upon anyone, but the fact you all get it and are SO supportive has proven to be a Godsend.
Update time. Sorry ... alot to get out.
Friday, I have been really keeping busy at work, getting areas more organized before we ramp up and get busier. Sales meeting projections look for us to have a record year, work is going very good. So towards the end of the day I check my emails .. work and personal ... and there it is .. my spidey sense was on that morning as W looked at me strangely as I kept things short as I have over the past couple months. I received an email from the Mediation Office stating W had contacted them that afternoon and initiated the process. I emailed back stating I understood ... but financially I was not prepared (Just found I had to pay 1k in taxes) I get a reply that W has agreed to pay for mediation, and the balance of what I owe will be part of the final settlement. I then received my "packet" aka homework to fill out. Seems these guys move fast ... strikes me as the equivalent of a drive-through divorce. As good as I have been doing, admittedly this was a gut punch, I was first upset, then sad, then mad ... strangely ... I went through the cycle of emotions in about 30 minutes then I arrived at a place of acceptance and peace. I knew this was coming, and I know its most likely a necessary step as much as I never wanted it. So I gathered myself and picked up S and he told me all about the Book Fair he wanted to go to on Sunday, we went home as we typically do. W showed up and looked tense and on edge, S and I were PMA I walked them to the car as if nothing happened.
Saturday W dropped off S for a few hours (we had set this up prior) so she could go get her hair done. S and I went to the store for groceries, its amazing ... just going out to do stuff like that we have a blast ... "Child beatings on isle 4" was in full effect as we were smacking each other around .... I swear I turn into a 7 year old around him far to often ... but .. its just my way. W arrives a few hours later hair all done. I ahve noticed she gets her hair done twice as much now as she did pre MLC, she also has new clothes constantly. Just observations. So I walk them out to the car .. W asks if we can talk .... Oh boy ... Shields up to Max, Jedi training manual handy..... Ok .. Go. First topic was the misunderstanding on the taxes, she did not understand my email nor I hers .. so we settled that out and I assured her I would put in the money in Feb, I was just not happy with the screw up and late notice that the $$ was due as I was looking to use that for the new place I would be moving into. Then she moved into letting me know she was going up to see BIL3 in March and I would need to take S, again no problem I just asked she give me a heads up on the date so I could make arrangements on getting my Friday gig covered. And ... finally the Mediation talk comes out. I was calm, cool ... told her I have emailed the agency, received my packet and would fill it out. She is obsessed that I do not take all of "her" money ... that she wanted to divorce amicably ... well ... ya know provided she gets her way. I told her I was not looking to get one over on her but I would also not accept anything less than what the state says I am legally entitled to, and I told her I was well aware she was not going to like this situation. She then started spinning a bit ... telling me if I finished my degree none of this would have happened. Again ... I validated but also told her that life happens and I always did the best I could. She then started rattling off dates, Jan 26th ... I am not certain as this is a new one but I think its in reference to the miscarriage date. Then she said I was never there for her .... This one I calmly told her .. "I made alot of mistakes, but that one ... no .. sorry .. I was always good about that, I was always there for you 24/7" With that her and S left .... S said they took a really long walk around our old lake.
Sunday... W TM that S wanted us both at the Church/School for his open house and mass. So I arrive, W ofcourse is always late, the church was packed .. by the time they arrived it was standing room only. During mass it felt like W was checked out for portions and engaged in others. So towards the end the Eucharist portion starts, W has S ask me if I was going up ... I am not Catholic just yet so I just get blessed often, but with the large crowd I opted to not go ... W seemed flustered with this and took S. So here was an eyebrow raise for me, you are not to receive the Eucharist if you are committing "mortal sin" (Adultery) ... W has not gone up in a long time, when she did she and OM were broken up. However I don't think they are at the moment. So they make their way back and W looks at me ... the guilt and shame on her face looked like a little kid who just did something wrong. I kept the poker face, prayed for her after ... and realized just how gone she truly is. Later we did the book fair ... went into his class and checked all that out ... walked her to her car and off she went.
So S and I get home, he read his new book as I cleaned up a bit, got the car all clean, put things away ... then he and I took his new bike out. He has been struggling riding it and became frustrated ... we let it sit for a bit .. but I figured .. beautiful day and had nothing planned. We figured out it was the gears that had him all messed up .. set it to 2 and whammo .. off he went ... rode the thing all over I was so happy and proud .. the smile on his face ... ugh ... nothing better. He told me as we were going back home "Dad that was so much fun!" I cooked, we had dinner .. watched a movie and got ready for bed. He called W as usual ... they talked a bit ... she asked how I was, shocked me .. she has not asked about me in months ... I let it go .. who knows why. As S was about to fall asleep ... he asked me if we could ride bikes again soon .. you could not chisel the smile off my face ... looking forward to going to our lake for a nice ride this weekend ... I could care less about the SuperBowl, yeah ... man I have changed.
So ... I have a stack of paperwork to fill out for mediation, in a strange way it has hit at the perfect time, I will know for certain where I stand financially and this will help me get a place that I will not have to stress about later, S and I are really looking forward to this ... strange .. I have never had a place all to myself ... ever. Lots to do this week ... new life is not waiting around lol
Hey Luke, I know no matter how prepared we think we are, when the divorce is started, it still hurts.
So you processed all those feelings pretty well, just know they will come back around some again.
In her mind, she has to do this because what she has tried hasnt worked as she still isnt happy.
I would like you to think about something. You are pretty flexible regarding her asking you to take your son. I know you do if for him.
The thing is that she has to live her choices, too. She told her you had to watch him while she goes to her brother's. I know you want the time with him. But I dont want to see her taking advantage of that.
She wants to end the marriage. That means that Cali isnt going to be there whenever she wants, right? Not at punishment, just because that's the way things go when divorces happen.
Great job with the bike...man, that is such a great feeling, isnt it? He will always remember that day, Luke. Lucky you that you got to be there.
Hey Luke, I know no matter how prepared we think we are, when the divorce is started, it still hurts.
So you processed all those feelings pretty well, just know they will come back around some again.
In her mind, she has to do this because what she has tried hasnt worked as she still isnt happy.
I would like you to think about something. You are pretty flexible regarding her asking you to take your son. I know you do if for him.
The thing is that she has to live her choices, too. She told her you had to watch him while she goes to her brother's. I know you want the time with him. But I dont want to see her taking advantage of that.
She wants to end the marriage. That means that Cali isnt going to be there whenever she wants, right? Not at punishment, just because that's the way things go when divorces happen.
Great job with the bike...man, that is such a great feeling, isnt it? He will always remember that day, Luke. Lucky you that you got to be there.
You are doing so well, my friend.
Yeah you are right about the being available to much .. especially when it comes to S. I felt that Saturday, but I selfishly took it as its a bonus 4 hours I don't get with him .. and I know when he is with her he is alone playing in his room as she is doing who knows. He tells me this, so its all I have to go on.
As far as the feelings ... yeah .. its a serious gut punch and I still am in denial to a point, I never thought in a million years her and I would end up this way .... well that was before I discovered aliens can take over ones spouse via possession of the soul .... still SMH every now and then ... but I have faith this will all be for the best in the long run.
If anything .... I was given the gift of time .. I know here its so cliche... but looking back (I even mentioned this with W Saturday very briefly) I was more concerned avoiding a fight with her than I was sticking up for me and doing what I felt was best. I lost me, lost my spark, I have slowly started to regain that ... its been almost 3 years ... part of me wonders if I myself did not spin into a mini MLC episode and her leaving me shot me out of the tunnel a bit. Who knows ... but what I do know, I am starting to figure out this "life" thing out ... I have my priorities locked down, I am taking control of MY life for the first time it seems and it feels good. I like the new me, and I am really at a place I do not need anyone to complete me, I would love to share "all this" preferably with my wife ... but honestly ... she isn't someone I can trust, nor someone I really want to be with at the moment in her current form. I do hope she finds peace, and not that fake peace she seems to be in and out of lately ... I can see it on her face, must be exhausting .... maybe she figures it all out one day ... and yeah the little hurt boy in me wants her to realize someday she had a guy who loved her completely ... mess and all ... loved her enough to let her go. Who knows when and if that will happen, bottom line ... I look in the mirror everyday and see room to improve, reflect on all the improvements I have accomplished and realize I have done all I can do to save my M and family and sometimes your best just isn't good enough, I did all I could and that's fine by me, I will walk my walk with dignity and accept this is how its to be.
