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Time for a new Thread

Old one:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2519589&page=10

Well ... bit of an update. Dropped off S this morning, he forgot his backpack so I had to make the round trip journey to deliver it back to the W.
I have been cautious around her, according to my hurricane tracking chart her spin cycle is due any time, PMS has always created turmoil and I do not need to remind you of my Jedi Premonitions...... and wouldn't ya know it .. I received a call about 30 minutes ago. I was in a pretty good place .. have been dark with her for about a month so I decided I had shields powered up enough to take the call.
Started over the health insurance, then to the phone. And finally ... she brought up the D ... more specifically mediation. I restated my stance ... "I do not want a D, nor mediation" she went on about how were were separated and have been for a year ... I again reminded her this was not my choice. She asked if we go to mediation would I attend ... I told her I would have to think about it. She started getting emotional .. not spew but crying ... mentioned she was tired of limbo, she wanted to move on, she feels suicidal around me ... I simply listened and told her I truly was sorry she felt that way. Somehow during the conversation I did say I can only trust my gut, (I did not want to throw God or the religious card at her ... but He has a big role in this)She responded with asking "what my gut said" I told her my gut tells me that divorce is not the answer, I also felt there was not one single issue that we had between us that we could not work out. She brought up some instances over the past month where she felt I was rude and walked away from her .... I merely pointed out I was just doing what she wanted and giving her space. She told me I had a week to decide on the mediation ... I just STFU and listened for a bit and then she hung up.


So .... I actually thought I handled things well, there were some points where the hurt little boy wanted to point out OM was a big reason W and I can not work out issues .... however the bigger better person in me knows this is not truly the case nor do I feel the urge to lash out and hurt her. I have actually been expecting this, new year and all. I know in her crisis filled mind this will bring her happiness .... seems when she asked me what my gut said I sensed some doubt with her .... but we all know the MLC is all over the place so I am not putting alot of faith in that.

I do not know if this will go away (The push for D), not sure my M and me standing will outlast her crisis. I am not certain when or if W will ever come out of the tunnel. I have questions ... hard ones to face myself. I have accepted things are how they are, and have been doing my best to use this time to become a better man and continue to honor my marriage. But I am not sure when the final blow will be for me, when the D is final? I guess like all things .. worry about today ... cross that bridge when I get there. Part of me wants to just grab her .. shake her a bit and get her to understand her unhappiness comes from within, I care for her and wish she would do the work but I see her running from it. I regret the way I have handled things up to now, hindsight and lessons learned and all that.

Well ... this too is out of my hands, I continue to give my M and my W to God, I trust His plan for all this.

The Saga Continues.....


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Cali,

Many people choose to live this life superficially......guess what it is their choice to do so. Looking within is a gift, but not everyone gets to that place.

This life we live is an adventure, an absolutely incredible journey we get to take. I'm a firm believer that we need to live this life from the inside out, not from the outside in. An MLC lives life from the outside in from feeling to feeling to feeling.....doesn't leave much room for internal contentment.

Keep moving on with your life.....your doing great.

Mirage

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Hi Cali,

You said you are not sure you or your M will outlast her crisis. From what she said, I hate to tell you that this M is over. Based on my experience and others she will probably remain fixated on the D being her only route to happiness. The question you will eventually answer for yourself if the situation presents itself is do you want a new M with this person or not? This may take place before the divorce or after it. Only time will tell.

I am not sure you handled things well. You should have probably said that you don't believe that divorce is the answer, but that you won't stand in the way if that is truly what she wants. You don't have to carry the ball but don't appear to be standing in the way. This will only fuel the fire and prolong her MLC. I would seriously consider the mediation unless you have deep pockets for a lawyer. I know this is hard to accept. Somehow it does not feel like you are standing for your marriage. Are you willing to stand by forever while she is stuck on getting the divorce? If not then maybe consider this as a step in the process of continuing to move forward.

I am in the same boat and had to accept this myself. I did not stand in the way nor carry the ball. Unfortunately she chose the lawyer route and cost about $30k between both lawyers. It is less than a week now and she is already struggling and will learn the hard way.


Twisting on Life's Rope
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Originally Posted By: Lifes Twists
Hi Cali,

You said you are not sure you or your M will outlast her crisis. From what she said, I hate to tell you that this M is over. Based on my experience and others she will probably remain fixated on the D being her only route to happiness. The question you will eventually answer for yourself if the situation presents itself is do you want a new M with this person or not? This may take place before the divorce or after it. Only time will tell.

I am not sure you handled things well. You should have probably said that you don't believe that divorce is the answer, but that you won't stand in the way if that is truly what she wants. You don't have to carry the ball but don't appear to be standing in the way. This will only fuel the fire and prolong her MLC. I would seriously consider the mediation unless you have deep pockets for a lawyer. I know this is hard to accept. Somehow it does not feel like you are standing for your marriage. Are you willing to stand by forever while she is stuck on getting the divorce? If not then maybe consider this as a step in the process of continuing to move forward.

I am in the same boat and had to accept this myself. I did not stand in the way nor carry the ball. Unfortunately she chose the lawyer route and cost about $30k between both lawyers. It is less than a week now and she is already struggling and will learn the hard way.


I may have not been clear. The D has surfaced several times over the past year or so.Just to revisit this .. as its buried in my threads ....We have gone to a mediation meeting before after which she asked what I thought .. again .. I do not want D but in no way did I say I would stand in the way ... but I am not going out of my way to help either.

Seems she is struggling financially, my guess is she went through the savings that she had hid from me around BD, she consistently is looking to nickel/dime me on things .. and have me pay for all of S's incidentals. I have not pressed nor rocked the boat on this as I do not want S to miss out on things that he enjoys because W is in crisis mode. That being said .. she will be worse off financially if we do D, this will come up in mediation, I just am not wanting to waste $2000 to prove that point, but this very well may have to go to that.... and yes .... I have mentioned before part of me believes in her head she does not think she can be happy until she is D from me, I don't think this to be the case but I have voiced my concern that it makes me become the obstacle once again to her happiness.

So that being said .. I have been shopping around for apartments, found a few that would do just fine .... however if I need to come up with mediation money things could be a little tight ... again ... cross that bridge when I get there ..I am not waiting around ... there is a part of me that thinks maybe she temp-checked me with this whole push-pull game, I stated my peace and that's all I can do.


M: 48
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BD Sept13



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Is this marriage mediation or divorce mediation?

If divorce, then way cheaper than an attorney.

Question for you. Why are you assuming you need to look for an apartment?

My outcome may be against the norm. I also did not agree with the divorce, but did not openly obstruct it. What I did was stand my ground on the important things. Why should she be the primary care giver and get primary custody? Why should she end up with the house? Why should I pay alimony? Those were the questions I asked myself. I decided that if she wanted it bad enough, then she can just walk away from these. In my case, I am not paying any alimony. I have the kids 5 days a week. I have full ownership of house with no financial compensation to her in the agreement. Those were her choices. Yes she is now struggling. That is part of her decision. This does not mean that I won't give her part of the proceeds from a future sale of the house. It just means that for now I am taking care of the kids and providing a roof over their heads. I didn't stand in her way, I just did not help her to get it.


Twisting on Life's Rope
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D final 1-2015
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CaliGuy Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Lifes Twists
Is this marriage mediation or divorce mediation?

If divorce, then way cheaper than an attorney.

Question for you. Why are you assuming you need to look for an apartment?

My outcome may be against the norm. I also did not agree with the divorce, but did not openly obstruct it. What I did was stand my ground on the important things. Why should she be the primary care giver and get primary custody? Why should she end up with the house? Why should I pay alimony? Those were the questions I asked myself. I decided that if she wanted it bad enough, then she can just walk away from these. In my case, I am not paying any alimony. I have the kids 5 days a week. I have full ownership of house with no financial compensation to her in the agreement. Those were her choices. Yes she is now struggling. That is part of her decision. This does not mean that I won't give her part of the proceeds from a future sale of the house. It just means that for now I am taking care of the kids and providing a roof over their heads. I didn't stand in her way, I just did not help her to get it.


Mediation ... divorce

Currently I am renting a room, the apartment is for me, my new life, and my son ... I have accepted that W is in a crisis, I do not see this ending anytime soon .... I am not comfortable with my current living arrangement as I took it as a short term fix, not realizing at the time what W was dealing with.

As far as standing ground, yes the blow up 3 weeks ago I have already informed W, I will protect my rights, custody will be at the least 50-50, though at this stage I am not so sure S wouldn't be better off with me more .... but that is merely my biased opinion and one I keep to myself. We do not have a house to worry about ... but she does stand to lose a good chunk of her 401K (That I have a feeling she has pulled out and used for BIL3 lawyers) ... .she would also under the states calculator be required to pay me child support and Spousal support. This will no doubt upset her as she struggles as it is without all this.

As I told her via phone .. I would think about it. I have adopted this to clearly remove myself, get the emotions out of the way to be able to make a solid decision. The more I think about it ... meeting with the mediators is most likely going to have to happen I think for both of us. I need to continue to grow, She needs to continue her journey aswell.

Like I said .. she may/may not bring this up again with the past things, but if she insists then I do at this point think I will go along with the process.


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BD Sept13



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Cali,

I'm sorry you are struggling right now. I suppose we are all wired a bit differently, so please don't think I'm trying to be harsh.

Let your w go. Your marriage is over. Was over at BD (actually before) although the formal announcement was your official notice. Please don't clutch on for dear life. Again, this doesn't mean you can't rebuild a new R with your w should you choose, however, you have to let her go. As LT stated, standing in her way will only fuel the fire and perpetuate her feelings that you are preventing her from "happiness."

Divorce isn't sexy. It's a business decision. I'm frugal by nature and I was determined not to dump much $$$ into something I didn't believe I even though my x-ILs offered to pay for all of my costs. I spoke with attorneys (it's like the old boys club where I live) and quite frankly, I decided to not go that route as they said some rather preposterous things to me. Xh is the most passive man alive and he stated that he knew that my top concern was the kids. This isn't mind reading. My xh has said he knew that everything I did would be for them, so we hammered it out and had an attorney do the paper work.

This may not be totally DB like, but I hammered out a settlement that no attorney told me was possible. I was always the breadwinner and my concern was that I should be able to adequately care and provide for my children. Again, admittedly this may not be DB, I was not interested in hearing xh talk about how he should get to write off kids with a 90/10 split because he wanted that. Nada. Business decision .

Please don't think standing in her way helps you. You seem like a good man and a fantastic father. Focus on you and S. Live your life with authenticity.

Hang in there?!!



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BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
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Hi Cali,
Sorry to hear about W's latest move. Been there myself and it's not fun. The fact that your W said that she feels "suicidal around you" is telling. It shows how strongly the MLCer has linked their bad feelings with you. If she were at all rational she would realize that makes as much sense as saying that being around her car makes her suicidal. Your mere presence, in her mind, can cause her to want to end her life? Think about that. You don't beat her, don't treat her badly, don't bring up her past "wrongs"...in fact you are nothing but kind and understanding around her but she still links you just being there to such bad feelings that she doesn't even want to go on? You are not alone. My W has done the same. IMO it is a desperate move. It is easier for them to place blame then to look inside. Looking inward means more "bad feelings", facing up to how their own actions and reactions are just as much (or more) to "blame" for how they feel. Not an easy thing for a rational thinking person, let alone someone in MLC.

Since she left, W has been very worried about money (even though she makes over $80K a year) and has found a way to blame me. Seems until the D is final, she can't take me off her health insurance and is blaming the cost of having me still on as draining her funds! She even said she feels like she is "supporting" me! Cali, until she gets the D she so desperately wants, she WILL find "reasons" that the answer to every bad feeling she has is the fact that she hasn't done it yet. LT has been there, I am there now and so have many others. Seems like many female MLCers do this. Until she gets what she wants (in this case a D), she will link her pain to the fact that she hasn't gotten that which she has built in her mind as THE ANSWER. Hard to understand, harder to accept...believe me I know.

I wasted much time and effort thinking that maybe somehow my W wouldn't go through with it, that she would realize that D wasn't the answer, wake up in time. I was wrong and it has hurt me in getting on with my life as I should have been using the time and effort on preparing for life post D and getting my ducks in a row for the D process. IMO the more your W thinks that you will not get in her way, the better it will be. The simple saying that you don't think D is the answer will be seen as resisting what she wants.

Just be ready Cali. There may be no way to avoid a D in the end. You and I know that D isn't the answer, it seldom is. Unfortunately, in the end, there may be no way to avoid it.

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Hi Cali,

I'm going to let the vets handle this one, but I also just wanted to say a few things.

I know how hard it is to let go, I struggle with it myself daily. I have to agree with the others in that, saying you will think about mediation or to say no, you will not do mediation, is going to be seen by her as you standing in her way and fuel her fire. She needs to be able to make decisions and deal with the consequences of those decisions without you standing in the way. It is the only chance for her to see that her unhappiness does not all stem from your marriage and you.

I have looked into mediation in California and my understanding is that it involves writing up the paperwork for the final D agreement, and then at the very end, to file. I have even heard that they encourage working the marriage out instead of proceeding with D? I may get beaten up for saying this, but it's not over until it's over Cali. It doesn't mean it will happen. And if it does, again, it is her decision to live with.

Again, I'm still learning, but I don't see anything wrong with being honest and saying this isn't what you want. But you could also say if this is what you really want, I won't stand in your way. That way you state your peace but may not be seen as the enemy.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
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Just more thoughts to add....... You mentioned hormones......also, you have been doing such a great job of pulling back......she may be temp checking, to see if your stance has changed or not.....


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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