RPP: Best Year Ever (14)

[SunnyB]

I'm feeling overwhelmed today, so I'll break all this down into teeny weeny bite sized pieces. Here's a start.

And I kept thinking that H should call and invite me and the girls to breakfast like always.

Why do you have this expectation?

p.s. Are you feeling physically better?

I thought breakfast would be nice yesterday because it's one of the family traditions that we have kept up through storm, hail, sleet, snow, good times, bad times, BD, and S. It's been a consistent throughout everything, until yesterday. And it's not really so much that I expected him to, I just didn't see any reason why he wouldn't and thought it would have been nice if he did.

And yes, physically, I'm doing very well. Work was tiring today, but I can chalk half of that up to emotions, not just the physical. I feel like a nap, but think I'll take a short walk instead, it's a beautiful day here.

[SunnyB]

Does this mean you can network now? Approach members for contacts and so on for information on future prospects?

V

Yes, if everyone knows, there's no reason I can't approach members. These people are a gold-mine, literally. I need to get myself in order to make the most of it.

[SunnyB]

RPP I agree with the NC crowd (surprise surprise). My reason is that the lact of contact will allow you to detach.

I get it, I really do. But it's not like I'm the one initiating contact most of the time. We take care of kid business, house business, etc. It's not like we get into deep personal conversations. The one exception would be Sunday breakfast

I'll try to back off a little more. But his birthday is tomorrow, and we have a family birthday dinner planned for Friday. So.....

[SunnyB]

Round 2:

rpp, sorry about the work thing. That stinks. Perhaps the priest needs to understand how that made you feel so he doesn't repeat the situation for others?

Ahoy, this priest is, sadly, clueless. He'll repeat it again and again and never catch on. I learned early on, when he was the new assistant, to never tell him anything at all, it would come back around to me. It's just in this case, I had no control. But in a month it won't matter.

You can just say that you're feeling the need for some space for a while. When I said that to my H, I told him, "Just as you expressed the need for space when you first moved out, I am finding that I need that space now. It's not forever, but this is what I'm needing at the moment."

I could do this, probably. Except that 90% of what we are in contact about is kid and house related. My health issues and taxes make up the another 9%. I guess even all that could be cut back, but.....

I'm reluctant to actually come out and say it to him, I may try just cutting back myself, he'll probably follow suit. Less contact is not actually what I want, so I might be less than convincing.

[SunnyB]

Betsey, don't apologize! You are a jewel to come by at all. I'm truly grateful you take the time out of your busy life to help me. Hope the plumbing issues are resolved!

And when I did have to clarify the calendar issue, why did he have to be so short? Why could we not have exchanged a few words about our day?

Again, where did this expectation come from?

It came from H being a really good friend last weekend. Taking care of kids and house and me. It just seems right that we could continue that. Why should we not be able to?

But what I hear everyone saying is that if we ever do get there, it will be somewhere way down the road. That I can't skip the steps. Sigh.......

I'm having a really, really bad day. Apparently, my boss announced my departure to the congregation yesterday at the annual meeting. He didn't tell me he was going to, he didn't tell me he had.

So sometimes, we need those kinds of endings to facilitate new beginnings. In fact, I just read somewhere "by not having an ending, you're denying yourself the beginning that you need".

And today's conversation with my boss/priest was basically, RPP if you continue to attend church here then I hope you'll get involved in a ministry that you have not previously been involved in. Mmmmmm....so.....let's see.....that rules out membership, newcomers, mentoring, greeters, hospitality, all social functions, anything financial, audits, stewardship, fund raisers, calendaring, building upkeep and maintenance, capital improvements, capital campaigns, outreach, advertising, the website, the weekly e-newsletter, baptisms, confirmations, weddings, funerals, women's ministries, the school, or anything to do with the vestry or the diocese. So, basically, I could......sing in the choir, or......leave.

I don't know what I want to do. I need a spiritual home, and this has been mine for more than 25 years. I met my H there, had my wedding there, was confirmed there, baptized all my children there, and worked there for almost 17 years. H has been on the vestry, built buildings, and led the worship service. It's the biggest church of our denomination south of Palm Beach County (PBC is the location of the church where Donald Trump had his last wedding). There's nothing else like it in our denomination around.

This summer I visited a different denominational church here in the city, and it was good. But I have some theological issues with it. So it's ok to visit, not a long-term solution. This is something I"ll have to ponder and pray about.

[Underdog]

Just me, reporting back for duty, sir!

Yes, plumbing problem was fixed, I took D17 to her GI appointment this morning, scheduled her appointment with the oral surgeon, went grocery shopping, talked to my folks and am now readying things around here for the HUD inspection of my house tomorrow (a requirement for me to be the caregiver for my soon-to-be D18). The best part of my day was coming home to a clean house. I finally rehired my wonderful cleaning crew after doing it for 3 years on my own. Yay!

It came from H being a really good friend last weekend. Taking care of kids and house and me. It just seems right that we could continue that. Why should we not be able to?

But what I hear everyone saying is that if we ever do get there, it will be somewhere way down the road. That I can't skip the steps. Sigh.......

Well, probably. But because you got what you need, you want more. Check. I get that too. Don't get me wrong... you *should* be able to. But the wrench in this pie is your H. He's not sure about anything right now. Keep the course. But I'd suggest approaching him for what's important (the kids and consistency) and leaving those expectations at the door. He's not able to do this with you right now for whatever reason. Accept "what is" and keep moving forward.

Now on to the meat of your message. RPP, I'm FLOORED by what your priest told you about finding a new ministry. Are you Episcopalian or one of the eastern rites? I'm putting myself in your shoes and feeling really flummoxed as to what I would do. This is awful. If he said to you how you worded it, I'm afraid I'd feel the implied message of "we don't want you here". If that is the case, he means he doesn't. For whatever reason, I doubt that we means anyone other than him and maybe a few of his cronies. I wonder why he took that approach with you? I mean, really. WTF?

I seriously think if that happened to me I'd have to find another church community. I don't think I could listen to him deliver a sermon and not think what a fricking hypocrite he is. Any chance of me growing spiritually would be nil. Actually, as I write this, I just realized that my spiritual growth is my end game.

A few years back, I was teetering on the edge of my own faith community ledge. I love my pastor. But he took a vow of fidelity to uphold the tenets of faith that the archbishop demands. The political brouhaha around voting for candidates who didn't publicly condemn abortion was leading our bishop to come dangerously close to excommunication those of us who are not puppets. I am one of those minorities who just plain don't want the government to sit in the middle of my R with my doctors. Period. I vote with my conscience. I consider myself a faithful person and I'm fully capable of dissecting what's important and prioritizing. I don't condemn others for not agreeing with me. I told my family if he made our priest enforce a requirement that violates the separation of church and state, that I'd walk out that door and never return. I'd do it not because he would issue a knee jerk dictum, but because there would be little to no room for me to grow as a person of faith. So there you have the world according to Betsey. I feel your pain, though. The thought of having to stand in your shoes makes my heart hurt.

I might have to do this in a few years myself. Our pastor is retiring in 2 years and if we get some fire and brimstone priest, I'm not sure what I'll do. We shall see.

One other thing. I don't think there is one denomination that fully embodies everything I desire in a church, theologically speaking. As long as they don't encourage things that I consider patently wrong (like sending out nut jobs to bomb abortion clinics) or weird (forcing me to sell my stock in Coca Cola), I think I can be open minded about a lot of denominations. That being said, I tend to seek out communities where I feel welcome, D17 is embraced and the people around me seem to be there for the right reasons and not to be seen. I know how awful that looks, but I've attended churches where the faith is the draw, but it's nothing more than attending high school and dealing with show offs and the Joneses and keeping up with everyone. I abhor that. I hate snobs and I hate people who look down on others. So I won't be part of any community that gay bashes or lacks compassion. I'm not even sure I'll be able to stay Catholic when our priest retires. I'll deal with that when the time comes. Until then, I have a good community.

All this being said, if you really feel connected to your current church and have no problem dismissing this nut job of a priest, I say you go right ahead and join the ministry of YOUR calling and tell him to shove his opinions up his ass. Don't let him stop you from being the person you need to be. Chances are you've been there longer than him. At least in my church, we know any pastor's tenure is limited to 3 year stints and if the congregation lobbies an outright assault on him, the bishop listens. Not sure what your denomination's policy on that is.

Now, I'm off to deal with some weird texts from a former neighbor. He wants me to do his taxes???? I'm really confused, because I don't even do my own taxes. I don't even play an accountant on TV. My eyes glazed over when he told me he has $15K of losses in 2014. I pay my CPA good money to deal with that crap... SMH.

Good luck, sweetie!

[labug]

I don't know what I want to do. I need a spiritual home, and this has been mine for more than 25 years. I met my H there, had my wedding there, was confirmed there, baptized all my children there, and worked there for almost 17 years. H has been on the vestry, built buildings, and led the worship service. It's the biggest church of our denomination south of Palm Beach County (PBC is the location of the church where Donald Trump had his last wedding). There's nothing else like it in our denomination around.

Maybe it's all about a real ending.

Stepping out of your comfort zone. Starting new. Acknowledging the good things but letting the past stay in the past.

You're standing at the threshold of a whole new life. Scary? Yes, but what opportunity awaits.

Thanks for your nice comment on my thread.

[bdub]

I could do this, probably. Except that 90% of what we are in contact about is kid and house related. My health issues and taxes make up the another 9%. I guess even all that could be cut back, but.....


I had a similar issue at my house only it was with the credit card . The bill was always pretty high. We would look at it and say " next month it will be less because there will be no concert tickets, or hotel room, or amusement park tickets or trip to Home Depot." The next month the bill would be high again and we would say " It will be less next month because there will be no.." Well, I think you get my point.
January was supposed to be a month of limited contact because you had to just get through christmas. No contact or limited contact is VERY hard. Until you get tired of "that high credit card bill" it will be very easy to explain away all the "extra charges" so to speak.

I think the contact that we are all worried about is the dinners and the parties and the special occasions. Logistics are a given. Birthday parties and Sunday brunches are allowing him to cake eat and not allow you to detach.

[Vanilla]

Does this mean you can network now? Approach members for contacts and so on for information on future prospects?

V

Yes, if everyone knows, there's no reason I can't approach members. These people are a gold-mine, literally. I need to get myself in order to make the most of it.

Go do it. Seize the day, go ring them, have coffee and ask ask ask.

That is what V would do immediately without hesitation and with a smile.

Put H, pastor and moving church decisions on hold until you have worked the network. All of the other stuff is noise compared to the green field in front of you. Your higher power has a plan for you in this of that I am sure. Time for action not vacillation.

I am very excited for you.

V

[SunnyB]

Again, breaking this down into bite-sized pieces:

I finally rehired my wonderful cleaning crew after doing it for 3 years on my own. Yay!!

Betsey, yay for your productive day and yay for the cleaning crew. I had been cleaning my house all by myself for about 4 years because "we couldn't afford" any help. Then, after H moved out, D16 pointed out that he could afford a posh apartment and a gf, so she expected us to get a housekeeper. And now we have someone one day I week. Yay me!

RPP, I'm FLOORED by what your priest told you about finding a new ministry. Are you Episcopalian or one of the eastern rites? I'm putting myself in your shoes and feeling really flummoxed as to what I would do. This is awful. If he said to you how you worded it, I'm afraid I'd feel the implied message of "we don't want you here". If that is the case, he means he doesn't. For whatever reason, I doubt that we means anyone other than him and maybe a few of his cronies. I wonder why he took that approach with you? I mean, really. WTF?!!

I'm Episcopal. I grew up in a different protestant denomination, and made the move to an Episcopal church in college after a stint with a Roman Catholic bf. I met H at this church and started all that I outlined yesterday. And, yes, boss/priest phrased it pretty much that way. And I asked him, is that for YOUR benefit or MY benefit, and he replied that it was for the church's benefit. Yeah, right.

But in a way, I do understand where he's coming from. I was hired by current boss's predecessor, RT, who was here for 24 years and incredibly beloved. RT is still beloved around here, he's retired and lives nearby, his sons and wives and kids are still members. Current boss/priest is incredibly insecure about it. RT and I worked very closely together, and I was involved in almost every ministry in the place, and it's a big place. I had more knowledge/power than the assistant. There were a few assistants over the years (they tend to want to move on to become Rectors), but the last one before RT retired was current boss/priest. So there was a point not all that long ago that I had more knowledge/power/ear of the boss than he did. And he's never gotten over either how loved RT was, or that I was close to him. I tried really hard the past few years to support current boss, accommodate shifting responsibilities, did everything I could to please him. But my opinion is that he's just never going to get over the insecurity of being in RT's shadow, and therefore mine.

I probably will, in fact, have to find another community. But the thing I love about the Episcopal church is that we are open and welcoming, compassionate and available to all. And it's not necessary that we all believe the same thing, there's room for lots of opinions, theological discussion is encouraged. It's about personal relationships, it's about community. And I loved being part of that.

We shall see what the future brings.