I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It is awful to see some of these things. And now you know what you know and have the 'measure' of things, you may want to stop snooping for now - because it's torture.
One thing to remember is that these scenarios very much have a script and your W 'thinks' she is in love with OM. In reality, very few As actually turn out to be 'love' when tested in the real world. They are in fact 'infatuation' which can pass. But it may well take your W a while to realise that....or she may never do so.
This is why it is best to focus on you..
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
You have to decide for yourself if the A is a deal breaker for you.
If it isn't stop snooping Right now. Now you know and that all you need.
If it is a deal breaker then you can do whatever feels right to you. If not then you have to decide if telling her will get you closer to your goal of saving your M.
Starsky is very good with this I will let him handle it.
I'm probably the wrong one to ask, as I'm a BIG proponent of the ongoing gathering of good intel to protect your interests.
I'll get phone coaching on Monday but does anyone know what the basic protocol of this situation is. Since she is SO far away and divorce within the next few months will be inevitable, just so she can be with OM. Plus she thinks she gave everything enough thought so she thinks her decision is totally rational and the love she feels for OM is true and sustainable.
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
she thinks that due to they have been friends for a long time and true love she says has a good 'foundation' like that, not like our love where we rushed into things although it felt totally right at that time.
That's straight to the point what scares me. And I am just curious about some opinion on that. I won't hang myself on these thoughts tho. The current situation is enough for me to completely detach and let it go.
Last edited by Complex; 01/16/1503:25 PM.
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
Another thing I wonder about is family involvement. We might be close to let her family know/can't hide it any longer. (Family is big, very loving, very high values). What's the procedure on that? I'm sure she won't tell them the whole truth like she didn't tell me. Should I play along or meet with them before/after very confidential, with no blaming, understanding and love and let them know the truth?
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
Another thing I wonder about is family involvement. We might be close to let her family know/can't hide it any longer. (Family is big, very loving, very high values). What's the procedure on that? I'm sure she won't tell them the whole truth like she didn't tell me. Should I play along or meet with them before/after very confidential, with no blaming, understanding and love and let them know the truth?
Let them know lightly that you guys are going through problems related to infidelity. Do not try to get them to help you out though, so just let them know in case things get further out of hand and leave it at that. In the worst cases the families will support the cheating and will dog you out badly.
Hey Complex -- Sorry to hear. Unfortunately, you're outside of my areas of "expertise". I've never had an opportunity to snoop, so I've never learnt how to deal with it. My instinct is to gather the intelligence to understand what she thinks but doesn't tell you. There seems to be a lot there about what she'd like you to do differently, but I don't know if her A doesn't cloud her judgement. What I can say is that you really shouldn't panic about the tone and the content of her texts. Again, it's right on script. What else do you think that WAW say about OP? "Oh, I don't like him a lot, he's not very handsome, hope he doesn't call tomorrow...."? Of course not. Also, what do you think they say about the LBS? Exactly what your WAW says.
As for the family, I don't know exactly either. My instinct is that you don't need to get involved. Time has a way of making things clear. My WAW announced she was in an R with a new colleague 1.5 month after leaving me. I think people will figure out what happened on their own.
Your sitch is just getting started. The end of the tunnel is too far for you to see the light yet.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Another thing I wonder about is family involvement. We might be close to let her family know/can't hide it any longer. (Family is big, very loving, very high values). What's the procedure on that? I'm sure she won't tell them the whole truth like she didn't tell me. Should I play along or meet with them before/after very confidential, with no blaming, understanding and love and let them know the truth?
That's a personal decision based on your core values. Personally, I loved and respected my MIL and FIL way too much to lie to them, and so I didn't. But there are risks, you've got to be of the right mindset (and I think you seem to be reeling a bit), and it's NOT strict DB teaching. I certainly wouldn't lie to them if they asked me outright, though.
