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Complex Offline OP
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I'm moving boards:

Quick resume:
BD around 6 months ago. Wife has feelings for someone who she almost dated, from work. I was crushed, cried and begged. She dropped contact. She tried to connect with me, didn't work at all obviously. In house separation. She is sure we shouldn't have gotten married, it was too fast. She was sincere but it didn't work out for her.

Today:
I found out she has a strong EA with him since a while. Not physical, read through over a month of text messages. She confessed she is in love with him. I'm crushed.
I didn't go crazy on her, of course I was mad for lying and disrespecting me but I walked away from discussion to avoid sth I will regret later.


First question: What are the first steps, what should I do? Should I actually confront OM with it (and if so how?)???


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


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Complex Offline OP
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FYI. W and OM are supposedly friends since a longer time before marriage. They never dated but liked each other. He seems to be a nicer guy but definitely flirts heavy with my wife and disrespects our marriage to a certain extend.
I am very close to tell him to respect my marriage and our problems and to back off. I am not sure if that would do any good.

Here my old thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2517929#Post2517929

Last edited by Complex; 01/12/15 11:09 PM.

Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


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Posts: 6,810
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Why would you expect a dishonorable man -- a PREDATOR -- to do the honorable thing?

Don't confront him. Confront your WIFE.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: Starsky309
Why would you expect a dishonorable man -- a PREDATOR -- to do the honorable thing?

Don't confront him. Confront your WIFE.


Starsky


I did. She tells me she can NOT change her feelings and that there is no way. She is so stubborn. And that even if she cut contact with him our marriage would be over.
So what can I expect now? Nothing probably. I wouldn't even be surprised if their relationship will become stronger now and become physical at some point.
Should I actually ask her to cut contact?


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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You can't tell her what do, you can only tell her what YOUR boundaries are. Have you told her that you are unwilling to live in an open marriage? ARE you unwilling to live in an open marriage?


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Complex Offline OP
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I see, it's about ME. I am very unwilling to do that. I do not want this. But what is the solution?
What defines an open marriage and what is a healthy boundary?

FYI my situation is pretty bad since I can hardly support myself since I built my life and work life here from scratch after moving from Germany.

Sorry for all the questions, I ordered DR book but it won't be here until Wednesday and I have an appointment at a therapist, but not before next Monday.



Last edited by Complex; 01/13/15 12:28 AM.

Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


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Posts: 1,532
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Originally Posted By: Complex
My whole body is in pain...
I don't know what to tell you on this. If my experience is any guide, you're in for a lot of pain until you begin to digest it. Personally, it woke me about at night for close to two months and now, getting to four months, I start to feel more indifferent about it. It appears to be a question of personality. Some people digest it faster than others. Some people obsess and get angry, others very sad. Some obsess about certain parts of the A (emotions, sex, kids, happiness). So don't look at others for the kind of reaction you should have, just feel what you're going through, but don't let it absorb you entirely. This is your challenge.

Feel free to describe here how you feel, and how you process these emotions. Find an outlet. Make sure you don't end up blurting out the wrong stuff to your W.

By the way, there's a section about infidelity towards the end of DR.

I'm glad you have Starsky309 engaged. He's one of the experts on OM and confrontations.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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Thanks Mozza. I saw your post in the other thread too. I replied there:

Book is on the way.
I feel in a way I can hardly describe. She lied to me all the way and justifies her actions through that our marriage failed already, so it is fine to do whatever. She only didn't get physical because we are still officially married.

"My stomach hurts, my life basically came to complete stop. I don't see a future. I have suicide thoughts, but I am not going to do that, I have too much responsibility for the people that love me and maybe I have another life to live or maybe my marriage has another chance, but it is far far away. All hope got crushed. The messages are going through my mind. What he said, calling her "gorgeous" and how they were bonding. Then she calls him a good guy, you got to be kidding...
I am in the deepest whole ever...I just want to skip the next few weeks and months..."


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


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Posts: 6,810
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An open marriage is three people, and you tolerating it. Obviously 95%+ will SAY they won't put up with this,,with their words, but their ACTIONS say otherwise.

You need to think long and hard about this, because I assure you, she IS testing you!


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
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Complex Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Starsky309
An open marriage is three people, and you tolerating it. Obviously 95%+ will SAY they won't put up with this,,with their words, but their ACTIONS say otherwise.

You need to think long and hard about this, because I assure you, she IS testing you!


Starsky


OK I understand.

So they aren't physical. I told her I am not tolerating what is going on and I won't tolerate OM and that she crossed the line.
Her response was that our marriage doesn't exist anyway. I told her for me it does, but I won't be in her way. With or without OM she doesn't want the marriage anymore.
I did not tell her to quit the relationship but that I cannot life with this situation and rather risk getting thrown out of the country (my greencard renewal is due soon) than putting up with this.
And since I said it I will have to do it. There is no way back. But I don't know if that was a smart move. I will lose a lot of time on saving the M. We will see how this is going to play out for me. Oh Jesus...help me

Thanks you so much Starsky for your help!

Last edited by Complex; 01/13/15 02:38 AM.

Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


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