So, had first family counseling today. It went okay. Kids were all over the place, but that's to be expected for an office full of toys. They did say that they miss dad when their at mom's and mom when their at dad's and also said they wish we would be together.
I asked about whether our normal session tomorrow was still on, in which W replied; "this is getting really difficult balancing this and work." I think I know what that means for future sessions.
So, on the way out, W and I were getting the kids coats on. S5 saw a picture of a broken heart on the wall and said "Dad, that heart with the crack is your heart because mom broke up with you and left." Well, wife heard this.
I said, "S5, Dad's heart will be just fine because God has a plan in this, don't worry"
Well, guilt is not going to do anything in this situation and it is mind reading, but I could tell that probably hit home with W.
I got the kids in the car and for the first time, W looked at me right in the eyes and gave a little wave as she was leaving.
Dang, just seeing her with the kids and us all together has set the detachment back and then this. Need to move onward and upward.....ugh
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
These encounters are the worst... Why do you think I cut off even lunch or banter emails with my WAW.
I noticed in your post that you focus a lot on how your W is probably feeling, but you don't really tell us the actual content of the FC or what you learnt? Anything of interest?
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Yeah, there really wasn't anything too interesting to report back on it. He just took some blocks that had various feelings and had us all talk about the ones we picked. The whole exercise was a little too advanced for the ages of our kids. Couple this with Nerf Guns and My Little Ponies all over the place and you see what we had...
I tried to throw out when they were talking about missing us that maybe they could facetime the other parent, but the kids got distracted before I finished and I didn't want to push.
So, I would say that I was a lot more in tune with how W and I interacted with the kids. I'm not sure if it was this way prior to BD and I just didn't realize it, but it was weird. Almost like looking at parenting styles from a third person. I could see our styles were definitely different.
I saw that I took the role of the disciplinarian, even as they were interacting with W. That was our typical role in our M.
I've caught myself a couple times doing this even before now with kid swaps. Basically, W was asking them something and they were ignoring her. After a few times of her asking them, I said "S5, mom is talking to you and asked you to put that down." I'm guessing that is not a good thing to be doing in our current situation. Just like everything else, those are her issues to solve.
I do think it had an impact on the kids, not sure good or bad. We swapped the kids there and on the way home, both just sat in the car looking out their windows which is not normal. At one point, I asked them what they were thinking about and S5 said "You and Mom together"
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Oh, yeah, one other thing. I talked to the MC before W and kids got there. He said that I couldn't let my frustration and anger show in front of my W. I thought that I had been doing an okay job with that other than last week. I know that he was not too happy what I did last week, but I told him it feels like I've been a doormat, catering to whatever she says or having her shutdown if not. I said to him that I've accepted the situation for what it is right now and not expressing any feeling of hurt or betrayal was eating me up in side.
Then he said, He would guess that there may be a little hope for reconciliation if we establish a R with each other about the kids and the sitch with the OM fades out. He said that would probably be 2-3 years before it could get mended. Yikes.... I told him that I wasn't interested in W until she could make some serious changes in herself first. He agreed that was the best thing.
Since wife canceled us meeting with him together tomorrow, I asked if I could see him myself. So I'm going to do that.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Thanks for the details, MCS. It's interesting that the MC went so far as to say that there are chances of R in 2-3 years. I don't think I've MC go there before.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mind reading right now, but he's only seen W and I after BD and frankly, there is so little that we have in common right now nor any type of semblance of the ability to communicate. I think the timeframe was him seeing that this isn't a repair for our marriage, but a total rebuild.
Now, like I said, he's only seen wife as she is today and not how she was before. that was the purpose of my comment about how she would need to make some drastic changes.
So, all things considered over the last year, I've known my wife for quite some time and would say I know her personality pretty well. The way she's acting right now would be exactly how I could see it in a situation like this. The 'victim' role was a little odd, and has thrown me for a loop, but that seems to be a WAS thing. For both of us, once we have our minds made up, we dedicate everything we possibly can to make it happen. We've always been polarized in the same direction and that's why we had achieved so much. Now that we're in opposite directions, it's like a stand-off.
So, Mozza, like you. I guess it's time to detach and drop the rope. I'm still concerned about communication about the kids, but if I'm detached I'll be able to see the path much more clearly there.
I've said it before, I have no concerns about my own future with or w/o my wife. I've been thinking about my fears in all of this and it truly is only being with my kids 50% of the time. I think that's why I can't contain my emotions when things with them happen.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
So, met with MC individually today. He's the only person that has talked to both of us since BD. His assessment was pretty grim.
He's talked to her one on one and she has been emotional about things while talking with him (has never been with me)so I'm not sure what she has said to him in private.
Anyway, he had some really interesting advice that I never thought that I would hear from a counselor, but I understand what he meant.....detachment
He said,
"MCS, as much as its tough to admit, your M is dead. There's nothing you can do right now, as she doesn't want a M."
"MCS, W is not going to think of anything else or future affects of her decisions while (pursuit or R) with OM still being in the picture"
"MCS, you need to stop leading with your heart in this"
That last one stung, but it didn't mean be a jerk; but detach from the situation and stop trying to yearn for a connection, stop trying to let her lead me by manipulating, etc.
Also, we talked about the kids. I think that he realized the emotional strain having them go through this has had on me. Its the one time I completely broke down. He told me from what he saw, they were doing okay. Kids have to go through loss at some point, I can't shield them from it (this is part of my struggle.)My logical mind still sees this loss as preventable, but that doesn't matter now.
He said that this is a better time for the kids than later in life of having parents separate as the memories and any resentment of the situation on their parents is lessened as the grow up. He said the pre-teen years are where a lot of the troubles with kids and divorce come into play.
I don't know, feeling more detached right now. Like I said the other week, I don't want the person I see right now back in the M.
Last edited by MCS; 01/20/1508:18 PM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
So, definitely feeling detached. I was a little upset earlier today, but getting this opinion from the MC has helped clear some of the fog.
I just sent her an award that S5 got from school for attendance. It would have been hours thinking about whether to send it just a few weeks ago. I simply took a picture, sent it to her and carried on with my day. Felt refreshing not to worry about it. I'm at a place that I did it because I wanted to, not because I felt she would feel one way or another.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
I'm glad you're in that place. Perhaps the MC talk will be the shock that you needed to move to this next phase, like learning of A for Card29, meeting an interesting OP for others, and the D request for me.
What I may advise, from my experience, is that you note how you feel and how you got there, because it can also be fleeting and it's a feeling that can be useful to recapture. Somehow, you need to be able to find the way back there because it's definitely further down the path we're travelling. This is what detachment feels like and this is where you need to be to progress.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
