I finished up my last therad with a post from my thoughts today. I just want to add to that, that every day when I wake up now, my thoughts go directly to the betrayal. The depth of hurt and lies. How twisted and out of control everything had become. It's not a good way to wake up. I need to refocus on my kids, happy things. But wonder about this.... I mean, when xh is here, things are ok. But after he leaves or the next morning, especially, I have terrible thoughts. I have ways to make them better sometimes, but I worry they will never subside.
Xh has been texting me now with small talk. He knows I know where he has been. I think he is feeling me out.
Mighty, my dear friend, the next days will without a doubt, be difficult. Please know I'm thinking of you.
All of your last post on the previouse thread..... All of it makes perfect sense to me that you would feel exactly as you do. I would probably feel the same, although I can only imagine what it would be like to be in your shoes.
I really wish there was some way for you to get away from the noise and the mess. I'm afraid it may consume you.
Given the anxiety from this morning, it is clearly ramping up. It isn't going to get easier between now and tomorrow.
Please make every effort you can, to take care of yourself, and find things to keep your attention and focus off of them.
As far as feeling used.....yeah, Might, I hate to say it, but you are.
I mean this with only love....
He gets to come over and watch the fights and have pizza. He gets to have you pour his coffee for him and then changes his mind to suit his current whim. He gets to snuggle in your bed. All without a R, or any of the needed work.
Mighty, I'm concerned for you because you're giving so much effort. There is nothing wrong with that. I, too, have craved the "old" feelings, the normalcy, the old habits.
The thing of it is, whether we recognize it or not, there are expectations attached. To go through the same motions as a family, then not have the affection returned, is maddening. It's confusing. It's heartbreaking over and over.
That kind of pattern is not serving you well, my wonderful friend.
Again, I don't blame you one bit for wanting those experiences again. But he isn't ready. You aren't ready.
The baby coming is such a looming cloud right now. So many unknowns. It's not time yet to spend evenings and coffee together, IMO.
I get it. I really do. Being together feels good short term. But then you end up hurting again every time. Because he repeats the pattern....he runs away again, and lies. Because he still doesn't know who he is, where he is, and what he wants. He gets triggered. He gets distracted by hww and the baby. He needs so much more time on his own.
So do you, Mighty. ((((Hugs))))
You are so much more than this sitch. You are so worthy of peace in your life.
Things will sort out in time. You will have every chance to decide down the road, what you are willing to accept for yourself.
For now, I urge you, please....
Protect you. Love you. Take care of you. Value you.
Keep your focus there^^^^.
It is truly the ticket to being at peace with what is.
Thank you, Mighty. I care deeply for you. It hurts me that you are going through this all.
I am so much like you, in that I loved to take care of my H.
I used to start his small bathroom heater in the little "potty" room each morning five minutes before he would get up, because I knew he woke up cold. I used to bring a cup of coffee to his sink for when he got out so he could drink it while he got ready. I did all kinds of little things for him.
I did that because I truly enjoyed it. He never asked for it. He did appreciate it.
What I'm saying is that I get it because it feels good to give. But we have to limit that when it begins to chip away at our "self".
I saw this quote on FB and it resonated with me:
"Givers need to set limits because takers rarely do."
Shining, you've got me in tears! I'm sitting outside the grocery store. I read you post, then Xh came in to watch a movie w d13. I was so pissed when I saw him. He was all, hi mighty! I was in the other room. I came out and said, you coffee is right here (been sitting there for 4 hours). He had the one from coffee shop In His hand. He didn't say anything.
I walked over and whispered in his ear (d13 was in the room), "want to tell me anymore lies then come sit in my house?"
He said he didn't lie. I walked out. He asked if I was going to watch the movie. I said I had to go to the store. As I was leaving, we were mouthing things. He said he wasn't lying, which really, he was omitting the truth. A lie to me.
I made some gestures showing my displeasure. Here I go again! I am sick of it. I know he has to deal with it. I HAVE ACCEPTED THAT PART! I just hate the feeling of being caught off guard. It makes me so uneasy.
Then I thought this as I was driving. This house... TLHOW (reference from prior post) is a non negotiable for me. I can set my foot down about some things. I have plenty to work through. I should not have to deal with this. That's it. There are some things that are not ok with me. This is one. I will tell him tonight. Although I have a feeling that was discussed today with HWW. But he sees a lawyer on tues, so I hope he didn't agree to anything. I have been trying to bide my time with saying anything with the impending date. But I am saying this part today.
The rest, I'm not sure when the right time is. He said we'd talk when I get back. We will see.
I have some thoughts about what would happen if I walked away from his mess vs sticking it out. But I will address that later.
Thanks, shining!! Love, love, love having you in my corner. You are very wise. XO, love ya!
Aww, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to have you in tears!
First, no way to know for sure if he lied today... Arguing with him will not produce a satisfaction or a "win". Best to let that one die.
For tonight.....If there is any way for you to not allow the anger to control you, please step back and find some calm....lots of breathing.
Ok, their house..... Was this purchased during your M? Do you have a financial interest in it?
I completely understand the hot button it is, as it represents to you, your heard earned money from long ago.
Going back to what you can control:
You can ask that he sell the house and make her find other living arrangements. But you can't control whether that happens.
You can choose what you will do if he decides to allow her to keep the house. That's all.
You can also choose to find a way to accept it, should he allow her to keep the house. <<< NOT the easiest, for sure. It would mean letting go of what that house represents to you. It would mean accepting what is, and not taking it as a personal decision about you. Dang near impossible feat, but it is possible to do.
He doesn't deserve to take any more of you, Might. Not right now. Don't let him. Don't lose you. The anger is giving him the power to control your emotions.
I don't expect you to be not-angry.... He!!, I'd be armed and dangerous.
Showing him calm, controlled, confident PRIZE you are, will be in direct conflict with hww semantics. You are the prize. You will be ok regardless of him.
Losing your cool will remind him of the not so good times that he ran from.
You can't boss him into doing anything, especially regarding the house. He will do what he does.
Let him know your wishes. Let him know what it represents, if you believe it would get through to him. My gut says that it won't. Not today. Not anytime soon.
You got this, Mighty. Remember who you are. He can't take that from you. Your calm-confidence will knock his socks off.
Thanks, shining. (Just finished shopping.... Back in the parking lot!)
Yes... That's exactly what I'm trying to be. Calm & cool. I notice the difference right here... Friday he let me know what was going on. I handlers it well. And when he got back, he talked about what he wanted & I aged it co. Understood. But, when I get this... Blind side, that's what makes my emotions go off track. It's the trigger... All too well does it bring me back.
The house, I know it seems silly... But putting my own personal reasons, I also know she will continue to call him w problems about it. And I know she will expect him to help $ wise with it. I found out that her x bought her the other house for her and their son (it was worth 3x what mine was). But I am uncomfortable knowing it was theirs and he has the garage opener hooked up to his truck and he walks right in (like he did at my house) and knows it too well. It's not like they were married. It was a f up. Whatever. Just too much attached. And the $ that went into it was our in segments which were to pay for kids college. They suffered through being there for years while we worked. I always felt bad but old them it would pay off. That $ went into their house. I have no $ for kids college (s17 graduates in a few months) and xh will still be giving her $ for this expensive house which there is no way she should be able to afford. So she will expect more $ for it! She is so out of touch (just like she called her x for more $ when she found out she was preg & it wasn't even his.)
Mighty, I have to apologize to you. I did something I dont normally do here. I held back on what I was thinking. My intent was good. I felt you had so much on your plate, but, that doesnt negate that I did it.
So, I am sorry. I am going to do what I should have done and tell you how I feel.
I agree with Shining. You feel used because you are being used.
You know, I think people on here sometimes misunderstand this. Standing doesnt mean that you succk everything up and you stay quiet because you dont want to do anything to get them upset.
Not saying stuff is for you, because really, they cant hear us. That just makes you spin your wheels.
You are going round and round in circles here, M. I hate to see it.
He comes over, you get along. He does something, you get upset. You say something, he gets upset. You feel badly and, well...you get the idea.
Being there for him doesnt mean he gets to do whatever he wants whenever he wants to and you dont matter.
You do matter. A great deal.
He is in a mess of his own choosing. And you are making it real easy for him to get through it with very little consequence for him.
Now understand that I dont think you should provide the consequence, but, I think you should allow the natural consequece to unfold.
He gets you, his kids, the house and all. He gets to see you, see her, see the kids.
You seem to think that you should just succk all that up. And you dont.
If you dont feel good about any part of that...dont allow it. You can set boundaries in a loving way, M.
Thats why you have to figure out what you want. Not in terms of the marriage, if you arent ready for that. But in terms of him coming and going and lying and all.
If its not ok for you, then its not ok.
I do think that since he doesnt want to work on the relationship right now, he thinks he doesnt have to tell you stuff. And he knows how upset you get when he sees her, so he lies about it.
Time for you to get off the ride, M. Take back your control. YOu keep giving away your power to her and to him. Take it back, girl.
Figure out what you do not accept and set boundaries for them. He will probably break them, you need to stand firm.
As I said, you can be there for him, but,you get to determine in what ways.
Dont let fear drive your actions, M. You have choices, too. This is your life. You get to decide how to live it.
Figure out your boundaries.
A friend of mine wrote this about them...Maybe it will help.
List them out and read them (aloud) to yourself. Sometimes reading them aloud will give you a new perspective on them. If they sound funny , then find out why they do, because they might not be a boundary that you need to relay....
Make sure, 100%, that your boundaries are for you and NOT for you to "punish" in any way...
Watch how you deliver them. Make sure that you word them without coming across as controlling.
Closely examine the words "you", and "I" . Anytime one uses those words, there is a strong chance of using guilt or blame.
"Always" and "Never" are words that can make us hypocrites....try to stay away from them as well.
Make sure that YOU feel good about saying them, and they are only to protect your emotional being or physical in some cases.
Make sure that you are willing to die on that hill. Meaning is it worth it to even state them.
Do NOT overstate them. Say what you want ONCE, and rest on that. Don't explain yourself, you have your reasons, just like they have theirs.
Then you need to back away, and live with those boundaries, and let them live with them. They will cause them to spin a little, but that isn't your problem now.
Use tact, not anger. Tact was described to me as telling someone to go to hell, and they look forward to the trip.
Be the person that you want to be, regardless of what happens. You are setting a boundary, not to induce a reaction, but regardless the reaction.
We care so much about you. We got your back. Do what you need to do in order to be ok.
The OW is a parasite who leeches off of the host as long as the host is present and supplies the blood. When the blood supply dries off, the parasite will fall off and die. The current host is your H.
