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#2522789 01/02/15 11:35 PM
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Time for a new thread for the new year smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Home is calm again. H is back in happy mode.

When I came home from work tonight H told me he found some places to look at and is looking at one tomorrow.

My first feeling was anxiety. But now I am back to feeling like this is best.

There are so many pros and cons to living with your MLC. My biggest issue is having S go back and forth. We are so close, that was really hard on us when I moved out. But otherwise, I really am ok with it.

My hope is that having H experience life without his home and family on a day to day basis might wake him up a little. I know it could go either way. I truly believe if he moves out it will either make us or break us this will be it.

It's hard because he really has come a long way and has honored most boundaries I have laid down for us to live in harmony. But I keep getting that nagging feeling that there is more going on. Something on that phone. OW, pornography, online relationship, who knows.

Please men on board. Is it possible to give up sex for over a year, overnight?? I bring this up and H says with all the stress he has lost the desire and just doesn't feel that way towards me. That our issues have killed his desire. Just like that?

Anyway, it's this kind of stuff that doesn't make sense to me. I know MLC is crazy land, guess it could just be that.

Anyway, we will see how this plays out. I suggested the move but also told him this arrangement could work great while we figure ourselves out as long as he could be open and honest with me. His choice, it's in God's hands now.

I just think to myself, his weird phone behavior, his ring off, his marital status as blank on Facebook, no sex, caught in lies about his whereabouts, women's shoes in my house while I was moved out, movie tickets on his credit card, texting my friend behind my back one night, so many things I can't let go. I just can't yet. So much disrespect. Yes, it's better he go for now. If he will!


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Stress can play a role in not being interested in sex...but depression plays even a bigger role.

So, he's been looking for a place. Maybe he'll find something near by and your son won't have to travel too far to visit w/him. Of course, your h could suggest that he come to the home and visit w/him. He may be looking and will not find anything he likes and remain right where he is. Time will tell what he does.

While he's trying to figure things out, keep the focus on you, your son and your pets. Allow this man to twirl in the wind for a while.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Job yep, looking at places. We will see. I am already back to where I was the first time he "found a place" I am redecorating the house in my mind and planning game nights and dinner parties with friends. I am imagining peace, calm and space. All the good things that come with it.

H is way too much on my mind these days and I don't like it. I am not GAL and detached enough. This weekend my goal is to get out, visit a friend, use some gift cards I got. Need to let go of this past week, keep it simple. I feel it in me, she needs to come back out!

In the next couple of weeks I will be booking our Socal trip to Legoland and Disneyland. I let H know, told him he is welcome. I am not sure if we are really ready for a family trip, but it only seems right to invite him. I am SO ok doing it alone with S again. We had the best trip ever last time.

There she is. That fearless, independent outgoing girl. I like her a lot better than H obsessed girl.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Ok. Had a good day! H left this morning about 10:45 to look at a house to move. I really wanted to get S and I out of the house for a bit, so I decided we would go to a local state park that I have been wanting to check out. We grabbed some lunch and decided to picnic at the park. While there, we also looked at some old buildings with history to them. S and I had such a great time! The park is beautiful, we talked and talked, even did a little mini hike before leaving. We decided next time we would go earlier so we can picnic and do a full hike.


I had TM H when we left for the park about 1:30 to let him know where we would be. H said have fun. No mention of where he was. Just got home, it's 5 and no word from H. Boy, that's a long house viewing!! Lol. It's obvious he is in rebellious teenager mode. He left smelling really good, left some grooming scissors next to the shower, and is not giving me the common courtesy to let me know where he is. So obviously trying to get my goat and feed some of my fears, no? So juvenile to me and a perfect example of what I do not want in my day to day life. Hey, thank you for the reminder H!!

I will not say a peep, he won't get any reaction from me. I had a wonderful day with my son! Gonna keep myself on my nature high:)


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
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Nature high - I love it. Actually spending time with your kids in a relaxing environment is food for the soul. Too much noise everywhere. Sounds like a fabulous day.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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Thanks Gwen. I am still on my nature high! I love hiking and picnics and beautiful views.... a perfect day. Seems S likes it too, I may have discovered a way to get him away from the electronics!

About 6 o clock last night H TM that he met up with friends, was having dinner, then gonna play poker, hoped we had fun at the park. I laughed at "friends", I guess I am not privy to who he hangs with, however he checked in to let me know his plans for the night so I didn't have to wonder. Why do I sound and feel like I am talking about a teenage child??? Lol

So I TM back to have fun and win big. I told him we had a blast and sent him a couple of pics of S. He said he loved the pics.

Dragged S to the grocery store, came home and made pizza and watched my Netflix movie I forgot I had. S and I finished our great day with a great night.

I woke up about 2 am really thirsty, so got up to get some water and noticed H still wasn't home. I thought to myself, are we here again? Just then I get a TM...

H: Not sure if you will get this but I'm just waiting to drive....I will head home when I can drive.

I waited a beat, no anxiety, no bad gut feelings, no anger, I was good! I didn't want to ignore the text, I really appreciated it, was his first time update me like that since BD. so I replied:

Thanks for letting me know so I don't worry. Be careful...stay where you are if you need to.

I grabbed kitty and snuggled back up in bed. I heard my phone with a couple more texts from H, but I didn't feel like getting up to read them, just wanted to go to sleep.

This morning g, my dog alerted us to H coming home about 9 am. S and I were both still in our beds. H peeked his head in my room to let me know he was home, then I heard him go into Sons room. They talked and talked, S told him all about our trip to the park. He really enjoyed it! After a few minutes I went into S room and we were all snuggled in bed while we told H more about the day.

S and I got up, H said he needs about 10 more hours of sleep and is now sleeping. I got my phone to see what his texts had said:

I'm ok, just waiting it out...want to be sleeping at home! Then about 10 minutes later his 2nd text said:

Thanks for understanding. If I'm not home it means I fell asleep in this chair...so tired...


Me 48 H 46 S 11
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BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
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Hey, mleigh, I completely relate to this:
Originally Posted By: mleigh4
Is it possible to give up sex for over a year, overnight?? I bring this up and H says with all the stress he has lost the desire and just doesn't feel that way towards me. That our issues have killed his desire. Just like that?
Almost the same words H used to tell me that he was not in love with me anymore. I think he did have sex with me in these rare occasions for the last few years before the BD because he felt obligated. After the BD he’s been looking for a prove that it was because of me that he didn't have much desire, and once he meets a suitable woman it will all return like he had it when he was in his 20th. Ha, I think he will be disappointed…

I complete agree with job. This could be because of depression. I can see it now.

You did great, by not reacting to all these rebellious teenage stuff. Keep it up!


M:50
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S28 (my S from previous marriage)
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S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Brightfuture - thanks for your info, it helps.

I am feeling proud of myself for not reacting to H this weekend, but it really takes it's toll on me. It's just another slap of reality that this man doesn't care about me or how I feel. He knows how much it hurts me to not know who he is with or where he is. The fact: I don't know who my husband spent almost 24 hours with or where he slept. I was given no names, not of one single person. I'm not going to ask, I'm tired of feeling like a mother with him, asking him questions of his whereabouts. I'm so tired of it. But I shouldn't have to ask. A man should not treat his wife like that, to really thinks it's ok to keep her in the dark about people, not come home until 9 o'clock the next morning. Does he get some kind of thrill out of this? WTF?

I appreciated that he checked in with me a couple of times, and I do believe he was out with the guys. At least he let me know he was playing poker and sleeping on someone's chair, right? It's better than I have gotten in past outings! But the no name thing, the not telling me who's chair he slept in, oh man, it gets to me. I'm hurting, facing the reality of how he feels about me. He doesn't care. What do I do with that? It feels so good to get my rant out here instead of with him!!

Living together, it's so so hard to not have those expectations of being treated like a normal spouse. I try and try to tell myself, like I tell others, he is not able to give me any more than this right now. He is not in the state of mind that I am his wife. He is not able to respect me in that way.

I am not going to react or get angry with him, it does absolutely no good. He is in overly Mr. Happy mode right now, I see and know his pattern. I know from what I have learned over the past year that this is typical MLC behavior, it helps in that I know the "why". But it doesn't take the pain away or make it any less. It really hurts.

I see the change in me, the fact that I didn't react is a huge change for me. It's not so much anger I feel, it's a deep sadness and pain.

I also know the best step for me right now is to step back, stay back, keep my guard up and let him spin. Let him do his thing. He is in spin mode again. He needs to do this, it's part of his journey and I need to stay out of the way. I really do know and understand this, there is no question about it. THAT knowledge and understanding feels good.

Don't worry - I know all the things I need to do and I know I will be fine. I did great in not letting his adventure ruin my day. Just feeling a little icky and poopy and needed to get it off my chest!


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
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Hi mleigh,
Wow, as I read your post I can really relate. In the year after B-day before my W left she did the exact same thing. Instead of poker, she was at a bachelorette party. I also didn't react badly but of course my W was combative in her texts like I was somehow. She expected me to be upset so no matter what she "just knew" I was. You are so right about MLCers acting just like teenagers. My W acted just like my 15 year old D! I know how hard it is when they are at home and you just want a "normal" M partner but they just can't do it. It's hard, it hurts but there is nothing that you can say or do to change it. Very frustrating!

By the way, the sex thing isn't just with men. My W and my sex life disappeared when she was depressed and again when she went into her MLC. I really think a part of why she felt the need to run was a fear that there was something wrong with her in that dept. We had a really great sex life up until she went on meds for her depression and she was very afraid that it would never come back. Easier to blame her lack of desire on me. I think it's part of why the MLCer is so sure that we are the problem. If they really loved us, they would want to have sex, right? Must be something wrong with us, can't be that they are depressed. I also think it's why so many run to find OP's. To prove that they've still got "it". It is also a bad dynamic. They not only feel a lack of desire, they also know that their S wants to be intimate and when they can't or won't they feel badly about it. Then when the MLC hits hard they turn that guilt around and blame the LBS. The biggest part of my W's depression was guilt. She always felt she was letting everyone down. One way to get rid of guilt or shame is to turn it around and find a way that they aren't responsible and blame the LBS. I really think that is a big reason for the spews. Not their fault that they destroyed a family. If we had been a better S, if we didn't X or hadn't said Y, well they would have been wonderful and loyal S's!

It's isn't easy when you are working so hard to keep the family together and you get no respect back from your S. I also remember the "overly happy" pattern when my W was still at home. She would get that way and it seemed so fake, like she was forcing it and I knew something bad was coming. It's still so amazing to me how they are so "on script". They all feel like no one else knows how they feel (just like a teenager!) but they all end up doing and saying variations of the same things. It must be embarrassing for those that wake up and remember how they acted.

Hang in there mleigh. Good that you didn't react and better to rant here then with H!

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Thank you Matt,

Hearing and reading that others have seen the same behaviors helps so much! It's funny. (well not) I was explaining to a friend that in real life, the events that happen to us by our MLC'r are so crazy and just so unacceptable. But on this forum, it's "normal" and happens daily to us. She is so greatful I found this place, and so am I.

H just called. He has the day off today and got a call to look at a house at 3:00 today. However, he will have son since he is picking him up from school and wanted to know what I thought about taking him with him. I asked H, have you talked to S about your moving out? H said he did in the past, the first time he was looking at places, but not recently. I said, in my opinion that would be a lot to throw at him with no preparation or warning. H agreed and said he would reschedule and went on to say that he wasn't really sure about the place anyway.....

I guess that means he didn't like the place he looked at on Saturday either, if he is still looking...

Part of me wants to say, do you really want to move out instead of work on your marriage!!?? Then I remember.... ya... this isn't my husband and no... he doesn't want to work on our marriage..... and this is best.....he is driving you crazy at home....and Mleigh.... how long will it take to really get that?


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
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Mleigh .... I do think if anything ... the stories here just validate to us we are not alone. I thought W was just going through a Bi-Polar thing .. not knowing any better, I did know she was no longer the W I married ... and yeah .. looking back to some of the things said and done, well ... parts make ya wanna cry, other parts you just have to shrug and laugh at, would not be easy to do unless you are reassured it is you who has not gone off the deep end. For Christmas W bought me a self-help book .... I was half shocked that there were not areas highlighted for me to focus on ... I mean seriously? .... she should have just stuck with the go-to Bundle of socks she typically gets me. laugh


M: 48
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M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Caliguy. I laughed at your wife buying you a self help book. Can you imagine how she would have reacted if you had done the same?? They really are in another world.

So to update. H went and looked at another house last night, but didn't say anything about what he thought about it. Just acted business as usual.

A couple of months ago, H grew out a beard. Said he wanted to try it out, it was also at a time when he was hanging with these mystery friends. Eventually, the beard went away along with his party nights out. Well, he is growing the beard again. Strange how it coincides with what seems to be H going back into his tunnel for a spin.

I got my DB book yesterday. I have DR, but not DB. I started reading it last night and read the first chapter about how Divorce is not the answer. Of course, it makes me anxious and a little sick to my stomach. When I think I may be ready, that woke me up a little. So I sat there and thought, I wonder how it would effect H? Is he too far gone to give a poop? Or is there some little glimmer of hope in there? So, I went over and asked him if he would read 1 chapter. He said sure, no hesitation. He put his phone down and started reading. I told him, you don't have to stop what your are doing and read it now, whenever works for you. He said no, it's ok.

I know that may be against DB rules, but I have to..... HAVE TO... know I tried everything.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
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H moved out 2/15
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DB is for YOU and not to just to try to save your marriage. DB can be used in your day-to-day life w/anyone.

I would suggest that you not share your DR and/or DB books w/your h. These are tools for YOU to learn and use, just as this forum is a tool for YOU.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
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Job - I know DB is for me. I do. The only reason I suggested the chapter is from past conversations with H. He has said he is confused, doesn't know what to do, is scared of divorce, scared of moving out, scared of what it will do to our son. He also has mentioned that he looks up stuff on the internet about marriage problems. So, I don't think it will hurt.

I don't expect him to read more, I don't really know if it will make any difference. I just don't want to wonder, down the road, what if...... I wish I had gotten more info and used resources when I was a WAS. I don't know if it would have helped me, but maybe it could have?

I am not going to stand in his way, whatever he does. He wants to move out, go. He wants a divorce, fine. I am doing my best to keep the focus on me and stay out of his way. I just don't like the feeling of giving up on my marriage. I am angry, unsure of what I want, disappointed and frustrated. I am on the roller coaster of yes - I want my marriage to no - I'm done. But deep down in my heart, I just miss my H and want him back. I was getting really good moments with him, these past couple of months, almost like he was coming back, then poof - gone again.

I guess I am reacting to that....This too will pass.....


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You aren't giving up on your marriage if you allow him to go. You are giving him the greatest gift by allowing him to have the time and space to figure things out. He's confused, that is part of the crisis. You've been doing the right things, but you need to allow him to fix himself. You can't do that.

If your h is truly willing to work on the marriage, he will seek help w/his confusion, i.s., therapist, counselor, priest/minister, etc.

I understand missing the "old" h, but you do realize that once his crisis is over he will be a different person? Yes, there is a chance that he will still have many of the qualities that you loved, but he's going to be different, i.e., far more mature/settled and some of the mlc traits/behaviors of his crisis may remain w/him for the rest of his life. There is no easy way to predict how he will be once the crisis is over.

You are getting some really good moments w/him because you've pulled back and given him space. You will notice that the more space he has, the more opportunities he will seek out to be w/you and your son. When he has space, he doesn't feel pressured to be "all there for you". He knows that you are expecting him to do this or that, react this way or that way. So, yes, when you've gone on w/your life, the pressure was relieved and he wanted to be there and do things w/you. Once he senses you are trying to get closer, yes, he pulls away. It's the distance/pursuer game.

You have to trust in the system, allow him time and space and you have to dig deeper for patience. Patience is one of the hardest things to have when dealing w/people in crisis. We get a little nibble of them warming up and we start to want more, even though we may not even be aware of it, and BAM! The little rabbit goes back in the hole for a while.

Continue as you have been. Allow him to figure things out. You can't fix his confusion for him...he has to do that on his own. Okay?


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
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Okay. I will keep on keepin' on. I had noticed this morning that he must have taken the book with him in his room last night because it wasn't on the table. I went home at lunch, and it was on the table. So I took the book and put it away for me to read on my own. If he asks, I will just say I put it away so son doesn't see a book with the word divorce on it, he is way too young to understand that, but I will let him know where it is at.

I have been adjusting to giving H a huge amount of space. It not only helps him, but helps me, in so many ways. I will continue on that road. You know, it's that pms time, and that may be playing a part in my emotions right now. So I will really focus on laying low.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
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H moved out 2/15
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I think it's the after holiday let down that's a contributing factor to a lot of poster's emotions right now. Continue to give him the space he needs to figure things out. I would hate to see you attempt to rush the process and then be hurt more so.

Trust the system, trust yourself and the man upstairs. What is going on w/him took many years to bubble up. It's going to take some time to for that boiling pot to settle back down.

Keep the focus on you and your son.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
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Job - it just clicked in my little brain. So, giving him the book is the fixer in me trying to fix him, therefore he wouldn't be doing that himself, which he should, and it could all backfire on me. I wasn't thinking of it as fixing, but I do see it now.

Got it - thank you for the gentle 2 x 4 smile


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Mleigh

Yeah .. I confess .. I cringed that you gave H our playbook.....lol I know my W might be open to it at a given moment .. but hours/days/weeks after that would be used against me like no other.
Remember, pressure is a trigger for MLC, and yeah you are right .. I too am a fixer and you can not fix him, this is not going to be fixed by any of us, the only way for them to get through is by their own accord. Just look how hard it is for us "normal" people ... they tell us detach/GaL, PMA, 180 ... and here we all are .. knowing and seeing its benefits still struggling with implementation ya know? I imagine for a person in MLC its like yelling at them in Chinese .. they just feel the anger and pressure and we LBS need to make certain any pressure and anger they might feel comes from within so they can address it, at least that's my observation, I have been to close to the fire so W assumes its me and nothing she needs to address.


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BD Sept13



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Quote:
He knows that you are expecting him to do this or that, react this way or that way. So, yes, when you've gone on w/your life, the pressure was relieved and he wanted to be there and do things w/you. Once he senses you are trying to get closer, yes, he pulls away. It's the distance/pursuer game.
I read that and I'm reminded of conversations with my ex. She felt a huge pressure to apologize and say things to me. She felt the pressure of me wanting her to come back. And the confusion, anger, etc.

It's enough to know that they feel it and live with it constantly in their head. It's not worth it to push that or reinforce it because it will push them further or worse, cause them to come back too early and feel like they "had" to. You'd be living a lie and the crash after that is harder. Much harder.

That said, there's no rules when it comes to MLC. Once you are detached from the outcome and see the bigger picture, it's easier to see that you can't change or "fix" them. To see that it's not about you.
Quote:
assumes its me and nothing she needs to address
That's fairly accurate smile

It's like watching a kid learn to ride a bike. You know how to do it. You know what to do. They don't. They need to learn it themselves. In their own time. Even if you can see the end result, you can't hurry that up. Skinned knees and all smile

AJ


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Hi mleigh,
I just want to say that most of us here want our M's to work. More than anything we've ever wanted in our lives. For so long I believed that my M could be saved if I did enough, changed things, changed myself enough. What I have learned is unless and until our S's want the M to work it is impossible to do alone. My W has actually said she didn't want our M to work. How crazy is that? How far gone does someone have to be to say that, even if all the problems were solved, she still doesn't want our 21 year M to work? This is how crazy these MLCers are. They don't have the ability, when it comes to their R with us at least, to think rationally. They still ask us for things that they have no right to ask for and expect us to care about them but don't give a rat's butt about all the pain and destruction they are causing not only us but so many others including their own kids. To them, they are the center of the universe.

You and I know that D isn't the answer, it hardly ever is. Yet for our MLC S's they have gotten it into their heads that running away is the ONLY answer. They are drowning and just like drowning people do, in their panic they are pulling the person who is trying to save them under with them. There comes a point where you have to let go before they take you down with them. That's not giving up, that's self preservation.

You need to stop thinking about when you were a WAS. That was the past and you can't change that. What matters now is that you are willing to try and your H for whatever reason isn't willing or able. You aren't giving up on your M, you are doing that which is the best and only way for your H to come out of his fog. By getting out of his way you are allowing him to finish his journey (or not) but unless you do get out of his way he will for sure stay stuck. It's not fair to the LBS. It is painful and extremely unfair but it is what it is. You need to think about you and getting your life in order...with or without your H. I know it's hard. It "feels" wrong to just let him go but it's the only way. He needs to find out on his own what life is really like on his own. That it isn't going to change anything he is feeling about himself or his life. There is nothing you can say or do to make this happen any faster or without the work HE must do for himself. Don't let him pull you under with him!

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Caliguy - thanks for the input. I never thought of it like that, to look at how hard it is for us to do our part, to help understand how hard it must be for them.

AJM - I get it about the pressure. I hate to be pressured and actually have accused my H of doing that so many times with other situations in our life. It has always made me want to do the exact opposite! lol. I will try to keep that in mind.

Matt - It's hard to stop thinking about when I was a WAS. I worry it was a big part of all of this. I guess this could very well have happened anyway, but...... One way it has helped to look back at that time is that it helps me to understand what he may be feeling. The need to withdraw and the need for space. It helps with my patience and compassion.

Thank you all for your support and reminders of what is really going on in the MLC world.

I'm not sure what I was thinking to give H that book to read the chapter about the results of divorce. I certainly do not want to guilt or scare my H into staying married.....That would be pretty pathetic. I guess I wasn't thinking.

Like I said, the last couple of months where the pressure was off, H and I were becoming really good friends again. I felt a genuine love and friendship for him I haven't felt in years. When he was looking for a place in November, and found one, I was totally ok and ready for it. He continued to ask me how I felt about it and I was honest in telling him, I am fine, you do what you think best. And he decided not to go. I was in such a good place... but I think I got too comfortable. I looked at that and our growing relationship as a sign that things were getting better, that we had a chance and things were changing. I wonder if he sensed that....

Then right after Christmas, I got the sense he fudged the truth and was right, we had the phone incident and he got physically aggressive with me for the first time ever, and we started spinning again. The "moving out" comes back up, D comes back up and off we go again.

I am left wondering..... how did we get here?.... things were going so well.... inside of me the scared abandoned girl is saying "please read this chapter on divorce and don't leave me! I yell, I push and threaten, but I don't mean it!" These are my issues that I am working on....

I don't know if the moving out thing is to make me back off or for real. We will see. For whatever reason, I don't feel as "ok" with it right now. I don't know if it's the after effect of things going well or my hormones! But I am not reacting on it. When H brings up that he found a place to look at, I just go with it. I will not bring it up or talk about it unless he comes to me again.

One thing I know for sure is that I want to get back in that zone I was in a couple of months ago. I now know what I need to do to get there and am already on my way.... I walk at lunch.... do my yoga... take my Vitamin B on a daily basis....read a good mushy romance novel... watch funny moves and plan fun stuff with my son.

I know I can do this. Just the difference between where I was at a year ago from now, it just amazes me. Even during the tough times, I can now still function. I can eat, sleep and focus. A huge difference for me. I am getting stronger and stronger and I really have gotten to a place where my sitch doesn't consume me, it doesn't control my day or my attitude. It doesn't define my happiness. I still stumble and even sometimes I fall, but I get right back up again. I learn from mistakes and I think all of that is key. I think I still tend to "understand" too much of this, but we are human, right!?


Me 48 H 46 S 11
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mleigh .. yeah its amazing when one looks back and realizes how far we have to come ... but yet how far there still is for us to go, and going into a place that is so strange from what we knew or would imagine has some fear associated with it .. atleast for me.
I can relate to that spot where you felt things get better, only for a blow up ... I had the same thing happen just prior to Christmas ... like you .. its propelled me to detach harder and let the MLC'r go ... they need to work the stuff out ... as do we ... seems from what I am realizing in myself I have to figure out how to blend the new me with the old, just as my MLCr will some day have to do the same.
I've read recently on the MLC crisis that they are not even close to be doing the work until 2 years after BD, that hit home for me ... not that I want a time line but I was not aware how very long this thing can go .... I assume in my case it started about 2 years prior to BD, but I also realize things I have done have not helped her come out of the tunnels ... so I may have been prolonging her progress ... we all may be guilty of this, in our defense .. if we didn't make mistakes it would prove we do not love them as we claim I think.
You are doing so well, I can see you getting stronger and more sure of the system and allowing him to go about his journey.


M: 48
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M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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At the end of my post - I meant to say I try too hard to "understand" all of this! I am nowhere near understanding anything!! lol

Caliguy - thank you so much for your input. Talking with others who get it and see it help so much to put things in to a different perspective. I am not very good at thinking outside of the box so it helps so much! I don't think my husband is anywhere near looking at himself and we are at 1 1/2 years since BD. I hope the 2 year theory is right! And I too think I have gotten in the way many times, but I am learning smile


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mleigh,
You might want to go back and re-read the thread on distance/pursuit. Now that you understand a bit more about pressure and the distance/pursuit game, you may pick up some tidbits that you glanced over the first time when you read it.

It truly takes a while to figure out how not to play the distance/pursuit game w/them.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I read the distance/pursuit thread last night and yes, it explains our R pretty darn close. Not all things, but enough to see it fits us well. I will continue to look up more information on that.

Getting back into the high PMA mode I so crave! Went for a nice walk yesterday on my lunchbreak. Gotta love California.... 73 in January smile Then stopped by home to cuddle my creatures (dog and kitty) They always make me feel better. When I got home from work, listened to Let it Go from Frozen real quick (yes, I am a dork, love Disney and for some reason that song inspires me!) Read a little, made dinner for us all, piddled around the house and kept to myself and S.

At dinnertime, ever since we had S I made it a point to all eat together at the dinner table, not in front of the tv. When I moved out and then moved back, we started eating in front of the tv because of the initial awkwardness, and it has continued until now. Last week, I started serving dinner back at the dinner table again. I'm not going to let H's issues create bad habits for us. He can join us or not, and so far he has and seems to enjoy it. In fact, S seems to also.

I don't know if I have mentioned this, but I see H making an effort to connect better with S. It's been happening the last few months and I already am seeing a better R between them. Usually H will sit on the couch to do his work orders for the day, but last night he sat at the table next to S to do them. That was a first.

My PMA is high again and I feel much better focused. Yes, my M is crappy right now... but my M and H do not define me, my life or my happiness. It's a part of it, but does not and will not control it. I have so much to be happy about, so much love in my life, and I am feeling it well.


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Ok Help! I have been reading up on the distancer/pursuer thing and I really see our R living this dynamic for a long time so I am extra aware now.

H just approached me, said he looked at a place for the 2nd time and took some pics of it tonight. Said I can see them if I want, being that S would stay there sometimes and as his mom I probably want to make sure it's ok, but that he isn't asking for my approval or anything (?) He said it's not the perfect place, but that he likes it because it is month to month instead of a lease.

I just kind of shook my head and said that's ok, it will be hard on S no matter what the place looks like ( may not have been nice to say, I know)

So he said, well, ok, you can look if you want, or not, or we can talk about it, but I thought you were all for this.

I just stayed quiet. I know he is going to corner me again!! This [censored] for S, but good for me. What do I say!!??


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Gotta love love how they say "I thought you were all for this?" like you now somehow agree that what they are doing is perfectly right, no matter how it affects everyone, especially the kids. You can talk about all the negatives but say you agree with one small benefit and they will blow that up to you saying the benefits out weigh the negatives. Typical MLC (and teenager) behavior. The wanting you to look at the pictures and then say he isn't seeking your "approval" is also typical. What would he do if you looked at the pic's and said there was no way you would want your child living there? If he isn't seeking your approval, why bother even taking the pictures or showing them to you?

None of it makes sense unless he is doing exactly what he says he isn't...seeking your approval. This is just part of the crazy thinking process they are going through. It's cruel in a way, the way they push it in your face almost defiantly. Just try and let it go. I think you did the right thing just saying you had no interest in seeing the pictures since your opinion doesn't matter to him anyway. What exactly does he want to talk about? I say just don't let him engage you on the subject. He made it known that he isn't interested in your opinion or approval so there isn't anything to "talk" about. Just my opinion.

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mleigh,
He's not only seeking your approval, but he wants to let you know what type of living arrangements he would have if he rented the place. He wants you to see the photos so that you can rest easy because your son would be visiting there.

BTW, I do understand why you wouldn't want to see the photos. Deep down, I think you may want him to stay and try to work on the relationship w/you. Unfortunately, the discussions about him moving out have taken hold in his mind and he's chosen the "easiest" avenue for his life right now. He's looking for a place and he wants your blessing. They've lost their empathy chip and quite frankly don't see how this type of sharing of photos about a proposed rental property hurts to the core because if he does go, he's breaking up a home, relationship w/you and w/your son. They look at this as an adventure and a place to call their own and they can come and go and not be quizzed about things. The idea of moving out is looking more and more pleasant to him, especially after the last discussion you have about the phone.

The comment he made about that he thought you were all for this is actually addressing the conversations that you had in the past about him moving out. In his mind, he heard you say to find a place and move out. I can understand his comment because it's been discussed a bit.

I'm very sorry that he's still talking of moving...but, I wouldn't say another word. I would sit back and just listen. If he finds a place, wish him well. He really does need the space and time to find himself.


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Job is right - they seem to choose the "easiest" path but in reality they are choosing the most difficult. The inclination to run away is so great that they burn bridges and create oceans of distance from the people who are the most loving and loyal. Wherever he goes there he will be.

My H ran so far but it is easier in many ways. Change is scary but you can do this and once H sees how you are handling this change he will hopefully, eventually see the truth. Wherever he goes his issues will be.

Hang in there. Hugs.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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Thanks guys, I am on the same page as all of you.

And Job - you got all of it spot on. And I mean all of it. My gut tells me that he needs to do this, and maybe I need this too otherwise it wouldn't keep coming up. Whether I like it or want it, is irrelevant. I don't want any of this to be happening, but it is, so I need to just go with it for now and keep living my life.

If he approaches me to see "how I feel about him moving out", which is exactly what he did last time, I am going to give him the same speech. That it isn't up to me, he needs to make this decision, whatever feels right and best for him. Our home is still his home and the door is open. (for now anyway :))

It isn't the end of the world for me, it's my son I worry about. He had a tough time during our last separation, getting stomach aches all the time and not wanting to go to stay at daddy's. It was not good, but I am hoping, since his main home base will be our real home, that maybe this time it will be easier for him. Also, his dad and I are way better friends right now than last time, so hopefully that will make a difference.

On to me! Tomorrow night my son and I are going to a Sharks hockey game. Go Sharks! H was supposed to take him, but he is sick, so I will!

Next weekend, I got all 3 of us (H said he wanted to go) tickets to see the Harlem Globetrotters. Fun fun! And I am really happy we are going as a family.

I also booked the Legoland hotel trip for Presidents week. In spite of everything, I am feeling good and feeling positive. GAL GAL GAL


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Fun! Fun! Fun!

H is participating in your life albeit sporadically and that is a positive. Hopefully your son will have an easier time this go around if H get's his own place. S living in the family home and having you and H more friendly will go a long way.

Enjoy your weekend. Can't wait to hear about Legoland. Having girls I missed out on legoland. frown


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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LEGOLAND is awesome! I was actually jealous that I was too big for it when I took the kids (years ago). smile

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
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Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Too big for Legoland!!?? Never!! I am like a kid again when we go. We have so much fun, the hotel is especially cool. I can't wait!


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Happy Sunday. Gotta love sleeping in until 9:30! Had a good Saturday yesterday. Met up with friends for lunch and had a good time. Afterwards it was just me and one of my closest girlfriends talking. She knows it all, about H and I and has seen and held me at my worst. She asked how I am and how things are. I told her:

You know, I am really good. Work is great, S is doing great.... My marriage is crappy right now, but it doesn't define me or control my happiness. I just want to live my life, enjoy my S who is growing up so fast, and be happy. And that is exactly what I am doing.

So she said, I just don't want you to put your life on hold for him.

I told her, Oh no, I'm not. Like I said, I am living my life the way I would with or without him. I am in no way ready for any kind of relationship, but not because I am waiting on him. Just because I got my own chit to work out. I am becoming a different person.

She said.... You DO look great! smile. And we gave big hugs....

And you know guys, all of that is real. It's really how I feel. In spite of all this marriage and H crap, I am happy and feel great. Life is good. A year ago I was a completely different person. I am looking forward to my continued growth this year!

Later last night, S and I went to the hockey game. Had a good time.

No further mention from H about house he found, but I feel it coming.....

H has been sick with the flu the past few days. Normally I would be fawning over him, but I just can't bring myself to. Is that mean? I pulled out some different medicines and put them on the counter for him, but that's it. No offer to get him or make him anything. Mainly because I have been busy doing my own thing. Helping him just honestly hasn't crossed my mind much, but when it does, I feel kind of guilty for not being there for him. .....


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I'm glad to read that you had a good Saturday and met up w/a girlfriend. You have to have someone to talk to who is close and will truly listen. She's right about not putting your life on hold...gotta keep moving and you are doing that.

Sounds like you and your son have been busy doing fun things and enjoyed the hockey game. I like to see people getting out there and doing things w/their children.

As for your h, poor baby, he'll get over the flu in time. You did the right thing by putting stuff out on the counter for him. If he wants something to eat, he knows where to look, but I bet he's not feeling up to eating much right now any way. He's got to start learning how to take care of himself because if he moves, you won't be there to mother him.

You've done well this weekend. Keep up the good work.


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Thanks Job. I am feeling grounded again, high PMA.

So, last night H went out to return some things at the store. Before he left he made a point of saying where he was going, and in what town. Sigh. I hate that he thinks that is what my issue was in our last disagreement, but whatever. I didn't say anything, at least not with my mouth. No! Not my finger either smile I'm sure my eyes said it all.

So while he was out S and I ran to the grocery store. While out, H must have gotten back home and TM me asking if we were out to eat dinner. I told him no, although that was the plan. So H asked if he should make hamburgers. I told him we had planned on eating out. Here is where I struggled. I did not feel like inviting him. I had no desire to sit in a restaurant with him over dinner, I really wanted it to be just S and I so we could enjoy ourselves. Meanwhile, H replied back ok, he would just make something for himself. So I compromised and asked if he wanted us to bring him something home from the restaurant. He said yes and gave me his order.

So S and I had a great time. We must have played about 20 games of hangman while eating. However, the waitress was a little odd, kept saying strange things to me. Anyway, at the end of dinner, she comes over and says "I don't mean to insinuate anything, I'm not saying you are going through a divorce, but you remind me of when my parents were going through a divorce and my mom would take us out and take us on vacations and stuff." I just shook my head, said no and most likely had a look on my face like WTF? Why oh why would she say something like that in front of my son? And what if I was and we were trying to have a nice night out to not think about it!!?? Do I have future divorcee written on my head? So innappropriate, really annoyed me. I hope son didn't think anything of it.

Sure enough, S has a stomachache this morning and is home with H. I hope it's just a coincidence......


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I'm very sorry that the waitress said what she did in front of your son. It was so inappropriate. For one thing, she didn't know your situation and for all she knew, you and your son were out having dinner because your h was working late, etc.

Your son needs reassurance right now and he most probably needed to be w/his father today. It will be interesting if he tells his father about the comments.


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H seems to be way back in the tunnel again. Last week and so far this week, he comes home from work, says hello, and goes straight into the garage to work on his jeep. I always let him know when dinner is ready with the open option to join us and so far he has each time, then back in to the garage. Most nights he has been in there until after S and I go to bed.

I get the feeling he is thinking, thinking, thinking. I can almost see the smoke coming off his head. And ya....I don't want to get in the way of that... In fact I think it is great if he is. I wonder if he is trying to decide whether or not to take the house he found? He hasn't approached me any further about it yet. But I still plan on standing my ground, that this is his decision to make, not mine. So, I keep on keepin' on and stay out of his way. S and I have a great time watching Teen Titans and Spongebob before bed, those shows are actually really funny!

Anyhoo, my left hand has been feeling so plain since I stopped wearing my wedding ring last year. It has been bugging me, but no way am I putting back on my wedding ring. Can you imagine? I wonder what H would think of that? Lol No, not going there! But I remembered that I have a bunch of rings I have collected and kept over my younger years. I pulled them out and found a beautiful antique ring I had been given by a very sweet coworker years ago. She used to go to estate sales and buy beautiful jewelry. I put it on (my middle finger, not my ring finger) and just can't stop looking at it. My hand looks happy again!


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M4

Sounds like you on doing good with your stitch. Great ideal to let your H THINK or have that space physcially and mentally.

The ring, I took mine off in Oct and I often want to put it back on, but I dont think I will until...well if my H puts his back on, I will also.

Good idea about wearing other rings, I tried that and it did not really work made me think about my wedding ring even more.

I thought about wearing mine again, just NOT around my H (is that childish).


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
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2BHappy - Ya I miss wearing my wedding ring a lot, I love my ring. And I, too, have thought about wearing it outside of home but haven't. I have this idea, this romantic moment in my mind when H and I will reconcile and put our rings back on during this loving moment.....then I wake up smile


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Well.....I finally got cornered...but I knew it was coming...

Actually, while S was in the bath, H told me he wanted to talk to me later that evening. I said ok. I just went about my night, not really concerned or even really wanting to hear what he had to say to be honest. So about 9:30 I went into my room to wash my face and here he comes......

H said a little annoyed that he had said he wanted to talk to me.....I said ok....H went on to say that he had mentioned he found a place to move and wanted to let me know. He kept stopping, almost expecting me to say something, but I honestly had nothing to say. The only thing going through my mind was.....whatever.....just leave me alone......

H said the guy is pushing him, but that he hasn't signed anything yet (?) He said he told the guy he wouldn't be moving in until the beginning of next month. Again, I said ok.....then silence.....H said he intends to use this time as we had talked about. So I asked, how is that? He said he would go to a counseler and asked if I had any books I want him to read (!!??) I just looked at him, so he seemed to get a little flustered and said "Do you even want to....." then he stopped because I had started to say something. (I wonder what he was going to ask?) So he said, what? I want to know what you were going to say. So I said, I was just going to say that asking you to go see a counseler is like asking an alcoholic to go to rehab. It only works if you really want it, so please just do what you want about that.

He was quiet for a minute and said ok, he just wanted to let me know that he had talked to S a little about it the night before while they had gone out to eat (while I was getting my haircut) He said S had asked him if it would be like before, where he spent a couple nights a week with him, and H said he told him yes. I said ok. Then H said we should talk about what he is taking, the money and the schedule for S. I just said ok, take whatever you need. Then he shrugged his shoulders and walked away.

The last time he had found a place and we had this conversation, it was more loving, I had felt more compassionate and loving towards him, this time was different for me.....I feel standoffish.

I wonder if it is because...I look at him....and I don't see my husband. This guy is a stranger to me.


Ok.... so other than the counselor comment, I did a great job of STFU. But honestly guys, I had nothing to say. I didn't and still don't feel anything about it. I feel nothing. No anger, no fear, not even sadness. The truth is his actions don't effect my day to day life anymore. I still sleep, eat, go to work, take care of S, all the same whether he is around or not. He adds nothing to this, so what does it matter whether he is there or not? I am happy, I am enjoying my life and this situation does not define me, my life or my day ANYMORE! Am I in my own tunnel?


Me 48 H 46 S 11
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H moved out 2/15
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No, you aren't in your own tunnel. What you've become is detached and it appears that whatever he says now doesn't affect you the way it use to. He's frustrated because you aren't crying or begging him to stay and you also aren't telling him what to do. Your little bird has got to figure out what he wants, i.e., stay or go.

You are absolutely correct about therapy. It's only as good as the patient is willing to work on himself/herself.

I think you handled the situation very well. Time will tell if he stays or goes.


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Meligh

Great job with a hard conversation!!!

Stay focused on you and your son!


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
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Today was our trip to see the Harlem Globetrotters show. A few hours before we left, H let me know that he was going to go sign papers today for the rental house. I said ok. He said if I wanted to, we could swing by on our way home from the show to see it if I wanted to, but added he understood if I didn't want to. I just kind of shrugged.....

So we went to the game. How fun that was! S and I loved it. H said it was just ok. S was the most excited and into the game, laughing and clapping. I had a great time.

While there, I thought about seeing the house. Not for me, I trust H enough to pick a comfortable place foe S. But I thought maybe if we all went together to see it, it would show S that we are on a united front about this, that I am ok with this and hopefully will make this a little smoother for him. So I let H know, sure, let's all go together for S. H said to let him go sign the papers and get the keys, that way we can go inside. He said the guy was giving him the keys now, but that H wouldn't be moving in until February. I said sure.

So H is there now. Not one ounce of me has an urge to stop him, I feel really good about this. The fact is it's been 18 months since BD and H still doesn't know who he is or what he wants. I consider this movement. Not to mention I am pretty tired of living with a stranger......

Whew! So here we go, on to the next episode. I feel so calm, so focused.... A real inner peace. I just wonder....what will it be like for him....to leave our home...a home filled with love, comfort, safety..... To go sit in some strange house alone. Will he miss home? Will he miss the 3 of us together with our crazy animals..... Or actually my question is.... WILL I?


Me 48 H 46 S 11
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ok struggling with something. That was quick, huh? I made the big mistake of calling my mom and got yelled at for waking her up and she is just to tired of all of this. Such a loving woman that raised me...

Anyway, H just called to say he has the keys and was heading over to the house if we wanted to meet him there. I had talked to S, he doesn't care to go see it tonight and I really don't, so I let H know but asked what he thought. I asked, should I just tell S we are going? H seemed a little annoyed about it and said of course S doesn't want to leave the house to do anything but that was fine, we could go another time or he could just take S alone.

So here is my struggle, I honestly don't care about running out to see the house H is moving to. I mean, should I? I will go with S so he knows it is ok with me, but I just don't feel like running over there as soon as H gets the keys. Am I supposed to be excited?? We have plenty of time to go. Let him go over there by himself right now and take it in, alone.

So I want your opinion. H really seems to want my approval on this thing. I am not angry at him, but I certainly am not excited either. Do you guys think I am handling this ok?


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If it was me and son did not want to go and I really don't care I would not go today or anytime soon.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
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Accepting a situation is very different from doing a happy dance. You can be gracious without running over to check things out. You trust H as a father. Your approval is not required. Unless you desire to see this place I'd focus on myself if I were in your shoes.

Last edited by 123Gwen; 01/18/15 04:02 AM.

M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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I wouldn't run over there to see the place. There will come a time when you may have to drop off or pick up your son from there and that would be the time to see it. Your h is seeking approval, i.e., like a teenager would from his mother.

This was his decision to make, therefore he has to face the consequences of his actions. He signed a lease and once he's moved, it becomes a separation of things. Trust me, there will be many times that he'll think about his home and what he had, i.e., just like you did when you moved out. This time around, the shoe is on the other foot and he will definitely miss all the comforts of home and daily interactions w/his family. Eventually your man child will grow up and figure things out.

Carry on as you have been.


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Thanks guys. I will go to see his new digs either if S wants me to go, or when I am comfortable. In the meantime, focus stays on me and S.

H went to hockey game last night so S and I hung out, played board games and had pizza. I was able to shake off my mom's verbal abuse and H's signing papers on a place. I was able to enjoy my night. I think I am getting the hang of this! Usually this would consume me, but I am not giving them that power.

This morning H ran off to his dad's to borrow his trailer, to move stuff I assume. Good ol' FIL. Always there to the rescue. I wonder if he will help H move out like he did me? I love him, but some things he should stay out of. IDK, just the way I feel.

So S is stuck running some errands with me today. I plan on doing some reading, some yoga, maybe a nap. Whatever I need to do to keep myself occupied.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
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One additional thing I am anticipating and not looking forward to is that I get the feeling this move will be dragged out.

For me, I made a decision, found a place in 1 day of looking, put a deposit down that day, and moved out 5 days later in 1 day. I believe in ripping the band aid off and getting it over with.

I know H. He is going to move a little here, move a little there. This will be dragged out and mulled over. I just know it. It's going to take a lot of patience on my part, but I guess I can just go into the mindset to expect it and prepare for it.

Just go with it....don't push it and don't get in the way. I need to let H do this.....his way....

So I assume I should just go on like normal and keep living my life, act as if? Keep home a safe, comfortable and warm environment? Just stay out of the way as he moves stuff out?

This is new territory for me....any advise will help smile


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Yep, you just go on w/your life and keep living it just as you always have. Your son may need some extra TLC and you may have to sit him down and chat about what's going on, but but it might be better if both you and your h tell your son together and reassure him that both of you will be there for him.

As far as him dragging it out...he might. I would let him pack up his stuff and move it. Just make sure you take a photo of every room and the contents before he starts. You don't want to end up w/valuables disappearing or something that you use go missing.

It's going to be okay. The tension in the home will be far less w/him living on his own and you won't be focusing on what he's doing, where he's going, etc. Your focus will then be on you, your son, the pets and your home.

Hang in there. You will need to dig deeper for patience if he drags out the move.


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Last night H mentioned that he needs a microwave for his new place. We talked about him taking ours and updating what we have with new microwave and stove. He said this is the time to do it! Whatever that means. He brought up that he planned on taking today off and would take us to see the house if I want. He is just relentless about this! So I told him that I was taking in my truck to mechanic for oil change and inspection, to get the all clear for our socal trip next month. I said S and I were going to hang out and wait, but if he wanted, he could pick us up and take us, since we were going to be close to this house.

So H came and got us while we were waiting for my truck. Was weird, he walked in and said he was there to pick up his wife. Who me?? Is that who I am? I had forgotten. Lol.

Anyway, off we go. It is a small farm house. It has land, a barn, a workshop, plenty of room for him to tinker. It fits H to a tee, just what he has always wanted. And my heart dropped. We went inside, it's old, but again fits him. He walked us around and told us about all his plans. He is going to refinish the cabinets, patch up the walls, make a horseshoe pit, make a track for a go cart, install an air conditioner....blah blah blah. He was practically skipping, and full of excitement. And the walls felt like they were closing around me. I had been quiet, but then all of sudden blurted out "so you are planning long term here??" H looked at me and it was like he caught himself. He said he took the place because it is month to month, no lease, because he didn't know if he was going to like this or not. He said all the projects are to keep him busy, and to keep his mind busy.

So I pulled myself together and went with it all, for my son's sake, but I just kept thinking, you are tearing your family apart for THIS? I don't know why that surprises me. I mean, my H connects with things, not people. He has always been that way.

So we finished up the grand tour, I thought I did well. I only said that as his wife, I hated it all, but as his friend, the place is perfect for him. I tried to make light of it all, he just gave me a half smile.

He dropped S and I back off to get my truck and said he was going to grab some things and go back over there to do some little things.

So you know how God works in mysterious ways? I get back to the mechanic, maybe I looked shell shocked or something. IDK. But he asks me how long I've been married. I told him 10 years. He said that is good, marriage is really good. I just busted up laughing, couldn't help it, and he laughed and said it can be hard. He made a roller coaster motion with his hands. So I said yes, it is hard, and I made the motion of the roller coaster going down. So here is where God comes in. He said to me not to worry, all marriages have there ups and downs, it's normal. He said just hang in there. I held back tears, got my keys and S and I came home.


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mleigh

Yeah ... its amazing how insensitive they are, Thats one of my peeves about this MLC beast, its like .. ok we are here taking punch after punch and they have no idea what they are saying and doing, you can not do much about it but hope at some point they stop dishing it out.
Maybe its good for him to be out in the boonies, his thoughts will not have far to get to him and he can begin his work. Even doing projects, his mind will hopefully begin the journey it needs, embrace this and take it for what it is .... movement

You've got this!!


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I hope you are right Cali. I really hope you are right.

Feeling much better. Just finished booking annual Disneyland trip. S and I are super excited!

H just TM thanking me for going today. He said I probably did not want to go, but was glad I went with S. I answered saying yes, I am also glad we all went together. I added that I don't u.understand the why's of a lot of things happening, but that I do understand that he needs to do this. I said I want you to be happy.

The thing is, I am not just saying that. I mean it, and it feels good. It felt right when I moved out. I get it. While he is out, that is the important part. We shall see what happens

In the meantime, I am ok. I can keep living.


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Breathe,
They get so excited about their new living space and talk about what they are going to do, etc. Bottom line, they do some of the stuff, but after about 6 months, the new has worn off and it becomes a money pit and they get bored w/it. Some will take places such as what you h has and work thru their MLC by working the land and remodeling, etc. If this is what he is going to be doing, then it will be a good fit...but I still give him 6 months and let's see just how much fun he's going to have fixing this place up. This may have been a life long dream of his that he needs to fulfill before crashing back to reality.

Hang in there. Listen to what he says and take it w/a grain of salt.


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Thank you Job. I always look forward to your postings and really appreciate it.

I have a mini tornado going on in my head with a huge mix of emotions. I will try to post later to elaborate. Need to get S to school and me to work.

Thanks again for all of your support.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
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So I guess it is all settling in my brain and I am feeling a little off balance. I had it all down so well, a MLC routine on how to live together at home and cope with this, and just when I feel like "I can do this!", another change to adjust to.

I knew this was coming and in all honesty, I had hoped for it many times. I guess it is the not knowing how this will play out and how H moving out will effect everything, it is bringing on some very mixed emotions for me.

One second I feel love and compassion for H. I do want him to be happy and I hope this will help him to work out his issues. The least I can do is give him his time and space, right? The next minute I feel like, who the h*** do you think you are treating me and S like this over and over again? It's been 18 months, get it together already!

The real world is fighting with the MLC world inside of me.

I have many hopes and many fears. I feel anger, frustration and lots of confusion. I want him to be happy, but not so much without me. I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say that I hope this new place isn't all he hopes it to be. Because if he ends up being super happy, away from home and family, then why would he want to work on our marriage? He won't. I am really trying not to waste my energy on all the what if's.

But then I catch myself. Do I really even want this man or marriage anymore? An attractive man to me is a man who loves and enjoys his family. My H is not this man. Could he be? Not so sure, time will tell.

My MIL is apparantly happy for her son, told him he should get a goat! Unbelievable. No wonder she is in her 3rd unhappy marriage. I am doing my best not to hate this woman.

I can continue to breath.....I am spinning a little but I know I will get myself on track again.....I will try not to take his excitement personal because there is no doubt, he has issues.....I will do my best to be the lighthouse....I will take day by day and keep the focus on S and me....I will continue my self work because I really am liking myself more and more. You know, I know everything I must do and will do so, for myself and my own sanity. If it wasn't for my son, I don't know if I could be this strong.


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It's understandable that your emotions are waffling back and forth. In a sense, you probably hoping he wouldn't go through w/finding a place. It's good for him to find a place and spend some time alone and not have the real comforts of the home he's leaving. Sure, it's going to be an adventure for him, i.e., just like the little boy who went to the big city to work and live in a cramped apartment. The novelty of the newness will wear off and w/spring not too far off, he's going to have a lot of work to do. Goats? I can't believe his mother would suggest that when it's a month to month rental. True, goats can pretty much take care of themselves, but you still have provide some feed and water and make sure they are okay. Allow this man to live out his dreams. For when he wakes up, he's going to discover that you and your son will have moved forward w/your lives, i.e., that you've changed and life didn't stand still while he was dreaming.

Things will be different, but the stress and the wondering about where he's gone, what he's doing and who he's talking to on the phone will be gone. You will be able to focus on you and your child w/o your h being in the shadows of your mind.

No one knows what the future holds, but you've got to live in the present and allow the future to reveal itself when it's ready.

Wish your h well and pray for him.


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Like everyone has said.
You can handle this. Focus on you and your son work on you.
Use this time to also figure out what you need and want without dealing with ur H's MLC


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
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Like everyone has said.
You can handle this. Focus on you and your son work on you.
Use this time to also figure out what you need and want without dealing with ur H's MLC


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
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M 2007 T 1996
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Job - again thank you. I remember feeling a huge rush of excitement and relief when I moved into my apartment, although it was right after BD and things were very tense. But the newness and excitement wore off in about 3 months. I suspect for H it will be longer, if at all, and will expect no less. Ya, can you believe a goat? His mother is not the brightest woman in the world. She is sickingly fake with me - one of those people that smile as they stab you in the back. It's actually kind of sad, we once had a good relationship. Things started going downhill once my son was born and she started "suggesting" parenting ideas to me with emails and through my H, which really fueled his fire with me. I am not saying she is to blame, but she does not help our situation at all.

Job - I get the feeling you are a big animal lover. My kitten took over one of my son's old toys, which is a fabric bug cave filled with cloth bugs. It has a little zipper opening in the front with 2 little windows on each side and once she realized these cloth bugs were inside she went crazy. Well, the other night she actually squeezed herself inside of it and stuck her head out the opening while my son carries her around. It was so funny and we were laughing so hard that my son had to keep putting her down to grab his stomach. She has been such a huge comfort to us and just fills the house with fun and love.

2BHappy - thank you for your support and belief in me. I'm sure you understand a lot of my confusion and mixed feelings, being that you live with your MLC'r. I am doing my best to embrace this, like Caliguy said. Once he is out, I have a feeling I will be pretty happy about it. It's the moving out part that I dread the most.


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H just TM that he is shopping, then going by his house, asked if I need anything. He has been shopping Saturday, Sunday, Monday and again tonight for stuff for this house. Yet when we went yesterday it was empty. What is he buying and where is it? I just keep seeing dollar signs you guys. We have separate bank accounts so I don't see what he spends. He has no access to my accounts either. However technically this is marital money he is spending.....Shouldn't he take what he needs from here first then get whatever else he needs?? I don't want to ask what he is buying, not going there. I guess as long as he piddles his own money away and not mine, I shouldn't care? But what happens if we D, and I have more money in my accounts, because I am a big saver, do I have to split that with him? I wonder if a legal separation legally keeps our money separate? I may need to look into that because he is already like a kid in a candy store with his house and all of his upcoming projects.

I don't feel like answering his TM. I want to be left alone right now. Is that bad?

Oh and never mind that he has barely seen his son and takes no parental responsibility for him all weekend, just disappears for hours knowing I will take care of him while he plays at his new house. What a crock of you know what.

Last edited by mleigh4; 01/21/15 01:37 AM.

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I would find out about legal separation. In my state (I just found out), H cannot touch my money and I’m not responsible for his debt since the day we decided to separate, which I consider the day of BD.

It looks like he is excited about that house and could be spending without control. You need to make sure he cannot spend your money, not now, not in the future when he finds himself in a deep hole. He probably thinks that he found the way to happiness. I agree with others here, it might not even last for 6 months. He is like a teenager who is ready to move to his own place.

I’m glad your kitten is such a goof and joy. I’m not a cat person, but I can picture her playing with that toy smile


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Please, please, please consult with a few lawyers!!!!!

I'm grateful I did early in my sitch, I knew exactly what my rights were and options/variables. It took that huge weight of the unknown off my shoulders, and mind.

Many will do an initial consult for free.

Knowledge is power.


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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Bright future - he is exactly like a teenager getting his first place. And you should see it. Bright yellow linoleum floors, worn out cabinets, stained carpet, stained tub and shower....I was a little taken back when I saw it. H makes very good money, but I think it is all about the land for him.

T2 - thank you. We get free legal advise through my work so I will call tomorrow.

The shopping got me a little worked up, I think it is all getting to me. I let H know I am a little concerned about his money spending. I know, I probably sounded like a mom but I feel I have a right to say something about this! He assured me he is only buying cleaning supplies, a welcome mat, small stuff like that. He then said he would like to go over what he takes from the house or not. I said I want this to effect me as small as possible, that he can figure it out. I asked what day he was moving out. He said he can take stuff to the house but can't physically move in until Feb 1. He said he planned on taking stuff over a little at a time instead of making 1 big move, that that would be easier. I said easier for who? He talked about changing the cable to my name so he can get his there, but I need to call them to get mine set up.

I am too annoyed and sensitive right now to talk about this stuff with him. So I stopped talking.

If only he would spend the time, energy and money to get help and work on himself. I suppose he needs to do this his way, but I get so tired of being so patient and understanding sometimes! I think I need a few more days to get myself grounded again before going over the details with him.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Please see more than one L, I was amazed at the differing advice, style and knowledge between the lawyers I consulted with. I'm grateful I found one that "got" what I was trying to do, not go adversarial, and she also told me several critical things that the others did not.

Very critical things.....


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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Yes get legal advice. It is to protect you and your son. I loved my engagement ring so I wear it on my right hand. You can always get your rings reset too.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
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It's time now to see a lawyer and get something in place, i.e., legal separation, etc. If you have joint accounts, take out half of the money and put it in new accounts in your name only. He's now moved into the spending spree mode and he'll continue to spend until it runs out just to fix up a rental.

It's time to protect yourself. Run a credit report and you can get a free one from Credit Karma any time you want. See how you are doing and also to monitor any joint accounts that you have w/him. Time to put your business hat on.

Yes, I am a true blue animal lover. I love all animals and it's a good thing I don't work in a pet store or at the zoo...I would want to bring them all home. LOL!

BTW, you may want to start taking some photos around your home in case things go missing. Generally they take things that aren't that obvious to you until you go looking for the item to use it. I'm not joking about this....they do it all of the time.

Hang in there.


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Thanks Everyone. I am taking pics of all the rooms. H almost seems scared to take anything, he is consulting with me on every little thing. H said this morning that I caught him off guard last night, but that he also was using gift cards at Khols and Marshall's. He assured me again he is not blowing away money.

Last night I couldn't sleep. I was trying to figure out why I feel so agitated. It's not the move, I am ok with the move and looking forward to my own time and space to think. Then it came to me that it is everything. I get so tired and frustrated with all his energy, time and money being used to run. Instead of facing his issues. The impact of this on all of our lives overwhelms me.

I told H such this morning and added that I am doing my best to deal. He was silent, but I didn't expect a response.

I won't say any more, will focus on getting bills here at the house transferred into my name and prepare to split items up. They are just things, so I am not too worried.

I vaguely remember a lawyer telling me at a previous consult that as soon as he moved into the spare room we were considered separated. I will look into financial protection for myself.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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mleigh

I can completely relate to your emotions. I get frustrated when I do not see my MLC'r use the time/energy on doing the work that I have been trying so hard to do. I've been doing alot of reading and thinking ... and I realized that early on I did not handle things the best, I made many DB/MLC mistakes and for some time I beat myself up over that, over not seeing what was going on , but then I realized there was no way I would know, no way I could prevent it. And that brought me to this point .... there is nothing I can do to help W through her tunnel either, she must take that journey and it was impossible for her to start with me in the way. I think you are at that crossroad too. You have to detrach and let him go, he needs to be with his thoughts and figure it out, find his own way out of the tunnel .... you have done a much better job than me at paving the way home .... but he does need to venture out to the woods and find himself.

As far as the finances ... yeah. Protect yourself. My W nest egged about 6k, took all the household belongings ... at the time I shrugged thinking it was a temporary thing ... had no idea MLC was anything more than a 40 year old guy buying a sports car.

You are handling this with grace and dignity, you are being the lighthouse. Hang in there ... keep your side of the street clean, take care of you and yours, that's all we can do at this point .... feels like they are going out to sea on an old ship .. we just have to send them off and pray they can navigate back.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Thanks for the support Caliguy.

You had a posting recently from URWorthy that went over letting go, it was amazing. I printed it and read it over and over. The good thing is, it all makes sense to me and does not seem impossible to do anymore. I will stay out of his way while he is on his path, and do my best not to bite when he comes on to my path and steps on my toe!


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Breathe.....breathe....breathe....

My emotions are running amuck and it's frustrating me.

On Wednesdays, my MIL picks up my S from school for grammy day. Sometimes they go to my house to hang out, and sometimes hers which is about 20 minutes away. When they go to hers, H picks up S because he passes by there on way home. Yesterday, they went to her house, so I TM H that they are there, please pick him up. H replied that he was meeting up with the owner at the house to help him move some stuff out of the barn, but that he could get S and go back if needed. Of course my logical thinking is, why wouldn't he check with me to see if I can pick up S, or have his mom go to my house? When I need to go pick him up, it takes an hour out of my night by the time I get there and get back. I then have dinner, homework, bath..... you guys know the weeknight with kids drill.

So I TM H back saying thanks. A few minutes later, he TM's me that his mom will bring him home to me. So once again, I'm the villian and mommy bails him out of his parental duties.....

MIL brings home S. I did my yoga before real quick, so I was mentally calm to deal with her. On her way out, she said she heard about the move and was so sorry. I assured her that it was ok, actually a good thing. I let her know I am continuing to live my life and enjoy it, and that I am actually very happy in spite of what is going on. I told her I love her son and hope he can find his happiness. I was prepared for this talk and did it exactly the way I wanted, so it went well.

H got home a couple of hours later. You guys.... he just looks exhausted and is spinning more than ever. He brought up the cable I have to get, but can't set up myself because it is in his name and they won't talk to me, so I have to count on him to take care of this....which frustrates me to no end!! Anyway, things got a little heated about the cable and bailing out on his son and man, my spew is coming out. I am really trying to control this, and when I think I am good, it just comes out!

I'm not proud of how I am behaving, I need to get this under control for this next week.... We still need to talk about custody of S and our dog....much more important things than cable.

S H just TM that he set up the cable guy to come out this saturday, for 1 tv. I had already told him several times I want 2. I asked him if he could give the cable company his authorization to talk to me so I can handle it. Haven't heard back from him. It sounds stupid, right? I just like things done right the first time, especially with this kind of stuff. We have to go the local cable office together to have the account changed in my name, that is the long term plan.

I will keep doing my yoga, walking and working on my temper. My emotions are real high right now. It amazes me to see H so concerned about only himself, making sure he is all set and not caring about what is left behind. He has been at the store 4 times this week, and we are out of Milk and cereal, his son's addiction. It hurts.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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You are going to see a lot of his selfishness in the days to come. Why? Because, in his mind, he's already separated and you and your son are now on the back burner. I would suggest that you make a list of the utilities and other bills that need to be transferred to your name and then sit down and discuss w/your h that he must make the calls and authorize that they be placed in your name. The cable one, my xh called and authorized the transfer and I called to accept the transfer. Check w/your utility companies and you might be able to do the same thing.

Breathe! Once your man child finishes up working on his fantasy land palace, things should settle down for you and your son. Right now, it's all about HIM getting his place set up. He's not thinking about anything else. Time to accept the face that his brain is gone and do not rely on him to do the usual things, i.e., picking up son, grocery runs, etc. He's gone for now.

Yes, it hurts terribly that he's acting this way, but it's going to get worse before it gets better. Buckle up and get ready for additional changes along the way. Frustrating? Yes! You can't rely on him for anything from this point on. You've got to learn to accept him for who he is today and not the reliable h you once had.

I'm sorry he's gone off into the wild blue yonder, but he's going to find that the grass isn't any greener in the goat corral.

Once he's on his own, you'll be able to establish how you want things to be w/your son and his grammy day situation, as well as the other day-to-day errands, etc.

Hang in there!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
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I guess I got used to H being a little more like himself these past few months. He was more reliable again, helping with S, and that has all gone out the window.

So I suppose I need to get myself back into survival mode. I figure I need to plan on not being able to count on him for anything, at home, with Son and even our pets. It's probably better off that S stays with me as much as possible right now anyway. H is on the super high spin cycle. The problem is I am not doing so great myself, so I need to pull myself together.

I suppose if I go back to having none of those expectations, then there will be no problem, right!?

I'm super woman and super mom, I can do this. I'll go at lunch and get what groceries we need. I got this.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Hi Job. I must have been posting at the same time as you were. I am on the same page as you, and I will expect nothing from him for a while.

I was worried about my kitty while S and I are away next month, but I just set up for my girlfriends daughter to house sit. Huge weight off my mind smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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I'm glad you have someone coming in to house sit. Your pets will not be lonely for human companionship, the mail will be brought in and yes, someone actually physically being in the house is so much better than not having anyone at all.

Knowing you have someone house sitting will take a huge weight off your shoulders called worry. You and your son can enjoy yourselves and know everything will be okay.


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Had a non eventful day yesterday. H ended up adding me as an authorized person on the cable, and during the process, got everything set up for them to come out tomorrow and hook up. Said he wanted me to have to do as little as possible. (no comment) I thanked him. Last night we went over who is taking what tv, couches and bbq.

Isn't it amazing that who has my son and when hasn't come up yet? I was thinking, I may wing the custody thing right now, only because I think H is spinning and will continue to spin as he is setting up his new digs and even if we sit down and plan out a schedule, I have a hard time believing he is able to commit to anything right now.

Anyway, then H went to Costco and stocked up on some stuff that we split up. It was very calm, no fighting.

I have taken a good look at myself and this sitch and this is where I am at:

We are officially separated, this is not just time to think
I don't expect H to stay loyal and faithful to me any longer, and I won't worry about it
I will have no expectations from him at all
I will expect him to say things that he does not mean and that he has no intentions of following through on
I will expect this move out to continue for at least another year, if not longer
I will continue to live my life, to the fullest, and not worry about what happens with H
I accept this is a very long process and I need to focus on myself and my son first and foremost
I will continue to be the lighthouse as best as I can

When I moved out in 2013, I was in such a different place, with hopes of our being apart making H realize he could not live without me. I was terrified he would try dating or seeing someone. I Wondered constantly what he was up to. Boy was I a silly girl. I would get so frustrated, it was all so draining. Not this time. I am so much better prepared and have no doubt that I will be just fine.

I have a work dinner function tonight that I am looking forward to. I get to get dressed up and go to a fancy place..fun! Tomorrow I have cable coming out. Then S and I are going to get us a new tv and couch set to replace what H is taking with him. I feel my PMA is back up and looking forward to getting my home settled back down once H is out.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Way to go! I'm very proud of you! You've come a long way from last year. You understand MLC better and you know that you and your son can manage just fine w/o him being around.

Enjoy the function this evening and have fun shopping for new things. There are plenty of sales going on right now for furniture and TV's. You should be able to get some good deals.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
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Mleigh4, you sound great! Good for you! I'm getting there myself - finally - after a year and a half. Do what you need to do for you and your son. I'm inspired...


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
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Thank you Job and LiveNow. Your words mean so much to me, helps to keep me strong.

So just updating. Friday night I had my work function. I wore my pretty blue dress, curled my hair, looked really nice. H only commented, "wow! Dressy event!" Um, ya. My coworker picked me up. She pulled up outside and parked a little down the street, so I ran out to meet her. I thought to myself, boy, this looks suspicious! Could be a date picking me up the way it was handled! Wonder if H thought that or even cared? I had a great time.

Saturday morning my cable guy came out. H went out to his place to have his internet hooked up. My S went to a play date for a few hours. I had lunch with a girlfriend and then went to get a tv to replace the one H is taking. When I picked up S at his friends, we then went to look at couches, again, to replace what H is taking. We have 2 living rooms. Ya, I could leave 1 empty, but we use both and I just want them both homey! So S and I look around at couches within our budget. S was great at checking the prices, he is just like me! In the last corner, we see this set we like. Checked price, yep in budget. We both sit back and sink down, look at each and smile, this is the one! We have to wait up to 3 weeks, but worth it.

H texted about 5pm that he was in the next city picking up a washer and dryer and heading home. I don't know why, but I am over aware when he calls our house home. Offered to pick up something to eat, but I told him we were good. We actually just ate some leftovers. H seemed a little flustered when he got home, like he expected a dinner waiting like normal. Said he was starving and was going through cupboards to find something. S and I had decided to go to movies to see Paddington and headed out. Offered H to join us, but he was going back to his place with washer and dryer and meeting buddy to help him out. He got home about 12:30 am. Some thoughts went through my mind, but then I thought, I really don't care anymore. I just don't care.

Sunday morning I was awoken at 7 am by a crazy child, dog and cat. No joke, they all jump all over my bed, just a typical weekend morning that I wouldn't change for the world smile. S is feeling a little under the weather, so I made his fav breakfast, crepes. I managed to save a few for H. He ended up staying at home all morning. We switched tv's around, hooked up our new one, got all that fun stuff set up. Remember when tv's were so simple?? H mentioned he was not going to move anything valuable into the house yet, he is worried about stuff being there, "since it is out in the boonies". So he wants to get a wireless alarm first. My thought was, what are you going to do about all your toys and tools that will be in the barn?? A much easier structure to break into. Hhmmmm not my problem, mouth shut. One thing I already know is that I want our dog with my S when there. She is very protective of him and it will make me more comfortable.

So H got his buddy and they took 1 of the couches and the recliner over. It's a little strange having him move stuff out, but it doesn't feel sad to me. More like awkward. So S and I are hunkered down tonight. I don't expect H home until later.

I still feel high PMA, really grounded. I just have a question for you guys. When H asks about taking something, I get a little anxious. For example, we have 2 coffee tables. 1 we got together and 1 I bought when I moved to my apartment. They are special to us because they lift up, as a table to eat at comfortably. So, H had mentioned last week that he got a coffee table on craigslist for $20, but I just knew it wasn't a lift up one and that he probably hadn't thought of that. Sure enough, today he asked about taking one of ours because the one he got doesn't lift up. I very calmly said, well, when I moved out, I had to go buy myself one. I went on to tell him where I got the one I bought and that it was only about $80. So he said ok, he would go see if they still had them.

So my question, am I wrong for fighting to keep as much here as possible here? This is his choice, his move, I just don't feel like I should be the one out buying things for the house. Especially when he makes twice as much as me! I know it's just stuff, all replaceable. I just am having a hard time letting some things go....


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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I also wanted to share a crossroad I have reached. While we were talking, and I was updating my girlfriend about H moving out, she asked me, are you open to date, have you guys talked about that? I told her no, we had not talked about it, that I really don't want to talk with him about that. I told her that I was not looking for anything, that I just plan on living my life, and whatever bridge I come to, I will cross at that time. She was quiet a second, then said wow, thats a really good way to look at it.

I have realized, you can plan things out all you want. Life doesn't care about plans, it just happens. After trying to control things, control my life for so long, I am so ready to just let it happen.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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I think you've been more than kind to allow him to take the TV and living room furniture. If his taking things will create a hardship for you, then you may need to sit down and discuss this w/him. After all, you are having to purchase new things as well since he's moving out. He wants to move out, then he needs to discover just how to go about furnishing his place on his own and not rely on you to supply him w/a lot of things from your home.

I don't see anything wrong w/your h purchasing/finding his own furniture. He can go on Craig's List and they may have a section of free stuff. He should look there. I've seen some really good things for free in my area.

He most certainly isn't wasting any time in furnishing his new place. Reminds me of kids who have their first tree or club houses and want to fix them up, i.e., taking things from home and decorating them. Gosh, teenagers that go off to college and take some stuff from home to make their "first" homes more like home. He's just gone a bit crazy w/purchasing stuff, but that will settle down once he's living there and realizes that reality of life continues on.

BTW, I'm glad you and your son have found some furniture to replace what the runaway man child has taken. Make the home "yours" once he's gone. Be sure to take photos of the inside of your home and any other place that you have belongings. You just never know what he'll take and you may not notice the item(s) is gone until you go to use it.

As for dating, you'll know when you are ready. Don't rush the process. Give yourself some time to adjust to being on your own once again and enjoy that time w/your son and the pets.


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Job - I am very much looking forward to making the house our home. I don't want to change too much, for S, but I do plan on moving some little things around. I have taken pics of all the rooms to keep track of things. There are several things I am fine with him taking. He has his clothes in 1 of my dressers that I got way before him, part of my bedroom set, but I am ok if he uses that, if he asks. I am not offering anything, letting him figure it out. But As long as it doesn't effect my day to day use, I am good.

BTW, I went into the spare room, H's room, to look for my yoga mat and OMG! It reminds me of a 15 year old's room. Clothes everywhere, stuff everywhere, all over the floor and night stands, some bags with stuff in them, I had to stop looking and get out because I don't want to be tempted to snoop. And the room stinks! But I can not get over the mess. What a mess, I can't believe this is the room of a 42 year old man.

The first thing I am going to celebrate is having that spare room door wide open. It has stayed closed for the entire 8 months I have been back home. H even closes it off when he goes in there to change, it's such a pet peeve of mine, something that I have struggled with during the MLC nightmare. . But that door will stay open the moment he is out and I pray that will be the last time I ever have to deal with something like that. With my H any way. I expect that from my S someday!

The last few times H has gone to costco, he has used the joint account to pay, but makes some big purchases for himself. He will come home and say he needs to go through the receipt and pay some of it back. This never happens, since November. The receipt just sits there. So last night he actually followed through and went through the last receipt. I grabbed the last few, 1 of them having a $150 toothbrush on it, and gave them to him. I stayed as nice as possible, just said I remember him needing to do the same with these. I don't want to come off like a B, but I just don't feel like letting it go. I am in survival mode now, and now is the time to clear this stuff up. So he went through and sure enough, it's almost $300 he owes back to the joint account. Let's hope he follows through on that.

H has been offered another promotion at work. He is meting with his boss today for lunch to talk. He may be failing at home, but he must be thriving at work. Is that the norm during MLC? He talked it out a little bit this weekend with me, which was nice. Like old times.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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I'm sure you can't wait to open up the guest bedroom door! LOL! I can't wait to see what you find under the bed and yes, when they hunker down like that, the rooms stink, i.e., just like old shoes that haven't been aired out. Their hormones are in over drive and they have that smell of "funk" about them (in most cases).

I think you are doing the right thing by nicely reminding him that those are his things on the receipts and I do hope he puts the money back into the account. What type of toothbrush did her purchase for that price?

Some of the mlcers will excel at work because it's their drug of choice. It's their way of keeping their focus on something and not having to deal with the real world. In other words, some become workaholics.

I think you are handling your situation with class.


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mleigh

You are getting through this so dignified. The teenaged room that he has is kinda funny, I mean we all must find some humor in the places we can ... kinda laugh just to not cry type of thing ... I picture you going in with full combat gear and a set of long tongs to disarm any bomb you might come across... lol

Your journey is a good one for the books, you are staying centered but holding your ground firmly, that's a respectable way to go about this .... amazing to watch.


M: 48
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M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Job - he got one of those sonicare toothbrush sets. I think it was a double pack plus refills. Quite expensive! Yes, his room smells like dirty clothes and shoes. I may need to air it out for a week!

Caliguy - I do laugh about a lot of his behaviors these days. It actually is good practice and preparation for when my son becomes a teenager, don't you think? I really wasn't prepared for his room though, because I haven't been in there since around Christmas and it's always closed. My eyes must have been huge when I walked in!! Lol

I stayed home today with a sickie kid, but he is already feeling much better. It gave me a chance to double check my home expenses and the amount I need from H. It's actually 1/2 of the mortgage only, so I think that is fair and I should be able to live the same as now.

H TM'd today after having lunch with his bosses. He says he is the interim general foreman for now, is going to talk more with his boss tomorrow. I TM back that it sounds promising, that I know he will do a good job, and that I hope he likes the changes that come with the new position. I ended with Congratulations.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
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Went to see IC tonight. We were actually running out of things to say. He is very proud of how well I have detached and let go of H. Tested me with some "what if" questions. One thing that stuck, I was telling him I want to change my ways of being a fixer, that I have stopped doing that with H. He said, what if he isn't broken? What if he is just being who he is? I know my IC does not fully understand MLC, I have gotten that feeling from previous sessions, but it gives me some food for thought. However I do know my H pretty well and his behavior has not been "who he is"

H took S to his place to eat dinner and do homework tonight. It gives me some alone time, which is nice! I have to admit, I got used to having that 1 night a week to myself when we were separated before, and I would find myself making plans and enjoying it, even if just a night home alone. I am enjoying it now smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
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Hey M - the messy room? My H has a section of our garage that was to become his workshop, full of tools all over the place, and other stuff, left just as it was the day we moved in, over 2 years ago. Stuff all over the floor, a complete mess. Could not even walk around in there. I thought it very closely resembled what his brain/thoughts/feelings must be like right now. Complete disarray. It drove me nuts every time I was in the garage - so I sort of cleaned it up. Somehow, it has become a mess again. And he doesn't even live here! You sound great - keep on keeping on...


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
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M-

My IC believes in MLC but also has posed the question, "What if that is who he is?" --- as time goes on I have to wonder if she has a point. People change or maybe I won't be able to wait it out. Many wise people on these boards say you'll know when you've had enough. {{{hug}}}


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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Not much to update. H spent some time at his place last night before coming home. Said he got a mattress and also brought me home a cat carrier. S and I had already eaten dinner, but I saved him a plate which he was very happy and thankful about.

Kept S home sick again today. H was already gone for an early meeting about his promotion. So I TM him to let him know and see what his day was like, in case he could stay with S so I could go to work. I didn't hear from him until a couple of hours later. He said meeting had just finished, that he had some things to do, but that tomorrow he could cover if needed and to let him know if I absolutely needed him today and he would see what he could do.

We also went briefly over money yesterday morning. I gave him a number and he said ok. He then added that if I felt I was struggling with that number, that we can revisit it. He doesn't want me to rent out a room.

Mr wonderful, right?? I don't know guys. He is being very nice and mature lately, I feel wary and keep waiting to see what is bringing it on. I sometimes feel like S and I are just a business deal to him, something he feels responsible for and almost like he thinks he is being such a great man by taking care of business. It's all business with no emotion.

I find myself counting down to "move out" day. I hope he will be out by Sunday, at least enough to where he can start living there. I am sure he will continue to take stuff over little by little. I feel this upcoming freedom. Like once he is out, I can start healing and move on. It's a mixed feeling of excitement with a dab of fear. Although I have been living my life and moving forward, I sense that it is going to be much better with him out.

I also am hoping this will push him to start doing his own work. So I think, hurry and go!!


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
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I'm glad he's acting like a grownup for now. As long as you aren't rocking his boat and putting pressure on him, he's going to be Mr. Nice Guy. Also, he's moving and right now, he's on cloud nine about that as well as trying to get a promotion.

Once he's moved out completely, he may very well distance himself from you and your son for a while...but there are some that do the exact opposite until you put your foot down. So until he's completely moved out, the jury is still out on what he'll do and how he'll act.

I'm sure you are counting down the days. I would want my freedom too. It's normal to have a bit of fear mixed in w/the excitement. The tension and stress will lessen quite a bit. At least your mind won't be coming up w/all sorts of scenarios about where he is, who he's been with, etc.

It's going to take a while for him to even begin to focus on himself and work the hard work of healing. The first 6 months of actually being on his own and in a new place will put him on a euphoric high. After the newness wears off, that's when things will start to settle down and become routine.

You have been doing so well. I do hope your son feels better soon.


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The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Don't worry Job. I am thinking of this move out being long term. I don't expect any big change between us any time soon, if ever.

So H just TM that he got the promotion. He is general foreman of the HVAC company he works for. I TM him back...great news!...congratulations!....

So now for my real feelings. I AM happy for him. However, my initial thoughts went to what used to be. We would normally go out to celebrate something like this, to our favorite local restaurant where they know us. Ya, that's not happening.

I also wonder how he pulled this off, while being so "stressed" as he calls it. I suppose, like Job had said, work has become his drug of choice. Maybe he has put all his energy and focus into work, like his jeep and other home projects.

Well, life is good for H. He must be floating on air. He has his promotion, his new place with all the essentials he has always wanted, he must be flying high

And ya, it hurts because it doesn't include me. His wife. It hurts and I don't feel so happy for him right now. This too shall pass, just venting and feeling.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Mleigh- It is very sad and hurtful to think of your spouse living as if he is not married. What I mean is that the idea of we and us is not even on his radar. It just blows and there is no way around it.

You sound strong and focused. Props to you for being able to understand all of this isn't really about you. I say the words but sometimes I think I just take it all personally.

Any weekend plans? Hope your son is feeling better.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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Gwen - it took me a year and a half and counting to get here. It still hurts and I still catch myself working to not take it personal. Thank you for your good wishes smile

I think for me, this promotion is one of those moments when you want to experience it together, as a spouse or family. An only happens once moment that you can't get back. The realization of it all being different hits, but I know it will pass. After so many of those moments I figure it must get easier.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Home sick again with my little guy and of course now mommy has it! I always tell S, if I could take the sick for you, I would! And sure enough it always seems to happen.

So H stopped by "the house" as he calls it before coming home last night. What the heck does he do every day over there? I have never seen someone take moving so to heart. I say this with a smile, I look at the funny side of this.

Once home, Mr Nice disappears into his room for over an hour. Barely a care to see how S and I are feeling. Once out, he keeps trying to do things for me, which I continue to do on my own. Like, taking the garbage cans out to the curb. I don't want his help right now. For what, to ease his guilt? Ya, I'm stubborn.

He asked if I wanted him to go to the grocery store the next day. I mentioned that he had said, if S is still sick, that he would stay with him so I could go to work. He just stood there and stared at me. Later, he said that things at work had changed since he had said that. His boss planned another meeting in regards to his promotion. I though to myself, how many freaking meetings can you have about this??? Instead, I just said that I have a job too, that I have already taken 2 sick days this week, that he is a parent too, that I have taken on a lot of responsibility lately and that I don't think I am asking much. He just kept saying "I know" and commenting on how S seems fine. This kid has a horrible cough and is all congested up. I just let it go.

This morning we get up, I see H fixed the surround sound on our tv, so that it is easier to use. He just had to do something, while I was asleep and couldn't shoo him away, right!? So we were evaluating S, and no, he can't be in class the way he is. I had already decided that I would just take the day if needed, S needs TLC right now. H kept telling him he is fine, he always bounces back, blah blah I only think of myself..... I told H it's fine, I got it. So then H said he can get off work early so I can go in. I let my boss know, but she just told me not to worry about it.

So get this, H said he had already planned on getting off early today, to get some things done...aka "the house".... and asked if I needed him to do anything. Amazing how work isn't so important when it benefits HIM.

Emotions I am feeling: get out, please. Stop being so fake nice. Go worry about yourself since that is all that matters. I feel some anger creeping in.

Do any of you get the feeling that being a spouse and parent just became too much for them? I feel like times got tough, as they do, and H has just bailed. Bailed on his commitments and responsibilities because he realized that they actually take work and he just couldn't handle it. Could this be something that throws them into MLC mode? Quite annoying.

So gonna enjoy another day filled with lots of snuggling with S and pets. Getting ready for what looks to be an emotional weekend of H moving out. I have faith in myself, to handle this with my chin up, to be the rock in my home.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
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My, he's a busy bee, isn't he? I had to laugh because it's now "the house". His "former" life is now in a shoe box and up on a shelf. He doesn't want the responsibility of being a parent or h right now. He now considers himself single and that will be his train of thought for a while.

Yes, they sometimes do tend to take time off from work especially if it involves something for him.

I do hope that you and your son feel better soon. Rest as much as you can and drink plenty of fluids.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted By: mleigh4

Do any of you get the feeling that being a spouse and parent just became too much for them? I feel like times got tough, as they do, and H has just bailed. Bailed on his commitments and responsibilities because he realized that they actually take work and he just couldn't handle it. Could this be something that throws them into MLC mode? Quite annoying.


My MLCer W told her mom on New Year's Day (when she finally told her mom that we are splitting up) that "2015 is going to be all about me." Her mother was horrified at that comment because my W and I have three young kids together. A few weeks later they went to lunch and her mom confronted her about that statement and my W replied "I just can't parent right now."

So yes, I do think the pressure of all of the responsibilities can contribute to the situation. I do think my W's MLC probably started about 2 years ago (she appears to be in Replay right now), but know for a fact that it was kicked into high gear by her stepmom's death which brought on the issue of mortality and fear of aging. All of the responsibilities -- work, parenting, being a loving spouse -- perhaps just seem too overwhelming to them as they become hyper-focused on themselves? Not sure because I'm not in her head and I've never had my own MLC -- but this is what I am observing in my own home.


Me 48, Her 50
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Jer2911, thanks for sharing. One thing I see over and over in every sitch is how self absorbed and selfish they become, it seems it is just part of the process.

I suppose I could waste more of my time trying to figure out the why.... Nah....I've got much better things to do smile

OK I went through the round of emotions over "move out weekend" and I think I'm good. Time to pick myself back up, dust myself off and get recentered and refocused!

The most important thing, S seems to be handling this very well. He mentioned that H had told him he would take him and the dog to his place this weekend, and he sounded a little excited about it.

So time to keep on keepin on. I find I get tired of thinking about it and don't even really want to talk about it. My mom has come a long way with this, but she still does a lot of trying to understand what is happening and why, and I think talking her through it throws me a little off balance. I will need to learn a way to get by that without messing up my balance.

Looks like it is time for a new thread too!


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jan 2000
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Sounds like your son is okay w/your h's move to "the house". I think he'll be okay w/it as long as he can take his dog w/him. Right now, it's an adventure for both of them.

BTW, mlcers become very selfish and self-absorbed during the crisis. It's all about "me, me, me". They feel entitled and you got it...more "me, me, and me".

You have a very good handle on your situation and I hope things continue to be okay w/his move and once he's moved out, you can changed things around if you want.

BTW, I think I've just become your 100th poster. Have a great weekend and I hope you and your son feel better.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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