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Mleigh4, you sound great! Good for you! I'm getting there myself - finally - after a year and a half. Do what you need to do for you and your son. I'm inspired...


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Thank you Job and LiveNow. Your words mean so much to me, helps to keep me strong.

So just updating. Friday night I had my work function. I wore my pretty blue dress, curled my hair, looked really nice. H only commented, "wow! Dressy event!" Um, ya. My coworker picked me up. She pulled up outside and parked a little down the street, so I ran out to meet her. I thought to myself, boy, this looks suspicious! Could be a date picking me up the way it was handled! Wonder if H thought that or even cared? I had a great time.

Saturday morning my cable guy came out. H went out to his place to have his internet hooked up. My S went to a play date for a few hours. I had lunch with a girlfriend and then went to get a tv to replace the one H is taking. When I picked up S at his friends, we then went to look at couches, again, to replace what H is taking. We have 2 living rooms. Ya, I could leave 1 empty, but we use both and I just want them both homey! So S and I look around at couches within our budget. S was great at checking the prices, he is just like me! In the last corner, we see this set we like. Checked price, yep in budget. We both sit back and sink down, look at each and smile, this is the one! We have to wait up to 3 weeks, but worth it.

H texted about 5pm that he was in the next city picking up a washer and dryer and heading home. I don't know why, but I am over aware when he calls our house home. Offered to pick up something to eat, but I told him we were good. We actually just ate some leftovers. H seemed a little flustered when he got home, like he expected a dinner waiting like normal. Said he was starving and was going through cupboards to find something. S and I had decided to go to movies to see Paddington and headed out. Offered H to join us, but he was going back to his place with washer and dryer and meeting buddy to help him out. He got home about 12:30 am. Some thoughts went through my mind, but then I thought, I really don't care anymore. I just don't care.

Sunday morning I was awoken at 7 am by a crazy child, dog and cat. No joke, they all jump all over my bed, just a typical weekend morning that I wouldn't change for the world smile. S is feeling a little under the weather, so I made his fav breakfast, crepes. I managed to save a few for H. He ended up staying at home all morning. We switched tv's around, hooked up our new one, got all that fun stuff set up. Remember when tv's were so simple?? H mentioned he was not going to move anything valuable into the house yet, he is worried about stuff being there, "since it is out in the boonies". So he wants to get a wireless alarm first. My thought was, what are you going to do about all your toys and tools that will be in the barn?? A much easier structure to break into. Hhmmmm not my problem, mouth shut. One thing I already know is that I want our dog with my S when there. She is very protective of him and it will make me more comfortable.

So H got his buddy and they took 1 of the couches and the recliner over. It's a little strange having him move stuff out, but it doesn't feel sad to me. More like awkward. So S and I are hunkered down tonight. I don't expect H home until later.

I still feel high PMA, really grounded. I just have a question for you guys. When H asks about taking something, I get a little anxious. For example, we have 2 coffee tables. 1 we got together and 1 I bought when I moved to my apartment. They are special to us because they lift up, as a table to eat at comfortably. So, H had mentioned last week that he got a coffee table on craigslist for $20, but I just knew it wasn't a lift up one and that he probably hadn't thought of that. Sure enough, today he asked about taking one of ours because the one he got doesn't lift up. I very calmly said, well, when I moved out, I had to go buy myself one. I went on to tell him where I got the one I bought and that it was only about $80. So he said ok, he would go see if they still had them.

So my question, am I wrong for fighting to keep as much here as possible here? This is his choice, his move, I just don't feel like I should be the one out buying things for the house. Especially when he makes twice as much as me! I know it's just stuff, all replaceable. I just am having a hard time letting some things go....


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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I also wanted to share a crossroad I have reached. While we were talking, and I was updating my girlfriend about H moving out, she asked me, are you open to date, have you guys talked about that? I told her no, we had not talked about it, that I really don't want to talk with him about that. I told her that I was not looking for anything, that I just plan on living my life, and whatever bridge I come to, I will cross at that time. She was quiet a second, then said wow, thats a really good way to look at it.

I have realized, you can plan things out all you want. Life doesn't care about plans, it just happens. After trying to control things, control my life for so long, I am so ready to just let it happen.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
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job Offline
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I think you've been more than kind to allow him to take the TV and living room furniture. If his taking things will create a hardship for you, then you may need to sit down and discuss this w/him. After all, you are having to purchase new things as well since he's moving out. He wants to move out, then he needs to discover just how to go about furnishing his place on his own and not rely on you to supply him w/a lot of things from your home.

I don't see anything wrong w/your h purchasing/finding his own furniture. He can go on Craig's List and they may have a section of free stuff. He should look there. I've seen some really good things for free in my area.

He most certainly isn't wasting any time in furnishing his new place. Reminds me of kids who have their first tree or club houses and want to fix them up, i.e., taking things from home and decorating them. Gosh, teenagers that go off to college and take some stuff from home to make their "first" homes more like home. He's just gone a bit crazy w/purchasing stuff, but that will settle down once he's living there and realizes that reality of life continues on.

BTW, I'm glad you and your son have found some furniture to replace what the runaway man child has taken. Make the home "yours" once he's gone. Be sure to take photos of the inside of your home and any other place that you have belongings. You just never know what he'll take and you may not notice the item(s) is gone until you go to use it.

As for dating, you'll know when you are ready. Don't rush the process. Give yourself some time to adjust to being on your own once again and enjoy that time w/your son and the pets.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Job - I am very much looking forward to making the house our home. I don't want to change too much, for S, but I do plan on moving some little things around. I have taken pics of all the rooms to keep track of things. There are several things I am fine with him taking. He has his clothes in 1 of my dressers that I got way before him, part of my bedroom set, but I am ok if he uses that, if he asks. I am not offering anything, letting him figure it out. But As long as it doesn't effect my day to day use, I am good.

BTW, I went into the spare room, H's room, to look for my yoga mat and OMG! It reminds me of a 15 year old's room. Clothes everywhere, stuff everywhere, all over the floor and night stands, some bags with stuff in them, I had to stop looking and get out because I don't want to be tempted to snoop. And the room stinks! But I can not get over the mess. What a mess, I can't believe this is the room of a 42 year old man.

The first thing I am going to celebrate is having that spare room door wide open. It has stayed closed for the entire 8 months I have been back home. H even closes it off when he goes in there to change, it's such a pet peeve of mine, something that I have struggled with during the MLC nightmare. . But that door will stay open the moment he is out and I pray that will be the last time I ever have to deal with something like that. With my H any way. I expect that from my S someday!

The last few times H has gone to costco, he has used the joint account to pay, but makes some big purchases for himself. He will come home and say he needs to go through the receipt and pay some of it back. This never happens, since November. The receipt just sits there. So last night he actually followed through and went through the last receipt. I grabbed the last few, 1 of them having a $150 toothbrush on it, and gave them to him. I stayed as nice as possible, just said I remember him needing to do the same with these. I don't want to come off like a B, but I just don't feel like letting it go. I am in survival mode now, and now is the time to clear this stuff up. So he went through and sure enough, it's almost $300 he owes back to the joint account. Let's hope he follows through on that.

H has been offered another promotion at work. He is meting with his boss today for lunch to talk. He may be failing at home, but he must be thriving at work. Is that the norm during MLC? He talked it out a little bit this weekend with me, which was nice. Like old times.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
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I'm sure you can't wait to open up the guest bedroom door! LOL! I can't wait to see what you find under the bed and yes, when they hunker down like that, the rooms stink, i.e., just like old shoes that haven't been aired out. Their hormones are in over drive and they have that smell of "funk" about them (in most cases).

I think you are doing the right thing by nicely reminding him that those are his things on the receipts and I do hope he puts the money back into the account. What type of toothbrush did her purchase for that price?

Some of the mlcers will excel at work because it's their drug of choice. It's their way of keeping their focus on something and not having to deal with the real world. In other words, some become workaholics.

I think you are handling your situation with class.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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mleigh

You are getting through this so dignified. The teenaged room that he has is kinda funny, I mean we all must find some humor in the places we can ... kinda laugh just to not cry type of thing ... I picture you going in with full combat gear and a set of long tongs to disarm any bomb you might come across... lol

Your journey is a good one for the books, you are staying centered but holding your ground firmly, that's a respectable way to go about this .... amazing to watch.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Job - he got one of those sonicare toothbrush sets. I think it was a double pack plus refills. Quite expensive! Yes, his room smells like dirty clothes and shoes. I may need to air it out for a week!

Caliguy - I do laugh about a lot of his behaviors these days. It actually is good practice and preparation for when my son becomes a teenager, don't you think? I really wasn't prepared for his room though, because I haven't been in there since around Christmas and it's always closed. My eyes must have been huge when I walked in!! Lol

I stayed home today with a sickie kid, but he is already feeling much better. It gave me a chance to double check my home expenses and the amount I need from H. It's actually 1/2 of the mortgage only, so I think that is fair and I should be able to live the same as now.

H TM'd today after having lunch with his bosses. He says he is the interim general foreman for now, is going to talk more with his boss tomorrow. I TM back that it sounds promising, that I know he will do a good job, and that I hope he likes the changes that come with the new position. I ended with Congratulations.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Went to see IC tonight. We were actually running out of things to say. He is very proud of how well I have detached and let go of H. Tested me with some "what if" questions. One thing that stuck, I was telling him I want to change my ways of being a fixer, that I have stopped doing that with H. He said, what if he isn't broken? What if he is just being who he is? I know my IC does not fully understand MLC, I have gotten that feeling from previous sessions, but it gives me some food for thought. However I do know my H pretty well and his behavior has not been "who he is"

H took S to his place to eat dinner and do homework tonight. It gives me some alone time, which is nice! I have to admit, I got used to having that 1 night a week to myself when we were separated before, and I would find myself making plans and enjoying it, even if just a night home alone. I am enjoying it now smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 242
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Hey M - the messy room? My H has a section of our garage that was to become his workshop, full of tools all over the place, and other stuff, left just as it was the day we moved in, over 2 years ago. Stuff all over the floor, a complete mess. Could not even walk around in there. I thought it very closely resembled what his brain/thoughts/feelings must be like right now. Complete disarray. It drove me nuts every time I was in the garage - so I sort of cleaned it up. Somehow, it has become a mess again. And he doesn't even live here! You sound great - keep on keeping on...


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
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