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#2522789 01/02/15 11:35 PM
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Time for a new thread for the new year smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Home is calm again. H is back in happy mode.

When I came home from work tonight H told me he found some places to look at and is looking at one tomorrow.

My first feeling was anxiety. But now I am back to feeling like this is best.

There are so many pros and cons to living with your MLC. My biggest issue is having S go back and forth. We are so close, that was really hard on us when I moved out. But otherwise, I really am ok with it.

My hope is that having H experience life without his home and family on a day to day basis might wake him up a little. I know it could go either way. I truly believe if he moves out it will either make us or break us this will be it.

It's hard because he really has come a long way and has honored most boundaries I have laid down for us to live in harmony. But I keep getting that nagging feeling that there is more going on. Something on that phone. OW, pornography, online relationship, who knows.

Please men on board. Is it possible to give up sex for over a year, overnight?? I bring this up and H says with all the stress he has lost the desire and just doesn't feel that way towards me. That our issues have killed his desire. Just like that?

Anyway, it's this kind of stuff that doesn't make sense to me. I know MLC is crazy land, guess it could just be that.

Anyway, we will see how this plays out. I suggested the move but also told him this arrangement could work great while we figure ourselves out as long as he could be open and honest with me. His choice, it's in God's hands now.

I just think to myself, his weird phone behavior, his ring off, his marital status as blank on Facebook, no sex, caught in lies about his whereabouts, women's shoes in my house while I was moved out, movie tickets on his credit card, texting my friend behind my back one night, so many things I can't let go. I just can't yet. So much disrespect. Yes, it's better he go for now. If he will!


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jan 2000
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job Offline
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Stress can play a role in not being interested in sex...but depression plays even a bigger role.

So, he's been looking for a place. Maybe he'll find something near by and your son won't have to travel too far to visit w/him. Of course, your h could suggest that he come to the home and visit w/him. He may be looking and will not find anything he likes and remain right where he is. Time will tell what he does.

While he's trying to figure things out, keep the focus on you, your son and your pets. Allow this man to twirl in the wind for a while.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Job yep, looking at places. We will see. I am already back to where I was the first time he "found a place" I am redecorating the house in my mind and planning game nights and dinner parties with friends. I am imagining peace, calm and space. All the good things that come with it.

H is way too much on my mind these days and I don't like it. I am not GAL and detached enough. This weekend my goal is to get out, visit a friend, use some gift cards I got. Need to let go of this past week, keep it simple. I feel it in me, she needs to come back out!

In the next couple of weeks I will be booking our Socal trip to Legoland and Disneyland. I let H know, told him he is welcome. I am not sure if we are really ready for a family trip, but it only seems right to invite him. I am SO ok doing it alone with S again. We had the best trip ever last time.

There she is. That fearless, independent outgoing girl. I like her a lot better than H obsessed girl.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Ok. Had a good day! H left this morning about 10:45 to look at a house to move. I really wanted to get S and I out of the house for a bit, so I decided we would go to a local state park that I have been wanting to check out. We grabbed some lunch and decided to picnic at the park. While there, we also looked at some old buildings with history to them. S and I had such a great time! The park is beautiful, we talked and talked, even did a little mini hike before leaving. We decided next time we would go earlier so we can picnic and do a full hike.


I had TM H when we left for the park about 1:30 to let him know where we would be. H said have fun. No mention of where he was. Just got home, it's 5 and no word from H. Boy, that's a long house viewing!! Lol. It's obvious he is in rebellious teenager mode. He left smelling really good, left some grooming scissors next to the shower, and is not giving me the common courtesy to let me know where he is. So obviously trying to get my goat and feed some of my fears, no? So juvenile to me and a perfect example of what I do not want in my day to day life. Hey, thank you for the reminder H!!

I will not say a peep, he won't get any reaction from me. I had a wonderful day with my son! Gonna keep myself on my nature high:)


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Oct 2014
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Nature high - I love it. Actually spending time with your kids in a relaxing environment is food for the soul. Too much noise everywhere. Sounds like a fabulous day.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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Thanks Gwen. I am still on my nature high! I love hiking and picnics and beautiful views.... a perfect day. Seems S likes it too, I may have discovered a way to get him away from the electronics!

About 6 o clock last night H TM that he met up with friends, was having dinner, then gonna play poker, hoped we had fun at the park. I laughed at "friends", I guess I am not privy to who he hangs with, however he checked in to let me know his plans for the night so I didn't have to wonder. Why do I sound and feel like I am talking about a teenage child??? Lol

So I TM back to have fun and win big. I told him we had a blast and sent him a couple of pics of S. He said he loved the pics.

Dragged S to the grocery store, came home and made pizza and watched my Netflix movie I forgot I had. S and I finished our great day with a great night.

I woke up about 2 am really thirsty, so got up to get some water and noticed H still wasn't home. I thought to myself, are we here again? Just then I get a TM...

H: Not sure if you will get this but I'm just waiting to drive....I will head home when I can drive.

I waited a beat, no anxiety, no bad gut feelings, no anger, I was good! I didn't want to ignore the text, I really appreciated it, was his first time update me like that since BD. so I replied:

Thanks for letting me know so I don't worry. Be careful...stay where you are if you need to.

I grabbed kitty and snuggled back up in bed. I heard my phone with a couple more texts from H, but I didn't feel like getting up to read them, just wanted to go to sleep.

This morning g, my dog alerted us to H coming home about 9 am. S and I were both still in our beds. H peeked his head in my room to let me know he was home, then I heard him go into Sons room. They talked and talked, S told him all about our trip to the park. He really enjoyed it! After a few minutes I went into S room and we were all snuggled in bed while we told H more about the day.

S and I got up, H said he needs about 10 more hours of sleep and is now sleeping. I got my phone to see what his texts had said:

I'm ok, just waiting it out...want to be sleeping at home! Then about 10 minutes later his 2nd text said:

Thanks for understanding. If I'm not home it means I fell asleep in this chair...so tired...


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Hey, mleigh, I completely relate to this:
Originally Posted By: mleigh4
Is it possible to give up sex for over a year, overnight?? I bring this up and H says with all the stress he has lost the desire and just doesn't feel that way towards me. That our issues have killed his desire. Just like that?
Almost the same words H used to tell me that he was not in love with me anymore. I think he did have sex with me in these rare occasions for the last few years before the BD because he felt obligated. After the BD he’s been looking for a prove that it was because of me that he didn't have much desire, and once he meets a suitable woman it will all return like he had it when he was in his 20th. Ha, I think he will be disappointed…

I complete agree with job. This could be because of depression. I can see it now.

You did great, by not reacting to all these rebellious teenage stuff. Keep it up!


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Brightfuture - thanks for your info, it helps.

I am feeling proud of myself for not reacting to H this weekend, but it really takes it's toll on me. It's just another slap of reality that this man doesn't care about me or how I feel. He knows how much it hurts me to not know who he is with or where he is. The fact: I don't know who my husband spent almost 24 hours with or where he slept. I was given no names, not of one single person. I'm not going to ask, I'm tired of feeling like a mother with him, asking him questions of his whereabouts. I'm so tired of it. But I shouldn't have to ask. A man should not treat his wife like that, to really thinks it's ok to keep her in the dark about people, not come home until 9 o'clock the next morning. Does he get some kind of thrill out of this? WTF?

I appreciated that he checked in with me a couple of times, and I do believe he was out with the guys. At least he let me know he was playing poker and sleeping on someone's chair, right? It's better than I have gotten in past outings! But the no name thing, the not telling me who's chair he slept in, oh man, it gets to me. I'm hurting, facing the reality of how he feels about me. He doesn't care. What do I do with that? It feels so good to get my rant out here instead of with him!!

Living together, it's so so hard to not have those expectations of being treated like a normal spouse. I try and try to tell myself, like I tell others, he is not able to give me any more than this right now. He is not in the state of mind that I am his wife. He is not able to respect me in that way.

I am not going to react or get angry with him, it does absolutely no good. He is in overly Mr. Happy mode right now, I see and know his pattern. I know from what I have learned over the past year that this is typical MLC behavior, it helps in that I know the "why". But it doesn't take the pain away or make it any less. It really hurts.

I see the change in me, the fact that I didn't react is a huge change for me. It's not so much anger I feel, it's a deep sadness and pain.

I also know the best step for me right now is to step back, stay back, keep my guard up and let him spin. Let him do his thing. He is in spin mode again. He needs to do this, it's part of his journey and I need to stay out of the way. I really do know and understand this, there is no question about it. THAT knowledge and understanding feels good.

Don't worry - I know all the things I need to do and I know I will be fine. I did great in not letting his adventure ruin my day. Just feeling a little icky and poopy and needed to get it off my chest!


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Apr 2014
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Hi mleigh,
Wow, as I read your post I can really relate. In the year after B-day before my W left she did the exact same thing. Instead of poker, she was at a bachelorette party. I also didn't react badly but of course my W was combative in her texts like I was somehow. She expected me to be upset so no matter what she "just knew" I was. You are so right about MLCers acting just like teenagers. My W acted just like my 15 year old D! I know how hard it is when they are at home and you just want a "normal" M partner but they just can't do it. It's hard, it hurts but there is nothing that you can say or do to change it. Very frustrating!

By the way, the sex thing isn't just with men. My W and my sex life disappeared when she was depressed and again when she went into her MLC. I really think a part of why she felt the need to run was a fear that there was something wrong with her in that dept. We had a really great sex life up until she went on meds for her depression and she was very afraid that it would never come back. Easier to blame her lack of desire on me. I think it's part of why the MLCer is so sure that we are the problem. If they really loved us, they would want to have sex, right? Must be something wrong with us, can't be that they are depressed. I also think it's why so many run to find OP's. To prove that they've still got "it". It is also a bad dynamic. They not only feel a lack of desire, they also know that their S wants to be intimate and when they can't or won't they feel badly about it. Then when the MLC hits hard they turn that guilt around and blame the LBS. The biggest part of my W's depression was guilt. She always felt she was letting everyone down. One way to get rid of guilt or shame is to turn it around and find a way that they aren't responsible and blame the LBS. I really think that is a big reason for the spews. Not their fault that they destroyed a family. If we had been a better S, if we didn't X or hadn't said Y, well they would have been wonderful and loyal S's!

It's isn't easy when you are working so hard to keep the family together and you get no respect back from your S. I also remember the "overly happy" pattern when my W was still at home. She would get that way and it seemed so fake, like she was forcing it and I knew something bad was coming. It's still so amazing to me how they are so "on script". They all feel like no one else knows how they feel (just like a teenager!) but they all end up doing and saying variations of the same things. It must be embarrassing for those that wake up and remember how they acted.

Hang in there mleigh. Good that you didn't react and better to rant here then with H!

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