And We Danced All Night to the Best Song Ever...

[Georgiabelle]

And I say oh, oh, oh and I say yeah, yeah, yeah...New year and time for a new thread....

Old Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2510255#Post2510255

Crazy is coming back. Push it back. Push it back. Way back.

And seeing HG like I just did in the lobby? Kicks up my weird...I'm hoping I at least put a foot on the quasi normal train in 2015. Please.

[Mighty]

GB! I think I hear that blasting from d13's room right now. Total obsession. Like out-of-control!

To 2015! You did so amazingly well in 2014, I can't wait to see what you bring this year. HG or not!

[Georgiabelle]

I don't feel like posting anything important. So...

Wonka, xh had on his Spider Man t today. He also looked like he had been on a 5 day bender. Puffy eyes.

Mighty(I know you have bigger issues and I'm cheering you on my friend)and Shining (look at you ) oh yes I did get 2 pairs of boots for Xmas. Ready? These are 5 inch stiletto platform boots (small platform and very comfortable) and I did look rather scintillating in the Target check out line in the black pair yesterday. Uh huh.

And yes, I am the proud owner of some 5 Seconds of Summer concert tix for July. Haters gonna hate.

D9 turns 10 tomorrow. 10 for the win! Oh, and I had candy for breakfast. Why? Because I felt like it.

Hang in there, everyone. It gets better:-)

[beatrice]

Thanks for stopping by my thread - I had a spiced iced bun for lunch for the same reason. Healthy eating is great but sometimes you just have to bend the rules or start wearing ugly sandals!

It does indeed get better. I have serious boot envy btw

[Georgiabelle]

Okay....I've been reading a bit and it's time for an honest post.

I was talking with a friend today and I said, "I'm doing pretty well. In some ways, I've never felt better. Yes, I have sad times and days when I struggle. The reality is that right now, I just don't have anything in the tank." And I had a bit of an epiphany because that was the best way I can describe how I feel. I recognize this is not optimum or ideal, however it best sums up my feelings. And I hope I move through this soon:-)

In the past (with break ups of the end of Rs), I always felt I must be at fault and there must be something wrong with me. I must be unloveable. Why can't I get it right? And the reality is that I'm flawed and have things to work on. And I am. I certainly made mistakes in my M. I also realize that I was navigating the best I could with the tools I had. That freaking hindsight is something. However, I know I'm a good person. I haven't caused all of the ills and strifes of the world.

The thing that I grapple with is that feeling of being and just letting things transpire. Oh control!!! Ack!!!! In a moment where I feel my fear or anxiety build, it's like my heart starts beating 100 beats per minute. I feel clammy and so dare I say... Out of control:-) Sometimes a walk help or a dance. Sometimes it's deep breaths. Just being. Letting things evolve. Huge mental challenge for me. Has been for as long as I can remember.

I'm trying. New year.

[CaliGuy]

GB .... I get it totally. I think that was a huge part of my spin cycles ... the fact I could not control my M, my W, my own thoughts and desires. I have never been one to just go with things, looking at the major areas of my life ... I have had to in most ways make opportunities happen and then take full advantage of them when they did.

Your epiphany does link to those desires you were experiencing and I am sure you realize that. Letting go of the wheel and just going for the ride is not a relaxing thing, but sometimes we just need to see where things go knowing in the back of our minds if it turns out to be painful we can opt out at any time, this thought process has helped me accept a few things that are going on in my life. Its growth ... you are a rockstar and I have no doubt you will own this part too.

[Georgiabelle]

Just a little update. I'm not sure how DB of this was of me and although I try desperately to keep my expectations of x Mr. GB to near zero, I have found myself a tad resentful lately that he decided being a parent is a bit too much of a responsibility and obligation for him. That's my problem to work through and I understand it.

Let me back up a minute. Xh and I live in the same small suburb. His gf lives in the college town I lived in (years ago, thankfully:-) about 45 minutes away. He is moving to college town (which is very odd for a 41 yr old divorced man and again, that's his deal.) He told kids he was moving there to be closer to work which is in the town we live in so he's actually moving 45 minutes from work.

Anyway, he was supposed to get them today and D9 chose not to go with the boys. I asked him to keep boys through tomorrow afternoon (he generally starts texting at 7am that they are ready to come home). I said "xh, please keep boys for a bit tomorrow as D9 needs some extra attention from me. It's fine if R is around. I've known about that since the beginning and I know you will use best judgement around the kids. It's all good. Thanks:)"

I've never mentioned her before and I realized that it's time to start thinking about GB and the kids. I've been thinking about kids and skipping over me. Nope. I want a life too. I have one and I'm grateful to have my kids full time. They are first. However, to be my best, I would prefer him to step up to the plate. Maybe he does. Maybe he doesn't. My job isn't to make him feel " okay." I was fired from being the wife and that's okay. I can't make him do squat, although I'm going to give him the opp to actually be a dad. My expectations are near zero, and again, I have to think about me. Yes- ME:-)

Happy Saturday:-)

[uRworthy]

Hey GB, we have some mutual friends on here. .

Well, good on you. Sometimes you just have to say what you want to say.

Yay, for thinking of you. Yes, your children are important, but, you matter, too.

Oh and I went to see 1D and 5SS last summer with my niece. I had a ball. Those boys are adorable!!! Enjoy.

[2BHappy]

GB
YEAH, hopefully mr. XGB will step up and spend the needed time with kids, and at the same time you will have some YOU time, very important for parents to have to refresh and recharge.

I think it was ok for you to ask for what you needed from him and to mention that if his GF is there, it is ok, remove that excuse from his mind.

Hope you and your D got to spend that quality time without the boys.

[BklynMom]

Its tricky striking a balance between taking care of yourself, taking care of your kids and encouraging a WAS to not be a walk-away parent.

My ex does everything he can to make being a Dad more difficult for him. He also moved 45 mins away to live with his GF.

I dont do many things that I would like to do, like remind him that family friday is the first Friday of the month at the kids school - he is on the school emails too. (He has never made it to a family friday in 2 years)

But I do, do somethings, like have the girls call him after/during important events. I had the girls call him from Disney cause my exH never calls them on my cell (its really weird that he acts like if they are not home he can't reach them).

I think its important for the kids to have a relationship with him and just like you had be the better person and acknowledge the OW - its an ongoing process to keep WAS involved with the kids when all they want to do is party like they are 22.

Stay strong. You are an awesome mom and your kids know it.

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks UR (I'm thrilled you stopped by), 2B and BK (you are always my peeps!). I appreciate your thoughts. Yes, I figured it was time to acknowledge the elephant in the room. And really, it is all good. Xh is on his path and I'm on mine. Can we be friends again at some point? Perhaps. Everything will transpire as it should.

I'm sure I've stated before that I'm incredibly superstitious so I don't want to hex myself. I feel a strange sense of peace? Perhaps that's not the right word. Maybe it's more acceptance that I'm where I'm supposed to be.... D10 asked me yesterday about marrying her dad. I was honest. I said that I loved her Dad very much and I certainly never considered or anticipated that we would no be together until death. I told her that things do happen for a reason and sometimes we don't always understand at the time....and sometimes we never fully understand. She said that her dad is so different than he used to be and I did agree. And I said, I'm not the same either. Hopefully, we are always evolving and learning. I can't say xh is and well, if I'm supposed to know, I will find out one day.

I know crazy will pop back up and I will with through it.

[Georgiabelle]

The crazy train came up full force last night and is still bubbling under. I had felt really good for a few weeks and weathered some potential hot buttons. And BOOM! That caca blew right up on me yesterday. I just shut down and cuddled with s4.

Some days, I feel like there is a very deep issue of control/sexuality for me. It's like I switched out the ED for sexuality-not actually having sex, but the overall insatiable desire to be wanted and in control. I know we all want to ve sees ores. I want to be wanted and totally in control as to how that pans out. It's ridiculous because I must let go and let things transpire. I so very very very much struggle with this. I am crying as I type that. Ugh! $&@?!!!!! Men are triggers for me-at least ones I am attracted to in a physical sense. Which is good that there are so very very few I'm attracted to. However, I feel like I am empty when it comes to men. Not that I can't laugh. I'm not even afraid to love or open up again. I just don't feel like doing it. I'm sure that will change one day.

This may sound silly, although I've always been envious of people who seamlessly seem to easily be attracted to people and move from R to R. Isn't that crazy? I realize some of those people can't be alone, however, I always feel like I just don't connect with most people. I guess that's okay. I don't know.

I was teetering on territory with a friend of mine (and there has always been an attraction there) and I just said, "I can't talk to you right now. I just can't." And it's not even a fear of being hurt-hails bells I'm not even invested enough to allow myself to get hurt. I just feel like I sound like a whack job some days and I'm just boring.

Sorry to throw up. Just had to get it out there:-)

[Georgiabelle]

And I'm a blubbering mess tonight. Calgon! Take me away!!!!!!

[kml]

Google "Love Avoidant" and see if any of this seems familiar?

What is Love Avoidance?

Love avoidance is the systematic putting up of walls in a relationship to prevent feeling emotionally overwhelmed by another person. Consequently, it prevents true intimacy. It can be described as a form of emotional anorexia. The love avoidant perceives love as being an obligation or duty, so relationships are experienced as an emotional drain. The love avoidant tends to become involved with love addicts, and puts up walls to decrease the intensity within the relationship. However, the more the avoidant distances, the more the love addict pursues. The avoidant often responds by a pattern of deprivation within the primary relationship, while acting in ways that create intensity outside of that relationship (e.g., work, pursuing other relationships or sexual encounters, addictions, etc.). At the more extreme range of love avoidance, the love avoidant may also be intimacy anorexic.

Am I a Love Avoidant?

This questionnaire is based on the work of Pia Mellody. If you can answer yes to more than a few of the following questions, love avoidance may be a problem for you.

You think taking care of your partner is sufficient proof that you love him or her.
You find yourself often critical of your partner.
You believe it is your duty to take care of your partner.
You have a secret life away from your partner.
You keep important information about your thoughts or feelings from your partner.
You withhold information about yourself (at work or play) so that your partner will not get upset.
You find yourself needing to manage and be in control of the relationship.
You have frequently done things for your partner and then later had the sense that no matter what you did it was never enough for your partner.
You feel frustrated because your partner doesn't understand that you've spent time with him or her and now you need time for yourself.
You feel smothered by your partner when he or she wants to have you around so much.
Your partner complains that he or she doesn't really know you.
You find yourself overly critical of your partner.
You withhold praise or appreciation from your partner.
You feel resentful of your partner's neediness.
You have had one or more relationships in which you felt smothered and needed to escape.
You find yourself needing to control your partner because you know better what should and shouldn't be done.
You control your primary relationship by silence and anger.
When you're with your partner you feel like you're not getting your needs met.
You feel your partner doesn't appreciate all that you do for him or her.
You frequently feel the need to escape the relationship.
You often feel the need to go some place where you can get attention without always having to assure the other person that you love them.
You are spending more time at work in order to be away from you partner.
You stay so busy that you have little to no relational time for your partner.
You feel a sense of relief when you leave the house.
Your drinking, drug use, or other addictive behaviors increase while you are in a primary relationship.
You've had an affair or one-night-stand in order to get away from your relationship, have some fun, and get some attention.
You use porn to escape from the pressure in your relationship.
You withhold sex from your partner.
You have become involved in relationships because you couldn't say "no" or you didn't want to hurt the other person's feelings.
You have stayed in relationships longer than you wanted because you would have felt guilty if you ended it.
Your relationships have often begun with you rescuing your partner from another bad relationship, poor health, financial difficulties, emotional distress, legal problems or some other difficulty.
It is important to you that your partner thinks of you as her 'Knight in Shining Armor' or his 'Wonder Woman.'
As a child, you sometimes thought you were taking care of mom or dad more than they were parenting you.
As a child, you felt like mom or dad was smothering.

[BrightFuture]

OMG, kml, I think this applies to H. I think he would answer 80% of this positively. It just opened my eyes! This is it, H is love avoidant. This explains a lot of things…

GB, I can relate to what you posted here. I am also not easily attracted to people. And right now I feel like there is nobody out there who could possibly capture my heart. I feel that I’m done in terms of finding new love or new R.

[ericmsant2]

Nope. I want a life too.

And you deserve one!

I'm going to give him the opp to actually be a dad.

IMO, you do this ^^^ for the kids. Allow them to form their own opinion about DAD. Your job is to stay out of that R. You can be their to listen and validate the kids…but they need to learn who dad really is. The definition of DAD needs to be determined by the kids – not you. Give them that time and space to figure that out.

I want to be wanted and totally in control as to how that pans out.

Are we ever really in total control? IMO, NOPE – NEVER. It is impossible to control EVERYTHING.

I'm not even afraid to love or open up again. I just don't feel like doing it. I'm sure that will change one day.

For some reason….I do not believe you are not afraid to love or open up again. I think you are. The bigger issue continues to be control, which IMO, is rooted in FEAR.

I also think that at the end of the day….you are really lonely. Yes you have the kids, and yeah you have a job but aside from that…..something is missing.

IMO, the only way to figure out what is missing is to experiment until you find something that works for you.

I also believe that you still are reeling from what I would say are the life lessons you have been TAUGHT i.e. you still see yourself the way you were TAUGHT to see yourself.


GB – change takes TIME…….. you cannot rush this……..

One day…one step at a time….

Maybe…another thing to consider is….are you spending too much f*cking time in YOUR head. Are you trying to answer every question about yourself RIGHT NOW. Relax….enjoy life a little. Stop worrying so much.

[Georgiabelle]

Kml- thanks for posting. Bright-hang in there.

Honestly, a lot of that sounds like me. I did not have to be the "parent" as a kid, although I did have to behave "like an adult" around age 11. That's when I started earning money with various jobs and feeling like I had to be in charge.

Interesting. I did google love avoidant and I do have intimacy issues. I don't feeling I had them in my first R, however, I feel like they came about later as I felt so hurt. I thought there must be something wrong with me. I wasn't thin enough. I wasn't pretty enough. My family wasn't "good" enough. And I certainly attract men who are very sensitive snd passionate until.......they get upset I'm so "closed off."

[Georgiabelle]

Eric,

I love you. I do:). You touched on so many things that are 100% accurate. I swear, if you peeps met me IRL I would have you in stitches. That's not arrogance-it's true. Trust me:-) I just feel crazy and out of control. I know it takes time. I need to get my head together. I am a pensive one. I can't get out of my own f$&king head. Literally.

You know what? I just want sex. I was never sexually attracted to my xh. I thought he was cute but I never respected him. God. Yes I'm admitting this. I want down and dirty sex. I want someone to want me and not blame me for their ED. (Maybe I was the cause. I don't really know). I want someone to take charge. And after having very little sex for the last 11 years, I want it. I think it's control. I know I can't control everything in my logical mind, however I just want to push every sexual boundary I have ever established in my mind. My mind is very preoccupied with sex. I just want to do it all of the time. I have these very sexually charged exchanges with men. I don't even feel bad. Yet. Maybe that comes later. Maybe it doesn't.

Sorry if that's TMI. I realize there is deeper issue and that's what I want. And I want it now. I hope everyone doesn't think I'm crazy but maybe I am.

[Shining]

GB!!!

Just sitting here wishing I was your type .

[Georgiabelle]

^^^^^^^

Shining-that made me laugh outloud. :-)

[BklynMom]

You are insane gb - but so honest. You can't go wrong with being honest with yourself and sharing your truth with others.

I can relate to some of what you said.

My h was not my best ever but it was good. I do wish he was more aggressive in some ways but mostly I wish he had been more honest in the bedroom. It always felt like I had to guess what he was into and he couldn't say it. It was frustrating that I had to be the leader in sex games department.

I guess I thought this was a compromise I was making and I loved my h regardless. I thought no r is 10 stars in every department.

My h also had complaints that we weren't doing it enough. I didn't respect his feelings enough and justified that after having 2 kids doing it twice a month was nothing to complain about. I should have shown his feelings more respect

[ericmsant2]

GB

I love you. I do:).

You probably love the “thought of me”. Thank you for the compliment though.

I just feel crazy and out of control.

Sounds to me like you feel crazy because you’ve found a side of you (aka – you want sex) that you do not understand. Normal if ya ask me.

I know it takes time. I need to get my head together. I am a pensive one. I can't get out of my own f$&king head. Literally.

Time to stop saying “I know” and do something about it. Get out of your head! Can I ask you a simple question…..what does GB like to do beside work, kids, and think about getting some? Really….what kind of stuff do you like to do? What stuff have you always wanted to do?

I was never sexually attracted to my xh.

3 kids and no sexual attraction? Hmm….sounds like this new GB is rewriting history a bit.

I thought he was cute but I never respected him.

Define respect. What makes you FEEL respected? How do YOU show respect to others?

I want someone to take charge.

What does TAKE charge LOOK like to YOU? Is this just from a sexual perspective or do you want someone to take charge overall? Define it.

I want someone to want me

Who doesn’t. IMO, everyone wants to feel wanted and hell I would even say that as much as we say not to “need” external validation – I think on some level everyone does. I think the issue with “wanting to be wanted” …is trying to find the right balance. Do you feel that you are not complete with out this – IMO, not good. Feeling the need to want someone to want to be with you is okay….as LONG as YOU are okay with also being alone. Get me?

I have these very sexually charged exchanges with men. I don't even feel bad. Yet. Maybe that comes later.

First you are divorced now. You really can do whatever you want as long as IMO, you do not go against your moral fiber.

You want what you want and you want it now. I get that. Here is the thing….it will come, when it is the right time for YOU (and YOU do not determine that imo). Wanna go get some lovin…I say go for it as long as you are aware of the impact it will have, which could be good or could be bad.


GB, you are at an interesting time in your life…a time, IMO, where you are really trying to find out who GB really wants to be. The natural tendency is to think that someone else can help you figure that out – IMO, they can’t. You need to find GB first and foremost….then…..you’ll find what you are looking for.

Oh…and you are not crazy.

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks BK and Eric. I am grateful for you both listening to me babble. Eric, I don't love the thought of you- I love that you call my Kim
Kardashian like a$$ out on my caca :-). I am contemplating what you said and this is where I am... The idea of being naked with anyone right now disgusts and repulses me. So much for last weeks' shenanigans of wanting the sexay times.

I feel like gum on the bottom of a not very cute pair of shoes. Perhaps a pair of flats. I don't wear flats. I'm not sure what my deal is but I'm feeling kind of down. As in if Ryan Gosling knocked on the door, I don't know of I would answer. S4 turns 5 tomorrow and I'm not sure why I'm so sad..... Blah is a better word. I want to curl up in a ball and hide for a few days or weeks. Can't do that. Have my annual conference later this week so I'll be away for 6 days.

Maybe it's all of the valentine's stuff I see? Don't know as I've never really celebrated that. I am envious of those that say they are "anxious" or "ready" to date. I'm pretty sure I would welcome water boarding over that. Downer I am right now. Bleeeech! Actually, I think some stems from my last conversation with my mom a couple of weeks ago when she said that "she was ready for me to date." Wtf? I've never discussed dating a day in my life with my mother. For those of you that follow along, I'm the one who never told anyone I was getting married, got married , and I never announced my 3rd pregnancy. I assumed everyone figured I hadn't swallowed a watermelon. I told my parents when I was about 5 months along with my first. I didn't announce my divorce either. I am very private about my life (except here).

Then my mother told my brother, if she could just pick who I dated she would do a good job. Holy he!! no !!!! My mother would pick a man who was socially inept, living in his mother's basement , had 3 eyes, and had not seen sunlight since Clinton was in office. Oh and he would sweat incessantly and have 9 chins. What is wrong with her? I'm being dramatic I know.

Hope everyone is well and sorry to be an expired glass of milk.

[uRworthy]

Let me just get this out of the way first.....Ryan freakin Gosling comes to your house..you figure out a way to answer the door. GB...I mean it's RYAN GOSLING!!!

I really am sorry you are feeling down. Just so you know, you're not alone. It's going around. It's probably all those things and winter and the holidays passed and we ate too much. Ok, well...I ate too much. LOL! (gained 6 pounds..who does that in a one week span?)

I get the blah feeling..having it myself.

As far as not feeling ready to date. Aint nothin wrong with that, G. Everyone gets there is their own time. There is not timeline for it. It's best to be really ready for all of that.

Yea, your mom talking about you dating...."Akward"!!! She just wants to see her daughter happy. They mean well in their own way.

I hear you on the being private thing.

You feel how you do. There are no wrong feelings.

So, what can you do for you to help you get over this bump in the road?

Hang in there, G. This too shall pass.

[Zelda09]

Georgia,

Your post is hysterical. With that sense of humor, I'd be beating your door down if I swung that way.

Here's to hoping you bring your sexy back. I found myself with a girlfriend yesterday in TJMaxx sniffing all those lovely lavender and grapefruit soaps, and looked up at a dude in flannel pants (pajamas?) staring at us. In my sexiest come hither voice I asked if he wanted to come sniff bath soaps with us. His face was worth it. He turned bright red and walked away. So maybe start with the ones that have three eyes, don't take it too seriously.

Happy birthday to your daughter.

[CaliGuy]

GB

lol .. your way with words kills me ... and there is a big part of me .. the hidden one that is afraid of 2x4's that totally gets where you are at. There are nights I am totally comfy in my own skin and think of all the ladies I could generously portion myself out to .... then there are nights I feel like a beggar on the street wishing I could just get some loose change winks.

I think its the cycle thing, all normal .... lets face it we are all out of our element a bit, its like waking up in the middle of streaking through the quad, first you feel wild and free and naked .. then the cold sets in and you want to find a place safe and warm to hide for a bit.

You are a good one, you know it, we know it ... I am sure anyone who knows you knows it. Like you I keep private too ...there is peace in that, I don't need anyone coming at me wanting to twist the knife ... I am getting used to the way things are, just as like you .. you are still working through your emotions and thoughts .. we all have to figure this out. You'll be good ... take the ups and downs for what they are ... just part of the ride.

[Georgiabelle]

UR-thanks for stopping by. Your wisdom is genuinely appreciated by me and many others. I *know* logically this will pass, but this chick is in quite the funk. My original commentary was that even if Ryan Gosling was selling Samoas, I wouldn't answer the door. You are right. I would get up, play a quick round of tonsil hockey with Ryan, grab the Samoas, thank him and slam the door. That's my best offer of southern hospitality at this point.

Z-thanks for stopping by. I'm sorry you find yourself here although it's the best place to be when you feel like a do-do bird pooped on your head. It gets better. It really does. I'm just in a bit of a hole and I need to put the lid on the fungetti frosting and turn off Ed Sheeran's "Thinking Out Loud." I was going to say put on my big girl pants but I'm afraid if I keep eating I will seriously need those and that is a very sensitive topic for moi.

Cali- I'm going back to Cali. Don't call it a comeback, I've been here for years. Okay-a year. Remember when LL was a rapper? Thanks for dropping by. You are doing well :-). I'm glad to hear that and I love a good 2x4 in my honesty. Nothing says "hot" like splinters in your head. Much to the chagrin of some in my life, I do try to operate with honesty and candor. Maybe a bit too honest. And I sanitize my humor here as I have a very, very tawdry sense of humor. I'm not changing that:-)

So, I have a self imposed moritorium on chatting with men not firmly in the friend zone. It is needed and I think that may be part of my blah...a little withdrawal? I can't handle it right now. Really. I can't. It's too much. Although, in the last month I purchased myself an arsenal of scandalous lingerie. I didn't know they really made push up bras that put your boobs next to your ears Jessica Simpson style. I mean if you look in this drawer, you can tell I'm ready for ...something. I just need the VS wings. Seriously, I'm not sure why I did this. I mean I do look kind of sexay in it but what will I do with it? Wear it to the mailbox? The 77 year old man across the street might get a chuckle out of it. Walk the dog? Wear it to Target? The kids's hoops game? I know I sound crazy. I do.

Speaking of, the older 2 had a basketball game last night. I was really impressed with how D10 conducted herself. When she was younger, her inner Richard Sherman came out on the soccer field and I had to physically remove her from the field once. She conducted herself with grace and displayed good sportsmanship. I told her I was proud of her. That being said LeBron and Kevin Love are safe:-)

I feel a smidge of softening to xh and him to me. I don't feel much of anything for him at this juncture. I'm sure that will change. We have exchanged some brief pleasantries. I'll just keep driving my purple Yugo with faulty breaks on this high road. At least it has a vanity plate that says "CRAY CRAY"

I'm sorry that I'm not not sparking water. I am trying to get out the funk. Sending everyone positive vibes. Come on GB. Get Happy. That was a nod to the Partridge Family, peeps.

[BklynMom]

Bikini small
Heels tall
She said she liked the ocean

Even stranger then LL being a rapper is Queen Latifah - when she was dare I say radical.

I guess we all grow up

[CaliGuy]

Can I change your Nickname to Round-The-Way Girl?? ... .Standing at the bus stop sucking on a lollipop Once she gets pumping it's hard to make the hottie stop .... sounds alot like you!!

The Yugo visual had me crackin up a bit .... no doubt that Cray Cray license plate was blinged out

Shake off the funk .. must be the moon or the weather because I have been struggling with it for the past few days too .... then I just pretend I'm Ryan Gosling .... seems he is a big deal from what I've heard ... I need to Google

[uRworthy]

GB, you freakin crack me up. And thanks for your kind words.

Hey, aint nothin wrong with having some pretty lingerie..why the heck not?

Let me tell you, the 2 x 4's back in the day...were tough ones. I was thankful for each and every one of them.

So..the funk..happens to all of us. Sometimes its not one thing. Sometimes its everything. Because let's face it, this is not the way we thought our life was going to go, right?

But I know this was a journey I was meant to go on, without a single doubt in my mind. Hard as it was, and man, was it ever, I am so thankful for it.

I still get into funks, though. Sometimes because Im not where I want to be. Sometimes because I am getting ready to make a leap and I have some fear.

They always had some meaning for me, though.

And I always tried to sit with them some before I figured out what I needed to do.

I suspect you will figure it out and move forward soon.

Til then, "Funktown, funk you up, funktown funk you up." LOL!

[Georgiabelle]

Bk (Latifah sold out a bit, eh?), Cali (you can call me maybe:), and UR (wise like Yoda and generous)-thanks for stopping by. Geez! I really haven't felt this way in a while. I will work through this and I appreciate your support.

Pretty lingerie? Well, some of it is. And some looks like something someone named Corvette or Camaro would wear during a prime shift dancing at The Crystal Kitty. Did I say that???? I did. No more posting rambling missives for me unless I have something legit to say.

I do appreciate your kindness and support. I really do! Xo

[uRworthy]

Pretty lingerie? Well, some of it is. And some looks like something someone named Corvette or Camaro would wear during a prime shift dancing at The Crystal Kitty.

Oh my hel!, thanks for that. ^^^^. LOL! Too funny.

No more posting rambling missives for me unless I have something legit to say.

Oh, dont stop, G. Nothing wrong with having some laughs. Nothing at all.

[uRworthy]

Oh, and its Uptown funk you up, Uptown funk you up....Duh..I mistyped...LOL!

[CaliGuy]

Oh, and its Uptown funk you up, Uptown funk you up....Duh..I mistyped...LOL!

I was going to correct you on that but I have been working on not being a "Fixer"

BTW that song gets all the girls on the floor within 10 seconds, Smoother than a fresh jar of Skippy... epic line

[uRworthy]

Lol, Luke on being a fixer...good one...

Love that song and Bruno...he's a throwback for sure...

[Georgiabelle]

I love that song too (thanks for getting it stuck in my head, UR:) and I would break it down on the dance floor, Cali! I'm also loving "Sugar" by Maroon 5 (and I'm not typically a fan although I could sop Adam Levine up with a biscuit from time to time:) Or if he was at a pay phone trying to phone home.... I would answer in my sexay voice!

Hugs from Corvette

[uRworthy]

I would be right beside you on the dance floor, G. Sorry about the song.

I like Sugar, too. And yea, not really a fan, though I do like a lot of their songs...but yea, Adam, mmmmmm.

[Georgiabelle]

Ugh. I was doing so well and then HG started texting me. I should not have engaged or taken the bait for the last 2 days....... But I did. And now I feel physically ill. Just stuff said and didn't actually see him.

I feel like I'm going to throw up. The blah feeling of better than this feeling and I thought I would be okay this time. Grrrr.,,

[CaliGuy]

Hang in there GB ... no harm no foul.

I find myself dancing on the tightrope lately ... accepting I am single and yeah .. there are options .. I am not ready, but there are certain parts of my forming a mutiny line about to overthrow "El Loco" who is in charge.

Seems you have this new found freedom and are conflicted with it all ... I am no therapist ... but I can relate to that part of you. Late night after gigs .. even during I have "chances" ... I would be lying if I have not gone to the darkside just in thought ... may even .. dare I say flirt .... just to know what it feels like, missing that rush for so long. My halo has a ding or two just like anyone else ... don't be so hard on yourself ... HG is an ego boost to a point right?

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks Cali. You seem like such a sweet guy. We could be football and music buddies:-) I'm on a flight home after 6 days from my peeps and furry peeps. I'm ready to hug and kiss them!

I always wonder if anyone cringes when reading my posts. For the record, I do. Sometimes i actually blush writing them. I always try to be honest even if it feels like I'm completely baring it all. Speaking of, I've been texting HG and sending him pics ( no faces) of me in my skivvies. Wtf am I doing? This is a 33 yr old man. I'm a 42 year old woman with a 3 c-section tummy. Seriously. Mother clucker!!!Nothing is going to happen again just a temp distraction. I should say that I do look kind of cute in my skivvies. I digress.

I worked my booty off these last 6 days. Ex ILs had house deep cleaned for me (can I get a woo woo??). I don't feel quite as down. Work has been a distraction. Still feel kind of like I'm spiraling and if I'm spiraling I hope I'm wearing feathers. Yes, black feathers.

I've been keeping up with others. I know many are struggling and I encourage you to hang in there. It DOES get better. I would say don't do what I do although everyone has their own path to walk. My path seems to be littered with self doubt, temporary insanity, and cupcakes. All of which I need to just say no to at this juncture. Well, maybe I'll just eat the frosting off the cupcakes.

I have read where many of you have joined dating sites. Good for you and I hope it provides what you are looking for. I log in about once a week because I essentially feel like logging in gives me a raging case of the norovirus. Pretty much every message starts off with "I know I'm much younger then you....,," and then I want hurl....in epic proportions. So, I'm still not ready to date. I really can't be around males I find attractive and fortunately that is a small pool-like the size of the water left in the sink after you brush your teeth.

Hope the week is going well:-)

[Ggrass]

Gb maybe you should read my thread, I seem to forever doing the hokey pokey.

Yes we will ask rhc nope I ask the cute dude out nah, how bout waiting no rush till mates party when I can hit on one of the tesicles mob.

And inside my head I go round and round, sometime I even scream at myself just ask one already. Any one just ask one.

I got all the skimpy undies the fairy god mother took me to buy stuff like that ages ago. they would however fit better if I found a few less kg over Christmas and kept loosing a bit of weight.

[Georgiabelle]

And I backslid in the most epic way with a visit to HG last night while my x ILs were there. He works late and I left my house at 11:30 last night (everyone was asleep). And while it was an 11 on a 1-10 fun scale (because holy caca...the mere sight of that man turns me into a melted popsicle), I was a bit mortified to see my x FIL waiting at the door for me at 3:15 am. He said," are you okay?" Me: "I couldn't be better." And I kept walking back to the bedroom right past my former MIL who was reading her book.

WTF?? I swear I'm not sure what I am thinking sometimes and did I just do the walk of shame past my former MIL????? Did I??

Every time I do this it just makes me feel.....discombobulated. And yet, I made the effort to go get (excuse the crass expression but let's call it what it s) la!d......ACK

H has kids Saturday. Not sure if D will go but I will snuggle with my people tonight.

[CaliGuy]

GB ... you ... are .. killing me

I am a visual guy ... I have this visual of you creeping in your own house, all freshly disheveled hair all over and your xFIL in his proper robe asking if you are ok and you are all like "He!! yeah I am ok, better than ok ... I am fantabulous"

Walk of shame past the MIL ... priceless. lol.

Be you .... be ... YOU

[Georgiabelle]

Cali,

Thanks for stopping by. You crack me up. Here is another visual. HG is like 7 layers of yummy. I convince myself that eh, big deal. Only 7 layers of yummy? Should I hold out for 10 layers?:)

[Georgiabelle]

I didn't finish my post in time. Grr

Actually, each time I do this I try to evaluate (briefly I might add) how I feel. Does it make me feel bad? Sleazy? Free? Desired? Normal? Whenever HG asks me questions, I try to be honest. He asked me what I thought about after we had sex , I told him "nothing specific." When he asks "when can he see me again", I've noticed something. He says I don't respond enthusiastically but I feel like if I act like I want him, then he shuts it down. It's fine. It is what it is.

[BklynMom]

Good for you!!

Im sure the nonchalant thang is very sexy. Keep him guessing.

I think this fling its so healthy and awesome and plus I am so jealous.

[BrightFuture]

I’m jealous too. I wish I could do something like that. When I was young, in my 20th, I actually did something similar. I kicked my first x out and I had this BF, who was 2 years younger. Well, when you are 26, it is some significant difference in age, LOL.

Good for you, GB!

The visual of you passing your x MIL while she was reading a book at 3:15 am just made my day!

[Ggrass]

I love just bing able to talk to blokes h was always threatened by it.

He hated me having male partnered friends, pretty sure he was jealous of my gay friend male too.

[beatrice]

He says I don't respond enthusiastically but I feel like if I act like I want him, then he shuts it down. It's fine. It is what it is.

GB I love your postings and your honesty. A comment here though: when we are still healing we are likely to hook up with people who are somewhat damaged. It is good to bear that in mind. Not to rain on your parade - enjoy but be careful!

[Georgiabelle]

GG, BK, BF, and Bea-thanks for dropping by. I appreciate your thoughts. Bea, you are 100% correct. You aren't raining on my parade-like RiRi, I'm standing under my umbrella, eh, eh, under my umbrella. HG and I actually have several things in common (we are both loners-big time) and he IS damaged. He has had 2 relationships. He was engaged and she cheated on him with several of his coworkers and "friends" ( he actually walked in mid relations) and he still works with her. He said he has never spoken to her since he walked in on her and the "friend." The other was someone his friends set him up with. He came home one day and she had taken his dog that she gave him and left a note saying she had been pregnant, had an abortion, and wasn't sure if it was his. I don't think he has dealt with any of this. He just refers to it as having been through the "ringer." Oh, and he is exceptionally close to his mother. As in, they speak several times a day and he references her frequently. While a healthy R with a parent is good, my radar goes off on those guys whose Moms think they literally "hung the moon' and several sentences begin with "my mom said...."

Well, had a bit of an awkward exchange with X Mr. GB this am. He hasn't seen or spoken to kids in over a week. He gets there this am and walks back to the BR where I am getting ready. He sits on the bed and proceeds to tell me a new hire at his office used to be an assistant to the owner of a particular pro sports team and told me some stories. While these are things ex Mr. GB and I would discuss, it was strange as I was getting dressed and he just sat there. (I moved to the back of the bathroom to change shirts.) I looked at him for a minute-he looks haggard, skin broken out, and I have thought this for some time. I know this is mind reading and I also just "know" he misses something about me. The stuff we used to share-just funny stuff.

And to kick up the awkward another notch, I walked into LR and S5 said (in front of X Mr. GB),"Mommy, you and daddy love each other but you just aren't married, right?" Some of you may disagree with this although I just try to be as honest as possible without undermining or being hurtful, so I said, "Buddy, I think once at the rodeo of marriage was enough for Mommy. As I told you guys, I would like to meet a good person and have a R, but I think I will pass on marriage again." Ex Mr. GB said, "I just don't like discussing this S5." Of course he doesn't. He can speak for himself. I frequently tell my kids (because they always ask me about getting married) that I would like to meet someone one day and have a R, but marriage is not something I am interested in again...I of course could change my mind, although maybe not. Can't control the future. You hear that GB???? You can't control the future.

Trying to decide where to go for Spring break. Happy Friday! To all of you struggling, hang in there:)

[123Gwen]

GB - I agree with being honest with kids in broad strokes. Children who have been exposed to situations like MLC or divorce have to feel they have at least one parent who is honest at all times. Even I don't know is honest.

Happy you are feeling happy GB.

[RockJC]

Meghan Trainor's new album is fantastic. You should listen to her song walkable. It is too funny.

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks Gwen and Rock. Gwen, I feel happy in the sense that I'm grateful to be healthy, have 3 wonderful kids, a good job and fantastic friends and family. That is a great deal to be grateful for I believe.

However, honestly, I feel like a small train wreck. I've never been promiscuous-I've only been with a few people. And this may sound absolutely crazy...it's like I've said before. I just want to be wanted. And (2x4 me) in control. I know I only control me. It's just that I am struggling with this feeling of being completely out of control of everything. I know I will get through it.

[123Gwen]

I hear you about the whole control issue. We want to be in control because of how our lives spun out but yet there is something very comforting in being wanted and yes I think being somewhat controlled. This makes us feel wanted and loved or so we imagine.

I struggle with it too but right now I am just awash in grief and loss. I can't imagine a future. Tonight I feel so utterly alone. Intellectually I know I have much to be thankful for in my life but my heart is shattered.

From your posts you seem much more evolved than you think you are. I hope I can get to a place where you are as strong as you seem to be GB. It isn't perfection we are striving but rather honesty. Honesty is messy and real and beautifully imperfect.

[Wonka]

GB,

To put this in proper perspective....

Women are called "promiscuous" when they explore their sexuality with others.

Men are just "sowing" their oats or gathering "notches on the bedpost" when they do the same thing.

It seems to me that women are stuck with the negative label of "promiscuous" for what is a natural thing to do: express one's sexuality.

Don't go there--that dark view, GB.

You are allowed to take FULL ownership of your own sexual expression and it is to be celebrated because it's beautiful!

Geesh...those silly hang ups about sexuality and its expression. We are sexual beings!

[Ggrass]

Yeah, because of my louder out going nature I'm very much being talked about and gossiped about as picking up.

All of us here know that's not true but being in control of my actions and then feeling the need to talk up my life makes me laugh, not feel bad or cower.

[Georgiabelle]

Wonka- I've missed you. Go Pats! Great game. You are 100% spot on the way we view sexuality in men versus women. Thanks GG.

A friend texted me yesterday (and I quote) " FFS, chill out. You are wound tighter than (can't put that here). You need to get la!d". This is what happens when you have a bunch of guy friends. Minus the last part-he's 100% right. I need to chill out. Yes, Eric. I'm acknowledging it. I'm a bundle of energetic anxiety. Stop GB! Can I nominate myself for anxious a$$ of the year? Can I get a crown ?

I stepped on the scale this am and that did nothing for my anxiety. I promptly almost died right there in the BR. Pedicure and a run today. Closet cleaning. Snuggling with the dog. I will learn to relax.

[Ggrass]

Well control the diet, keep a diary.

Write in it. You will be suprised how much junk you eat when you write it down. I don't think I will lose this week given 3 days on the couch. Sleeping.

If you want diet support we do a fair bit in my thread, bit of other fun stuff too. Vanilla would say take up yoga. For diet stuff feel free to post in my thread, is become like ww at times.

Biggest tip I can give you is water and exercise will be your biggest friends.
Says she eating a piece of butter incrusted garlic with a small side of bread!
Medicinal garlic! Bread and butter is comfort

[kml]

Ggrass....generally good advice, but Georgiabelle has an eating disorder history, she would be better off not having a scale in the house.

[Ggrass]

If the truth be known anyone who has weighed over 100kg does too.

I've been all the sizes, my cupboard was called a shop, all the sizes in it. Part of getting better of something is practice. I gained my weight and lost it based on simple habbits.

Portions being kind to me, keeping track. Rewards for effort and achievement.

This last year I lost 20kg, hard yes and no. The bd diet reinforced all my bad habbits, now I'm coming unstuck, and becoming stuck.

I can gb can. She's far more awesome than me. I'm just weak human and ordinary.

But both of us give 100% give it to your self gb, your far more worthy recipe than your h!

[Ggrass]

I never think of these things when I do my first post.

On another note, how do you think top athletes become gold meadlists?

They plan everything, they measure every thing and they tune the how to attitude Combined with the actual practice of doing. It's how they become great.

I never knew untill I cleaned elite athlete accomodation how nitty gritty and obsessive they become. Now I'm not suggesting gb needs to be that precise. They balance everything hence they do diaries on every thing including diet. Balanced diet is just as important.

My main failure was gaining weight not 20kg in one hit, but 500g at a time, the way of not confronting that was to not own a scale to never check or be able to chart successes or back slides. At db thing that we can apply to ever day life.

Do what works, I know for me what works. I know programs like ww work because they are run by ordinary people like me who did what worked. They help others, they know where you struggle and they fell your pain.

Breathe gb, breathe if I can you can, focus on one small change each week or month. Do it for 30 days to form a habbit.

My biggest drama for gal was I fact my weight. It was my biggest excuse.

In no order
I could not go to friends as they would of effect bad food choices and I would get fat.
I could not eat out too many fatty choices no sugar free drink I liked.
Portions too big
Would cause me to feel pressure to eat, as I didn't want everyone to know how bad I was throwing up. 7times per day is pretty bad.
Social eating was/is like a social drinker one of my triggers.
They would drink (empty kj thus adding to weight gain)

How valid were my fears?

They weren't, I bought cans of soft drink so I don't have to drink sugary drink. So far the pub hasn't said its not ok. My explaintion will be I'm borderline diabetic and cannot have diet coke due to cutting down caffeine or a reaction. Either way my cover story is Preped.

So how is gb the gold medalist going to do what needs to be done?
What works for you?

Hear the applause? It's for you when they hang the medal round your
Neck, the feeling of success come first then the applause.

[Vanilla]

Wonderful post Gg.

Gold medal winning, on the podium.

V

[Georgiabelle]

I have a question. First, thanks GG. I do appreciate your tips and agree that it's sound advice. Please don't feel bad for posting sensible tops on my thread. Thanks Kml! You are right. I need to launch the scale. Hi Vanilla.

I'm embarrassed been posting this but will it really matter on my death bed? I'm thinking of asking HG if he wants to hang out in public sometime. We have don't that before. I realize he will probably say no. I don't want to marry him or anything. We already know each other in the biblical sense so I realize there is no need for us to hang out in public at this juncture. I don't know. Is this a bad idea? I'm prepared to be rejected. I've had a bunch of that.

Go ahead. Tell me I'm a dumb a$$ for thinking this is a good idea..,

[LoisB]

Why are so many of us overachieving perfectionists with body image issues?? And, we seem to marry underachieving lunkheads? IDK.

Just a thought.

GB,

If you are prepared for his answer (one way or the other), ASK.

I'm assuming you are thinking somewhere without your kids.

[Ggrass]

See I'm no help on that one, I have issues now from h, that means I will want to know some one really well.

Like really really well. And if things aren't totally different I won't progress to jumping someone's bones. I've suddenly turned total prude.

Scales are a tool, used right it's ok. Hey I do know scale obession, h total me if I were thiner he would be happier. It had nothing to do with me and my wants. Yet the ow is larger, it was about control and abuse. My eating been boarder line all year for health.

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks Heather and GG. Is it normal that I feel physically ill? I just want to have a little fun (yes minus my peeps) but I'm afraid (f u fear) that he will think I expect something. Argh!!!!

[LoisB]

Look at your motivation.

Why do you want to go out in public?

To me, it sounds like you are trying to inch-your-way towards a relationship. Test the waters?

If you think you may hurt this man's feelings by leading him on...then don't.

[Georgiabelle]

So I just asked and I got a "I'd LOVE that!"

We will see.

[Georgiabelle]

And I know I am just a posting machine...not sure what is up with X Mr. GB. He just sent me a text asking me if I remembered how envious (in a funny way) I was when a mutual friend dressed her baby up as Cupid and *we* hadn't thought of it first. Lots of "thank yous" and "I appreciate that" from him as of late. He did tell me at BD that Valentine's Day was the most important day of the year. Perhaps he is feeling nostalgic as he finally gets to celebrate the way he unbeknownst to me wanted to with the gf. I'm turning off the mind reading machine for now.

Oh and Heather, I don't think I would hurt his feelings. I'm not even sure he really wants to go. He just may have thought it was the polite way to respond.

[Ggrass]

That's funny re mr xgb. Must be a phase. I'm sure he stuff will be revealed in time.

[Georgiabelle]

Ack!!! I can't believe I asked him to go out in public. Yeesh. I think he said yes because he feels sorry for me so it's back to no contact with males not firmly in the friend zone. I feel ridiculous. Deep breaths. I just cannot look stupid. I can't deal with that or looking pathetic. Argh!!!!

Hanging out with my best friend on Valentines day.

When will I stop being crazy????

[Wonka]

When will I stop being crazy????

Didja mean Drew Barrymore crazy?!!

[Georgiabelle]

Warning .....Vent....much of what I'm going to say is devoid of logic. It is just how I feel.

I desperately need to get off this crazy train. I know only I can do that. I cried last night and this am. I was actually crying this am when x Mr. GB got there this am. I didn't care that he saw me crying. Some days I want to smack the a$$hat on the head. Most days I don't want to expend the energy. I felt better post BD than I do now. I hate the way I feel. I feel ugly, fat, stupid and I don't believe anything anyone says to me. While I appreciate kindness and support, I want to f$&king hurl when someone gives me a compliment. I don't believe on word they say. I know the only person who can change this is me. I do. However, I keep thinking.....am I really that bad? That unloveable?

S5 told me he missed cuddling with both parents in the bed. I just told him that I loved him and I'm sorry. I'm going to sound irrational yet again. Valentines day is almost here and x Mr GB said it was his favorite holiday. Oh yeah? Why didn't I ever get anything? I got him at least little stuff. Also, he moved out a year ago this week. When I told kids (because he was too busy tweeting) my daughter asked if we were having another baby. That still rips my hear out remembering their little faces. And the DB tweeted, " you think it's cold outside? You should be in my house. Everyone thinks I'm a bad guy." F U. What a $&@? Not to me but to his own kids. Selfish pr!ck. And he did take up with a woman who is facing a life time of electrolysis because she has a mustache. Did I say that? Hails yes I did and I don't feel bad. I know only I can change the way I view these "times of the year ." I know. Time.

I want someone to rub my shoulders. I want someone to ask how my day was. And I simply cannot fathom that ever happening. How the pho did I get here??? Grrrrrrr. Maybe I should have a breakdown on Twitter? Nope. Peeps would label me a loon- not a tortured, misunderstood soul.

I can't feel kind this much longer. I HATE this feeling of the crazy train. And I know, only I can get off the train.

Thanks for listening.

[raliced]

GB- I kid you not - I was reading this as I ate lunch in my car and self medicated with an Almond Joy.

I know crying is not normal with you (as we have commiserated previously) - so I'm sorry to hear you are so down.

I am not, however, going to call you "crazy". To me the only normal reaction to essentially being a single mom with three kids and lots of external stressors, including an X who sounds like he harms more than he helps as a parent, is to have the occasional freak out.

You're not actually questioning whether you are loveable because of your X's actions are you? I am just going to say bluntly that the tastes of a middle aged, spiderman shirt wearing man who has shacked up with a hirsute coed, should not be given much weight.

I'm not going to appeal to your emotions right now - you do seem a "little" reluctant to accept compliments or affection from anyone other than your kids. And, my fiercely independent friend, is not logical - you clearly have many gifts and there would probably be some pretty awesome guys out there who would enjoy all the awesomeness that is GB and would want to ask her how her day is....please don't hurl.

And along those lines, I have a hard time accepting compliments too, but they aren't really "hurl-worthy"...it's not like they're those Jane Seymour open heart necklaces.

Normally I'd say hang tough - but maybe that good cry is just what you need right now.

Be well.

Oh- and thanks for letting me use "hirsute" in a sentence today.

[kml]

You're not actually questioning whether you are loveable because of your X's actions are you? I am just going to say bluntly that the tastes of a middle aged, spiderman shirt wearing man who has shacked up with a hirsute coed, should not be given much weight.

ROFLMAO!!!! So true!!!

[Underdog]

Sorry for the momentary hijack, GB. But I just need to tell raliced I have a major girl crush on her. One of my high school BFF's and I both love the word hirsute, and we try to use it in conversation whenever it's appropriate. I need to tell her we have a sister in California.

I love hanging around vocab aficionados. I have spent a lifetime dumbing down my talents. I need to go find myself a local raliced. Well, raliced the guy.

Ok, end of my love fest. I applaud what she said, BTW. Besides, even when I was dating and happily married, I hated VD. Yes, I've *always* called it VD. It's a day when every other woman, man, child and animal is in the spotlight. It's always been really non-special to me. Give me my fricking birthday, hands down. I love being the Queen Bee on MY special day--to be shared with NO ONE. At least no one that I know. VD schmee dee. Give a f*ck. Take yourself out to dinner, have wine on... you, and celebrate that you're no longer married to a middle school boy masquerading as a man. Someone out there will think you're the bomb. If you want him to be hirsute, well, that's possible.

[Maybell]

I'm late to your party, but I wanted to say... I scrolled your thread backwards to find where you'd posted. So I was chuckling about the hirsute coed before I got to your post.

Since you don't want compliments, I'll just say... Tomorrow is the last day of Mercury in retrograde. Supposedly after this things will revert to their natural order. All us strong, beautiful, loquacious, verbally precise ladies will revert to our fabulous happy selves (and all the home appliances will work again, etc.). Sadly, our confused, disengaged, squandering Xs and STBXs will still be sad, confused, and disengaged. We can't have everything (I'm not even totally sure what "Mercury in retrograde" means besides astrological chaos)!

My boys are kind of glad I sleep alone. Now they both fit in the bed and don't have to worry I'm going to kick one out.

I decided this year I'm taking back Valentine's Day. I'm going to buy each of my kids a bar of their favorite chocolate and let them eat the whole dang thing.

Sweet dreams, GB.

[beatrice]

Tomorrow is the last day of Mercury in retrograde. Supposedly after this things will revert to their natural order. All us strong, beautiful, loquacious, verbally precise ladies will revert to our fabulous happy selves (and all the home appliances will work again, etc.). Sadly, our confused, disengaged, squandering Xs and STBXs will still be sad, confused, and disengaged. We can't have everything (I'm not even totally sure what "Mercury in retrograde" means besides astrological chaos)!

I laughed into my coffee on that one. Thank you for the posting!

Hirsute ladies: according to my gorgeous dil who notices these things, my xh's new wife (not the original OW) has that unfortunate line you get when you don't keep on top of the hair colouring process. I am small minded enough to cherish the image.

If I were meeting my new family I would make darned sure I was on top of that one . . . . .

[tadpole1025]

Hi GB...

You are strong. Hang in there.

As for the way you've been feeling: Don't be so hard on yourself. I've been at this three years longer and still have those feelings. Not as often as I used to, but I do. Time. Time is your friend and it will get better.

How the pho did I get here???

Wow GB. I almost fell off of my chair when I read that. I've spent the last week asking myself that very question. Really.

You will be fine. It just takes time.

Sending a hug and shoulder rub your way...

Tad

P.S...how was your day?

[RockJC]

You are definitely not alone. I could have made this exact post. You feel rejected, unloved and without value. You are desperately looking for validation from another man.

There is nothing "Crazy" about these feelings.

But, I think your friend is wrong. Self medicating with sex will not help. You will end up in a relationship with the wrong person, or go through multiple casual relationships that will leave you even more rejected and empty.

The truth is, you know this.

[job]

I agree w/RockJC's posting.

You are not alone in the real world or here, but what you are going thru and feeling right now is perfectly normal. We feel rejected, unloved and let's face it, like a toy that has been tossed aside and forgotten. All of these feelings are very normal when a spouse goes off the wagon and hits the trail for something "new". It's truly not about you at all but about the mlcer. He would have done this no matter what and he could have been married to someone else, a priest, minister, hobo, etc., he would still have done this. It truly isn't about you at all, but about him.

Right now, you are trying to fill a void of validation and wanting to be loved, etc., but doing so by self medicating with sex is not the way to do it. First off, in this day and age of STD's, you have to be careful who you do the "deed" with, second, you don't want to end up in a string of casual relationships that basically fill the void for a period of time and then rejection and emptiness come around again and again, the cycle begins once again.

You are far more precious and worthy of someone's true love and that has to start w/friendship and work up from there. You both need to learn about each other, share things w/each other and if the man is truly worthy of your love, he will understand that things have to go slowly and will respect you for your decisions. The right man will come along when you least expect it.

[Mighty]

GB!

Hey stranger. Sorry I've been MIA. Overload, ya know? Anyway... i've been catching up. First, I wanna say, raliced, maybell, underdog... they cracked me up. Loved their posts to you.

I think you are doing so amazingly well, gb. Truly. You have been walking the walk, and it's great. It's not surprising that you are having feelings that come and go and take you on a bit of a ride. You are far from a crazy train. Being put on this crazy train can take a toll. No matter how much you detach and do you, there is still a time of processing the gravity of what has happened in our lives. So, allow yourself to have those times. Heck, you have lots of good ones to balance it all out. Soon.... it will be waaaaaaay more good.... and the heck with the rest.

Keep working it, girl.

[Vanilla]

GB

Still not finished wading your and Maybell threads, I will one day!


Wanted to give you a hug (((((GB))))))

V

[Georgiabelle]

Oh wow. Thanks to all for dropping by my thread. I took a brief reprieve.

Raliced-I needed that. You get me. She is funny Kml.

Betsy-welcome to my party!!! Thanks for dropping by. I have a girl crush on Raliced too. Some days I feel like I'm on the crazy locomotive train and I really know only I can get off. I just feel out of sorts and I need to get it together.

Tad-thanks! I spent V Day with my bestie and 5 yr old. We had fun:-)

Rock, Job, Maybell, Mighty and Vanilla (sorry if I missed anyone) thanks for your support and advice. Mighty- you are doing so well!! Maybell- you too!!! Hang in there. I know you are both in a difficult place. Please know this is my irreverent sense of humor, but I'm not planning on offering up my booty freely. Yes, I guess I engaged in a no strings with HG, and I don't plan on self medicating with casual sex. It's not who I am. And I don't want to be that way either. However, no judgement from me for those that can.

And as you all know, I try to be honest. Brutally and painfully so. I sent HG a text saying that I was sorry but I actually kind of liked him. That should end said no strings R. Haven't heard back from him. He is such a guy which I like and things felt very intimate the other night and it was strange. Oh well. I keep saying I'm envious of peeps in Rs and I'm not sure how to proceed with even dating someone.

Ex Mr GB posted a photo of himself in the bathtub on V Day. He never took a bath in 12 years. Of course, some of my friends had loads to say about that but he does what he does.

I'm so tired. Not sure why. I feel so down and defeated. I know only I can work through this and I just want to feel normal. Or regular. Or whatever that is. Send confetti and a disco ball. Love , GB

[2BHappy]

GB,

I need to catch up on your Thread, but quck glance seems like you are doing good.

XGB and pic in tub? Wow,,,really ok?

Keep moving forward

[Ggrass]

Who knows gb hg might be just digesting.

Who knows where things end up in this craze world.
That's about a much wise as I have today. No expectations. see that whistle as more of a kiss huh?

[Georgiabelle]

2B and GG thanks for swinging by.

I AM going to get through this.....sanity intact. There was a song by the Quad City DJs (total cheerleading song) "Come on Ride the Train".....No, I must get off the crazy train. I want to ride a fun, happy train with music by Yaz, Depeche Mode, Pitbull, Kesha, and anything else I can dance too.

I've got space for all of you. And I am wearing a cute conductor's hat and some kicky boots.

[CaliGuy]

I was onboard till PitBull ... then I pulled that chain for the next stop ... LOL

GB you are doing ok, I think its all normal when you have your world turned inside out, you have new found freedom and have a chance to explore some things, try some new shoes on and see what fits, what makes your feet hurt and what makes you feel all warm n fuzzy.

I kinda laughed about the bath tub shot .... for whatever reason my twisted brain always gives me a snap shot visual and I have a horrible image of George Costanza with a rose in his mouth, rose petals and bubbles all over with candles lit ... *shiver* ... thanks to that I can be celibate a bit longer...lol

[Wonka]

GB,

Dang! Mr. XGB forgot his Spiderman t-shirt for the tub pic...that would have rounded it off nicely. Ah...pity he's no shutterbug.

[Georgiabelle]

Yesterday was National Drink Wine day or something of the sort, correct??? Well, I am officially in Drink Whine mode. I hate this-I do. I don't know what is wrong with me. I just want someone to want me and to be all about me. I am so envious of you who "feel good" and have put yourselves out there and are dating. I am happy for all of you. Really, I am. And I think this has taken a much bigger toll on my ego than I have acknowledged.

A friend of mine is going thru a D. She was married 10 years and no kids (fertility issues). She said she doesn't want to die old, alone, and bitter with cats gnawing at her face. That isn't my fear. That insatiable desire for someone to want me is raging and I want it to go the pho away. I cannot describe this feeling but I feel like I am driving the crazy train full force.

I'm sorry. I will work through this in time (I freaking hope). And I know I need to dig to my colon for patience...I just hate this feeling of no clarity? Anxiety? Loneliness? (even though I am rarely alone). I know I have vented a great deal lately and this doesn't help me address the real issue of I think I have always felt is I was in a R, then somehow I was "ok" or "acceptable." I never look at others not in a R and think there must be something wrong with them, but I do for myself.

I am typing this with tears streaming down my face because I just want to get through this. I thought I would be so much stronger by now and I feel ridiculously weak. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Mighty]

GB,

My dear. I totally get it. I feel you entirely. Even when my days are OK, I wake every morning feeling overburdened by those same thoughts and feelings. I go to be with them too.

I want so badly for things to get better, to be happy and at peace again. To feel fulfilled.

We are in this together. I've got your back. I know you will get through this because you are so amazing. You really are and I admire your strength, beauty, and amazing personality as you have been weeding your way though this.... whatever "this" is.

You got this, GB. And we have to trust in the others when they say it will get better. It has gradually since last year, right? But, look at how amazing, strong, patient, wise, and so put-together these who have gone before us are. We will get there. You have already made it through some of the toughest parts.

The rest will come in time. (God, I hope so!)

[job]

Georgia,
It takes time to work through grief. You are still having periods of grief and believe me, those feelings come out to play when you least expect them.

Georgia, you are feeling very insecure right now and it's understandable. First off, you are a very intelligent woman w/a heart of gold. Your h and his behavior have rocked your confidence to the very core. We all have had this happen to us...but guess what! When you look in the mirror, you will see a survivor, not a victim staring back at you. You will not see someone who is scared. You just have to work thru those feelings a while longer.

Georgia, whether it is your husband or someone new, you will find love again. But right now, you have to take care of yourself, physically, mentally and emotionally. You do not want to get into another relationship until you are healed. You want to go into a new relationship being the best you can be and not just to have someone hanging onto your hand/wrist just because you don't want to be alone. You want someone to be there because they want to be, to love you for who you are and who will do anything to ensure that you are safe, happy and loved.

George, it all takes time. You are trying to rush the crazy train down the tracks and it doesn't work that way. Rome wasn't built in a day and your healing process will take some time. I truly wish that I had a magic wand that I could use to wipe it all away for you.

[Wonka]

GB,

Are you feeling like "less than".....?

Have you fallen into the cyclic trap of comparing yourself to others thinking that those "other people" have it good?

Something to do with your sense of self-worth?


Am I hot, warm or frigid cold here?

[Ggrass]

Gb, those of us that have it together um yeah, nope, you haven't been following my thread.

I have about 5-7 irons in the fire to speak. No dates and very time something happens I get twitchy and antsy and come here and do a whole essay on why didn't the dang bloke just answer my floggen questions.

[RockJC]

For me, I have been separated about 18 months, divorced officially just over 1 year, dating for approx. 3 months and I have those exact same feelings. I don't know how long it takes for them to go away, but at this point in my journey, my feelings are very similar to yours.

Cut yourself some slack. You are completely normal.

Dating [censored]. Building new relationships is awkward. Putting yourself out there for the arbitrary judgement of another person is really hard on self Esteem. And we all thought we had put this phase of our life behind us. But, here we are.

I wish I could buy you that glass of wine.

When I read your posts, what I don't see is a support system. Do you have a church? Do you have close family or girlfriends? I would focus on building those relationships and avoid men.

Just my 2 cents.

[Georgiabelle]

Mighty (love you xo), Wonka (love you too), Job (and you:), GG(you too), and Rock (I love everyone who swings by here:), thanks so much for your words. Yes, Wonka, I have been feeling less than. Like.....I don't belong or I lost my place. Wherever that was. Job, I know you are right. I do. I very much appreciate your kind words and taking the time to read my thread. Your wisdom is invaluable.

Rock, you are correct. I don't have a big support system. I am very close to my x inlaws. I have a couple of close girlfriends and most of my friends are guys. And sometimes that gets a little....weird. I have reconnected with a few old friends and that has been nice.

Ready for a update? I feel better. I'm going to Las Vegas for work for 6 days. And while I miss my peeps, I have a 2 hour massage and a 45 minute hot oil scalp massage scheduled at the ultimate schmancy spa. That's right. Haters gonna hate:)

I have been helping one of my 2 girlfriends thru fertility treatment. She is solo so I go with her for egg retrieval Friday. This is exciting for her:)

Booked a Disney trip for Spring Break.

Ex Mr. GB is moving Saturday to.....a college apartment complex. Well, I know where it is and he said there are very few 20 and 21 year olds. I didn't say this to him, but they are mostly 22-26 yr olds because they have a higher grad student residency in that complex. I didn't really know what to say, so I said "That sounds nice." Because I couldn't really say, 'For the love of extra crunchy peanut butter, have you lost your mind? You are freaking 41. I had friends in that complex 20 years ago."

He did take the trash out this am which was nice and I thanked him. He has taken to wearing trucker hats. Prior to last week, I had seen x Mr. GB in a hat exactly 0 times in 13 years.

Thank you all for reading my stuff. I do appreciate your kindness, wisdom, and eye rolls. Seriously. I deserve the eye rolls. Hugs and positive vibes to everyone here:)

[Wonka]

GB,

It looks like XGB is going through his own Benjamin Button process. Just wait until he hits the pacifier stage! Wait...he will need to go through the bell bottom stage first.

[Mighty]

Gb... I'm gonna be in Orlando for spring break....

Just sayin...

[CaliGuy]

Enjoy Vegas!! I was just telling a friend I am thinking of a road trip soon ... thinking AZ to a friends place but Vegas does sound good too.

[job]

Enjoy your trip! It is a much needed time away for you even if you have to work while you are there.

[RockJC]

A vacation sounds nice. We are in a deep freeze right now in Michigan. I am jealous. I am taking my girls to Disney over spring break as well. Road trip in the car with my 3 girls, nephew, and mother-in-law. Should be an experience.

Enjoy Vegas!