No changes and my WAW continues to follow 'the script' almost like she is reading it as she goes. Probably the best thing that happened to me, so far, is learning about the WAS / WAW patterns and understanding how she feels rather than only to focusing on me. Thanks to all -- very enlightening.
An update from me and where I am -- I look back at the advice I got from 'sandi2' about three weeks ago and it really opened my eyes, more and more everyday, too.
With that, the last few weeks I have been convinced that I do NOT want to reconcile with my WAW, even it were to happen. Looking back on the advice (from Sandi2) the wife I knew and loved is long gone. This is a new person with a different soul. When I see her now I swear I feel nothing. I believe I should *at least* feel some jealousy knowing what she's doing but I don't. Nothing, nada, zero, and zilch. I don't have any attraction to her now and I feel great about this!
For me, attraction has always been based on personality and a connection built from there. Beauty has always come after that. Now I feel my wife is not attractive to me because she has become a person of different moral fiber with the decisions she has made with our marriage, our family and the turmoil she is causing in another marriage and family. This is the LEAST attractive trait a person can have in my forty-four years and primarily why I am not, nor have never been attracted to people like this. The advice I have been given is (that) once you try to reconcile, you are essentially starting all over again and dating a new person and this makes a lot of sense to me.
So, THE QUESTION FOR THE GROUP is this -- how, in everything that seems reasonable, would I ever want to date a person that I had find so unattractive? Does anyone else feel, or has ever, felt this way?
Happy New Year -- and thank you for the continued support!!
Oh...one other question! I have been doing more and more research about 'walk-away-wives' and what the means and is involved. Since my wife is leaving me for another man, does that make her a TRUE 'walk-away-wife'? I recently read an article that seem to suggest the 'WAWs' leave for themselves, based on lack of fulfillment in the marriages, etc.
... When I see her now I swear I feel nothing. I believe I should *at least* feel some jealousy knowing what she's doing but I don't. Nothing, nada, zero, and zilch. I don't have any attraction to her now and I feel great about this!
For me, attraction has always been based on personality and a connection built from there. Beauty has always come after that. Now I feel my wife is not attractive to me because she has become a person of different moral fiber with the decisions she has made with our marriage, our family and the turmoil she is causing in another marriage and family. ...
So, THE QUESTION FOR THE GROUP is this -- how, in everything that seems reasonable, would I ever want to date a person that I had find so unattractive? Does anyone else feel, or has ever, felt this way?
Happy New Year to you luvmypg,
You are filled with questions to start the New Year, aren't you? It's interesting that you don't feel jealousy or any more attraction to your WAW based upon her actions. How are you doing with forgiving her?
On your question on whether or not I could date someone that I now see as so unattractive based upon her actions, I disagree. My W is dating other men, with which I disagree, and it has hurt our family. But there is an essence of her that I still feel that binds us together, besides the fact that she is the mother of our children. I don't know if we could ever get back together, but I am still interested to find out. Which is why I am here.
Great question (read -- 'forgiving her?'). Based on how I have been feeling forgiveness hasn't been too high on my list of things to do. You know, its not all about what she's doing in terms of awfulness to my family and another, it is more than that...
She really changed over (at least) the last year as she went through her detachment. She's obsessed with the 'Bravo' channel now, which I can't watch because it is so moronic, and she spent a lot of time on social media, like 'Facebook'. It was like she was becoming overwhelmed with material lifestyles and everything that goes with that. The 'Facebook' thing bothers me because one can look at other people's lives and think (that) those 'other people' are living perfectly because Facebook is a fantasy. No one ever posts "...just had a huge blowout with my husband about his drinking problem then got in a fight with fifteen year child old about birth control".
It is all bullsh*t and noise and I just dealt with it because "she's my wife and I love her" (or felt that way at the time). Added that all of the was distracting her from being the super mother she was before. For the last year it was like she couldn't wait to put our daughter in the high chair, in front of the television, so she (wife) could go into our bedroom and surf Facebook with Bravo on the TV.
QUESTION FOR THE GROUP -- is this just me going through my angry phase? Any other feedback is great.
QUESTION FOR WET -- What is a 'trial' divorce and how did that work out for you?
I don't want to hijack your thread, but since you asked... On the "trial" divorce, my W in February and March 2014 insisted being on dating websites and regularly dating other men while we were separated. This was pre-DB for me, and I had no idea how to deal with it.
So it got to the point where I gave her the divorce papers and told her she would not be married to me and dating other men. W wouldn't sign the divorce papers, so I came up with the 'brilliant' (note the sarcasm) idea of having the trial divorce for 3 months, where we agreed to release each other of our marital vows.
On the positive side, if we did not do this we would be divorced by now. But W went crazy with her dating for several months where she was out every night, resulting in 2 of the 3 kids with her failing their school work.
A "trial" divorce is not for the timid. I did not fully detach, and my 'snooping' resulted in a major fight with W this past July. Since then I have little dealings with W, and this mostly dealing with our kids. Good luck.
Although I have been reading these boards for almost a year I am a brand new poster but I will give you my humble 2 bits.
It sounds to me that your wife is in a bit of a life crisis. She sounds like she is searching and trying to find herself. She may spin for some time and then settle down again. It's hard not to personalize it but really this is not about you. It's about her. If you can distance yourself and GAL. You may find that you will find more ability to forgive and feel some compassion. This doesn't mean accepting unacceptable behavior. It means stepping back, not judging and let her walk her path. Many use FB , TV and other things as an escape from the reality of their own life. Focus on you, your kids finding things to fill the void. Keep busy and make personal goals. If you change your behavior (180), back off, give her space, start living your life whether she wants to be part of it or not. She will notice. This is not a short journey or an easy ride. In time you may decide to stop standing and that's ok. Right now though I sense your anger is shielding you. Happy people don't behave the way your spouse is. You are not responsible for her happiness or her derailing her life. Try thinking of her as a friend that has gone off the tracks. We've all had friends where we needed to back away from them for a while.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
I am speechless. My situation seems pretty tame in pale comparison. I am sorry for the pain and trouble you must be going through.
On a positive, my 2.5 daughter used her potty today for the first time with me, this AM. Most of the pee-pee got on the floor but when I text the W what happened she (text back) how proud of our D she was. D was pretty excited, yelled 'I did it!'.
W has our D for the next two nights. I had her the last three. I miss my D so much when she is with her mum. Our daughter is my very most favorite thing, my #1 woman.
Oh and Wet, or anyone else, I would never consider (anyone) using "my" thread as an expression of their feelings and experiences as hijacking. The information I have gained and continue to gain is invaluable and I really enjoy hearing about what anyone else has to share.
Ok, this is a little off topic, but when we wanted our children potty trained we would drop them off at my parents for a weekend, and at the end of the weekend the kids were potty trained. My Mom's secret? She would have the child walk around naked for the weekend, and there was something about their nakedness that prevented accidents. Amazingly enough, it worked.
Ahh, pee-pee on the floor. I don't miss those days!
Awesome feedback! Thank you very much because it is clear you're addressing my question of 'is this just me going through my angry phase?'. I would concede there is anger. One of my biggest problems is that I've NEVER had a place for adulterers. I had two +20 year VERY close friends from college do this to their wives and I gave them (both) the burn notice. Haven't spoken to them since. It might not be my place to judge anyone who cheats on their spouse but I just don't see any value in a relationship with someone who does that. Now I am married to one. Holy Sh*t...talk about irony.
Its funny, I don't know why I feel this way but I have for a long time. I never really had any commitment issues and I come from a married family (i.e. mum + dad never did the big D. Did loose my father when I was 22 year old though). I guess that I have always just put a high value on marriage and what that really means to exchange those vows. Probably why I waited until I was 38 before getting married? Seeing friends marry and divorce when we were still in our 20's made my feel like (they) were making a mockery out of marriage. It bothered me, the marriage, divorce and getting married again a few years later...WTF! THAT is what dating is for. I digress.
I am eye to with you everything else, not budging a bit (180) and doing my thing. Making myself happy, more each day (it is not easy at first) LOVING the time with my daughter, and digging in at work and church Sunday. *FOR THE RECORD* I went to confessional awhile back and confessed that I had neglected my marriage for a long time and asked for forgiveness. ONE hail Mary. Further, the priest in confession that day is also the same one I have been visiting with for guidance so it is not like the person on the other side didn't know what I was talking about. I have a clean mind with my faith and where I stand there.
I also see eye-2-eye with you on 'your wife is in a bit of a life crisis'. I agree with you so much that I can't think of anything else to say, there. You are R-I-G-H-T on target. I miss MY wife, before the woman that emerged over the last year or so. I would have to confess if that woman, the woman I remember as my wife, started to show up a little around here I might be receptive to that. Down side, I envision that happening around the same time as the next Halley's Comet.
And yes, I now know and EMBRACE that (1) this is not really about me (2) I am not responsible for her happiness and (3) it is not my fault that she is doing what she is doing. DONE, DONE and DONE.
Thank you VERY much Karma(12). Super insightful. I knew I was onto something when I saw your 'poster' name. One of our two (amazing + super) dogs is named Karma. She's a good girl.
QUESTION FOR ANYONE -- I found a 'separated and divorce' support group that is meeting this Wednesday at a nearby town. Anyone have any luck or advice with those? I am thinking about attending.
*SIDE NOTE* I hope folks get some sense of relief from reading my posts because I truly am 'wearing it on my sleeve' and I write this way to show my easy side, which is hard to see sometimes.
ONE MORE QUESTION FOR ANYONE -- any experience sending an email or correspondence to their spouses affair partner, asking NICELY in a very genuine manner, to please not come to our house until after things are finalized? Everything I read says it is a slippery slope for kids in that environment and I am concerned about mine.
I don't think the OM has been here...yet. But I do have a feeling, based on the current timeline, that is may be in the cards within the next few months?
"And yes, I now know and EMBRACE that (1) this is not really about me (2) I am not responsible for her happiness and (3) it is not my fault that she is doing what she is doing. DONE, DONE and DONE."
I'm in a simular situation. These posts are really helping me along as well. One day I'm willing to forgive , another to move on. W needs to get out of the fog and come "home". Roller coaster ride indeed.
Just to be clear that I'm not calling you "luv" as a term of endearment, ok?
Originally Posted By: luvmypg
ONE MORE QUESTION FOR ANYONE -- any experience sending an email or correspondence to their spouses affair partner, asking NICELY in a very genuine manner, to please not come to our house until after things are finalized?
FEEDBACK?
Standing by.
Absolutely not. Do not contact OM under any circumstances. Do not acknowledge him at all. Don't even think about it.
ONE MORE QUESTION FOR ANYONE -- any experience sending an email or correspondence to their spouses affair partner, asking NICELY in a very genuine manner, to please not come to our house until after things are finalized? Everything I read says it is a slippery slope for kids in that environment and I am concerned about mine.
I don't think the OM has been here...yet. But I do have a feeling, based on the current timeline, that is may be in the cards within the next few months?
FEEDBACK?
Standing by.
Just caught up a bit on your sitch ... thought I would chime in.
As far as the OM contact .... never a good idea. As bad as I have always wanted that .. even an accidental meeting ... I know it would do nothing but damage, you would only drive her colser to him and she will defend him tooth and nail at this point and that gets you no where regardless if you want R or not.
The anger thing ... I will tell you for me... its fuel to get to where you need to be, detaching, not focusing on W, moving past some of the hurt ... at least that's what I have used it for. Its a cruddy place to be ... but what you are feeling is normal and beware its cyclic ... mad and angry for a few days .. level out .. then just having 'meh' days and can not explain why ... rinse repeat but with each wash its less intense.
"any experience sending an email or correspondence to their spouses affair partner, asking NICELY in a very genuine manner, to please not come to our house until after things are finalized?"
Honestly? You'd probably be laughed at by them. It's YOUR home. You DON'T ASK someone to not enter YOUR own home.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Mr. Bond, Caliguy, NGuy, and Wonka (you know you LUV me...come on!)
The good news is that you'd all make good attorneys, because mine told me the same exact thing. So if nothing else gained from these posts, you all might want to consider Law School! I actually sent my Atty a draft of what I was considering, and I was given praise for being able to write such a sincere note that had zero anger and only appealed to a sense of reason. I am happy that I at least wrote the draft and know that it was done right. To all / everyone's point, am not dealing with people that are sincere or have a sense of reason, or we'd probably not have our two families in this train-wreck of a situation. Regardless -- THANK YOU FOR THE ADVICE.
So as long as I have your attention, a little bit about my day. Like normal, since the separation began, I woke up at 4:30 AM. Don't know why am doing this, just know it keeps happening. I am sleeping really well now, aside from that, Can go to bed @ 10:00 PM and sound and quiet...until 4:30...like a GD clock. Anyway, sometimes I get something to drink, use the potty, or whatever but am able to go right back to sleep.
This morning, after I fell back asleep, I had THE BEST dream about my girlfriend from college. We were somewhere (hey it was a dream, cut me some slack) and we were happy and laughing as we laid in bed together (fully clothed nothing graphic I promise) and we were getting back together. She was SO beautiful and her smile and laugh seemed so real and vivid. She rolled over from me and I rubbed her back and she was so happy, I could see the smirk on her face. Then, she stopped, rolled back toward me, and pointed a finger at me with a smile and said "but we can't have sex for two months because it has been so long and we don't want to rush this! Okay?" (with a another smirk). "Of course!" I told her. "I am just so happy to be with you again". We laughed and kissed and curled up together....and then MY DAUGHTER started calling me "DADA....where...ahhhhhh....you?? DAAAADDAAA...?" I woke up and it was seven o'clock. I have been in a great mood ALL day for this.
I have questioned my psyche here, wondering if I was projecting an need from my W onto the notion of a past love, yada, yada, because I am such a cerebral dude and all. Then I stopped thinking about it and just enjoyed that time I got to spend with my past love, who by the way, was always the greatest love of my live until I met my W. We were in college, we didn't do everything right, we were young but SHE was such a great girl. My folks (especially my now passed father) LOVED her, and I just thought she was such a beautiful person. She was beautiful aesthetically but to me she was the most gorgeous girl because of the person she was (and probably still is). Great girl, great laugh, and was always there for me. Most of my four years of college and little after were with her, and I was lucky to have that time with her. Crazy to think I am giving her this praise after twenty years and she has no idea. What a strange world we exist in.
So I had THAT on my mind for most of the day, talked to one of my college buddies who knew my (college) GF well and told him about the dream. He thought that was great. We laughed and he agreed how awesome she was and that everyone (all of our friends) loved her...etc...etc...etc. So work was great with that on my mind, had a very productive day, then went to my buddies son's basket ball game. Now at his house, banging out this Tolstoy-like novel / post and thinking about bed.
I have no doubt in my mind I will meet someone Great, I'm sure when and after I do I will say "Thank You" to my X for giving me the opportunity. Funny I still can't get it out of my mind though I just don't want to. All the Love and effort that I put in I still want to see come back to me. 2x4 me.
I too wonder what 'that girl' will be like. I COULD say that they have all been amazing to this point in my life, but at 44 and the situation I am in, it looks like I STILL haven't had a successful long term relationship? They all started out great. W is still the 'love of a lifetime' -- nine of our ten years she was pretty amazing. For me, without fluffing my own ego, I feel like I am at my best, personally, career wise and my self image is solid. I wonder what she will be like...
Today was another solid day. Work was great. After work has been great and now jotting down a this update before bed.
QUESTION FOR ANYONE
Is it a sign of detachment that you need to remind yourself to think about your W and the situation? I am finding more and more that my mind is no longer 'defaulting' to this. Of course it comes and it goes but it seems like the frequency is lessening.
Standing by.
M: 44 W: 35 D: 2.5 M +5 | T 10 OM + Affair admitted 11/11/14 Separated 11/27/14
Well my 0,02$. Don't remind yourself, be thankful that you do not ponder on the subject all the time. Don't think about her, it really does no one no good, not you and not her...
Is it a sign of detachment that you need to remind yourself to think about your W and the situation? I am finding more and more that my mind is no longer 'defaulting' to this. Of course it comes and it goes but it seems like the frequency is lessening.
Not to me. Then again I like many here have struggled with it. I think true detachment lands when you no longer are affected by what the do or don't do emotionally. I can go a long time not thinking about it, even when a trigger happens that once would get me to .... its when she does something that temps me to react ... thats when I know I am not detached .. this too has decreased over time.
Is it a sign of detachment that you need to remind yourself to think about your W and the situation? I am finding more and more that my mind is no longer 'defaulting' to this. Of course it comes and it goes but it seems like the frequency is lessening.
Not to me. Then again I like many here have struggled with it. I think true detachment lands when you no longer are affected by what the do or don't do emotionally. I can go a long time not thinking about it, even when a trigger happens that once would get me to .... its when she does something that temps me to react ... thats when I know I am not detached .. this too has decreased over time.
When you realize they don't really care or they don't care enough eventually it won't be that hard.
Great thanks for insight from DaddyLongShanks, CaliGuy, and Vapo regarding detachment. Had another great day. Work again was busy and productive, 2.5 D was SO excited when I picked her up from DC, then we went to our close friends house for dinner + play date with their two kids. Their oldest (3.5 D) is SUPER with my D and they played great. We got home a little past D's bedtime, she wanted to sit on the couch with me for a few minutes then it was bedtime. She's been DOWN ever since.
I know I am doing a great job being her father these days. We have a lot of fun and really good quality time together, and the fact that she sleep so well means she is having fun, productive days. Tomorrow AM we go to the indoor 'jump park' with another friend and his 2.5 D, them pass off to W around noon.
Am pretty tired myself so can't really find the whimsical words I've recently been penning, but I do have my trademark...
QUESTION FOR ANYONE!
We've been separated since T-giving and I am REALLY enjoying this time...a lot. The first week or so I was still too focused on "my wife" until a wonderful + wise (member) 'sandi2' gave me the following advice...
"...you have a W who is engaging in a behavior that you will see has & will change her character a great deal. She is not the same girl you married."
It was like someone had explained the theory or relativity in a few paragraphs, and ever since then, my clarity has gotten greater and greater...and greater. It totally put me a peace with the situation. I think about it every day and it really helps.
So, the question is, does anyone have a 'general' timelines that I can expect before the next 'big thing' happens with my WAW, like (me) being served divorce papers, etc? I am very content with how I am living now, quality time with my D, the noise and stress from not being around my W is phenomenal, and the time I have to myself which I am using for myself (or maybe shopping or doing something for D). Again, I am living HARD on the 180 with only contact being that (which) she initiates (which is always about our D) and when I respond I keep it light, easy-breezy, and don't deviate from THE RULES, stick to the subject of our D.
So, ANY INSIGHT OR EXPERIENCE FROM ANYONE, would be hugely appreciated because I would be curious to know if / when things might change. Again, just looking for a timeline, "rule-of-thumb" for when the next 'big thing' or change may happen. I have my ducks in a row from a practical side (protecting myself with professional consult) so I have that angle covered, I am more interested in other people's experience after they have already traversed the same road that I am now walking.
Thank you for the continued support!!
Standing by.
M: 44 W: 35 D: 2.5 M +5 | T 10 OM + Affair admitted 11/11/14 Separated 11/27/14
You seem to have a pretty good grasp of general DBing guidelines and its good to see this happening early on in your sitch.
Originally Posted By: luvmypg
So, the question is, does anyone have a 'general' timelines that I can expect before the next 'big thing' happens with my WAW, like (me) being served divorce papers, etc? I
A word to the wise about "expecting being served with divorce papers" as it can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. You would want to focus on reconciliation and on how envision it will come about. Focus on how your words, actions, and behaviors can effect your interactions with W.
As for your question, here is what I have to say:
If I can change into God, then just maybe I'll be able to read the crystal ball perfectly. Who knows how your sitch will turn out. However, I do want to emphasize that your actions DO have influence on W and your situation.
We cannot answer this because we are not inside your W's mind. This process is different for each OP based on their personalities, backgrounds, cultural influences, etc. Some WASes do see how things are playing out. Some just simply push forward because it is very hard for them to climb down from this path and admit that they were/are wrong.
Unfortunately, as long as they get their "fix" or "hit" from the OP drug they're not in a reflective state of mind. It is all ME...ME...ME.
Having been around the boards for quite bit, I have NEVER seen a M turn around in 8 months or less. The average, based on my direct observations here, is usually between 1 to 2 years of hard core DBing.
All of this is dependent on the free-will choices of both parties and their intention.
Very wise words and I really value your insight regarding some timelines...and what may happen next.
Eight months (in the least), I can see that. The question I have, is there some point which I get to where I want my W to come back? Part of me feels I don't have a real place on the 'DB Forum' because as it stands right now, I have zero attraction to my W, and don't see myself being with someone which I am not attracted to. I don't want to sound like I am wasting anyone's time but honesty is the first rule here, right?
Just got back from a great evening out w/ one of my very close friends. We went to a local restaurant for dinner, a couple beers (probably my eighth and ninth beers, in total, since separation began) and some NFL playoff action. Now just winding down, thinking about church tomorrow and another quiet day to myself.
As always, looking forward to feedback, and appreciate everything that been brought to me by folks, so far.
Standing by.
M: 44 W: 35 D: 2.5 M +5 | T 10 OM + Affair admitted 11/11/14 Separated 11/27/14
In regards to my previous post, "is there some point which I get to where I want my W to come back?" because at this very minute I feel like I truly hate her.
To set the scene and understand why I feel this way, just hand a 'hand off' at our home, where WAW had our D for a few hours after picking her up from DC. While she (WAW) was here, playing / interacting with our D, they played out a scene from one of our D's favorite Disney movies, and my W began to sing to our D. Of course our D loves that and it makes her smile and makes her happy. A few minutes prior, D was getting upset because (she knew) my W was getting ready to leave. While WAW was singing, I had to FIGHT back the urge to scream "GET THE F OUT OF HERE YOU NARCISSISTIC EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING".
It was like I was angry at her for being a good mother because I don't feel like she is being a good mother. I am confident that her time with our daughter cannot be 'true' quality time because (when) people are in the depths of new relationships, lust, and the emotion that goes with all of that (like my WAW is in) they are only focused on the next time they will be with that person, the OM and everything else is a lower priority.
I was so (internally) mad at my wife, for doing what she doing, breaking our family apart and making our D feel sad like that, whenever she gets ready to leave. Maybe I am projecting my feelings on our 2.5 D? It is hard to say because in my soul my wife may be the least attractive woman I know right now. I detest her and the idea of what she is doing (to our family and another) and think she has checked out, and her perception of reality is skewed beyond the idea of rational understanding.
Anyhow, I of course did / said nothing. Stood by calmly with a smile and kept it ALL together. One-eight-zero is the name of the game and I kept the entire visit 'light and breezy'. WAW even commented on 'you dressing up for work these days?' because I had a meeting / presentation at the office. I liked my outfit (pressed white shirt, gray v-neck wool sweater, tan pants and my new favorite leather shoes). Meeting was great, work was great, weather today was great, and I felt AWESOME the whole day...until I felt the way I did about WAW.
Feel okay now, still feeling detached, knowing this person is not the one I loved and this is who she has changed into, and is still changing. It definitely helps to have this resource to write to, get thoughts down, and hear feedback from everyone.
So, to circle back, and dovetail this post I again ask:
In regards to my previous post, "is there some point which I get to where I want my W to come back?" because at this very minute I feel like I truly hate her.
As always, looking forward to feedback, and appreciate everything
M: 44 W: 35 D: 2.5 M +5 | T 10 OM + Affair admitted 11/11/14 Separated 11/27/14
In regards to my previous post, "is there some point which I get to where I want my W to come back?" because at this very minute I feel like I truly hate her.
To set the scene and understand why I feel this way, just hand a 'hand off' at our home, where WAW had our D for a few hours after picking her up from DC. While she (WAW) was here, playing / interacting with our D, they played out a scene from one of our D's favorite Disney movies, and my W began to sing to our D. Of course our D loves that and it makes her smile and makes her happy. A few minutes prior, D was getting upset because (she knew) my W was getting ready to leave. While WAW was singing, I had to FIGHT back the urge to scream "GET THE F OUT OF HERE YOU NARCISSISTIC EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING".
It was like I was angry at her for being a good mother because I don't feel like she is being a good mother. I am confident that her time with our daughter cannot be 'true' quality time because (when) people are in the depths of new relationships, lust, and the emotion that goes with all of that (like my WAW is in) they are only focused on the next time they will be with that person, the OM and everything else is a lower priority.
I was so (internally) mad at my wife, for doing what she doing, breaking our family apart and making our D feel sad like that, whenever she gets ready to leave. Maybe I am projecting my feelings on our 2.5 D? It is hard to say because in my soul my wife may be the least attractive woman I know right now. I detest her and the idea of what she is doing (to our family and another) and think she has checked out, and her perception of reality is skewed beyond the idea of rational understanding.
Anyhow, I of course did / said nothing. Stood by calmly with a smile and kept it ALL together. One-eight-zero is the name of the game and I kept the entire visit 'light and breezy'. WAW even commented on 'you dressing up for work these days?' because I had a meeting / presentation at the office. I liked my outfit (pressed white shirt, gray v-neck wool sweater, tan pants and my new favorite leather shoes). Meeting was great, work was great, weather today was great, and I felt AWESOME the whole day...until I felt the way I did about WAW.
Feel okay now, still feeling detached, knowing this person is not the one I loved and this is who she has changed into, and is still changing. It definitely helps to have this resource to write to, get thoughts down, and hear feedback from everyone.
So, to circle back, and dovetail this post I again ask:
In regards to my previous post, "is there some point which I get to where I want my W to come back?" because at this very minute I feel like I truly hate her.
As always, looking forward to feedback, and appreciate everything
M: 44 W: 35 D: 2.5 M +5 | T 10 OM + Affair admitted 11/11/14 Separated 11/27/14
There is a hate stage but you get past that eventually. I understand how you feel. Keep dressing clean and looking sharp.
Thanks DaddyLongShanks. Short, direct and to the point. Always good advice. I guess we'll see what time will tell. Dressing clean and looking sharp. CHECK + DONE!
On another note, W called me today, saying (she) wanted to be able to talk to our D (2.5) on my nights, before D goes to bed. I told the W, 'not sure how I feel about that' because it might be confusing to our D, and also my time with her is my time and her time with her is her time. She abruptly ended the conversation with a 'fine' and 'forget it'.
Spoke to a long-time close friend (one of the folks in what I consider my close support network) and he agreed with how I handled it. He went through the exact same situation with his (now D and re-married WAW) about three years ago, so he knows what he's talking about in regards to family, etc. Of course, all people are different so we both agree his situation is probably different than mine, as far as WAWs go, because all women are different.
So, any feedback for how I handled to 'phone call' request from the W today? Was totally calm and collected during the talk and continue to push forward in 180 mode.
Standing by!
Thanks, as always.
M: 44 W: 35 D: 2.5 M +5 | T 10 OM + Affair admitted 11/11/14 Separated 11/27/14
Thanks DaddyLongShanks. Short, direct and to the point. Always good advice. I guess we'll see what time will tell. Dressing clean and looking sharp. CHECK + DONE!
On another note, W called me today, saying (she) wanted to be able to talk to our D (2.5) on my nights, before D goes to bed. I told the W, 'not sure how I feel about that' because it might be confusing to our D, and also my time with her is my time and her time with her is her time. She abruptly ended the conversation with a 'fine' and 'forget it'.
Spoke to a long-time close friend (one of the folks in what I consider my close support network) and he agreed with how I handled it. He went through the exact same situation with his (now D and re-married WAW) about three years ago, so he knows what he's talking about in regards to family, etc. Of course, all people are different so we both agree his situation is probably different than mine, as far as WAWs go, because all women are different.
So, any feedback for how I handled to 'phone call' request from the W today? Was totally calm and collected during the talk and continue to push forward in 180 mode.
Standing by!
Thanks, as always.
M: 44 W: 35 D: 2.5 M +5 | T 10 OM + Affair admitted 11/11/14 Separated 11/27/14
Do it for yourself. Do a lot four yourself. Indulge.
Re-reading my last post and noticed (did not mention) W wants to 'talk' to our 2.5 D ON THE PHONE, before she goes to bed. Wanted to be clear about that, since we are separated, sharing the house during this time. Didn't want folks to think we are co-habitation during this time.
How we are working this = one of us is home w/ D on each of the nights with her. The other spouse is away -- I am at a friends house and she is at her parents house (or wherever) on those nights. We do this because it allows our D to be in her bed all of the time.
That's all for now. Hope that clears up any would be confusion. Now starting another day, waiting for my #1 woman (daughter) to wake up, start her day and take her to "school" (aka day care).
Hope this message finds any and all with a positive outlook. Take it from me, no matter how you feel, you will always feel BETTER! Thanks to those, here, for helping to showing that. Be mindful of your close support network, the people you can count on, and have a little faith.
Standing by.
M: 44 W: 35 D: 2.5 M +5 | T 10 OM + Affair admitted 11/11/14 Separated 11/27/14
luvmypg, I'm not caught up on you sitch, but in my opinion I think you should allow her to talk to D 2.5. Try to imagine how you'd feel if you couldn't talk to D 2.5 when away and all you wanted to say was goodnight or hear her voice. Also, D 2.5 is probably confused/worried as is. The phone call may help her to feel mom is still present and cares. As I stated earlier I'm not caught up on your sitch, but unless she has attempted to physically harm D 2.5 or is intoxicated/impaired when calling I think it'd be okay to let her call and talk for a few minutes.
Me:30 W:34 M:8 T:9 D:9 D:4 D:3 S:4 S:1 D bomb: 8/2014 S 12/2014 PA Confirmed in 3/2015 if I recall correctly
It has come to my attention that, while (me) away on a recent business trip (last week) my W had the OM over to our house, for most of a day (not overnight) while our 2.5 D was home with W.
While I understand that my W is not the person I once knew, I must say I am truly disappointed in her. I feel zero jealousy to the situation with OM being at our house with my W, but I am really worried for my daughters sake. She is the most important thing in my life and I want to see what is best for her. I realize my W has already made a series of bad choices but this really makes me concerned for how poor her judgement has gotten.
I have done some research and (have read) that is suggested to not involve new relationship partners in children's lives for (one source) six months AFTER divorce and (another source) even suggests am much as two years.
LOOKING FOR INSIGHT AND ADVICE -- PLEASE GIVE FEEDBACK.
As always, appreciate the wisdom given on this resource and hope any others in similar situations are doing as best as possible.
Standing by,
M: 44 W: 35 D: 2.5 M +5 | T 10 OM + Affair admitted 11/11/14 Separated 11/27/14
Mine was no OW in my house and I made it very abundantly clear to Ms. Wonka. I told Ms. Wonka in no uncertain terms that OW was not allowed in or near the house. I was very angry and firm when I communicated my boundary to Ms. Wonka. Guess what? No OW in the house as long as I lived in there.
Let me share a brief story about my late father. My parents went through a divorce when I was under 2 years old and my mother married the OM. Apparently, somehow, I took to calling OM "Daddy." When my father learned of this, he FLIPPED out and immediately went over to my mother's house to tell her in no undertain terms that he's the ONLY father I will ever know and that he's the only man I am to call "Daddy."
With that clear boundary in place, it put a stop to me calling the OM "Daddy" completely and incidently they divorced less than tow years. Goes to show you that As don't last long.
My boundry was I would not participate in an open marriage. Period.
The result? a long and painful separation and now divorce proceedings. I am still at the angry phase and look forward to it passing. But until then, I will use it to propel me forward.
My WAW is in her 6th month of her A and refuses to stop contact with her, so I had enough. That was my boundry. She chose the AP not me, not our two little kids.
I have read and been told many times that when WAW engage in affairs, they have already been checked out of the marriage for some time. I can't say I believe that, but it crops up over and over. Do you think it was a possibility in your situation?
Bottom line, to mirror Wonka, what is your boundary? How much are you willing to endure? That is 100% up to you and everybody is different.
I would agree that you need to state your boundary that OM is not allowed in your house at any time, even when you are away.
That was one of the first things I told my W when I discovered the A. I said if he sets foot on any of our properties I will call the police and have him charged with trespassing.
He has never set foot on any of our properties.
As for W phone D before bedtime, I think you could say you've thought about it and feel that it would help D deal with the trauma of the turmoil she is being put through. But then maybe that's just my passive aggressive side coming out.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
Sorry to report that I've not been away b/c my situation has improved. Safe to say it has gotten worse. Since last update, a few months back, the following has happened:
W has brought OM over to our house, with our 2.5 D, several times. OM has gotten an apartment and moved out of his house. W is over there every night she's not home w/ our 2.5 D. **BY THE WAY** My WAW has ZERO idea I know about any of the above.
As of now, my atty wants to file for D soon, because she believes we need to make steps to protect my D from being around the OM. Atty believes we can't / or should not have approached my WAW about the OM because my WAW is not in a logical state and we'd expose the upper hand. Sad to say, I agree with the atty.
I want to have custody of our D but only b/c WAW is making some bad choices. Don't want WAW to NOT see our D, just need someone to take control. I feel like I am on an airplane, something has happened to both pilots, and now I need to take over the situation and land the plane. Of course, my D is the passenger on this plane.
On a side note, WAW has asked to meet this coming Sunday (aka tomorrow) to 'talk'. My sources tell me that she's trying to let me know that she wants out of the M, even through she has never said that to me. She has always stood by the "I don't know what I want" position. I am confident that she's trying to get me to be the one that pulls the trigger, most likely for guilt, I would think.
Still haven't reached out to the WAW to say "I love you + miss you" or any of that. We talk / text regularly because of our D. Sad to say this '180' method really has not made any results since we separated 11/27/14. WAW truly believes she has found her soul made and continues on that path.
Otherwise, been feeling fine, doing as best as anyone could do. Spent time out w/ friends when not on D duty half the week. Work is busy and going well too. Just standing over the brink of what surely will turn into a battle when we move forward to file for the big D. Everything has been "quiet" since we separated so I assume that had to change at some point.
A lot here, a lot to digest, so if anyone wants to provide insight I'd be happy to read it. Sorry have been away so long. The board is a wonderful source of insight and I value any / all I have been lucky enough to share with.
Standing by,
M: 44 W: 35 D: 2.5 M +5 | T 10 OM + Affair admitted 11/11/14 Separated 11/27/14
Been reading this story and I can say I can only imagine your pain. Do you mind giving us a update on the current situation. It's been awhile since the last update.
It's interesting that you don't feel jealousy or any more attraction to your WAW based upon her actions. How are you doing with forgiving her?
