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luvmypg Offline OP
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Starting a new thread b/c the prior seemed to fizzle.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2516543#Post2516543

No changes and my WAW continues to follow 'the script' almost like she is reading it as she goes. Probably the best thing that happened to me, so far, is learning about the WAS / WAW patterns and understanding how she feels rather than only to focusing on me. Thanks to all -- very enlightening.

An update from me and where I am -- I look back at the advice I got from 'sandi2' about three weeks ago and it really opened my eyes, more and more everyday, too.

With that, the last few weeks I have been convinced that I do NOT want to reconcile with my WAW, even it were to happen. Looking back on the advice (from Sandi2) the wife I knew and loved is long gone. This is a new person with a different soul. When I see her now I swear I feel nothing. I believe I should *at least* feel some jealousy knowing what she's doing but I don't. Nothing, nada, zero, and zilch. I don't have any attraction to her now and I feel great about this!

For me, attraction has always been based on personality and a connection built from there. Beauty has always come after that. Now I feel my wife is not attractive to me because she has become a person of different moral fiber with the decisions she has made with our marriage, our family and the turmoil she is causing in another marriage and family. This is the LEAST attractive trait a person can have in my forty-four years and primarily why I am not, nor have never been attracted to people like this. The advice I have been given is (that) once you try to reconcile, you are essentially starting all over again and dating a new person and this makes a lot of sense to me.

So, THE QUESTION FOR THE GROUP is this -- how, in everything that seems reasonable, would I ever want to date a person that I had find so unattractive? Does anyone else feel, or has ever, felt this way?

Happy New Year -- and thank you for the continued support!!

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luvmypg Offline OP
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Oh...one other question! I have been doing more and more research about 'walk-away-wives' and what the means and is involved. Since my wife is leaving me for another man, does that make her a TRUE 'walk-away-wife'? I recently read an article that seem to suggest the 'WAWs' leave for themselves, based on lack of fulfillment in the marriages, etc.

So what's the call on that?

THANKS AGAIN!

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Originally Posted By: luvmypg
... When I see her now I swear I feel nothing. I believe I should *at least* feel some jealousy knowing what she's doing but I don't. Nothing, nada, zero, and zilch. I don't have any attraction to her now and I feel great about this!

For me, attraction has always been based on personality and a connection built from there. Beauty has always come after that. Now I feel my wife is not attractive to me because she has become a person of different moral fiber with the decisions she has made with our marriage, our family and the turmoil she is causing in another marriage and family. ...

So, THE QUESTION FOR THE GROUP is this -- how, in everything that seems reasonable, would I ever want to date a person that I had find so unattractive? Does anyone else feel, or has ever, felt this way?


Happy New Year to you luvmypg,

You are filled with questions to start the New Year, aren't you? grin It's interesting that you don't feel jealousy or any more attraction to your WAW based upon her actions. How are you doing with forgiving her?

On your question on whether or not I could date someone that I now see as so unattractive based upon her actions, I disagree. My W is dating other men, with which I disagree, and it has hurt our family. But there is an essence of her that I still feel that binds us together, besides the fact that she is the mother of our children. I don't know if we could ever get back together, but I am still interested to find out. Which is why I am here.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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luvmypg Offline OP
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Wet...

Great question (read -- 'forgiving her?'). Based on how I have been feeling forgiveness hasn't been too high on my list of things to do. You know, its not all about what she's doing in terms of awfulness to my family and another, it is more than that...

She really changed over (at least) the last year as she went through her detachment. She's obsessed with the 'Bravo' channel now, which I can't watch because it is so moronic, and she spent a lot of time on social media, like 'Facebook'. It was like she was becoming overwhelmed with material lifestyles and everything that goes with that. The 'Facebook' thing bothers me because one can look at other people's lives and think (that) those 'other people' are living perfectly because Facebook is a fantasy. No one ever posts "...just had a huge blowout with my husband about his drinking problem then got in a fight with fifteen year child old about birth control".

It is all bullsh*t and noise and I just dealt with it because "she's my wife and I love her" (or felt that way at the time). Added that all of the was distracting her from being the super mother she was before. For the last year it was like she couldn't wait to put our daughter in the high chair, in front of the television, so she (wife) could go into our bedroom and surf Facebook with Bravo on the TV.

QUESTION FOR THE GROUP -- is this just me going through my angry phase? Any other feedback is great.

QUESTION FOR WET -- What is a 'trial' divorce and how did that work out for you?

THANKS!

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Hi luvmypg,

I don't want to hijack your thread, but since you asked... On the "trial" divorce, my W in February and March 2014 insisted being on dating websites and regularly dating other men while we were separated. This was pre-DB for me, and I had no idea how to deal with it.

So it got to the point where I gave her the divorce papers and told her she would not be married to me and dating other men. W wouldn't sign the divorce papers, so I came up with the 'brilliant' (note the sarcasm) idea of having the trial divorce for 3 months, where we agreed to release each other of our marital vows.

On the positive side, if we did not do this we would be divorced by now. But W went crazy with her dating for several months where she was out every night, resulting in 2 of the 3 kids with her failing their school work.

A "trial" divorce is not for the timid. I did not fully detach, and my 'snooping' resulted in a major fight with W this past July. Since then I have little dealings with W, and this mostly dealing with our kids. Good luck.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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Hi luvmypg,

Although I have been reading these boards for almost a year I am a brand new poster but I will give you my humble 2 bits.

It sounds to me that your wife is in a bit of a life crisis. She sounds like she is searching and trying to find herself. She may spin for some time and then settle down again. It's hard not to personalize it but really this is not about you. It's about her. If you can distance yourself and GAL. You may find that you will find more ability to forgive and feel some compassion. This doesn't mean accepting unacceptable behavior. It means stepping back, not judging and let her walk her path. Many use FB , TV and other things as an escape from the reality of their own life. Focus on you, your kids finding things to fill the void. Keep busy and make personal goals. If you change your behavior (180), back off, give her space, start living your life whether she wants to be part of it or not. She will notice. This is not a short journey or an easy ride. In time you may decide to stop standing and that's ok. Right now though I sense your anger is shielding you. Happy people don't behave the way your spouse is. You are not responsible for her happiness or her derailing her life. Try thinking of her as a friend that has gone off the tracks. We've all had friends where we needed to back away from them for a while.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
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luvmypg Offline OP
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Wet...

I am speechless. My situation seems pretty tame in pale comparison. I am sorry for the pain and trouble you must be going through.

On a positive, my 2.5 daughter used her potty today for the first time with me, this AM. Most of the pee-pee got on the floor but when I text the W what happened she (text back) how proud of our D she was. D was pretty excited, yelled 'I did it!'.

W has our D for the next two nights. I had her the last three. I miss my D so much when she is with her mum. Our daughter is my very most favorite thing, my #1 woman.

Standing by.

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luvmypg Offline OP
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*ALSO WANTED TO ADD*

Oh and Wet, or anyone else, I would never consider (anyone) using "my" thread as an expression of their feelings and experiences as hijacking. The information I have gained and continue to gain is invaluable and I really enjoy hearing about what anyone else has to share.

Standing by.

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Congratulations on d2.5's potty training victory.

Ok, this is a little off topic, but when we wanted our children potty trained we would drop them off at my parents for a weekend, and at the end of the weekend the kids were potty trained. My Mom's secret? She would have the child walk around naked for the weekend, and there was something about their nakedness that prevented accidents. Amazingly enough, it worked.

Ahh, pee-pee on the floor. I don't miss those days! laugh


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 34
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luvmypg Offline OP
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Karma 12...

Awesome feedback! Thank you very much because it is clear you're addressing my question of 'is this just me going through my angry phase?'. I would concede there is anger. One of my biggest problems is that I've NEVER had a place for adulterers. I had two +20 year VERY close friends from college do this to their wives and I gave them (both) the burn notice. Haven't spoken to them since. It might not be my place to judge anyone who cheats on their spouse but I just don't see any value in a relationship with someone who does that. Now I am married to one. Holy Sh*t...talk about irony.

Its funny, I don't know why I feel this way but I have for a long time. I never really had any commitment issues and I come from a married family (i.e. mum + dad never did the big D. Did loose my father when I was 22 year old though). I guess that I have always just put a high value on marriage and what that really means to exchange those vows. Probably why I waited until I was 38 before getting married? Seeing friends marry and divorce when we were still in our 20's made my feel like (they) were making a mockery out of marriage. It bothered me, the marriage, divorce and getting married again a few years later...WTF! THAT is what dating is for. I digress.

I am eye to with you everything else, not budging a bit (180) and doing my thing. Making myself happy, more each day (it is not easy at first) LOVING the time with my daughter, and digging in at work and church Sunday. *FOR THE RECORD* I went to confessional awhile back and confessed that I had neglected my marriage for a long time and asked for forgiveness. ONE hail Mary. Further, the priest in confession that day is also the same one I have been visiting with for guidance so it is not like the person on the other side didn't know what I was talking about. I have a clean mind with my faith and where I stand there.

I also see eye-2-eye with you on 'your wife is in a bit of a life crisis'. I agree with you so much that I can't think of anything else to say, there. You are R-I-G-H-T on target. I miss MY wife, before the woman that emerged over the last year or so. I would have to confess if that woman, the woman I remember as my wife, started to show up a little around here I might be receptive to that. Down side, I envision that happening around the same time as the next Halley's Comet.

And yes, I now know and EMBRACE that (1) this is not really about me (2) I am not responsible for her happiness and (3) it is not my fault that she is doing what she is doing. DONE, DONE and DONE.

Thank you VERY much Karma(12). Super insightful. I knew I was onto something when I saw your 'poster' name. One of our two (amazing + super) dogs is named Karma. She's a good girl.

QUESTION FOR ANYONE -- I found a 'separated and divorce' support group that is meeting this Wednesday at a nearby town. Anyone have any luck or advice with those? I am thinking about attending.

*SIDE NOTE* I hope folks get some sense of relief from reading my posts because I truly am 'wearing it on my sleeve' and I write this way to show my easy side, which is hard to see sometimes.

AS ALWAYS THANK YOU TO EVERYONE FOR THE GUIDANCE!

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