Wife Walked Away 10 Weeks Ago

[Bob723]

My wife and I have been married 13 ½ years. I am 54 and she is 51. My wife walked away 10 weeks ago yesterday and filed for divorce the next day. I was gone for the weekend to see my son at college and when I got home both she and our dog were gone. We only have one car so I knew something was very wrong. I found out she is staying about 3 ½ hours away with her mom/stepdad. She sent me a text stating “I need space from you now.” We had an argument the previous Thursday night which I started and kept on for about 1 hour. I started it when she was already in bed and she asked me if it could wait until the morning. I felt she lied about something but that gave me no right to be selfish and uncompassionate and kept on. Anyhow, after a few weeks of being separated, our communication increased. My WAW even mentioned several times she was thinking of coming home for a few days to see how things go between us. I agreed and said I would like that. 3 weeks ago yesterday was the last time we spoke on the phone. I really blew it. I asked if she was considering coming home that upcoming weekend and she said “no.” I said I understood and then asked about the next weekend. After a slight pause, she said that she felt like I was pressuring her. I apologized, and mentioned I was under the impression it would be soon. What reason did she give for leaving and filing for divorce? She said she felt smothered by me and couldn’t stand the recent arguments were having. I understand her point on both. She has a neurological disorder so I she would need my help often and I never refused. But it sounds like I overdid it and started, in her opinion, making decisions for her instead of trusting her judgment. Our next court date is in about 1 month. I should mention that she asked me at one point to “get help” because I was under a tremendous about of stress. Like a fool, I did not listen to her. She knows I’m seeing a therapist and I’m on an anti-anxiety medication. She also mentioned many times (early on) to “Don’t give up on yourself.” When I asked if she thought could reconcile someday (I know now, not good to do) she said, “I’m not sure if we can make it. But look at Mike and Gloria (names changed).” Her point was that “Gloria” filed for divorce and at the last moment in court, changed her mind. I have been initiating contact most of the time with texts. I know it’s going to push her further away, so I am on day 6 of not contacting her. I truly have had an awakening because of all this. What else, besides not contacting her, can I do so she’ll believe I’m working harder on myself than I ever have? It’s tough because she doesn’t seem to want to speak on the phone. Could she be saving me from myself? That last talk I got emotional, and as I already mentioned, was trying to get her to come home before she felt ready. I wonder if she is leading me on. Only she knows, of course. Once, she briefly mentioned that "she'll know if I've changed." The only thing I can think of is backing off. My wife has MS and has said she feels "not great, but relieved" that she doesn't have to live up to my expectations or disappoint me. I apologized to her for coming across that way and let her know I always understood. BTW, I just finished reading Michelle’s book DR, it is excellent.
Obviously, she is depressed. The chapter about delaing with a depressed spouse in DR was helpful.

Any ideas?

Thank you very much

Bob723

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[Cadet]

Speak with Actions not Words.


Put the focus on YOU not her,
make changes for YOU not to win her back.
Those will be the things that she will notice.

[Bob723]

Thank you very much Cadet! That is what I am working on. I go to counseling weekly (sometimes 2x/week) and I am on anti-anxiety medication, which seems to really help. I haven't tried contacting her in one week. That is a 180 for me.

I pray she notices.

[happy1]

Give her space as you are doing and when she calls talk to her like she is your BF.

[Bob723]

Thank you very much for the support happy1. I am on day 8 of no-contact.

Take care and Happy New Year.

[Bob723]

My WAW wife and I had been in contact fairly often. Other than Christmas Day evening, I haven't heard from her. I am in day 13 of no-cotact. I know it's "dangerous" to try to think about what your spouse may have on their mind, but does anyone think that by me giving her this space she is reconsidering? I suppose it could be that she's simply happy not to hear from me. This is so heart-breaking. I still love my wife so much.

[mahhhty]

How are you Bob?

To answer your question anything is possible. Giving her space is a great start, but it is also a great gift to yourself, so that you can start making positive change.

Have you read Sandi's 37 Rules? I've found these very helpful. I

What about physical exercise? Do you have any hobbies? Or sports that help blow off steam?

Learn about the stages of grieving, about the Pursuer/Distancer relationship, understand her Love Languages, as well as your own.

Implement change in yourself and it will echo throughout your life. Eventually, she will notice. Once you change, the relationship is forced to change because you are no longer the same, therefore, she can't react to you the same way.

[Bob723]

Hello mahhhty,

I am hanging in there, thank you for asking! How about yourself?

Yes, I have read Sandi's 37 rules and have them printed out. They are very helpful. I try to go for a long walk daily, and I love most sports, especially ice hockey. Years ago, I used to play and coach. I recently went ice skating for the first time in years. Just yesterday, I sent my WAW a little text asking how she is doing. She said her stomach was hurting her (from stress, she thought) otherwise ok, and also asked my why I was asking. I wrote back, "Because I know you suffer almost daily from physical/emotional pain (she has MS) and I care about your well-being." Eventually, she responded, I hope all is well with you. I replied, "I prefer to focus on you, but I am doing well. Thanks for asking. I have a little surprise for you...I got my name on a waiting list to coach kids hockey." (I finally remembered that was one thing she really loved about me.) My the way, I am doing this because I WANT to, not to try to win my wife back. Does anyone think she'll see this as a positive change? She replied, "I that's great that you've put your name on a coaching list. I hope you don't have to wait too long. That would be great for you. Good work." That is her exact quote. Thoughts anyone?

Thanks so much group! You are an inspiraton.

Bob

[mahhhty]

As most people in here I have been better.

You are definitely making some progress and coaching again I think is great. However with another court date looming, it seems that she wants a D and you are both separated. Correct?

If so, I think it is fair to say that you should be working on some Last Resort Technique (LRT).

Although, your conversation was cordial, maybe even pleasant and it gave you some immediate contact, it may not serve the purpose you hope. I think you need to look into more detachment methods, and start living life for you, not for her.

[Bob723]

Hello mahhhty,

Yes, you're right. Sadly, she filed for divorce and our next court date is Jan 27. I was in the middle of a 12 day no-contact but finally caved in. Do you think I should do "no-contact" for a month?

Thanks!

Bob

[mahhhty]

No one knows what the future holds for you and your W. But I do believe that your chances will improve if you stop being the pursuer and become the distancer.

I reread your story and it was probably very difficult to hold back that long. It may have made no difference whatsoever. You just have to keep the pursuer/distancer dynamic in your mind.

What are some of your 180s?

[25yearsmlc]

Hello mahhhty,

I am hanging in there, thank you for asking! How about yourself?

Yes, I have read Sandi's 37 rules and have them printed out. They are very helpful. I try to go for a long walk daily, and I love most sports, especially ice hockey. Years ago, I used to play and coach. I recently went ice skating for the first time in years. Just yesterday, I sent my WAW a little text asking how she is doing.

I understand this^^. I really do.

But are you in the midst of settling things for a divorce or do you think she filed to "make a clear statement" and to wake you up?

Also the next part of the conversation means you missed a MAJOR point about Getting A Life, which is that you do it for YOU and NOT for them...don't tell her what your GAL are and fill her in as if it's done to impress her.

These will come across as "tactics" to win her back, (which will not last) and not as real permanent changes.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

She said her stomach was hurting her (from stress, she thought) otherwise ok, and also asked my why I was asking. I wrote back, "Because I know you suffer almost daily from physical/emotional pain (she has MS) and I care about your well-being." Eventually, she responded, I hope all is well with you.

**Also if you could write in smaller paragraphs, it makes it much easier to read. Thanks!


I replied, "I prefer to focus on you, but I am doing well. Thanks for asking. I have a little surprise for you..

Did you sign on, ONLY b/c you believe it'll matter to HER? IF so, it probably won't be viewed the way you want it to be. Especially since you made it clear it was about HER and NOT about you... or how interesting AND how interestED in the world you are...that's the portrayal you need to create AND fulfill (i.e. make it real)

I got my name on a waiting list to coach kids hockey." (I finally remembered that was one thing she really loved about me.) My the way, I am doing this because I WANT to, not to try to win my wife back. Does anyone think she'll see this as a positive change? She replied, "I that's great that you've put your name on a coaching list. I hope you don't have to wait too long. That would be great for you. Good work." That is her exact quote. Thoughts anyone?


See above. Try to cultivate an air of mystery and NOT tell her any of this anymore until IF and when she asks...

AND recall 2 things. YOU GAL means that 1) you are an interesting man and a good catch

AND

2) you are not being held back by HER illness, in case she feared you were.

What do you think SHE would say if SHE were here, about why she felt the need to leave?




Thanks so much group! You are an inspiraton.

Bob

[Bob723]

Hello again mahhhty,

1 of my 180s was not contacting her daily, or almost daily. Also, not bringing up the future at all. Finally, I stopped asking for reassurances.

Thank you for taking the time to follow-up with my situation.

Bob

[Bob723]

Hello 25yearsmlc!

Thank you for your post. First off, you're right about the long paragraphs.

I think she did file for divorce, at least intially, to "wake me up." Now, after 11 weeks have gone by, I'm not so sure. Early on, she mentioned a couple that we know who was in court to sign thr divorce papers, and the wife changed her mind right there!

I wondered why she brought that up. Who knows? To lead me on? Encourge me?

If my wife were here, she was say I became very argumentative, needy and I smothered her. Looking back, I agree with her. of course (except for the arguments) I thought I helping her!

Boy, was I wrong.

Take care all.

Bob

[25yearsmlc]

Hello 25yearsmlc!

Thank you for your post. First off, you're right about the long paragraphs.

I think she did file for divorce, at least intially, to "wake me up." Now, after 11 weeks have gone by, I'm not so sure. Early on, she mentioned a couple that we know who was in court to sign thr divorce papers, and the wife changed her mind right there!

I wondered why she brought that up. Who knows? To lead me on? Encourge me?

I would read nothing into it, but last among these ^^ options is leading you on. To what end? There's no advantage to her.


If my wife were here, she was say I became very argumentative, needy and I smothered her. Looking back, I agree with her. of course (except for the arguments) I thought I helping her!

Boy, was I wrong.

Take care all.

Bob

Not sure how arguments "help" her but the bottom line is, what are you going to DO to change? You cannot fix her. She's not within your control (never was).

You're here to save your marriage so if you want me to explain why it's YOU who must change and why it's YOU who must take the first step, and the 2nd and 3rd and 6375th step,

it's b/c you are here trying to save your marriage; and she's not.

Most WASs won't return to a marriage they left.......ever......


unless they believe that the marriage can be different/better than before.

It's your job to show her that. Not with words but actions.

What, specifically are you doing to demonstrate that? What's new or different about how you interact and behave and use your free time?

How are your GAL activities? And btw, saying you are "NC" is not nearly enough of a 180 to count. IT's more like "I'm choosing to DO NOTHING and calling it my DB work"...

there's more to DBing than NC...

[25yearsmlc]

PS

How old are you both, when were the dates she first discussed leaving and when did she file? You were served, right? I don't know how you can say she filed if you were not served or did not waive your right to be served.

Do you have kids? Their ages & whereabouts?

Maybe you can put some basic information in your signature block so we can recall the facts faster and be better able to help you.

What's the latest medical info about your w's MS conditions? How active is she at the moment? What's her prognosis?

The more we know the better we can advise.

[Bob723]

Hi 25yearsmlc,

I can't agree more. I have to change and work on myself daily. I'll go into more detail later. I am 54, she is 51. I'll have to figure out how to add a signature.

Later, my friend. I hope you are hanging in there.

[Bob723]

Hi 25yearsmlc,

First, I have a signature finally! Your post 2 back, I could see how, but you misunderstood this statement:

If my wife were here, she was say I became very argumentative, needy and I smothered her. Looking back, I agree with her. of course (except for the arguments) I thought I helping her!

What I meant by that ^^^^ was that I felt I was helping her - not being "needy and smothering." Looking back on my post, I should've said I agree with all. The more I think about it, I had become more argumentative. You are vert thought-provoking!

My wife's MS is the relapsing/remitting kind. So, sometimes she'll feel pretty good, other times very poor.

Do you, or anyone here, thinj I should send a text (we haven't talked in 5 wks) to my wife indicating I may have expected too much from her? With time to think about it, I realize her condition will probably not get better but that doesn't frighten me or hold me back?

One of the last times we spoke, she said "I don't feel great about this (the divorce) but I feel relieved knowing I'm not letting you down." I listened, and then very calmly said, "I thought I was supportive and understood." That was weeks ago.

A big thing occurred 2 days ago. My wife texted me and asked if I could leave the house for about 1 week. She clearly said, no, you cannot be there. She's coming in for a medical procedure and the doctor needs to see her in about 1 week. I thought about it for a while, and then texted, "please call me if you want to discuss this." The message didn't get delivered, so I knew she already turned her phone off. So, trying to show I have some dignity I texted her back basically stating she only seems to contact me when she needs something. I also reminded her that she is welcome back any time and I will not bring up anything about our situation. (By the way, my lawyer says I should *NOT* leave.)

So, about 3:00 AM the next morning, I get this text from her:

"Not necessarily, I've called you to offer support on you going to counseling and with regard to 7 Bridges (P.S. that's the hockey coaching gig). It would appear you haven't changed much at all. That's what I thought."

We haven't been in touch since. I had coaching sessions with Chuck and he impressed on me the 2 common feeling WAWs have:
1. I know my husband.
2. He's never going to change.

So, I realize I shouldn't have accused her of only contacting me when she needs something. I feel I have bent over backwards for her when she has asked me to send her something from our home (she's 3 1/2 hrs away), wanted a little extra maintenance, and a few other favors. Leaving the house I'm sure would've made her happy, but I'm afraid I'd come home and all our stuff would be gone.

My lawyer said she had heard of that happening. So, to protect myself I felt I couldn't give in to her request. Ironic, I thought about it today wondering if she was testing me.

Help! I can't take this emotional roller coaster much longer.

Bob

[mahhhty]

Bob,
I hear that you love your wife and miss her.

I implore you to read some books, see a consoler, reflect on yourself, develop real 180s (what did you do a lot of, what should you do to be a compassionate loving partner), and do things that make you happy.

Sandi's Rules... You have to act like you have had an awakening. Do not reason, implore, beg, justify...

Grieving is natural and you need to grieve and learn from it, but the key to this is to figure out how to work on yourself, change you and your outlook and negative behaviors. Become the happy person you were during the courtship. Then things will turn around. Become the BEST possible version of yourself, that is not easy!

Refrain from reaching out, especially to explain anything, and when you do talk things should be upbeat, light and happy (best possible version of yourself). Explaining is justifying, which is reasoning, which is off limits.

[Bob723]

mahhhty,

As always, you are spot on! I have been seeing a counselor since the first wk we were separated--but thanks for the tip. I have also read DR and may pick up DB, too. After my W's text about me leaving our house, I did respond in a confident way that I've moved on with my life--with our without her. That's something new for me.

You have an excellent point: "Explaining is justifying, which is reasoning, which is off limits."

I will continue to work on making myself a better person, especially working on self-esteem issues. I believe that had a ,ot to do with the mess we are in. I felt guilty about not being able to help my W more and a few other things which were no fault of mine at all. In the process, I believe I took it out on my W, not realizing it at the time.

The hardest part of this is living apart, not having spoken in about 5 weeks, and only ocassional texts.

As I mentioned above, I know I can improve myself and will never give up on that--for me. But, honestly, I still love my W and wish she can see the changes. Other than not pestering her with calls/texts like I used to weeks ago, I'm not sure how she'll be able to tell if I've made positive, lasting changes.

[25yearsmlc]

mahhhty,

As always, you are spot on! I have been seeing a counselor since the first wk we were separated--but thanks for the tip. I have also read DR and may pick up DB, too. After my W's text about me leaving our house, I did respond in a confident way that I've moved on with my life--with our without her. That's something new for me.

You texted that to her? May I suggest you run those types of contacts by us before sending them next time?

Texting isn't a great way to communicate and I'm not sure "Telling" her how you have changed really does much. Or how it came off.

Maybe it came off as punitive...can't say b/c I don't know how you worded it or if you did it out of nowhere, which would be strange looking.

You have an excellent point: "Explaining is justifying, which is reasoning, which is off limits."

I will continue to work on making myself a better person, especially working on self-esteem issues. I believe that had a ,ot to do with the mess we are in.

Rather than waiting til we feel better about ourselves (and then we hope we will BEHAVE better), why not begin Acting better now, and maybe FEEL better about it all, later on?

I mean, it's about how you treat your wife, more than how you feel about it, isn't it?


I felt guilty about not being able to help my W more and a few other things which were no fault of mine at all.

if nothing was your fault, what's to change? What control do you have there?


In the process, I believe I took it out on my W, not realizing it at the time.

Few of us realize at the time that we are scapegoating our spouses. What does that mean to you?

The hardest part of this is living apart, not having spoken in about 5 weeks, and only ocassional texts.

As I mentioned above, I know I can improve myself and will never give up on that--for me. But, honestly, I still love my W and wish she can see the changes.

the "math" equation of this is

consistent changes + Sufficient time = change she can believe in.

Do you know HOW you will show her changes when you do see or contact her?

What are your 180s? Be specific, please. IT's easier for YOU that way.

Other than not pestering her with calls/texts like I used to weeks ago, I'm not sure how she'll be able to tell if I've made positive, lasting changes.

That^^ is your challenge, isn't it? Explore it a lot and let us know what you want to try.

[Bob723]

Hi 25yearsmic,

Thanks for taking time to respond. Ironic, I did think about posting this to the board and asking:

I did respond in a confident way that I've moved on with my life--with our without her.

Then I realized it's one of Sandi's 37 Rules to (getting spouse to see we've moved on) and since I've never said or texted that before, and we are seperated I thought it was a good opportunity, because I gently let her know I don't have to agree to every one of her requests (I thought she might respect me for that.) But,I think I know what you're getting at: Actions speak loader than words.

Also, this most certainly is about how I treat my wife, more than how you feel about it. I have sent her things every time she has requested (4 maybe), given her more of a monthly allowance than before she filed (she's unable to work), etc. Back when we were speaking, I did by very best to listen to hear.

One thing I did recently was send her a hand-written letter detailing what I feel I've heard her say about how I broke her heart, and let her know that I empathize (without actually using the word empathize.)

I just re-read Michelle's "Last Resort Technique." One of the 180s I have done is quit drinking alcohol. I never drank much, but usually had a whiskey or vodka before bed. My wife didn't mind, but looking back on it I believe it made me feel more anxious. (I know alcohol is a depressant.) I quit drinking the day she left and haven't had a sip since. My W does know this and said she thought that was a good thing. Another 180 is I do not discuss the future of our marriage with my W. A few times, early on, I told her I love her. I haven't done that in about 9 weeks.

I understand the only way my W will reconsider is if she feels confident enough that I have truly changed. Somehow, I think she has noticed some. Why? A text she sent me at 3:00 AM the morning after she asked about me leaving our home. (Again, per my lawyer, I should not do this.)

Here's the relavant part of my W's reply:

"It would appear you haven't changed much at all. That's what I thought!"

I know, not exactly very encouraging, but the part "much at all" I interpret to mean she has noticed some change in me.

Thoughts anyone?

Thanks.

Bob

[25yearsmlc]

Hi 25yearsmic,

Thanks for taking time to respond. Ironic, I did think about posting this to the board and asking:

I did respond in a confident way that I've moved on with my life--with our without her.

Then I realized it's one of Sandi's 37 Rules to (getting spouse to see we've moved on) and since I've never said or texted that before, and we are seperated I thought it was a good opportunity, because I gently let her know I don't have to agree to every one of her requests (I thought she might respect me for that.) But,I think I know what you're getting at: Actions speak loader than words.

Read the rules again about how we are not to "point out" our alleged changes. They are for us, not them. Plus it will come off as premature at best. And it sets you up for failure, which is how she saw it when she said "you have not changed much at all.


Also, this most certainly is about how I treat my wife, more than how you feel about it. I have sent her things every time she has requested (4 maybe), given her more of a monthly allowance than before she filed (she's unable to work), etc. Back when we were speaking, I did by very best to listen to hear.

do you determine how much money SHE is allowed to spend every month? If so, you may want to discuss that with women here. IMO, that's mega controlling.

And out of date, but again, you can raise that with others to see if i"m being fair. I don't want to speak for others.


One thing I did recently was send her a hand-written letter detailing what I feel I've heard her say about how I broke her heart, and let her know that I empathize (without actually using the word empathize.)

How did you break her heart? THAT is the type of information we need to best advise you. Otherwise we are in the dark about what the "real" problems are, to HER.


I just re-read Michelle's "Last Resort Technique."


LAST Resort is for the LAST Thing you do, meaning that you do that approach AFTER you have tried the others.

What have you tried so far? You have not been at this for long. At least not in the DB world.

One of the 180s I have done is quit drinking alcohol. I never drank much, but usually had a whiskey or vodka before bed. My wife didn't mind, but looking back on it I believe it made me feel more anxious. (I know alcohol is a depressant.) I quit drinking the day she left and haven't had a sip since. My W does know this and said she thought that was a good thing. Another 180 is I do not discuss the future of our marriage with my W. A few times, early on, I told her I love her. I haven't done that in about 9 weeks.

GOOD

I understand the only way my W will reconsider is if she feels confident enough that I have truly changed. Somehow, I think she has noticed some. Why? A text she sent me at 3:00 AM the morning after she asked about me leaving our home. (Again, per my lawyer, I should not do this.)

Here's the relavant part of my W's reply:

"It would appear you haven't changed much at all. That's what I thought!"

I know, not exactly very encouraging, but the part "much at all" I interpret to mean she has noticed some change in me.

Thoughts anyone?

Thanks.

Bob

I think she's giving you a clue about what she wants you to do, which is to CHANGE. And hurry it up.

I do not see it very much as "encouraging" that she said "much at all."

If it were me, I would have said that to give lip service to whatever minor changes I might have noticed.

If I had noticed a specific change that I cared about, I'd have mentioned it specifically. But maybe that's just me.

Thing is, you have more work to do and I really suggest you Dig Deeper.

Can you do that? Did you say you hired a DB coach? I'm sure glad I did.

[Zelda09]

25Yrs, Bob -

This thread is helpful to read. Bob, I wish you so much luck...

25 - You busted your D, and your advice I've seen all over here is good...what can LBS do to demonstrate changes if there is little or no contact, and WAS is clear they want their space? Obviously respecting their wishes. But where is the opportunity?

How did you do it? Can you give us an idea of what it looked like over the years and what kept you going?

[mahhhty]

Zelda and Bob,
There is no easy fix to getting your spouse back.

You need to find yourself. Become the happiest version of yourself in a dark time. Identify the things/behaviors you did to push your spouse away, and make a conscious effort into understanding why you did them and to not act that way any longer. Become a compassionate caring person. Regardless of what you did or what was done to you. The past is the past, time to learn from it and move forward.

This is my 2 cents.

25 is much better at this than me.

[Bob723]

mahhhty,

You are very good at this. Sadly, you are correct. There is no easy way to get your WAW back, especially with very little contact.

I will continue to work on correcting the things that pushed her away. Last week, we had to speak on the phone (for her sake, but that's fine!!) and she mentioned she was stopping by our house to pick up a few of her things and asked that I not be there. It hurts--but the last time she made such a request I made the mistake of saying, "It would be so nice to see you." It must've made me sound needy. I should've waited for her to bring it up if she felt comfortable.

I wonder if she noticed that this time I didn't ask that at all and confidently said, "Sure, I'll make sure I'm not at home." If nothing else, I can feel good about making a small change.

Thanks again for your support!

Bob

[mahhhty]

I'm here for you Bob.

You have to think the worst. And the worst is that she will not see any changes, and you will get no validation for your hard work. Someone smart once said, do you want to be married or do you want to be right. It no longer matters who is right or wrong it is only about reconnecting.

When you do talk to her, even better see her. Use Sandi's Rules... Act as though you have had an awakening and that you are moving on. Have fun, crack jokes, be mysterious. Do not give her the key to identify what you are doing. Be the best version you possibly can and break the ice if you can.

From my own experience, it is really hard to be the best version of yourself for an hour, when you are still developing that person. But at this point, being that person as though you always were is the most important thing.

After you have read DB and DR, check out The Solo Partner. It is a great book with worksheets on the pursuer distancer relationship. Definitely a good read.

Good luck Sir. I'm rooting for you.

[Bob723]

Hi mahhhty,

Thanks so much for the encouragement and checking in on me. Thank you also for the book recommendation. It has now been 16 weeks, and theonly time we saw each other was about 2 week ago in court. She acted like she didn't know me.

I have been, and will continue to work on myself!

Oh, we did speak a little on Friday and I got her to laugh a bit.

This is so hard!

[Bob723]

Hello All,

Based on Sandi's 37 DB Rules I think I know the answer to this already, but I'll ask anyway.

Does anyone think it is a good idea to send my wife flowers for V-Day? We have now been seperated 16 weeks and she i still 3 1/2 hours away living with her (sorry, but it's true) controlling Mom.

Thanks!

Bob

[AJM]

The bigger question is what you think. ??

Does that seem in line with "leave me alone" and live your own life?

I think it would be a good idea for you to answer 25's questions as well. For example,

How did you break her heart? THAT is the type of information we need to best advise you. Otherwise we are in the dark about what the "real" problems are, to HER.

Keep in mind this is her perception of the "problem".

The other thing to understand - DB is about healing you more than anything. If the marriage is saved during that process, so much the better. What are you changing about you that YOU feel needs changing?

AJ

[mahhhty]

I'm with AJM on this Bob.

What do you think it says about you and your situation if you send her flowers? Also, why do you want to send the flowers?

[Bob723]

Hi AJ and Everyone!

AJ, I decided it was not a good idea to have flowers sent to my wife.

I haven't been logged into the forum much lately and keep forgetting to answer about what AJ just asked (others have asked, too):

"How did you break her heart? THAT is the type of information we need to best advise you. Otherwise we are in the dark about what the "real" problems are, to HER."

I broke my wife's heart as follows (in the last year or so):

1. When she tried to share her heart with me, I would respond either defensively or in anger.

2. I became critical of her.

3. My wife felt I was smothering her. I worried too much about her driving when not feeling well (again, she has MS).

4. I started making more and more household decisions without considering my wife's opinion.

5. I broke my promise to her not to bring up an incident that happened in 2009 (she walked out on me then, but did not file for divorce.)

6. I became very self-absorbed.

7. At times, I was angry, harsh or mean with my words to her.

8. My wife suggested several times I speak with a therapist because I was under tremendous stress. Deep down, I thought she was on to something, but I felt I could handle it on my own. BIG mistake!

How am I working on myself?

The very week she left, I started going to counseling twice a week, and still do. I made an appoinment with a pyschiatrist and was diagnosed with a mild anxiety disorder. He prescribed a few mild meds and I take them daily as prescribed. I feel like my head is much clearer - except for the fact I miss my lovely wife.

I also attend a divorce support group at a local church.

I have volunteered serveral times to assist "Feed My Starving Children." It is a great organization and makes me feel so good helping others without expecting anything in return.

I used to play/coach ice hockey. I have started skating again and have placed my name on a coaching waiting list at a local rink.

I rarely contact my wife. When I do, I try to be humorous and not discuss our issues or the future. If she gets upset about something I always do my best to "take the high road."

I meditate daily and have dsicovered that it really helps me focus on thinking positive, rather than negative thoughts.

If there's a genuine reason to compliment my wife, I do. I don't think I overdo it, making it look like a measure to win her love back. (I used to compliment her often during our marraige, too.)

I admit I'm tired now -- I'm probably forgetting something.

I'll be online again soon.

Take care all -- this forum is a place filled with so much love and support!

Thank you all so much.

Bob

[AJM]

Hmm... can you give a little more about this? Why did she say she left that time?

5. I broke my promise to her not to bring up an incident that happened in 2009 (she walked out on me then, but did not file for divorce.)

What's your therapist think about the situation?

AJ

[Bob723]

AJ,

Thanks for responding! When she walked out in 2009, it was without warning, just as now. She said she left because she "needed space from me" and "I was starting too many arguments." I never felt the arguments were frequent or nasty, but her feelings are her feelings. Notice a pattern here?

In 2009, I was, like last year, under tremendous pressure. I went for therapy then and my wife returned after about 1 month. Looking back, I stopped going to therapy too soon.

Great question about my therapist. He is the same one I went to in 2009, and he thinks both times she left were very impulsive actions and unwarranted. Believe me, I have not (either time) held anything back in speaking with him. I have been honest about my part. He feels my wife's depression and low self-esteem play a huge role in this. He has already asked if I could ever trust her again if she did want to reconcile.

I feel I could still trust her, as I am on a medication that really, really helps keep me from getting anxious. After both of these episodes, my therapist and I agree that my wife is hyper-sensitive. If we were to reconcile, I have to remember that and stop the unneeded arguing!!

Bob

[Bob723]

I'm replying to my own post. HaHa.

I stumbled upon Denver_2010's sitch yesterday. Can anyone explain to me how Denver_2010 reconciled with his wife? I've used the search function but I can't seem to locate what I was reading yesterday.

Thanks!

Bob

[AJM]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rted&page=1

At some point, you may have to re-face that question of whether or not you can trust her. Just because you have changed, is not the same as saying she has. There are two in the relationship, right?

AJ

[Bob723]

AJ,

Thank you so, so much for posting the link to Denver_2010's posts.

I also want to thank you for taking an interest in my sitch.

You have an excellent point about whether or not I could trust her again. I think about it often, at this point I think I can but tomorrow I may feel differently.

I hope you are hanging in there AJ!

Bob

[25yearsmlc]

AJ,

Thank you so, so much for posting the link to Denver_2010's posts.

I also want to thank you for taking an interest in my sitch.

You have an excellent point about whether or not I could trust her again. I think about it often, at this point I think I can but tomorrow I may feel differently.

I hope you are hanging in there AJ!

Bob

I guess the bigger and more relevant question at this point, is how she could trust you to make AND keep the changes going.

According to her AND you, you start a lot of arguments, you don't seem able to stop them even when she asks you to wait til later, you use stress as an excuse to be critical and harp on her, and you tend to take over her decisions. Since life always presents us with stress, what guarantee would she have that the next time you are stressed, you won't make her miserable again?

I understand that stress also exacerbates MS symptoms. So maybe she feels she must do this self preservation act of leaving.

The behaviors you admit to having, would be a drag to any woman. What are you doing to change THOSE things?

Also, given your history of throwing her past actions in her face, seems to me the trust question is misplaced. I mean, isn't the problem with bringing up the past just going to continue if you keep harping about your trust for HER? Isn't that an exact replica of behavior she cannot stand?

Plus, what's to trust? She tried to get you to stop arguing the night before she left recently, but it was the exact same reason she gave for leaving you in 2009.

So from her perspective, nothing changed in you, and lasted. Do you get that?

You repeated the very same behavior that got her to leave before. So, it's you who tends to not keep your promises. Doesn't she have a legit reason to not trust you?

Rather than nagging you about it, I'd just repeat my earlier advice and again suggest you GAL, learn to Detach, be upbeat and positive.

Dependence on her isn't an attractive or healthy trait, so when you post, notice how much of your focus is on HER and Not on your own life.

When she calls, you must be like a man who is busy GAL, on your way to meet an interesting new person, or do a cool new activity or explore a new beautiful place.

Always presenting as a man interested in life, and interestING to be around. A guy any woman would want to be around. A good catch. Know this and project it, and be confident without being cocky.

She will notice more, what you do not point out. May seen paradoxical, but it's true.

You may also have to "fake it til you make it" but that's typical.

I recommend 2 TEDTALK videos too. One is by Amy Cuddy and the other is by Shawn Achor, and both are about the power of positive thinking. It's NOT BS. It's based on actual data.

One novel concept is that

** instead of waiting to feel an emotion - and then acting based on it,

behave in a new positive way, and THEN the emotions supporting it, will come.**

Someone asked me here about what I did to "get" my h to notice. I did not do anything to get him to notice. Sort of the opposite.

I just really began to assume my m was going to end but I had arrived at a place inside, that believed that my m would likely end, but I'd be just fine anyhow.

I listed some positives of h being gone (less tension in the home, more "chick flicks" seen, no more toilet seats left up, easier dinners, etc.) Sure, at first the list was just about small things but that still helped. Later, the list included more important issues and bigger factors that made my life easier, yet without h.

When that^^ really sinks in, it tends to radiate from within. You project more inner peace.

I applied for some one year assignments overseas, which my d's were fine with. I saw that H noticed, though I had not pointed it out to him.

I saw that h noticed when I seemed happier, and I stopped showing almost any anger around him. (Thanks to my DB coach, who was a true Godsend to me).

(I forced myself to get/act a lot more positive around h and then in time, I just felt more positive for real.)

Back then was the first time I'd ever thought about where I wanted to live, without worrying about what h wanted.

I joined things, and (my GAL list is here on this thread I think. It's long.)

I volunteered, I auditioned for plays and shows in live theater. Took lessons, and I met NEW people and did new things and pretty much made myself happier.

This^^ is really the only way I know to learn how to Detach. Plus, GAL helps a lot with the obsessing behaviors. The constant preoccupation with what THEY are doing/planning/feeling/thinking... is not healthy. And it's counter productive.

There's nothing more preoccupying than flying lessons and or theater. (It is almost impossible to worry about your spouse when you are piloting a plane at 7500 ft, or rehearsing for a live performance, you know?)

Anyhow, Bob, you need to dig deep and really address those anger issues and the desire to control her. Have you?

Have you looked up that personal growth workshop "Essential Experience"? I think I suggested it to you. It's in Philadelphia, and they have a website. Anyhow, it's a 4 day workshop that is life changing. (I mean that literally).

A 4 day workshop that for ME, was like 3 years of therapy in one long weekend. Huge changes came from doing that workshop. So check out their website. (I think there is actually one this month, & they only offer them a few times a year.)
Let me know about your inquiry if you make one.

Otherwise, I can only suggest you work harder on GAL and not obsessing about her so much. As for "how" to influence her or show her your changes when there is no contact, It's not easy but since it's not supposed to be about showing them, you have to let go of it. They usually have to contact you for some things. And in those few minutes of interaction, you make the most of them.


Maybe you can think of the situation this way.

This is an "exercise" of sorts. Here it is:

Imagine she had passed away and years had passed. Imagine that

your grief had mostly passed...and that you are now happy, content, at peace.

What would that look like? What would you be doing?

You'd be Living where? Would you have a new job? What is that like?

Would you travel more? What about a new hobby? Or class?

Would you exercise more, or get a different hair color/style? In other words, how would you look?

Flesh out the situation in your head.

What would your life be like without her, but with you being happy?

Details.....details....get the images clear in your head.

And now see, what of those^^ things, you can do now?

[25yearsmlc]

Hi AJ and Everyone!

AJ, I decided it was not a good idea to have flowers sent to my wife.

I haven't been logged into the forum much lately and keep forgetting to answer about what AJ just asked (others have asked, too):

"How did you break her heart? THAT is the type of information we need to best advise you. Otherwise we are in the dark about what the "real" problems are, to HER."

I broke my wife's heart as follows (in the last year or so):

1. When she tried to share her heart with me, I would respond either defensively or in anger.

How will you react differently, from this day forward?

2. I became critical of her.

How will this change? It's Not a small thing, btw.

3. My wife felt I was smothering her. I worried too much about her driving when not feeling well (again, she has MS).

What's different in your attitude, now? I mean, she still have MS and eventually it could worsen. How are you going to refrain from taking over?

4. I started making more and more household decisions without considering my wife's opinion.

See above.

5. I broke my promise to her not to bring up an incident that happened in 2009 (she walked out on me then, but did not file for divorce.)

Hmm, I would think she's got double the fears of you throwing this episode in her face, now.

If you refused to let go of the past then, why wouldn't you do the same thing now?

It's ironic too. She left you before, for pretty much the same exact reasons that she left you this past year.

So instead of you taking the opportunity to make AND keep your changes going, the changes that pushed her out the door, you made it as if you were the "victim". AND you blamed her for it as if she wronged you, and you brought it up repeatedly, even after she asked you to stop.

(Are you sure it's you who has the trust issue, and not her?)


6. I became very self-absorbed.

How so? And how are you different now?

7. At times, I was angry, harsh or mean with my words to her.

Okay, so your ill wife, who will likely increase in her needs, was the target of your abuse, temper and criticism.

That would be a bitter pill to swallow if one must contemplate that their illness is likely to progress...along with their needs.

Can you honestly work on NOT doing any of those things, from this day forward?
That is a minimum.

Also Have you ever apologized to her for the specific things you want to own?

(If not, please post your ideas here before writing or talking to her about it, b/c there are ways to do it and surely many ways NOT to. Make sense?


8. My [b]wife suggested several times I speak with a therapist because[/b] I was under tremendous stress. Deep down, I thought she was on to something, but I felt I could handle it on my own. BIG mistake!


You say you were under tremendous stress" but life throws curve balls all the time, so it's a given that stress WILL happen again.

How are you going to manage it better?

If she knows you are in therapy, and she is glad, then just BE CALMER and MORE UPBEAT every single time you two interact. Don't backslide.




How am I working on myself?

The very week she left, I started going to counseling twice a week, and still do.

What are you learning in there? What are you working on? Are you changing? how so?

I made an appoinment with a pyschiatrist and was diagnosed with a mild anxiety disorder. He prescribed a few mild meds and I take them daily as prescribed. I feel like my head is much clearer - except for the fact I miss my lovely wife.

This ^^ is all good, but somehow I'm struck by the impression that you are minimizing things here. Just a hunch. What do you think? You think your wife left b/c you have a "mild" anxiety problem?


I also attend a divorce support group at a local church.

I have volunteered serveral times to assist "Feed My Starving Children." It is a great organization and makes me feel so good helping others without expecting anything in return.


^^ All sounds great.


I used to play/coach ice hockey. I have started skating again and have placed my name on a coaching waiting list at a local rink.

I rarely contact my wife. When I do, I try to be humorous and not discuss our issues or the future. If she gets upset about something I always do my best to "take the high road."

What does this^^ mean? Examples?

I meditate daily and have discovered that it really helps me focus on thinking positive, rather than negative thoughts.


Makes sense to me.

If there's a genuine reason to compliment my wife, I do. I don't think I overdo it, making it look like a measure to win her love back. (I used to compliment her often during our marriage, too.)

I understand that you don't want to over do it. But is it unreasonable to compliment your wife? What do you mean "IF there is a genuine reason"?

it costs you nothing. If you have read the "Five Love Languages" book (by Chapman), I wonder if you can tell us what you think HER Love languages are.

How does she SHOW her love and how does she Receive it?


I admit I'm tired now -- I'm probably forgetting something.

I'll be online again soon.

Take care all -- this forum is a place filled with so much love and support!

Thank you all so much.

Bob

Good luck Bob. I hope this wasn't too harsh but I have to sometimes go with my hunches. And I have a hunch that you are glossing over too many things.

Dig deep and be brave. It's hard to do but having your marriage end when you want it to last, is harder.

[Bob723]

Dear 25,

You were not being too harsh at all. Thank you so, so much for checking on me. I don't have much time now, so I hope to post later. You bring up some great points - wonderful advice.

When we do speak (very limited) I am upbeat without over-doing it (I think!). I am on my 17th week of counseling and take anti-enxiety medication daily as prescribed. I have read "You Can Heal Your Life" and found it very helpful.

The folks on this forum are right - you are amazing.

Thanks again 25. I'll try to add more detail later today or tomorrow.

Bob

[Bob723]

I'm adding a little to my post from yesterday. I had to contact my WAW (via text for the record) asking her to cancel our landline -- it's in her name and she hasn't been following thru. Anyway, she finally replied and said she did. I probably should've run this by the group, but since I had her attention, I sent her this text:

"If you're sure you'll be happy never seeing me again then so be it. We had a great run together, didn't we?"

Now, for the record, she has never said she'll be happy never seeing me again. Sometimes, when we do speak, I might blurt out that I miss her and she replies immediately that she misses me, too. It sounds so sincere. Who knows except my wife? I'm sure this makes her think I'm trying to get her to change her mind about the D.

So, here is her reply to my text ^^^ the last paragraph:
"A pretty fair one, I'd say. Now, I just need my life back, and if you don't get what that means, maybe ask your counselor. Ciao"

I have already asked my therapist what that means and he said it means different things to different people, and that he thinks I deserve to know what she means by that. She has not replied.

Anyone out there, especially the ladies, have any idea what she might mean? I think my over-protectiveness of her (she has MS) is the main issue. Now, I know how wrong I was but she either refuses to believe me or has emotionally moved on.

I am so heart-broken. Nothing or nobody in this world means more to me than my wife, children and step-children. And yes, I have mentioned this to my wife.

I hope things are getting better for all of you! Hang in there.

Bob

[mahhhty]

Bob, You got amazing information and advice from 25. In reading your text conversation, I think you may have missed some of it.

"If you're sure you'll be happy never seeing me again then so be it. We had a great run together, didn't we?"

So, here is her reply to my text ^^^ the last paragraph:
"A pretty fair one, I'd say. Now, I just need my life back, and if you don't get what that means, maybe ask your counselor. Ciao"

Do you see this as you requiring validation from her (aka putting pressure on her) that you "had a good run?" She left b/c she didn't want to feel pressure from you. You have just reinforced that you haven't changed and continue to pressure/pursue her. Similarly, you did it condescendingly by stating "If you're sure you'll be happy never seeing me again then so be it." Like you said, she's never said that to you. So why say it? Did you want her to confirm or deny that she never wants to see you?

In regards to "I just need my life back" -- You'll never know exactly how she feels until she tells you, and you are able to listen. However, asking her to tell you is another form of pressure or pursuit... Two things you are supposed to limit unless there is an emergency.

I think you are making obvious progress. I think you should continue to try to learn and diagnose your actions and behaviors in the big picture.

[Bob723]

Mahhhty,

You're right, I did get great advice from 25. And your comments have really opened my eyes. Without realizing it, I am pressuring my wife.

I will speak to my therapist about this during my next appointment.

I can't tell you how much yours and everyone's support means to me.

Take care and thank you.

Bob

[25yearsmlc]

Bob

Here is another possible way to see your interactions...

I'm adding a little to my post from yesterday. I had to contact my WAW (via text for the record) asking her to cancel our landline -- it's in her name and she hasn't been following thru.

If it is in HER name, why are you involved in this, at all?

Can you detect your own critical intent in your wording "she hasn't been following thru" = "She failed" ??

Can you see how SHE might think, "Oh, gee, more of the same from h, AGAIN"...?


Anyway, she finally replied and said she did. I probably should've run this by the group, but since I had her attention, I sent her this text:


OR to put another way, "Since I had her attention, I WENT IN FOR MORE & THEN SHOWED MY CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR AGAIN

"If you're sure you'll be happy never seeing me again then so be it. We had a great run together, didn't we?"


These^^^ are not the words of a secure or healthy man. They are words that look like attempts by you to pressure her AND OR to punish her.

"If you are SO SURE blah blah blah, then that's it. I'm GONE!"...

What was your goal in saying that? (Esp since you admit SHE never said that anyway) and btw I think you are lucky she did not take the bait - and say "Good bye forever."


Now, for the record, she has never said she'll be happy never seeing me again. Sometimes, when we do speak, I might blurt out

I know this ^^ won't be easy, but it is SIMPLE (= not complex),

but STOP "BLURTING" things out. Just stop it. It's very destructive.


that I miss her and she replies immediately that she misses me, too. It sounds so sincere. Who knows except my wife?

Ah, so your comment was an attempt to get reassurances from her? At best, that seems like lousy timing to me.

I'm sure this makes her think I'm trying to get her to change her mind about the D.


Well, among other things, of course it does. And it was, in part, exactly that.

So, here is her reply to my text ^^^ the last paragraph:
"A pretty fair one, I'd say. Now, I just need my life back, and if you don't get what that means, maybe ask your counselor. Ciao"

I have already asked my therapist what that means and he said it means different things to different people, and that he thinks I deserve to know what she means by that. She has not replied.


IMO, you should Back WAY off and leave her alone. It means she wants self rule.

STOP asking her to detail an answer she gave you when you "blurted" out an unfair poorly timed question. Why does she "owe" you more of an answer, given the past?

I say be careful what you wish for.

Anyone out there, especially the ladies, have any idea what she might mean? I think my over-protectiveness of her (she has MS) is the main issue.

I have a feeling she has never (or not recently) used the term "over protectiveness" to describe the way she sees your behavior.

I think she said it was your controlling, critical nature that smothers her, and she feels that you are NOT "protecting" her so much as crushing her. She has been clear with you and leaving you 6 years ago for the same reasons, is more clarity than most get.


Didn't you admit you start fights often, take your stress out on her, and you definitely don't back off even when she asks you to....

So my question is, what is there for her to explain?


Now, I know how wrong I was but she either refuses to believe me or has emotionally moved on.


IF you know you were wrong, just say THAT - and let the rest go.

The more you pressure her to back down and return (which is ultimately your goal even if you can't see it), OR to her to reassure you, the more likely you are to get the opposite in return.

The more you challenge her choices, the more you force her to defend those choices.

You persist in the same old behavior, expecting different results OR MAYBE you think b/c she backed down before and came home, (tail between her legs??) that it will work again. But I don't get that vibe from her.

I am so heart-broken. Nothing or nobody in this world means more to me than my wife, children and step-children. And yes, I have mentioned this to my wife.

I hope things are getting better for all of you! Hang in there.

Bob

What are the 180s you are doing? And do you have any short term goals?

I'd focus much more on those and embrace the reality of ambiguity. Yes you wish you had more certainty in your life but you don't right now. Neither does she.

Neither do any of us, actually. Stop trying to force things that cannot be forced.

How is your personal work going? Did you ever check into that personal growth workshop I suggested? ("Essential Experience", aka "EE", held in Philadelphia). I found it life changing. So did my h (but you do not go as a couple. It's for individuals- but of course, each person's self improvement helps them as couples too). I highly recommend it for you. They have a great website, so check that out.

And what about the TED TALK videos? Did you get anything out of them? (If you addressed that already, mea culpa. I have read many threads today and may have forgotten your reply to that).

Work the DB program b/c it works. Get Back to basics,

GAL, 180s and short term goals.

AND PLEASE ask yourself BEFORE you "blurt" out or write to her or DO anything,

whether it's likely to help your situation, OR hurt it.

Asking her for reassurance is a bad idea atm, and so is the constant questioning and demanding clarification. Besides, she may not have the clarity you seem to require and I would not push for more then...

Try harder to relax around her (even if it means an Oscar worthy performance) so she can learn that being around you won't always be such a tiresome challenge to her. The more she believes she can actually relax around you, the better.

IN TIME you may be able to build on that. But one thing at a time. Right now, she's not at all sure she can even have a conversation with you so no, I would not keep pushing.

[Bob723]

Hi 25!

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and reply. I was following thru about our landline with my wife based on my lawyer's recommendation. It's in her name, so only she can cancel it and I asked her to months ago.

As for the workshop, i did check into it. What a great idea! The problem for me is I cannot take any money out my savings account unless it is used for marital property, etc (called Marital Dissapation).

I completey forgot about the TED TALK videos -- thanks for the reminder.

My therapist thinks she may be so depressed that she can barely take care of herself, let alone think about reconciling or looking too much into the future. (My wife has MS and suffers from pretty severe depression.)

The biggest 180 I am working on now is not contacting her at all.

Again, it's kind of difficult, in my opinion, for her to see any changes I may have made since we have such little phone contact and do not see each other.

I think I got away from the D/B basics 25. That may be the best advice of all!

Thank you so very much. I really need the support as I am still devastated by this. One thing I pride myself in is that I was always there for my wife when she was "down in the dumps" and needed a shoulder to cry on. I think that's why this walk out/divorce are extremely painful to me.

Again, thank you 25.

Bob

[Bob723]

Hello All!

The more I think about how my WAW must feel, the more I realize she must find it hard to trust me. I met up with a friend yesterday and talked about the situation leading up to my wife leaving/filing for divorce. Now, I was trying to not contact my wife, but I sent her this little text last night hoping she'd feel a little better (trying to show empathy).

My text:
I met up with a friend today and was brutally honest about the way I had been acting the last few years. By discussing it I realized you'll never be able to trust me again. I understand.

Then tonight, my wife sent this long text. It is the most she has opened up so far. Does anyone out there feel she is letting her emotional defenses down a bit? How should I reply? Should I even bother replying?

My wife's text:
I just wanted to say after that last text, I think you are right. I hate you for that, we could have a good marriage, but you never trusted me from the get-go and you wouldn't give me any personal space. Do you remember that old song - Hold on loosely, but don't let go, If you hang on too tightly to her, you're going to loose control. I felt like a little bird you held in your hand, and the more I tried to stretch my wings, the more tightly you squeezed on me. I would exhaust myself fighting up against you and I would give up on everything. Then when I was able to get out, of course I would try to do as much as I could, for 2 reasons. 1. It just felt so good to have my independence back, which I was used to having before getting married to you. 2. I needed to get as much done as I could because I never knew when the next opportunity would present itself. Then with the MS getting worse, it was that much more difficult to break free from the pressure you put on me. I was getting weaker and finding myself just giving in to what you wanted because I couldn't sum up the energy to stick up for myself. That just pissed me off, then you'd have the gall to wake me out of a perfectly good sleep to yell at me over nothing ? I asked you politely to stop, which you seemed to understand, only to do it more and more often!

I am not sure what my wife meant about me not trusting her from the "get-go." The only thing I can think of is that she would over-spend big-time when she went shopping for herself and we had agreed to a budget.

Anyway, any thoughts? She really opened up.

Thanks.

Bob

[mahhhty]

Bob - She definitely did open up. You should feel good that she did. You've been given a lot of good information, I think you still have a ways to go. Change is difficult, but it will lead to a happier life.

My text:
I met up with a friend today and was brutally honest about the way I had been acting the last few years. By discussing it I realized you'll never be able to trust me again. I understand.

Why did you say "By discussing it I realized you'll never be able to trust me again." You are foreshadowing your life with her... Giving her insight into your beliefs about the future. I thought you were invested in changing yourself to change your life and improve your marriage/relationship. You are playing to her hand.

However, give your text kudos. She did respond.

Her text...

I just wanted to say after that last text, I think you are right. I hate you for that, we could have a good marriage, but you never trusted me from the get-go and you wouldn't give me any personal space.

She did use the present tense "we could have a good marriage" perhaps a typo. But I would hold onto hope without expectation. You should use for motivation.

I felt like a little bird you held in your hand, and the more I tried to stretch my wings, the more tightly you squeezed on me. I would exhaust myself fighting up against you and I would give up on everything.

You stated "The only thing I can think of is that she would over-spend big-time when she went shopping for herself and we had agreed to a budget." Bob... Seriously. You have already admitted to be controlling, pessimistic, argumentative, etc. It is time to step up, be the best person you can, which will enable you to be the happiest father, grandfather, and lover. I want you to write down all the characteristics the enable you to be the person your wife did not like, then formulate how to better yourself in each area. Do you think you can do that?

1. It just felt so good to have my independence back, which I was used to having before getting married to you. 2. I needed to get as much done as I could because I never knew when the next opportunity would present itself. Then with the MS getting worse, it was that much more difficult to break free from the pressure you put on me. I was getting weaker and finding myself just giving in to what you wanted because I couldn't sum up the energy to stick up for myself.

I see my father be a controlling husband and I saw it even more when he tried to take care of my mom through two cancer battles. The constant questions and pestering... how are you? are you warm enough? cold enough? hungry? thirsty? whats wrong? what happened? These are all forms of pressure. I'm not sure if this is something you did, but it is definitely something you could not do.

That just pissed me off, then you'd have the gall to wake me out of a perfectly good sleep to yell at me over nothing ? I asked you politely to stop, which you seemed to understand, only to do it more and more often!

Bob did that really happen? Would you like someone to do that to you? Do you see how that could be disrespectful? What other acts of disrespect did you do? I think you should come up with another list of items on how you disrespected her, pressured her or tried to control her.

Did you respond to her text? I hope you didn't, but if you did please tell us.

[Bob723]

Hello mahhhty,

Thanks, as always, for taking your valuable time to keep up with my sitch and respond. Yes, I am invested in changing myself to change my life and improve my marriage/relationship. I did worry I might be playing into her hand, but I also felt it was the right thing to do. Additionally, I felt it would show empathy on my part--one of the big changes I am trying to make.

Your example about your Dad does sound similiar to me -- especiallly in recent years after my wife was in her 5th car accident in less than 3 years. Now I see how that could smother a person. As I think more and more about it, it would drive me crazy.

Did I wake her up to start arguments? Yes, it happened a few times, the last time was the Thursday evening before she walked away. I am not saying it was right on my part. One time was one time too many. It's another change I'm working on. One fact (not an excuse) is that I have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Add a little alcohol before bed and it can lead to ugly results. I haven't had a drop of alcohol since the day my wife left and I take my medicine daily as prescribed. I feel so much better!

Did I resppnd to her text? I thought about it for quite a while and I finally did. Here it is:

I agree with you that we could have a good marriage. I have being doing a lot of soul-searching. It's not that I never trusted you, but I showed it so poorly. I appreciate the fact that you took the time to explain your feelings. It helps me focus in on the important issues. The way you explained your loss of independence was so vivid I felt like I was seeing it through your eyes for the first time. How hard that must've been for you. I am ashamed that I treated you that way and I am very sorry.

I sent that Wednesday and she hasn't replied. I have not contacted her since.

That's all for now. Thanks again mahhhty!

Bob

[mahhhty]

I'm here for you Bob. And I like your text reply. She probably hasn't responded BC either she doesn't believe you, or may see you trying.

[Bob723]

Hey mahhhty,

I can't describe how much your last reply meant to me!!!

Thank you for keeping up with my sitch. I was thinking the exact same thing - either she doesn't believe me, or may see me trying.

Everyone on this forum is awesome - and you are no exception.

I am going to wait for my wife to contact me. I haven't given up hope yet!

Please take care of yourself mahhhty.

Bob

[mahhhty]

9 days and no Bob. How are you doing?

[Bob723]

Hi mahhhty!

I've been on a real roller coaster - more than usual.

Thank you so much for your concern. I'll post about it later today.

Bob

[Bob723]

Hey mahhhty and everyone else!

My WAW filed for divorce 5 months ago today. She is still living 3 1/2 hrs away and I am by myself in our townhome. I keep going to counseling, a divorce support group and even tried karaoke for the 1st time! I was always too chicken to get up there - but I did it!

Ok...this week, I realized I still didn't receive our water/electric bill from the town we live in - it is in her name and gets forwarded to her Mom's.

Anyhow, I finally got her attention (by mentioning I'd send a screen shot of my request to my attorney) about getting it changed into my name, she responded and, to me, sounded very unhappy. She was saying many mean, vindictive things.

So I sent her this text last night:
We both have a part in this divorce. It's actually really sad for me to hear that you don't sound very happy. Maybe I wasn't the entire cause of all your unhappiness? Couldn't the MS, ruptured disks, and migraine headaches have something to do with it too? I did my best to support a spouse with many physical ailments--something you'll probably never understand. I can look myself in the mirror and say that I did my best. I am still willing to try to work things out between us but it seems very obvious you made up your mind a long time ago. Silly me, I thought if I got the proper help you'd look back and be compassionate and understanding and realize that that wasn't the true Bob around the time you left. The great part of all of this is I feel so much better about myself and look forward to a wonderful future--with or without you. Take care, please.

My WAW responded about 2 hrs later:
I never said I wasn't happy, I just said I'm having a flare-up of MS which is never welcome and that I have a ton of paper work to do which is never very fun. Otherwise, I've been making friends, I haven't cut my hair since October so it's getting really long. I've also hi-lighted it so it's nice and blonde. I went to dinner with Peggy and a friend at a really cool place for dinner tonight. No I wouldn't say I'm unhappy, just the contrary. Oh, and by the way - it was mostly you.

I never replied to her text, but thought it was childish of her to write "Oh, and by the way - it was mostly you."

Then, this afternoon I got this from her:
Listen, before this phone goes out, I don't want to leave things on bad terms. I would like to be on good terms after all this is over. If you can keep the townhouse, that would be great because then you could save the tree that has meant so much to both of us. Do me a favor, don't tell me what your attorney says about me because I personally don't give a rat's ### what she says. Besides, I don't tell you what my attorney says because that could also be hurtful and I know some things that you don't know. I don't need to bother you with those things either. I think we are both getting stressed out with this whole thing, I personally would like to get it all done as soon as possible. But the more paperwork, the longer and longer it stretches out costing you more money! It's your choice. Take care of yourself as well, I hope you will have a good future.

Folks--I don't know what to make of all this. Someone, please let me know what you think. I suppose I should be very thankful that she mentioned leaving on good terms. Is this something a WAS normally says?

Thank you very much in advance.

Bob

[mahhhty]

Bob. I think I have put the time in with you, so I hope you know I am invested in your future. And I really want you do be the Best Bob Ever! (even though my Dad's name is Bob... perhaps that's a conflict of interest).

If you agree with that please read on, if not stop. DISCLAIMER.... If you read on, grab a beer, and relax, I don't say nice things. I apologize if I am too abrupt or mean.

I knew you would read on. YOU ARE NOT USING THIS BOARD TO YOUR BENEFIT. There is HUNDREDS of case studies here, and THOUSANDS of people. You are not reaching out, you are not posting enough, you are not learning. You should have posted your response or text to her FIRST. She said "Oh, and by the way - it was mostly you." Because that is what you are reinforcing. You are enabling her!

That text was PURSUING HER and it was NOT NICE.

We both have a part in this divorce. Seriously. You said that? Pursuing! By you saying it, she will never have to face this reality. B/C you are proving her RIGHT!

It's actually really sad for me to hear that you don't sound very happy. oh that will make her feel better. NOT!

Maybe I wasn't the entire cause of all your unhappiness? Couldn't the MS, ruptured disks, and migraine headaches have something to do with it too? I did my best to support a spouse with many physical ailments--something you'll probably never understand. SERIOUSLY!!!! CONDESCENDING! MEAN! AND ONE SIDED! Guess what the flip side of this is that YOU have NO IDEA WHAT IT IS LIKE FOR HER! For better or for worst. Right and Wrong DO NOT MATTER! You are digging yourself a hole!

I can look myself in the mirror and say that I did my best. What was the point of this statement? Who are you trying to convince? You or her?

I am still willing to try to work things out between us but it seems very obvious you made up your mind a long time ago. SHE LEFT! SHE MADE HER DECISION. Being MEAN and then saying this... What did you think would happen?

Silly me Condescending!!!! She is an adult. Treat her like one. Perhaps you should treat her as a coworker at this point.

I thought if I got the proper help you'd look back and be compassionate and understanding and realize that that wasn't the true Bob around the time you left. That is your game plan and you just told her it.

The great part of all of this is I feel so much better about myself and look forward to a wonderful future--with or without you. Do you? Really? You are a better Bob and feel so much better with your life? I would assume that you are lying.

Take care, please. Do you really mean that? Or where you being mean?

BOB - there are people on the message board, including me, that post their text messages and emails prior to reaching out. The reason for this is.... "We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." - ALBERT EINSTEIN. Meaning that the people who cause their problems, need to think differently, and not be haphazard and "off the cuff."


If you want a chance with your wife...

READ everything ever written by Sandi (especially recently on Left Behind Husbands (LBH)). You need to be more proactive in your education, and change the way you think.

STOP sending emails and texts without consultation

POST MORE. Posting more will get you more involved with the culture. More involved with other's stories. More in tune with yourself.

A Smart Man learns from his mistakes, A Wise Man learns from other's mistakes!

BE WISE!

And I am sorry if this was too harsh, but I think you needed to hear/read it.

[Bob723]

Hello mahhhty,

You, more than anyone on this board, have invested so much time in me. I truly thank God for you -- and all who have replied to my posts. I remember you have mentioned before to come here before responding to any text. I know I blew it! i was so upset about the way she's been handing business matters.

This is a BAD excuse, but nothing much was going on for a while plue I got unusually busy. Anyway, here I am.

I didn't take anything you said as harsh, you are trying to help my, my friend. And, yes, you knew I would read on!

We both have a part in this divorce. Seriously. You said that? Pursuing! By you saying it, she will never have to face this reality. B/C you are proving her RIGHT!

My comment: Yes, I did. I didn't think of it as pursuing. She has never owned up to 1 thing in our marriage, and I guess it just finally boiled over in me. I have to run in by the board and have more self-restraint.

It's actually really sad for me to hear that you don't sound very happy. oh that will make her feel better. NOT!

My comment: can you please elaborate a little mahhhty? I thought I was being supportive. My guess is that it's manipulative???

Maybe I wasn't the entire cause of all your unhappiness? Couldn't the MS, ruptured disks, and migraine headaches have something to do with it too? I did my best to support a spouse with many physical ailments--something you'll probably never understand. SERIOUSLY!!!! CONDESCENDING! MEAN! AND ONE SIDED! Guess what the flip side of this is that YOU have NO IDEA WHAT IT IS LIKE FOR HER! For better or for worst. Right and Wrong DO NOT MATTER! You are digging yourself a hole!

My comment: Reading it again, you are correct. It was in repsonse to her statement that she's in an MS relapse and I'll never understand. By making that point, I thought she might see things from my side a bit. But mahhhty, that was adumb thing to send her!

I can look myself in the mirror and say that I did my best. What was the point of this statement? Who are you trying to convince? You or her?

My comment: Honestly, I wasn't trying to convince anyone. Again, you brought up a great point.

Silly me Condescending!!!! She is an adult. Treat her like one. Perhaps you should treat her as a coworker at this point.

My comment: It's a statement she uses a lot. Now that I think more deeply about it, I don't care for it much myself when she says it, although I never felt it was condescending. Well, that's 1 phrase I'll never use again!!

I thought if I got the proper help you'd look back and be compassionate and understanding and realize that that wasn't the true Bob around the time you left. That is your game plan and you just told her it.

My comment: Oh no!! I added that in there because, you may recall, she had lightly hinted a few times I should seek therapy. She also, most of our marriage, was vry compassionate. Oh no, again! Darn!

The great part of all of this is I feel so much better about myself and look forward to a wonderful future--with or without you. Do you? Really? You are a better Bob and feel so much better with your life? I would assume that you are lying.

My comment: Honestly, of course I still would love to reconcile with my wife. But it looks like she is not going to change her mind. There are stetches of a few days were I do feel better and realize this is a process. So, good assumption on your part, but I feel like I was being honest. Now, my wife may think I'm lying. So again, you raise a great point.

Take care, please. Do you really mean that? Or where you being mean?

My comment: Yes, I do from the bottom of my heart. Both of us, at times, end a phone conversation (not many of those lately) or a text with that wish.

I will read everything ever written by Sandi (especially recently on Left Behind Husbands (LBH)) and stop sending texts without consultation.

Wow, you are truly amazing and an inspiration to me!

Thank you for your time and especially your honesty.

Bob

[Bob723]

Hi mahhhty & all,

Earlier, I wanted to add this text I got from my wife yesterday and get some advice on how to reply, but I had to leave to visit my daughter at college. They had a huge fund-raiser for Make-A-Wish Foundation. I had a good time!

Here's my wife's text:
Listen, before this phone goes out, I don't want to leave things on bad terms. I would like to be on good terms after all this is over. If you can keep the townhouse, that would be great because then you could save the tree that has meant so much to both of us. I think we are both getting stressed out with this whole thing, I personally would like to get it all done as soon as possible. But the more paperwork, the longer and longer it streches out costing you more money! It's your choice. Take care of yourself as well, I hope you will have a good future.

Folks, I'm not stretching this out at all. She has paperwork to fill out because that's what our judge ruled a week ago Friday (Pre-Trial for splitting our assets). He said, "She is not acting in good faith." She fails to comply with court orders.

Note that she wrote "Take care of yourself as well..." As I wrote in my previous posting, we do wish that to each other occasionally. She also wished me "a good future." Several days ago, I said something like, "no matter how this turns out, I wish you a good future." She sometimes will say she cares about me, but only after I say it first.

I don't know what to make of this. She seems to want her freedom at 51. True love means letting go, I know that. But this kills me because my wife never suggested we try counseling before making this decision. My children (her step-children) know that nobody is perfect, but they feel so hurt and confused. They saw, when we had them over every other weekend, the care I provided for my wife, wich any good husband would. I still think back to when we first spoke after she left. She mentioned a couple we know where the woman who filed changed her mind at their final court date.

Is she giving me the gift of time to work on myself? Does she want to see if I'll truly let her go withour stretching this out? Of course, only she knows.

My children (18, 21 and 23) think I should forget about her and move on. They may be correct--but as those of you on this forum know--that is easier said than done.

Anyone out there have a suggestion?

Thanks!!

Bob

[mahhhty]

I will read everything ever written by Sandi (especially recently on Left Behind Husbands (LBH)) and stop sending texts without consultation.

Sandi has two threads going now for LBH, Part 1 and Part 2. Read those and then try to re-read your thread with a beginner's eye, to understand how you could have done things better.

Also, you don't post much on other people's threads. I'd urge you to read other stories of what people are doing. This will make you more aware and compassionate.

[mahhhty]

Earlier, I wanted to add this text I got from my wife yesterday and get some advice on how to reply, but I had to leave to visit my daughter at college. They had a huge fund-raiser for Make-A-Wish Foundation. I had a good time!

GOOD! Keep doing these things. Get out of the house and Get A Life (GAL)! Be active in your environment and live every moment!

Here's my wife's text:
Listen, before this phone goes out, I don't want to leave things on bad terms. I would like to be on good terms after all this is over. If you can keep the townhouse, that would be great because then you could save the tree that has meant so much to both of us. I think we are both getting stressed out with this whole thing, I personally would like to get it all done as soon as possible. But the more paperwork, the longer and longer it streches out costing you more money! It's your choice. Take care of yourself as well, I hope you will have a good future.

You really need to read the LBH Thread, and study it. I don't fully understand from the text what she would like you to do. Can you elaborate?

Note that she wrote "Take care of yourself as well..." As I wrote in my previous posting, we do wish that to each other occasionally. She also wished me "a good future." Several days ago, I said something like, "no matter how this turns out, I wish you a good future." She sometimes will say she cares about me, but only after I say it first.

You need to stop saying it. You need to act like you have seen the light and understand that leaving her and moving on is the only way. You have to stop being her safety net. She wanted freedom, that comes with a reality check, that she got rid of you. Again read the LBH thread and Sandi's thirty something rules.

I don't know what to make of this. She seems to want her freedom at 51. True love means letting go, I know that. But this kills me because my wife never suggested we try counseling before making this decision. My children (her step-children) know that nobody is perfect, but they feel so hurt and confused. They saw, when we had them over every other weekend, the care I provided for my wife, wich any good husband would. I still think back to when we first spoke after she left. She mentioned a couple we know where the woman who filed changed her mind at their final court date.

It does hurt. And it [censored]. She does want freedom, she is fueled by resentment, rebellion and disrespect. She resents you, doesn't respect you, and is in the middle of rebelling against you. <--All covered in the LBH thread. It is possible that she changes her mind. However, you can't bank on that. Nor can you continue to think the way you have been... "We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." - ALBERT EINSTEIN

Is she giving me the gift of time to work on myself? Does she want to see if I'll truly let her go withour stretching this out? Of course, only she knows.

Yes you have the gift of time, which you need to take advantage of. Did she knowingly give you that gift, probably not. She is probably convinced she wants a D and therefore is doing this from a place of a wayward wife.

My children (18, 21 and 23) think I should forget about her and move on. They may be correct--but as those of you on this forum know--that is easier said than done.

Stop looking for validation from family members. Also do not try to win them over. They aren't in the relationship. As a father you need to reinforce their relationship with their mother. Take the high road here.

The bottom line, is that you need to meet this with compassion and strength. When your blood is boiling and you are hurt, do not respond to her. You will only be doing your future a disservice.

[Bob723]

Hi mahhhty,

Thanks for responding. Yesterday, I found both of Sandi's threads and I do already have her "37 Rules" and try to follow them. Obviously, I need to do much better sticking to them. I didn't have time to read all of her threads, but I will soon!

I don't post much, if at all, but I read many other threads. I feel, at this point, I am so confused I don't want to give someone the wrong advice. I love helping others. But, since I'm not doing so well at this, I'm usually not sure what to advise. I guess I can just offer words of encouragement. That never hurts.

Thanks again.

Bob

[Bob723]

mahhhty, I'm still trying to figure out of to use the Quote function. For example, grab just your quotes from the last posting. it seemed to take both mine and yours. LOL

GOOD! Keep doing these things. Get out of the house and Get A Life (GAL)! Be active in your environment and live every moment!

Me: Thank you!

You really need to read the LBH Thread, and study it. I don't fully understand from the text what she would like you to do. Can you elaborate?

Me: I will read both LBH threads. Thank you so much again for pointing her threads out. I am not fully sure myself. I will add on to the post later when I either get a reply from her or I'll give you my best guess. i do have some idea. I can see why you are not sure what she's asking.

You need to stop saying it. You need to act like you have seen the light and understand that leaving her and moving on is the only way. You have to stop being her safety net. She wanted freedom, that comes with a reality check, that she got rid of you. Again read the LBH thread and Sandi's thirty something rules.

Me: I agree! Stop saying "take care of yourself." I thought adding that once in a while would lighten the mood. I see where saying that lends itself to my W thinking that I still care deeply about her. That doesn't show I'm moving on. And I have to change my way of thinking. My therapist is working with me on that. Very good catch, my friend!

It does hurt. And it [censored]. She does want freedom, she is fueled by resentment, rebellion and disrespect. She resents you, doesn't respect you, and is in the middle of rebelling against you. <--All covered in the LBH thread. It is possible that she changes her mind. However, you can't bank on that. Nor can you continue to think the way you have been... "We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." - ALBERT EINSTEIN

Me: Again, I agree! I can't presume that she will change her mind. I need to move on for my own mental health.

Yes you have the gift of time, which you need to take advantage of. Did she knowingly give you that gift, probably not. She is probably convinced she wants a D and therefore is doing this from a place of a wayward wife.

Me: We all can only guess, but most likely you are correct again. I just wondered if it's something others had heard before from their WAS.

Stop looking for validation from family members. Also do not try to win them over. They aren't in the relationship. As a father you need to reinforce their relationship with their mother. Take the high road here.

Me: Sorry, I guess I wasn't clear enough. These are my children from a previous marriage and it is unsolicited advice from them. They think I should give up on the marriage because they feel she took advantage of me. They do say they understand why I'd like to reconcile. So, I wasn't looking for validation from anyone, they offered their opinions on their own.

Wow, you are so wonderful to follow-up again with both your posts.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Bob

[Bob723]

mahhhty,

I have read all of Sandi's LBH posts on both threads. Excellent posts by her and an excellent suggestion by you!

So, in your previous post, you asked if I could elaborate on this text from my W:
Listen, before this phone goes out, I don't want to leave things on bad terms. I would like to be on good terms after all this is over. If you can keep the townhouse, that would be great because then you could save the tree that has meant so much to both of us. I think we are both getting stressed out with this whole thing, I personally would like to get it all done as soon as possible. But the more paperwork, the longer and longer it streches out costing you more money! It's your choice. Take care of yourself as well, I hope you will have a good future.

My take on it is she wants to remain "friends" after our divorce is final. We have a townhouse. A few weeks ago the judge decided she would have 60%/40% equity in our home (we still have a mortgage). I believe my W brought up the point about our home because later she admitted, after I said I'd like her to have the home, that she couldn't afford to buy me out -- even at 40%. She has put so many personal touches on our home, e.g., painted clouds in our living room that look SO real and many other creative things like that. My belief is that she doesn't want to lose the house. My therapist, believes she'll want me back someday.

Who knows, right? So does anybody have any advice as to how I should reply to the part where she writes "I would like to be on good terms after all this is over."? Most posts here suggest saying "No thanks" to that. But please remember I'm still hopeful we can reconcile, but I realize more than ever how important it is for me to appear to have moved on and be a more confident guy.

I feel she's looking for a safety net -- me.

Thanks all!

[Bob723]

All:

I've decided I'm going to employ Michele's LRT.

Wish me luck!

Bob

[MrBond]

What do you plan to do that is LRT?

[Bob723]

Hi MrBond!

Thank you for asking. I am not going to contact my wife, or respond to any calls or texts for 30 days. The only exception would be if there was an emergency.

Take care.

Bob

[MrBond]

That's not really theLRT. Did you reall read the books?

[Bob723]

MrBond,

Yes, I did. I will go back to The Divorce Remedy and review.

Thank you very much for pointing that out. Many of the LRTs I can't do because she is living 3 1/2 hours away from me and we rarely speak. I thought if I didn't try to pursue her for about a month, she would take notice.

Bob

[MrBond]

How much 'living' have YOU been doing?

[Bob723]

MrBond,

Thank you again for taking the time to respond. I have to admit just about every day is so hard to get out of bed whether I have to go to work or have nothing special planned. But tonight, for example, I took my daughter out for her birthday (she's from my previous marriage) and we had a great time! On Saturday I visited my sister who I haven't seen since just before my wife walked out five months ago. I go to a divorce support group weekly, when I am up to it I take long walks and every couple weeks I get together with a few friends to watch a hockey or basketball game. It took me a while but I'm not just sitting around the house anymore feeling down.

As I was driving home tonight, my wife sent me a text indicating she was going to call me tomorrow so we can discuss our house. I did not reply to her text. This is how she has been treating me for most of the five months, so I'm not going to act anxious by replying.

At this point, i'm not even sure if I should take her call. I have a gut feeling that this one week of me not contacting her might be making her miss me a bit. Of course I don't want to be rude so I could use some direction here folks.

MrBond, mahhhty, anyone else have any ideas about what I should do tomorrow if she does call?

Thank you all.

[Bob723]

A very quick update:

My wife did not call last night, or even bother to text me to say something has come up and she won't be calling me. It's actually very sad for me to admit this, but she rarely follows thru on anything she says--especially in the +5 months she walked out on me and filed for the "Big D."

Could she be testing me to see if I wuld get upset? I think she may have been, but I'd like to hear others' thoughts. BTW, I did not try calling or texting her. I just "let it go."

Bob

[mahhhty]

GOOD! You let it go. B/C you realize it is no longer worth the time or effort. Her not following up on the commitment is a reflection on her. Honestly, there could be a million valid reasons why. None of which are of any concern to you. You need to focus and ownership of yourself and of your actions and of your Life.

On the LBH Thread, I got into a discussion back and forth with Starsky. I think it may be helpful for you. Greek (W) and Coach (H) were members here who had Divorced and Reconciled. I think every sentence will help me and could help you as well.

What Greek says Coach did to win her back:

I will tell you what Coach did to win me back - after I left our home and filed for D. He stopped doing all the other things that got me to the point of walking out of the door. He stopped trying to arrange my reactions. He stopped trying to control what I would think or do. He stopped telling me how I should feel. He stopped telling me what would happen if... He dropped the rope and said WITH HIS ACTIONS: "Greek, I can see that you are hell bent on leaving for reasons that you have made abundantly clear to me. Some of those reasons have merit and I will deal with them for my own sake. But I can't keep you here and I won't try. The action I will take is to work on areas in my life that have contributed to the difficulties in our R and other R in my life; I will begin to take care of myself in a way I have neglected for some time now (GAL); I will handle protect myself against the legal action you took against our M; I will conduct myself with strength and honor." This was and is totally attractive! It's strong. It's confident. It's respectful - both of me and of Coach.

It's not about 'doing nothing.' It's about doing what works - putting the ACTION in the right place.

Greek

I think it would be great for you to get out more with your friends. Pick up a hobby you always wanted to do but haven't, and to post more on other people's threads. Get involved in this community, and you will receive more attention and perspectives on your situation... hence promoting growth. I say all this b/c of your response previously...

I don't post much, if at all, but I read many other threads. I feel, at this point, I am so confused I don't want to give someone the wrong advice. I love helping others. But, since I'm not doing so well at this, I'm usually not sure what to advise. I guess I can just offer words of encouragement. That never hurts.

[Bob723]

Thank you for the support mahhhty! How are you doing today? What is the latest with your situation? I've missed you! The post you added from the LBH thread does seem like it could be helpful in my situation.

I suppose I could start by asking questions in other threads. That, many times for me, gets me to think about something I hadn't thought of before. I don't feel I'm ready to offer advice.

I used to play/coach ice hockey and I have started skating again. I also meet up with friends every two weeks or so. I am trying my best not to sit around the house and mope. I am still attending a divorce support group which seems helpful, and I've met a lot of nice people there.

Take care my friend!

[mahhhty]

Skating, coaching and the divorce group sound great!

As for posting, I don't think you need to give advice, perhaps encouragement and forge some connections with people. I think its helpful. And I think you will be surprised it is a lot easier to think rationally and with a level head when it is about someone else's situation.

As for me... I am hanging in, I am better than I have been for some time. I'm doing a lot more of the things that appeal to me. My second thread in the newcomer section is about to end.
1st Thread: New England Newcomer
2nd Thread: So I am divorced

[Bob723]

Hello mahhhty!

Thank you for the encouragement I really appreciate it. As for the next part, I have been trying to get involved by at least giving encouragement to others. I made several posts to someone who's new one this board NLS.

I'm happy to hear that you're doing better and will read your threads when I have a chance. Just tonight Sandi mentioned in a posting to NLS that we are really on the board for the spouse Who has walked away or is thinking about it.

My thread has gotten kind of long but I'm going to see if I can create a link to it and maybe get on the newcomers board instead.

[Bob723]

I posted my thread from this forum to the newcomers forum.

That is where I will post from this point on.



Thank you.

Bob

[Bob723]

I should've mentioned my new Topic Title is:

Wife Walked Away 5 Months Ago/Filed for Divorce

Bob

[Cadet]

I should've mentioned my new Topic Title is:

Wife Walked Away 5 Months Ago/Filed for Divorce

Bob

Link to above thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2555209#Post2555209

[Bob723]

Thanks Cadet! I just noticed you added this important information.

Bob