Wife Walked Away 10 Weeks Ago

[Bob723]

Hey mahhhty,

I can't describe how much your last reply meant to me!!!

Thank you for keeping up with my sitch. I was thinking the exact same thing - either she doesn't believe me, or may see me trying.

Everyone on this forum is awesome - and you are no exception.

I am going to wait for my wife to contact me. I haven't given up hope yet!

Please take care of yourself mahhhty.

Bob

[mahhhty]

9 days and no Bob. How are you doing?

[Bob723]

Hi mahhhty!

I've been on a real roller coaster - more than usual.

Thank you so much for your concern. I'll post about it later today.

Bob

[Bob723]

Hey mahhhty and everyone else!

My WAW filed for divorce 5 months ago today. She is still living 3 1/2 hrs away and I am by myself in our townhome. I keep going to counseling, a divorce support group and even tried karaoke for the 1st time! I was always too chicken to get up there - but I did it!

Ok...this week, I realized I still didn't receive our water/electric bill from the town we live in - it is in her name and gets forwarded to her Mom's.

Anyhow, I finally got her attention (by mentioning I'd send a screen shot of my request to my attorney) about getting it changed into my name, she responded and, to me, sounded very unhappy. She was saying many mean, vindictive things.

So I sent her this text last night:
We both have a part in this divorce. It's actually really sad for me to hear that you don't sound very happy. Maybe I wasn't the entire cause of all your unhappiness? Couldn't the MS, ruptured disks, and migraine headaches have something to do with it too? I did my best to support a spouse with many physical ailments--something you'll probably never understand. I can look myself in the mirror and say that I did my best. I am still willing to try to work things out between us but it seems very obvious you made up your mind a long time ago. Silly me, I thought if I got the proper help you'd look back and be compassionate and understanding and realize that that wasn't the true Bob around the time you left. The great part of all of this is I feel so much better about myself and look forward to a wonderful future--with or without you. Take care, please.

My WAW responded about 2 hrs later:
I never said I wasn't happy, I just said I'm having a flare-up of MS which is never welcome and that I have a ton of paper work to do which is never very fun. Otherwise, I've been making friends, I haven't cut my hair since October so it's getting really long. I've also hi-lighted it so it's nice and blonde. I went to dinner with Peggy and a friend at a really cool place for dinner tonight. No I wouldn't say I'm unhappy, just the contrary. Oh, and by the way - it was mostly you.

I never replied to her text, but thought it was childish of her to write "Oh, and by the way - it was mostly you."

Then, this afternoon I got this from her:
Listen, before this phone goes out, I don't want to leave things on bad terms. I would like to be on good terms after all this is over. If you can keep the townhouse, that would be great because then you could save the tree that has meant so much to both of us. Do me a favor, don't tell me what your attorney says about me because I personally don't give a rat's ### what she says. Besides, I don't tell you what my attorney says because that could also be hurtful and I know some things that you don't know. I don't need to bother you with those things either. I think we are both getting stressed out with this whole thing, I personally would like to get it all done as soon as possible. But the more paperwork, the longer and longer it stretches out costing you more money! It's your choice. Take care of yourself as well, I hope you will have a good future.

Folks--I don't know what to make of all this. Someone, please let me know what you think. I suppose I should be very thankful that she mentioned leaving on good terms. Is this something a WAS normally says?

Thank you very much in advance.

Bob

[mahhhty]

Bob. I think I have put the time in with you, so I hope you know I am invested in your future. And I really want you do be the Best Bob Ever! (even though my Dad's name is Bob... perhaps that's a conflict of interest).

If you agree with that please read on, if not stop. DISCLAIMER.... If you read on, grab a beer, and relax, I don't say nice things. I apologize if I am too abrupt or mean.

I knew you would read on. YOU ARE NOT USING THIS BOARD TO YOUR BENEFIT. There is HUNDREDS of case studies here, and THOUSANDS of people. You are not reaching out, you are not posting enough, you are not learning. You should have posted your response or text to her FIRST. She said "Oh, and by the way - it was mostly you." Because that is what you are reinforcing. You are enabling her!

That text was PURSUING HER and it was NOT NICE.

We both have a part in this divorce. Seriously. You said that? Pursuing! By you saying it, she will never have to face this reality. B/C you are proving her RIGHT!

It's actually really sad for me to hear that you don't sound very happy. oh that will make her feel better. NOT!

Maybe I wasn't the entire cause of all your unhappiness? Couldn't the MS, ruptured disks, and migraine headaches have something to do with it too? I did my best to support a spouse with many physical ailments--something you'll probably never understand. SERIOUSLY!!!! CONDESCENDING! MEAN! AND ONE SIDED! Guess what the flip side of this is that YOU have NO IDEA WHAT IT IS LIKE FOR HER! For better or for worst. Right and Wrong DO NOT MATTER! You are digging yourself a hole!

I can look myself in the mirror and say that I did my best. What was the point of this statement? Who are you trying to convince? You or her?

I am still willing to try to work things out between us but it seems very obvious you made up your mind a long time ago. SHE LEFT! SHE MADE HER DECISION. Being MEAN and then saying this... What did you think would happen?

Silly me Condescending!!!! She is an adult. Treat her like one. Perhaps you should treat her as a coworker at this point.

I thought if I got the proper help you'd look back and be compassionate and understanding and realize that that wasn't the true Bob around the time you left. That is your game plan and you just told her it.

The great part of all of this is I feel so much better about myself and look forward to a wonderful future--with or without you. Do you? Really? You are a better Bob and feel so much better with your life? I would assume that you are lying.

Take care, please. Do you really mean that? Or where you being mean?

BOB - there are people on the message board, including me, that post their text messages and emails prior to reaching out. The reason for this is.... "We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." - ALBERT EINSTEIN. Meaning that the people who cause their problems, need to think differently, and not be haphazard and "off the cuff."


If you want a chance with your wife...

READ everything ever written by Sandi (especially recently on Left Behind Husbands (LBH)). You need to be more proactive in your education, and change the way you think.

STOP sending emails and texts without consultation

POST MORE. Posting more will get you more involved with the culture. More involved with other's stories. More in tune with yourself.

A Smart Man learns from his mistakes, A Wise Man learns from other's mistakes!

BE WISE!

And I am sorry if this was too harsh, but I think you needed to hear/read it.

[Bob723]

Hello mahhhty,

You, more than anyone on this board, have invested so much time in me. I truly thank God for you -- and all who have replied to my posts. I remember you have mentioned before to come here before responding to any text. I know I blew it! i was so upset about the way she's been handing business matters.

This is a BAD excuse, but nothing much was going on for a while plue I got unusually busy. Anyway, here I am.

I didn't take anything you said as harsh, you are trying to help my, my friend. And, yes, you knew I would read on!

We both have a part in this divorce. Seriously. You said that? Pursuing! By you saying it, she will never have to face this reality. B/C you are proving her RIGHT!

My comment: Yes, I did. I didn't think of it as pursuing. She has never owned up to 1 thing in our marriage, and I guess it just finally boiled over in me. I have to run in by the board and have more self-restraint.

It's actually really sad for me to hear that you don't sound very happy. oh that will make her feel better. NOT!

My comment: can you please elaborate a little mahhhty? I thought I was being supportive. My guess is that it's manipulative???

Maybe I wasn't the entire cause of all your unhappiness? Couldn't the MS, ruptured disks, and migraine headaches have something to do with it too? I did my best to support a spouse with many physical ailments--something you'll probably never understand. SERIOUSLY!!!! CONDESCENDING! MEAN! AND ONE SIDED! Guess what the flip side of this is that YOU have NO IDEA WHAT IT IS LIKE FOR HER! For better or for worst. Right and Wrong DO NOT MATTER! You are digging yourself a hole!

My comment: Reading it again, you are correct. It was in repsonse to her statement that she's in an MS relapse and I'll never understand. By making that point, I thought she might see things from my side a bit. But mahhhty, that was adumb thing to send her!

I can look myself in the mirror and say that I did my best. What was the point of this statement? Who are you trying to convince? You or her?

My comment: Honestly, I wasn't trying to convince anyone. Again, you brought up a great point.

Silly me Condescending!!!! She is an adult. Treat her like one. Perhaps you should treat her as a coworker at this point.

My comment: It's a statement she uses a lot. Now that I think more deeply about it, I don't care for it much myself when she says it, although I never felt it was condescending. Well, that's 1 phrase I'll never use again!!

I thought if I got the proper help you'd look back and be compassionate and understanding and realize that that wasn't the true Bob around the time you left. That is your game plan and you just told her it.

My comment: Oh no!! I added that in there because, you may recall, she had lightly hinted a few times I should seek therapy. She also, most of our marriage, was vry compassionate. Oh no, again! Darn!

The great part of all of this is I feel so much better about myself and look forward to a wonderful future--with or without you. Do you? Really? You are a better Bob and feel so much better with your life? I would assume that you are lying.

My comment: Honestly, of course I still would love to reconcile with my wife. But it looks like she is not going to change her mind. There are stetches of a few days were I do feel better and realize this is a process. So, good assumption on your part, but I feel like I was being honest. Now, my wife may think I'm lying. So again, you raise a great point.

Take care, please. Do you really mean that? Or where you being mean?

My comment: Yes, I do from the bottom of my heart. Both of us, at times, end a phone conversation (not many of those lately) or a text with that wish.

I will read everything ever written by Sandi (especially recently on Left Behind Husbands (LBH)) and stop sending texts without consultation.

Wow, you are truly amazing and an inspiration to me!

Thank you for your time and especially your honesty.

Bob

[Bob723]

Hi mahhhty & all,

Earlier, I wanted to add this text I got from my wife yesterday and get some advice on how to reply, but I had to leave to visit my daughter at college. They had a huge fund-raiser for Make-A-Wish Foundation. I had a good time!

Here's my wife's text:
Listen, before this phone goes out, I don't want to leave things on bad terms. I would like to be on good terms after all this is over. If you can keep the townhouse, that would be great because then you could save the tree that has meant so much to both of us. I think we are both getting stressed out with this whole thing, I personally would like to get it all done as soon as possible. But the more paperwork, the longer and longer it streches out costing you more money! It's your choice. Take care of yourself as well, I hope you will have a good future.

Folks, I'm not stretching this out at all. She has paperwork to fill out because that's what our judge ruled a week ago Friday (Pre-Trial for splitting our assets). He said, "She is not acting in good faith." She fails to comply with court orders.

Note that she wrote "Take care of yourself as well..." As I wrote in my previous posting, we do wish that to each other occasionally. She also wished me "a good future." Several days ago, I said something like, "no matter how this turns out, I wish you a good future." She sometimes will say she cares about me, but only after I say it first.

I don't know what to make of this. She seems to want her freedom at 51. True love means letting go, I know that. But this kills me because my wife never suggested we try counseling before making this decision. My children (her step-children) know that nobody is perfect, but they feel so hurt and confused. They saw, when we had them over every other weekend, the care I provided for my wife, wich any good husband would. I still think back to when we first spoke after she left. She mentioned a couple we know where the woman who filed changed her mind at their final court date.

Is she giving me the gift of time to work on myself? Does she want to see if I'll truly let her go withour stretching this out? Of course, only she knows.

My children (18, 21 and 23) think I should forget about her and move on. They may be correct--but as those of you on this forum know--that is easier said than done.

Anyone out there have a suggestion?

Thanks!!

Bob

[mahhhty]

I will read everything ever written by Sandi (especially recently on Left Behind Husbands (LBH)) and stop sending texts without consultation.

Sandi has two threads going now for LBH, Part 1 and Part 2. Read those and then try to re-read your thread with a beginner's eye, to understand how you could have done things better.

Also, you don't post much on other people's threads. I'd urge you to read other stories of what people are doing. This will make you more aware and compassionate.

[mahhhty]

Earlier, I wanted to add this text I got from my wife yesterday and get some advice on how to reply, but I had to leave to visit my daughter at college. They had a huge fund-raiser for Make-A-Wish Foundation. I had a good time!

GOOD! Keep doing these things. Get out of the house and Get A Life (GAL)! Be active in your environment and live every moment!

Here's my wife's text:
Listen, before this phone goes out, I don't want to leave things on bad terms. I would like to be on good terms after all this is over. If you can keep the townhouse, that would be great because then you could save the tree that has meant so much to both of us. I think we are both getting stressed out with this whole thing, I personally would like to get it all done as soon as possible. But the more paperwork, the longer and longer it streches out costing you more money! It's your choice. Take care of yourself as well, I hope you will have a good future.

You really need to read the LBH Thread, and study it. I don't fully understand from the text what she would like you to do. Can you elaborate?

Note that she wrote "Take care of yourself as well..." As I wrote in my previous posting, we do wish that to each other occasionally. She also wished me "a good future." Several days ago, I said something like, "no matter how this turns out, I wish you a good future." She sometimes will say she cares about me, but only after I say it first.

You need to stop saying it. You need to act like you have seen the light and understand that leaving her and moving on is the only way. You have to stop being her safety net. She wanted freedom, that comes with a reality check, that she got rid of you. Again read the LBH thread and Sandi's thirty something rules.

I don't know what to make of this. She seems to want her freedom at 51. True love means letting go, I know that. But this kills me because my wife never suggested we try counseling before making this decision. My children (her step-children) know that nobody is perfect, but they feel so hurt and confused. They saw, when we had them over every other weekend, the care I provided for my wife, wich any good husband would. I still think back to when we first spoke after she left. She mentioned a couple we know where the woman who filed changed her mind at their final court date.

It does hurt. And it [censored]. She does want freedom, she is fueled by resentment, rebellion and disrespect. She resents you, doesn't respect you, and is in the middle of rebelling against you. <--All covered in the LBH thread. It is possible that she changes her mind. However, you can't bank on that. Nor can you continue to think the way you have been... "We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." - ALBERT EINSTEIN

Is she giving me the gift of time to work on myself? Does she want to see if I'll truly let her go withour stretching this out? Of course, only she knows.

Yes you have the gift of time, which you need to take advantage of. Did she knowingly give you that gift, probably not. She is probably convinced she wants a D and therefore is doing this from a place of a wayward wife.

My children (18, 21 and 23) think I should forget about her and move on. They may be correct--but as those of you on this forum know--that is easier said than done.

Stop looking for validation from family members. Also do not try to win them over. They aren't in the relationship. As a father you need to reinforce their relationship with their mother. Take the high road here.

The bottom line, is that you need to meet this with compassion and strength. When your blood is boiling and you are hurt, do not respond to her. You will only be doing your future a disservice.

[Bob723]

Hi mahhhty,

Thanks for responding. Yesterday, I found both of Sandi's threads and I do already have her "37 Rules" and try to follow them. Obviously, I need to do much better sticking to them. I didn't have time to read all of her threads, but I will soon!

I don't post much, if at all, but I read many other threads. I feel, at this point, I am so confused I don't want to give someone the wrong advice. I love helping others. But, since I'm not doing so well at this, I'm usually not sure what to advise. I guess I can just offer words of encouragement. That never hurts.

Thanks again.

Bob