Wife Walked Away 10 Weeks Ago

[AJM]

The bigger question is what you think. ??

Does that seem in line with "leave me alone" and live your own life?

I think it would be a good idea for you to answer 25's questions as well. For example,

How did you break her heart? THAT is the type of information we need to best advise you. Otherwise we are in the dark about what the "real" problems are, to HER.

Keep in mind this is her perception of the "problem".

The other thing to understand - DB is about healing you more than anything. If the marriage is saved during that process, so much the better. What are you changing about you that YOU feel needs changing?

AJ

[mahhhty]

I'm with AJM on this Bob.

What do you think it says about you and your situation if you send her flowers? Also, why do you want to send the flowers?

[Bob723]

Hi AJ and Everyone!

AJ, I decided it was not a good idea to have flowers sent to my wife.

I haven't been logged into the forum much lately and keep forgetting to answer about what AJ just asked (others have asked, too):

"How did you break her heart? THAT is the type of information we need to best advise you. Otherwise we are in the dark about what the "real" problems are, to HER."

I broke my wife's heart as follows (in the last year or so):

1. When she tried to share her heart with me, I would respond either defensively or in anger.

2. I became critical of her.

3. My wife felt I was smothering her. I worried too much about her driving when not feeling well (again, she has MS).

4. I started making more and more household decisions without considering my wife's opinion.

5. I broke my promise to her not to bring up an incident that happened in 2009 (she walked out on me then, but did not file for divorce.)

6. I became very self-absorbed.

7. At times, I was angry, harsh or mean with my words to her.

8. My wife suggested several times I speak with a therapist because I was under tremendous stress. Deep down, I thought she was on to something, but I felt I could handle it on my own. BIG mistake!

How am I working on myself?

The very week she left, I started going to counseling twice a week, and still do. I made an appoinment with a pyschiatrist and was diagnosed with a mild anxiety disorder. He prescribed a few mild meds and I take them daily as prescribed. I feel like my head is much clearer - except for the fact I miss my lovely wife.

I also attend a divorce support group at a local church.

I have volunteered serveral times to assist "Feed My Starving Children." It is a great organization and makes me feel so good helping others without expecting anything in return.

I used to play/coach ice hockey. I have started skating again and have placed my name on a coaching waiting list at a local rink.

I rarely contact my wife. When I do, I try to be humorous and not discuss our issues or the future. If she gets upset about something I always do my best to "take the high road."

I meditate daily and have dsicovered that it really helps me focus on thinking positive, rather than negative thoughts.

If there's a genuine reason to compliment my wife, I do. I don't think I overdo it, making it look like a measure to win her love back. (I used to compliment her often during our marraige, too.)

I admit I'm tired now -- I'm probably forgetting something.

I'll be online again soon.

Take care all -- this forum is a place filled with so much love and support!

Thank you all so much.

Bob

[AJM]

Hmm... can you give a little more about this? Why did she say she left that time?

5. I broke my promise to her not to bring up an incident that happened in 2009 (she walked out on me then, but did not file for divorce.)

What's your therapist think about the situation?

AJ

[Bob723]

AJ,

Thanks for responding! When she walked out in 2009, it was without warning, just as now. She said she left because she "needed space from me" and "I was starting too many arguments." I never felt the arguments were frequent or nasty, but her feelings are her feelings. Notice a pattern here?

In 2009, I was, like last year, under tremendous pressure. I went for therapy then and my wife returned after about 1 month. Looking back, I stopped going to therapy too soon.

Great question about my therapist. He is the same one I went to in 2009, and he thinks both times she left were very impulsive actions and unwarranted. Believe me, I have not (either time) held anything back in speaking with him. I have been honest about my part. He feels my wife's depression and low self-esteem play a huge role in this. He has already asked if I could ever trust her again if she did want to reconcile.

I feel I could still trust her, as I am on a medication that really, really helps keep me from getting anxious. After both of these episodes, my therapist and I agree that my wife is hyper-sensitive. If we were to reconcile, I have to remember that and stop the unneeded arguing!!

Bob

[Bob723]

I'm replying to my own post. HaHa.

I stumbled upon Denver_2010's sitch yesterday. Can anyone explain to me how Denver_2010 reconciled with his wife? I've used the search function but I can't seem to locate what I was reading yesterday.

Thanks!

Bob

[AJM]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rted&page=1

At some point, you may have to re-face that question of whether or not you can trust her. Just because you have changed, is not the same as saying she has. There are two in the relationship, right?

AJ

[Bob723]

AJ,

Thank you so, so much for posting the link to Denver_2010's posts.

I also want to thank you for taking an interest in my sitch.

You have an excellent point about whether or not I could trust her again. I think about it often, at this point I think I can but tomorrow I may feel differently.

I hope you are hanging in there AJ!

Bob

[25yearsmlc]

AJ,

Thank you so, so much for posting the link to Denver_2010's posts.

I also want to thank you for taking an interest in my sitch.

You have an excellent point about whether or not I could trust her again. I think about it often, at this point I think I can but tomorrow I may feel differently.

I hope you are hanging in there AJ!

Bob

I guess the bigger and more relevant question at this point, is how she could trust you to make AND keep the changes going.

According to her AND you, you start a lot of arguments, you don't seem able to stop them even when she asks you to wait til later, you use stress as an excuse to be critical and harp on her, and you tend to take over her decisions. Since life always presents us with stress, what guarantee would she have that the next time you are stressed, you won't make her miserable again?

I understand that stress also exacerbates MS symptoms. So maybe she feels she must do this self preservation act of leaving.

The behaviors you admit to having, would be a drag to any woman. What are you doing to change THOSE things?

Also, given your history of throwing her past actions in her face, seems to me the trust question is misplaced. I mean, isn't the problem with bringing up the past just going to continue if you keep harping about your trust for HER? Isn't that an exact replica of behavior she cannot stand?

Plus, what's to trust? She tried to get you to stop arguing the night before she left recently, but it was the exact same reason she gave for leaving you in 2009.

So from her perspective, nothing changed in you, and lasted. Do you get that?

You repeated the very same behavior that got her to leave before. So, it's you who tends to not keep your promises. Doesn't she have a legit reason to not trust you?

Rather than nagging you about it, I'd just repeat my earlier advice and again suggest you GAL, learn to Detach, be upbeat and positive.

Dependence on her isn't an attractive or healthy trait, so when you post, notice how much of your focus is on HER and Not on your own life.

When she calls, you must be like a man who is busy GAL, on your way to meet an interesting new person, or do a cool new activity or explore a new beautiful place.

Always presenting as a man interested in life, and interestING to be around. A guy any woman would want to be around. A good catch. Know this and project it, and be confident without being cocky.

She will notice more, what you do not point out. May seen paradoxical, but it's true.

You may also have to "fake it til you make it" but that's typical.

I recommend 2 TEDTALK videos too. One is by Amy Cuddy and the other is by Shawn Achor, and both are about the power of positive thinking. It's NOT BS. It's based on actual data.

One novel concept is that

** instead of waiting to feel an emotion - and then acting based on it,

behave in a new positive way, and THEN the emotions supporting it, will come.**

Someone asked me here about what I did to "get" my h to notice. I did not do anything to get him to notice. Sort of the opposite.

I just really began to assume my m was going to end but I had arrived at a place inside, that believed that my m would likely end, but I'd be just fine anyhow.

I listed some positives of h being gone (less tension in the home, more "chick flicks" seen, no more toilet seats left up, easier dinners, etc.) Sure, at first the list was just about small things but that still helped. Later, the list included more important issues and bigger factors that made my life easier, yet without h.

When that^^ really sinks in, it tends to radiate from within. You project more inner peace.

I applied for some one year assignments overseas, which my d's were fine with. I saw that H noticed, though I had not pointed it out to him.

I saw that h noticed when I seemed happier, and I stopped showing almost any anger around him. (Thanks to my DB coach, who was a true Godsend to me).

(I forced myself to get/act a lot more positive around h and then in time, I just felt more positive for real.)

Back then was the first time I'd ever thought about where I wanted to live, without worrying about what h wanted.

I joined things, and (my GAL list is here on this thread I think. It's long.)

I volunteered, I auditioned for plays and shows in live theater. Took lessons, and I met NEW people and did new things and pretty much made myself happier.

This^^ is really the only way I know to learn how to Detach. Plus, GAL helps a lot with the obsessing behaviors. The constant preoccupation with what THEY are doing/planning/feeling/thinking... is not healthy. And it's counter productive.

There's nothing more preoccupying than flying lessons and or theater. (It is almost impossible to worry about your spouse when you are piloting a plane at 7500 ft, or rehearsing for a live performance, you know?)

Anyhow, Bob, you need to dig deep and really address those anger issues and the desire to control her. Have you?

Have you looked up that personal growth workshop "Essential Experience"? I think I suggested it to you. It's in Philadelphia, and they have a website. Anyhow, it's a 4 day workshop that is life changing. (I mean that literally).

A 4 day workshop that for ME, was like 3 years of therapy in one long weekend. Huge changes came from doing that workshop. So check out their website. (I think there is actually one this month, & they only offer them a few times a year.)
Let me know about your inquiry if you make one.

Otherwise, I can only suggest you work harder on GAL and not obsessing about her so much. As for "how" to influence her or show her your changes when there is no contact, It's not easy but since it's not supposed to be about showing them, you have to let go of it. They usually have to contact you for some things. And in those few minutes of interaction, you make the most of them.


Maybe you can think of the situation this way.

This is an "exercise" of sorts. Here it is:

Imagine she had passed away and years had passed. Imagine that

your grief had mostly passed...and that you are now happy, content, at peace.

What would that look like? What would you be doing?

You'd be Living where? Would you have a new job? What is that like?

Would you travel more? What about a new hobby? Or class?

Would you exercise more, or get a different hair color/style? In other words, how would you look?

Flesh out the situation in your head.

What would your life be like without her, but with you being happy?

Details.....details....get the images clear in your head.

And now see, what of those^^ things, you can do now?

[25yearsmlc]

Hi AJ and Everyone!

AJ, I decided it was not a good idea to have flowers sent to my wife.

I haven't been logged into the forum much lately and keep forgetting to answer about what AJ just asked (others have asked, too):

"How did you break her heart? THAT is the type of information we need to best advise you. Otherwise we are in the dark about what the "real" problems are, to HER."

I broke my wife's heart as follows (in the last year or so):

1. When she tried to share her heart with me, I would respond either defensively or in anger.

How will you react differently, from this day forward?

2. I became critical of her.

How will this change? It's Not a small thing, btw.

3. My wife felt I was smothering her. I worried too much about her driving when not feeling well (again, she has MS).

What's different in your attitude, now? I mean, she still have MS and eventually it could worsen. How are you going to refrain from taking over?

4. I started making more and more household decisions without considering my wife's opinion.

See above.

5. I broke my promise to her not to bring up an incident that happened in 2009 (she walked out on me then, but did not file for divorce.)

Hmm, I would think she's got double the fears of you throwing this episode in her face, now.

If you refused to let go of the past then, why wouldn't you do the same thing now?

It's ironic too. She left you before, for pretty much the same exact reasons that she left you this past year.

So instead of you taking the opportunity to make AND keep your changes going, the changes that pushed her out the door, you made it as if you were the "victim". AND you blamed her for it as if she wronged you, and you brought it up repeatedly, even after she asked you to stop.

(Are you sure it's you who has the trust issue, and not her?)


6. I became very self-absorbed.

How so? And how are you different now?

7. At times, I was angry, harsh or mean with my words to her.

Okay, so your ill wife, who will likely increase in her needs, was the target of your abuse, temper and criticism.

That would be a bitter pill to swallow if one must contemplate that their illness is likely to progress...along with their needs.

Can you honestly work on NOT doing any of those things, from this day forward?
That is a minimum.

Also Have you ever apologized to her for the specific things you want to own?

(If not, please post your ideas here before writing or talking to her about it, b/c there are ways to do it and surely many ways NOT to. Make sense?


8. My [b]wife suggested several times I speak with a therapist because[/b] I was under tremendous stress. Deep down, I thought she was on to something, but I felt I could handle it on my own. BIG mistake!


You say you were under tremendous stress" but life throws curve balls all the time, so it's a given that stress WILL happen again.

How are you going to manage it better?

If she knows you are in therapy, and she is glad, then just BE CALMER and MORE UPBEAT every single time you two interact. Don't backslide.




How am I working on myself?

The very week she left, I started going to counseling twice a week, and still do.

What are you learning in there? What are you working on? Are you changing? how so?

I made an appoinment with a pyschiatrist and was diagnosed with a mild anxiety disorder. He prescribed a few mild meds and I take them daily as prescribed. I feel like my head is much clearer - except for the fact I miss my lovely wife.

This ^^ is all good, but somehow I'm struck by the impression that you are minimizing things here. Just a hunch. What do you think? You think your wife left b/c you have a "mild" anxiety problem?


I also attend a divorce support group at a local church.

I have volunteered serveral times to assist "Feed My Starving Children." It is a great organization and makes me feel so good helping others without expecting anything in return.


^^ All sounds great.


I used to play/coach ice hockey. I have started skating again and have placed my name on a coaching waiting list at a local rink.

I rarely contact my wife. When I do, I try to be humorous and not discuss our issues or the future. If she gets upset about something I always do my best to "take the high road."

What does this^^ mean? Examples?

I meditate daily and have discovered that it really helps me focus on thinking positive, rather than negative thoughts.


Makes sense to me.

If there's a genuine reason to compliment my wife, I do. I don't think I overdo it, making it look like a measure to win her love back. (I used to compliment her often during our marriage, too.)

I understand that you don't want to over do it. But is it unreasonable to compliment your wife? What do you mean "IF there is a genuine reason"?

it costs you nothing. If you have read the "Five Love Languages" book (by Chapman), I wonder if you can tell us what you think HER Love languages are.

How does she SHOW her love and how does she Receive it?


I admit I'm tired now -- I'm probably forgetting something.

I'll be online again soon.

Take care all -- this forum is a place filled with so much love and support!

Thank you all so much.

Bob

Good luck Bob. I hope this wasn't too harsh but I have to sometimes go with my hunches. And I have a hunch that you are glossing over too many things.

Dig deep and be brave. It's hard to do but having your marriage end when you want it to last, is harder.