Wife Walked Away 10 Weeks Ago

[Bob723]

mahhhty,

As always, you are spot on! I have been seeing a counselor since the first wk we were separated--but thanks for the tip. I have also read DR and may pick up DB, too. After my W's text about me leaving our house, I did respond in a confident way that I've moved on with my life--with our without her. That's something new for me.

You have an excellent point: "Explaining is justifying, which is reasoning, which is off limits."

I will continue to work on making myself a better person, especially working on self-esteem issues. I believe that had a ,ot to do with the mess we are in. I felt guilty about not being able to help my W more and a few other things which were no fault of mine at all. In the process, I believe I took it out on my W, not realizing it at the time.

The hardest part of this is living apart, not having spoken in about 5 weeks, and only ocassional texts.

As I mentioned above, I know I can improve myself and will never give up on that--for me. But, honestly, I still love my W and wish she can see the changes. Other than not pestering her with calls/texts like I used to weeks ago, I'm not sure how she'll be able to tell if I've made positive, lasting changes.

[25yearsmlc]

mahhhty,

As always, you are spot on! I have been seeing a counselor since the first wk we were separated--but thanks for the tip. I have also read DR and may pick up DB, too. After my W's text about me leaving our house, I did respond in a confident way that I've moved on with my life--with our without her. That's something new for me.

You texted that to her? May I suggest you run those types of contacts by us before sending them next time?

Texting isn't a great way to communicate and I'm not sure "Telling" her how you have changed really does much. Or how it came off.

Maybe it came off as punitive...can't say b/c I don't know how you worded it or if you did it out of nowhere, which would be strange looking.

You have an excellent point: "Explaining is justifying, which is reasoning, which is off limits."

I will continue to work on making myself a better person, especially working on self-esteem issues. I believe that had a ,ot to do with the mess we are in.

Rather than waiting til we feel better about ourselves (and then we hope we will BEHAVE better), why not begin Acting better now, and maybe FEEL better about it all, later on?

I mean, it's about how you treat your wife, more than how you feel about it, isn't it?


I felt guilty about not being able to help my W more and a few other things which were no fault of mine at all.

if nothing was your fault, what's to change? What control do you have there?


In the process, I believe I took it out on my W, not realizing it at the time.

Few of us realize at the time that we are scapegoating our spouses. What does that mean to you?

The hardest part of this is living apart, not having spoken in about 5 weeks, and only ocassional texts.

As I mentioned above, I know I can improve myself and will never give up on that--for me. But, honestly, I still love my W and wish she can see the changes.

the "math" equation of this is

consistent changes + Sufficient time = change she can believe in.

Do you know HOW you will show her changes when you do see or contact her?

What are your 180s? Be specific, please. IT's easier for YOU that way.

Other than not pestering her with calls/texts like I used to weeks ago, I'm not sure how she'll be able to tell if I've made positive, lasting changes.

That^^ is your challenge, isn't it? Explore it a lot and let us know what you want to try.

[Bob723]

Hi 25yearsmic,

Thanks for taking time to respond. Ironic, I did think about posting this to the board and asking:

I did respond in a confident way that I've moved on with my life--with our without her.

Then I realized it's one of Sandi's 37 Rules to (getting spouse to see we've moved on) and since I've never said or texted that before, and we are seperated I thought it was a good opportunity, because I gently let her know I don't have to agree to every one of her requests (I thought she might respect me for that.) But,I think I know what you're getting at: Actions speak loader than words.

Also, this most certainly is about how I treat my wife, more than how you feel about it. I have sent her things every time she has requested (4 maybe), given her more of a monthly allowance than before she filed (she's unable to work), etc. Back when we were speaking, I did by very best to listen to hear.

One thing I did recently was send her a hand-written letter detailing what I feel I've heard her say about how I broke her heart, and let her know that I empathize (without actually using the word empathize.)

I just re-read Michelle's "Last Resort Technique." One of the 180s I have done is quit drinking alcohol. I never drank much, but usually had a whiskey or vodka before bed. My wife didn't mind, but looking back on it I believe it made me feel more anxious. (I know alcohol is a depressant.) I quit drinking the day she left and haven't had a sip since. My W does know this and said she thought that was a good thing. Another 180 is I do not discuss the future of our marriage with my W. A few times, early on, I told her I love her. I haven't done that in about 9 weeks.

I understand the only way my W will reconsider is if she feels confident enough that I have truly changed. Somehow, I think she has noticed some. Why? A text she sent me at 3:00 AM the morning after she asked about me leaving our home. (Again, per my lawyer, I should not do this.)

Here's the relavant part of my W's reply:

"It would appear you haven't changed much at all. That's what I thought!"

I know, not exactly very encouraging, but the part "much at all" I interpret to mean she has noticed some change in me.

Thoughts anyone?

Thanks.

Bob

[25yearsmlc]

Hi 25yearsmic,

Thanks for taking time to respond. Ironic, I did think about posting this to the board and asking:

I did respond in a confident way that I've moved on with my life--with our without her.

Then I realized it's one of Sandi's 37 Rules to (getting spouse to see we've moved on) and since I've never said or texted that before, and we are seperated I thought it was a good opportunity, because I gently let her know I don't have to agree to every one of her requests (I thought she might respect me for that.) But,I think I know what you're getting at: Actions speak loader than words.

Read the rules again about how we are not to "point out" our alleged changes. They are for us, not them. Plus it will come off as premature at best. And it sets you up for failure, which is how she saw it when she said "you have not changed much at all.


Also, this most certainly is about how I treat my wife, more than how you feel about it. I have sent her things every time she has requested (4 maybe), given her more of a monthly allowance than before she filed (she's unable to work), etc. Back when we were speaking, I did by very best to listen to hear.

do you determine how much money SHE is allowed to spend every month? If so, you may want to discuss that with women here. IMO, that's mega controlling.

And out of date, but again, you can raise that with others to see if i"m being fair. I don't want to speak for others.


One thing I did recently was send her a hand-written letter detailing what I feel I've heard her say about how I broke her heart, and let her know that I empathize (without actually using the word empathize.)

How did you break her heart? THAT is the type of information we need to best advise you. Otherwise we are in the dark about what the "real" problems are, to HER.


I just re-read Michelle's "Last Resort Technique."


LAST Resort is for the LAST Thing you do, meaning that you do that approach AFTER you have tried the others.

What have you tried so far? You have not been at this for long. At least not in the DB world.

One of the 180s I have done is quit drinking alcohol. I never drank much, but usually had a whiskey or vodka before bed. My wife didn't mind, but looking back on it I believe it made me feel more anxious. (I know alcohol is a depressant.) I quit drinking the day she left and haven't had a sip since. My W does know this and said she thought that was a good thing. Another 180 is I do not discuss the future of our marriage with my W. A few times, early on, I told her I love her. I haven't done that in about 9 weeks.

GOOD

I understand the only way my W will reconsider is if she feels confident enough that I have truly changed. Somehow, I think she has noticed some. Why? A text she sent me at 3:00 AM the morning after she asked about me leaving our home. (Again, per my lawyer, I should not do this.)

Here's the relavant part of my W's reply:

"It would appear you haven't changed much at all. That's what I thought!"

I know, not exactly very encouraging, but the part "much at all" I interpret to mean she has noticed some change in me.

Thoughts anyone?

Thanks.

Bob

I think she's giving you a clue about what she wants you to do, which is to CHANGE. And hurry it up.

I do not see it very much as "encouraging" that she said "much at all."

If it were me, I would have said that to give lip service to whatever minor changes I might have noticed.

If I had noticed a specific change that I cared about, I'd have mentioned it specifically. But maybe that's just me.

Thing is, you have more work to do and I really suggest you Dig Deeper.

Can you do that? Did you say you hired a DB coach? I'm sure glad I did.

[Zelda09]

25Yrs, Bob -

This thread is helpful to read. Bob, I wish you so much luck...

25 - You busted your D, and your advice I've seen all over here is good...what can LBS do to demonstrate changes if there is little or no contact, and WAS is clear they want their space? Obviously respecting their wishes. But where is the opportunity?

How did you do it? Can you give us an idea of what it looked like over the years and what kept you going?

[mahhhty]

Zelda and Bob,
There is no easy fix to getting your spouse back.

You need to find yourself. Become the happiest version of yourself in a dark time. Identify the things/behaviors you did to push your spouse away, and make a conscious effort into understanding why you did them and to not act that way any longer. Become a compassionate caring person. Regardless of what you did or what was done to you. The past is the past, time to learn from it and move forward.

This is my 2 cents.

25 is much better at this than me.

[Bob723]

mahhhty,

You are very good at this. Sadly, you are correct. There is no easy way to get your WAW back, especially with very little contact.

I will continue to work on correcting the things that pushed her away. Last week, we had to speak on the phone (for her sake, but that's fine!!) and she mentioned she was stopping by our house to pick up a few of her things and asked that I not be there. It hurts--but the last time she made such a request I made the mistake of saying, "It would be so nice to see you." It must've made me sound needy. I should've waited for her to bring it up if she felt comfortable.

I wonder if she noticed that this time I didn't ask that at all and confidently said, "Sure, I'll make sure I'm not at home." If nothing else, I can feel good about making a small change.

Thanks again for your support!

Bob

[mahhhty]

I'm here for you Bob.

You have to think the worst. And the worst is that she will not see any changes, and you will get no validation for your hard work. Someone smart once said, do you want to be married or do you want to be right. It no longer matters who is right or wrong it is only about reconnecting.

When you do talk to her, even better see her. Use Sandi's Rules... Act as though you have had an awakening and that you are moving on. Have fun, crack jokes, be mysterious. Do not give her the key to identify what you are doing. Be the best version you possibly can and break the ice if you can.

From my own experience, it is really hard to be the best version of yourself for an hour, when you are still developing that person. But at this point, being that person as though you always were is the most important thing.

After you have read DB and DR, check out The Solo Partner. It is a great book with worksheets on the pursuer distancer relationship. Definitely a good read.

Good luck Sir. I'm rooting for you.

[Bob723]

Hi mahhhty,

Thanks so much for the encouragement and checking in on me. Thank you also for the book recommendation. It has now been 16 weeks, and theonly time we saw each other was about 2 week ago in court. She acted like she didn't know me.

I have been, and will continue to work on myself!

Oh, we did speak a little on Friday and I got her to laugh a bit.

This is so hard!

[Bob723]

Hello All,

Based on Sandi's 37 DB Rules I think I know the answer to this already, but I'll ask anyway.

Does anyone think it is a good idea to send my wife flowers for V-Day? We have now been seperated 16 weeks and she i still 3 1/2 hours away living with her (sorry, but it's true) controlling Mom.

Thanks!

Bob