1.why does it seem harder for the fairer sex to be able to lower their pride?
2. Maybe the same question, but does it seem harder for women to offer true forgiveness?
3.(any maybe the biggest question) while women typically have a bigger support system, Have any of you women finally gone against, or possibly realized that your GF's and BFFs were possibly giving you selfish or poor advice about leaving? (possibly not knowing both sides of the story?)?. and how did you come to realize this and what was your "revelation moment"?
1.why does it seem harder for the fairer sex to be able to lower their pride?
I actually always think the opposite is true. Men seem to prefer to keep their pride regardless of what the cost is.
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2. Maybe the same question, but does it seem harder for women to offer true forgiveness?
I also have to disagree with this. For women, we need to know we are heard and understood. I'm sorry is not usually enough to forgive. And just like the focus on the family article you linked for me (thank you, by the way, it was a good read) forgiving is not forgetting. Forgiving, I think, is something you need to do for yourself more than for the other person. You need it to move forward, for yourself. And until you can truly internalize that, you cannot express your forgiveness to the person who wronged you. And if the person who wronged you doesn't truly understand the reasons behind the anger, then peace cannot come. I'm sorry means nothing if the person is completely dismissive of the impact it has on the wronged. You can only really forgive once you know you will not be able to be hurt by that particular event again. Either by setting your own boundary, or by having complete trust that the person gets it.
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3.(any maybe the biggest question) while women typically have a bigger support system, Have any of you women finally gone against, or possibly realized that your GF's and BFFs were possibly giving you selfish or poor advice about leaving? (possibly not knowing both sides of the story?)?. and how did you come to realize this and what was your "revelation moment"?
First of all, I think most women are fully capable of thinking for themselves and while female friends are excellent listeners and great sounding board, when women discuss their issues, it is a way of figuring it out. Woman think and talk at the same time. I talk to myself a lot because the only way for me to work through problems is to vocalize them. When I was trying to protect H's privacy and not confiding in anyone about our issues I was constantly talking to myself. No other woman is going to convince me to leave my husband. When I decide it is time to leave I will tend to talk to the people who are more likely to support my decision to leave. Before I was ready to end my marriage talking to people who tried to convince me to leave had the opposite effect--because it made me defensive of him. Once I made up my mind that this isn't working anymore there advice helps gives me resolve, but I still tend to defend him. Woman don't confide in others because they are looking to be told what to do. That is part of the big communication problem with men and woman. Women talk about their problems because just the talking makes it feel better. Men hear women talking about their problems and feel the need to solve the problems for them. Women get resentful because they don't want you to tell them what to do, they just want you to listen. The talking about it makes it feel better, even if the problem still exists. And knowing you are heard and validated is comforting.
Confiding in other women is more of a process of navigating through the problem and understanding it on a different level. Not so much about trying to find solutions. So I don't think you can put this on your W's friends. They are her support system for the choices she is making and the things she is feeling, they are not the ones making those choices for her.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
It seems I have been and I am still ignorant to many of my W's feelings. I really need to stop the "mind reading". It shows that I still have a way to go in my journey of healing and understanding.
When meeting with my therapist last week, I let him read the emails in my other post. He told me that regardless of the "level of validity" of her concerns, it was all surrounded by her feeling, or lack there of, Security. It was a breakthrough moment for me. Now all I have to do is figure out, how to re-inject security to her, for her to feel comfortable with exploring the possibility of our future together.
Thanks again for the women's insight on this. I cannot believe how helpful this board has been to me and the others seeking help and advice..
anyone else want to chime in on this???
I hope there are some guys reading this that are in the same boat as I am... this was an eye-opening reply.
Together 06-04 Married 10-05 She Left 10-11-14 I filed 10-22-14
There is a book called "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About IT" I read it early on in my DBing and it really was quite insightful. It explains the difference between men and women and it really helped me understand H's perspective a bit more. I think I wrote a post about it last year--maybe in my starting to get it Thread.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Thanks Cadet...being a guy or even an LBS for that matter, Its hard not to try and diagnose things to find our where the wheels came off the choo-choo. I admit, I am still mind reading and have been proven more times than not that I im misunderstanding things... unless of course she is being untruthful. I am working on it... It seems to be a bigger process than I imagined.
Thanks for the input.
Together 06-04 Married 10-05 She Left 10-11-14 I filed 10-22-14
