Wife Still in MLC but has now Left #8

[LoisB]

Happy Birthday Matt!!!!

[Matt165]

Hello Friends,
Been awhile since I posted, have had a lot going on. Well, the good news is I passed my 2nd test. I still need to get my license which may take 3 weeks. I also found out that I need to take a series of courses specific to the company I'm going to be working for as well. I am supposed to start Feb. 1st but am planning to use next week to start those courses. As for the company I work for now, the guy who is "in charge" (he put up most of the money to start the business) has been away almost every day since Christmas and I didn't want to tell him by email that I quit. Every time I tried to see him he wasn't around! Now I have no choice and am just going to have to tell him any way possible. At this point I really don't care as he hasn't been at all helpful nor has he done his part for the business. I honestly don't see how he plans to stay in business once I'm gone or even if I stayed for that matter. Right now I must think of myself and what is best for me and my family and getting this new job is what is best.

As for my W and the kids....things are a bit in flux and I'm worried about D15. W is all over the map, more than ever. Sometimes she's nice, sometimes she's awful. One thing that is consistent is she is being extremely hard on D15...to the point where she is really getting upset with her mother AND it's effecting her. At this point D15 has very little to do with W. She says that the best part of being at her mom's is that W is so seldom home and when she is D15 just stays in her room. I went to pick up D15 one day this week later than usual and her mom was home when I got there. Of course W was only there because she was waiting for a friend to come over as they were going out together. While I was there I watched her be so short with D15 complaining about things that really weren't that bad. Like she has left a bowl in the sink. Yes, she needs to clean up after herself but the way she went on about it and her tone was way over the top. W seemed depressed and when I talked to her she acted very tired, said that she was going out with so and so but all she really wanted to do was stay home, had no energy...the way she was before she left but blamed on me and her "bad marriage". I know my W well enough to see the signs of her going back into one of her depressive periods. Not my sand box and I was nice and made small talk while waiting for D15 to get ready. Then her friend came and she left.

While she was gone and I was waiting for D15 I saw a notebook. I figured it was D15's and opened it up just to see what it was. In it D15 had written page after page about how bad she feels, how unhappy she is, etc. Then it talked about what can only be that she is cutting! How it makes her feel better with "each cut". I also have noticed that she always is wearing long sleeves lately as well. I haven't said anything to her yet (this was just the day before yesterday) and I'm a bit concerned about how to bring it up. Last night I made sure that she was able to spend time with one of her friends from her old school. It meant having to spend the evening with four teenagers at the movies and dinner but I felt it was important she get that time. When I picked her up I waited in my car for her. She came out really angry and said that we had to wait for a friend to meet us but there was no way she was going back inside because "mom's acting like a freak again!". When I asked what was wrong she said she was being her "usual self" yelling and complaining.

D15's relationship with her mother is between them, I really don't think I could do anything even if I was inclined to get involved. But at the same time if D15 is cutting that has to be addressed. I had wanted to talk to D19 and see what she may think about her sister and maybe D15 might be more open to talking to her. We were supposed to get together today but D19 was sick and we never were able to. D15 has to go back to her mom's for the week tomorrow evening. I really need to speak with her about what I read. I've looked up as much info as I can find about cutting and I don't think she's in any big danger but it is not a good sign of her mental health and she can end up hurting herself. She seems happy when she is with me and we get along great. I give her her space when she asks but we do spend a lot time together as well. Heck, she's 15, I'm lucky she just doesn't stay in her room and on her phone and computer 24/7.

It's a bad time right now to have this to deal with with all I have to do just to get my own life back in gear. But this isn't something I can put off. I'm so worried about D15, how she is dealing with her mom's craziness, her mom's craziness and how she seems blind to how it's affecting her own D is also something I just can't understand. I get she's in crisis and all but my God, how can she be so blind to what she is doing to her own child? I know she's not 'rational" but how does she just not see or care about something so important? I know, I just have to realize that W just isn't someone I know. That she just doesn't care about the things she once did. I guess I need to stop being surprised by anything she may or may not care about or do.

Anyone who knows anything about "cutting" or has had to deal with a child who did this please let me know. Thanks!

[Ggrass]

Seriously Matt, I'm not sure how to advise you.

My thought and I have no experience, is try your local Heath service they might be able to point you in the direction of relevant services.

This is serrious and you cannot wait. Maybe welfare? in this country known as docs can offer help. Scream loud get help fast.

This is a really really tough one.

[Lifes Twists]

Matt,

Does your daughter have a counselor? If she does, I would maybe see if you can meet with the counselor and bring this up. If she doesn't, then you should get her one.

If your wife is not there as much as you say she is, then you need to try and find a way to document this. I am not sure how, but if you can you will be able to maybe use it in court to get custodial care of your daughter.

If you can't document it you may have to consider getting your state department of children and families involved. I know this sounds drastic, but from my experience it was not as bad as people think. They would do an investigation. They would interview your daughter, her mother, you, maybe a counselor if given permission. If they find the situation is bad, they would probably first recommend that you take the daughter for most of the time. If your wife does not agree, they could even go to court and force it for your daughters welfare. They won't disclose who reported the issue.

[LoisB]

Matt,

I agree with Life. She needs some help.

Have you asked her recently, if she wants to continue living with her mom? That may be the place to start. If she says that she's had enough, then problem solved.

[BrightFuture]

I agree with Heather. Isn't she old enough to choose where she wants to live?

[AJM]

Yeah, I do believe the first thing I'd do is get your daughter to a good counselor. I know money's tight, but cutting is a sign she needs help. A big neon sign.

Congrats on the test, Matt. I know things are hectic and difficult, but your daughter needs your help. She won't like it if you bring it up, but if you contact the counselor and tell them, then take her to talk to the counselor (she won't want to go, but be the dad) the counselor can bring it up in a safe way that won't drive her to run screaming from the room.

It's not an easy thing to deal with your parents divorce. Especially if your mom is acting like that. You start to wonder if it's hereditary, and then you really get scared and angry. Your daughter needs a release, but it doesn't sound like she's found a good way to do that. Nip this in the bud.

AJ

[tadpole1025]

I'll chime in.

I have no experience with cutting, but something similar. When I first started my MLC rollercoaster ride, I was doing something similar to cutting. I don't think I ever mentioned it here, but I would burn myself. I'd hold a cigarette to my arm. It didn't matter how much it hurt either. Eventually, the pain went away. For some strange reason, it made me feel better. It was almost addicting. Do what you can to get her help Matt.

I now have about a dozen scars on my arms from cigarette burns. I was able to cover one of them with a tattoo, but to be honest, my arms now look awful. As I said, get her help man. The sooner the better.

Man, this MLC stuff really messes people up.

Tad

[Matt165]

Hi everyone and thanks for posting,
I brought cutting up with D15 in a very casual way today just to get an idea of what might be going on. She has recently started to identify herself as "Emo" (short for emotional) and kids who are "Emo" dress in jeans and band T-shirts, like to wear black and write poetry. Many also are into "cutting". I asked her straight out if she cut herself. This started the conversation and it turns out that she has friends who are into doing it and tell her that it makes them feel better. She has thought about it and the writings in her notebook were the things that they were telling her they feel when they do it. She has thought about trying it but has chickened out. She said that she is less upset than she was when her mom first told her she was moving, that music was the thing that got her through it. That and writing poetry (she has written poetry for years and is published and won a large contest when she was only 11 years old against much older kids).

I asked her about moving in with me but the problem there is I live too far from her friends and school. She says that it doesn't bother her to live with her mother because she hardly ever has to see her anyway. She has learned to just tone her out when she starts "freaking" (her word) on her and just goes to her room and listens to music. Where I live now she is 30 miles from school and her friends. Right now she has the freedom to pretty much do whatever she wants after school most days since her mom isn't home until late most nights. When with me she actually sees less of her friends as I pick her up after school. When my new job starts she will have about an hour and half until I pick her up where she'll be at her mom's. This will give her time to see her friends (but not so much where she can get into a lot of trouble. Now she is alone until 9:00 most nights). I do think that if her sister was to move back in with me, she would probably want to stay here. To do that D19 has to get a car. D19 does want to move back but wouldn't be able to go to school or work unless she has a car, something her mother and I planned on helping her do until B-day changed W's priorities and it was more important for her to move out on her own.

I do know I'm going to need to be watchful with D15. Just the fact that she has considered cutting is a very bad sign and tells me she is having problems dealing with the sitch. And you're right about her worrying if it's hereditary. She says often how she is afraid she is going to go crazy when she gets older "like mom has". Gee, sounds like W is just so much happier on her own away from me since I was definitely the cause of her being so very miserable. What does it take to make these MLCers wake up? I'm guessing she is thinking that once the D is final THEN she'll be happy. That she is blaming the fact that it isn't final yet for her not feeling all the happiness she expected. But that is mind reading on my part. Who knows what goes on in her mind.

So, tonight I get a text from D19. She has been sick the last few days but can't go to the Dr. because her mother won't give her a insurance card. She is on her mom's insurance from work but when D19 asked for a card so she can go to the Dr, her mom said that unless she moves in with her, she can't have one. D19 will not move in with her mom. She just doesn't want to deal with her crazy, would have to quit her job, wouldn't be able to go to school. Not only that she would need to share a small room with her sister. W moved into a 3 BR home but turned one room into an "office" (that she hasn't used once in 7 months) instead of making a space for D19. That sent her a signal that her mom didn't want her anyway. D19 said that she knows how it would go once she moved in and she doesn't want any part of her mom's craziness. D19 doesn't make much but is now thinking she has to go to a hospital because they let you pay over time and can't use her insurance card! What is W thinking doing this? Does she really want D19 to go into debt because she has to go to the Dr to make a point and get HER way? I mean she's paying for that insurance, why not let her use it? My card (with D19's name on it) expired Jan 1st and W hasn't given me a new one. As far as I know she didn't include me for this year (even though by law she can't drop me until we are officially D'd) so I can't help her. W's craziness is just so tiring. I am going to look into putting D19 on my insurance once I get working and my office starts to offer group insurance. Until then, I just don't know how to help D19. Her mother won't listen to me and I really don't want to get involved since it would probably just make things worse. Nothing W hates more that being told that she should do something she doesn't want to.

I talked to D15 about going to a counselor and she really was against it. At this point, I don't think forcing her to go would help but I do need to be watchful. Just the fact that she has thought about cutting, has friends that tell her that it "works" is not good. I need to look for signs that she is doing it. I also need to watch for all the other ways kids try and deal with stress and upset in their lives like drugs or boys. So far she is doing well. Has all "A's", seems to be making friends. That can change quickly, especially if her mom gets worse. Add onto this the fact that her mom wouldn't allow her to take drivers ed after she thought she would be able if she got "A's", that she can't talk to her mom about her problems or troubles and I have to keep an eye on her. This is one of the big reasons I never wanted to get a D. I was so sure I could work out any problem, married someone who also thought this way but all that changed as soon as MLC came into the picture. It never occurred to me that nothing could be done to save a M. I really believed that any problem could be worked out. I was wrong.

I'm am so tired of all this, people. I mean it never ends! I really don't care what my W is doing or who she is doing it with. I just wish she could just not make things worse for the girls. When she left she said that she was going to be a "better mother" because she would be happy. So far that little prediction hasn't come true! How long will it take until she starts to realize that D isn't the magic answer to her problems? How long will it be until she wakes up enough to see what she is doing to her kids? How long before I stop asking that stupid question that has no answer! I have had my fill of MLC. Heck, I'm ready to start a telethon to raise awareness of the dangers of it! Yet W just keeps running full speed to nowhere and myself and my D's and our family keep having to pay the price. Yet, I will need to deal with her for years, at least until D15 is out of High School. Not a fun thought.

[LoisB]

Matt! You say, "Roll up your sleeves."

And, she doesn't have a choice with counseling. BE THE DAD.