Hello all. Time for a new thread. My how quickly they seem to pass... My Old thread was "Wife Still in MLC but has now left #7". I still don't know how to set up a link. Anyone who can help I would great appreciate it. Thanks!
OK. Much happening around the old homestead. What with Christmas almost upon us, as sad as this one will be.
My W has been telling my D15 that her sister and I will be included in any plans for Christmas day. I have had my doubts as she hasn't said anything to me about it and told that to my D15. Her response was that I was wrong to think that and her mother had better not not include me or she would let her "have it" (whatever that means to a 15 year old). Well, yesterday we come to find out that W has changed her mind as it now seems that I am not going to be invited. Her plans seem to be for me to pick up D19 after she is done working and take her and D15 to MIL's for dinner after W is done work. After that MIL, W and both girls are going to go to W's so they all can wake up for Christmas day together, open presents, etc. She has told me that she will meet me late Christmas night when she takes D19 back to the city to give D15 back to me (it's my week).
I think W waited to tell D15 so she wouldn't have a chance to protest or try and talk her out of it. Of course it was wrong of her to let D15 think otherwise like she did. How mean and selfish. Of course I didn't plan anything because W let me know since I spent TG with the girls, Christmas was HER thing. Both the girls have been getting more and more talkative about how tried they are of their mothers antics. D15 is especially angry lately and complains about how her mother can't seem to talk to her about anything. All she gets from her mother is complaints. She says she has been acting very stressed and is always "acting weird".
When my D's complain about their mother, I don't comment. I let them speak their minds and just listen and say I'm sorry that this is happening. I try to use the DB principals and just validate and listen. Yesterday my D15 said something that really took me by surprise. She said that she really wants me to be happy. That she knows that I'm not ready yet but that some day I will find someone new, someone to love that loves me back and treats me well. That she knows that I would have done anything to make W happy, to work out the problems in our M and that her mother refused and that I deserve love in my life. That she hates to see me so alone. She added that whoever it was had better treat me right and be approved of by her! She also said that she doesn't want the same for her mom. That her mom doesn't deserve to have someone in her life that treats her well as she had that and threw it away. She said her mom said the other day that she may start to date again and it made her angry. She said the thought of me dating doesn't make her angry and even thinks it's time I started! I told her that I would never date anyone who I had any question that they didn't like her and her sister and understood that the two of them will always be a priority and is OK with that. She told me that she knows that right now "You're a bit cynical when it comes to love and romance" (this is a pretty sharp 15 year old folks!) but that she wants me to get over that and "Really be happy again".
Wow. I was shocked and so many emotions went through me. I was proud of her, touched by her, worried for her but I know I must be doing something right to have a D like her who loves me this much. It was the best Christmas gift she could ever have given me and I needed it right about now. The lawyer called and said that the final meeting to try and come to an agreement is on 12/30 at 10:15 AM. The day after my first test and 6 days before my 2nd. W is bound and determined to end our M ASAP...this year is her goal. I have so much to do before than and need to not have to think about that. I need to study, not be thinking about what I'm willing to give up or how to defend my position on things. But none of that matters. Only what SHE wants matters. Heck, not even what her D's want or is best for them matters to her...only she and what she wants matters and she isn't willing to wait for it either.
Looks like a lonely Christmas day for me, folks. And because I thought that I was going to be with the kids at least part of the day, it's too late to make other plans. I'm going to make the best of it though. It helps knowing that my D's love me and know how much I care about them. At least I have THAT going for me!
I commend you for your efforts with your daughters. I too, have a very bright 16 yr old who has grown up wise beyond her years. I actually think its a great lesson for them navigating life's journey.
Hopefully when your by "yourself" you will eventually not feel alone. Your internal strength should eventually compensate for that.
I am by myself a lot more now but do not feel alone. it's actually empowering.
Merry Christmas to you and your daughters! You have come a long way and will continue.
Praise God you have your D to love you and appreciates everything you are doing. Great job!
I'm sorry that your W wants this D so badly. I so feel your pain.
It's sad that the time we should be with our loved ones that these MLC'ers are ready to mess it up. You are the better person. Keep moving forward. Blessings for your tests. Eye on the prize...love and peace.
Looks like a lonely Christmas day for me, folks. And because I thought that I was going to be with the kids at least part of the day, it's too late to make other plans. I'm going to make the best of it though. It helps knowing that my D's love me and know how much I care about them. At least I have THAT going for me!
Keep building on that attitude, Matt. Keep building on finding the positives, even with all these bad things and uncertainty, we/you are very privileged, here is a list I found that helped me re-gain perspective during my difficult times:
Quote:
You are alive. You didn’t go to sleep hungry last night. You didn’t go to sleep outside. You had a choice of what clothes to wear this morning. You haven’t spent a minute in fear for your life. You know someone who loves you. You have access to clean drinking water. You have access to medical care. You have access to the Internet. You can read.
And here is another I recently read:
Quote:
Everything that happens helps you grow, even if it’s hard to see right now. – Circumstances will direct you, correct you, and perfect you over time. Sometimes these circumstances knock you down, hard. There will be times when it seems like everything that could possibly go wrong is going wrong. And you might feel like you will be stuck in this rut forever, but you won’t. When you feel like quitting, remember that sometimes things have to go very wrong before they can be right. Sometimes you have to go through the worst, to arrive at your best. Because our most significant opportunities are often found in times of great difficulty. Thus, you will face your greatest opposition when you are closest to your biggest miracle.
Please do lots of good, special things for you on xmas day. Is there a church service on xmas day you could attend? A homeless shelter you could volunteer at, a soup kitchen?
Our kids are older, they are seeing the truths of the sitch, both sides... trust that truth always makes itself known, sooner or later.
Have a great Xmas, remember the real meaning and you won't be alone.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Thanks mirage, vge and T2, Tonight as my D's and W were leaving MIL's D15, got very emotional. She gave me the biggest hug I've gotten from her in ages (she's at an age where hugging me isn't something she does often). I thought she was going to cry. Of course, W was oblivious to the whole thing. At dinner all she talked about was herself and work, occasionally about Christmas's in the past. Her biggest worry of the night was what pictures to put on her Facebook page with the girls asking her not to put certain pictures on and her saying she looked good in those so she just HAD to put them on....just so much like a teenager. I did notice that she was more able to look me in the eyes when we spoke. For my part I did rather well in the DB principles. I made sure to validate and listen and steer the conversation away when it strayed to R subjects. Before I left, I made sure to sincerely wish her a merry Christmas and she seemed taken aback at first but wished me the same.
I just don't understand her and what she wants and why she thinks ending our M will get her this. From what she was saying at dinner, it seems like she is getting a lot more attention from her "friends" at work, something she has wanted since she went back to work. Her R with the people that she works with is more important than that with her D's. She is still so much in replay, so fixated on being part of her "group". Watching her interact with D15 and from what D15 has been saying about how she has been behaving towards her, I can see she is stressed and probably depressed/anxious. I wanted to ask her why she is so intent on pushing to finalize the D but this wasn't the time nor the place. I just pushed the thoughts and the feelings that come when I think about that away and focused on fact that it's Christmas and this was the only time I would be with my girls until after, the last thing they needed was either of their parents upset.
I will say that I'm so much more detached around her. In fact, I really don't see her as someone I really want in my life right now. All she can think about is herself, all she talks about are things that have to do with her and doesn't really listen or add when the subject isn't about her. She's obsessed with Facebook and what she projects to the FB world. In short, nothing like she used to be, like the person I M. In short, not someone I would consider having a R with if I just met her. Of course, I still remember well who she once was, our shared history, that she is the mother of my girls. It's much easier now to see past that and see her for who she is now. I guess that comes with detachment. Still, it is sad when I think of all the hurt she is causing the girls and so many others. How messed up she has become because of her MLC. The fact that my life will forever be changed because of her. How, in the end, I just couldn't count on her when I needed her most.
Oh, well. I'll be going to church alone and spending "quality time" with my dog. This will be the first time I EVER spent Christmas alone without any family. My family (other than my girls) are all 1600 miles away. I will make the most of it. Maybe visit some neighbors. I do know I'll be fine. Just different. Merry Christmas everyone!!
The reoccurring theme for you is seeking the answer to "WHY?". No matter how hard you try to find it, you will never find it yourself. Maybe your wife will come up with the answer, probably not. Your search for why will be like the search for the fountain of youth. I hope you will find some peace today. I also hope you will turn your search to things that you can find the answer too.
Merry Christmas
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Matt, Life Twists is right about one thing...you may never know the "why" of things when it comes to your wife. Please understand that what she's doing isn't personal towards you, but it's a mission back in time to the place where she was emotionally stunted, a place where all of this childhood stuff began. Yes, she's still in replay and acting out and yes, she's more in tune w/the attention she's getting from her friends because she's acting out the age of approximately 16 or so.
She is reliving the past in order to come forward and grow up and be a more responsible, mature woman. Whether she wakes up or not is something we will not know for a long time. Believe it or not, but your daughters are more mature than she is right now. Yes, they are having a difficult time dealing w/a mom who acting out, but if you continue to be there for them and help them navigate this mess, they will know that they have a stable, safe place to come...to your place. Listen, validate and let them know you are always there for them.
As for today, Christmas, get out there...visit friends, neighbors and you can always visit the nursing home and just visit w/the patients there. You don't have to say much, but many of them have no families and a kind word makes their day. It is a choice as to whether to spend the day alone or get out there and find some things to do. I do hope you'll take your dog for a walk and them visit w/neighbors.
Merry Christmas!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hey LT and job, Hope you had a good Christmas. You are so right about my looking for the "why". I think that is because I want to believe that there is more fundamental fairness in the world. That the person I knew so well just couldn't not care about all the people she is hurting. That it's just not possible for a person to change so much so fast. I know intellectually that is exactly what happened. That she is on a "mission" like job said. I even know that it is a lot more common than most people think. It's just I never expected me or my kids to have to go through it all. It just makes so little sense that because my W was emotionally stunted at about the same age as my girls are, that she would potentially do the same to her own kids. Be blind to the hurt she is causing them. I think that is the problem with my always asking why.
I really don't think it's possible for someone who hasn't had to go through an MLC to truly understand it. Don't get me wrong, I can have compassion for the hurt they must be going through, I know that for me to do to my loved ones what MLCers do to their's, the pain would have to be incredible. It's just not something I can even imagine. I think that is the reason I keep looking for reasons why.
Job's right though, Matt. You may never know the "why" in all of this. You do know the what, who, when, etc. though.
In the end, the "why" is not really very important to you or your girls. Knowing how to deal with it is. Showing your daughters how to deal with it is.
Hope you had a Merry Christmas!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
