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The sadness is starting to morph into anger. I have no idea how some of you have done this for song, but I guess I'm at the "normal" stage in this process? When I look at my boys, I get so upset. Angry that their lives are going to change. Angry that one persons selfishness will affect these amazing and innocent kids, it breaks my heart.

Living in the same house is driving me mad. I'm not sure how to detach but know that I need to. Having a front row seat to her affair is awful.


As of December 2023
Me: 45 XW: 43
S13 S10
ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014
OM: 11/14/2014
D process: 12/14/2014
D final: 04/2015
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 141
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A few things that I'm finding extremely difficult...

1) the speed of all of this. D mediators and lawyers already involved after 34 or so days.

2) My wife has yet to shed a single tear in front of me

3) she has placed 100% of the blame on me along with our "incompatibility"

4) not a single one of our mutual friends or my in-laws have called me

5) her communication with OM is constant and in front of me

6) she is showing zero remorse

I told her on BD that despite not wanting this, that I will not stand in her way. What more should / could I be doing to get through this easier? Maybe nothing. Maybe it's just time that's needed..

So hard to pull away from someone you love so much. Ugh...


As of December 2023
Me: 45 XW: 43
S13 S10
ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014
OM: 11/14/2014
D process: 12/14/2014
D final: 04/2015
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 303
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MVG, so sorry to find you on this forum, but glad you're hear. Like so many before me have said, it is a great place to get advice and just keep your sanity. Not a vet, but just my 2cents.

Originally Posted By: mvg

1) the speed of all of this. D mediators and lawyers already involved after 34 or so days.
Unfortunately, there isn't anything you can do about this then what you are already doing. It's not advised that you stand in her way in this matter because most vets will tell you that it does the opposite of what you want. In my sitch, when my W was screaming bloody murder in the first 2 weeks, I actually caught her in a "calmer mood" and asked her if she would just do me a favor and hold off on D. She agreed and we are in a much better position now. Not telling you that you should do this, but it worked for me. You just have to realize that when everything happens in the beginning, W's are all about D and just getting out of the M. They are not thinking rationally in any way.

2) My wife has yet to shed a single tear in front of me
She won't. Not yet at least. Took my W 3 months to begin feeling remorse and to cry in front of me. Some people's W's take even longer, much longer, if at all. You just have to realize that just because she doesn't show you, doesn't mean she's not hurting as well. Remember that. She will NOT cry or show remorse right now. It is WAYYYYY too soon for that

3) she has placed 100% of the blame on me along with our "incompatibility"
Obviously you guys were compatible at some point, you know this, she knows this. You've been together for 12 years if I'm not mistaken? "Don't believe anything she says, and less than 50% of what she does......"

4) not a single one of our mutual friends or my in-laws have called me
Ok this is something I can definitely identify with you. But honestly, the only thing I can say is suck it up. My in-laws are of ZERO help. They are not even helping my W right now, and are not offering any kind of support, guidance, money, nothing. The only person that is helping my W, or at least being "there for her" is me. I don't know if this is the right call, but I have seen many success stories where LBH's showed unconditional love for their W's, and were just a friend, while continuing to GAL and focus on 180s. If you're in-laws are not helping or calling you (mine haven't either), then theres nothing you can do about it. I tried reaching out to them before, not good, and it doesnt do anything but make you look needy. You just have to live with this one.

5) her communication with OM is constant and in front of me
A vet may have better answers but the word boundaries comes to mind.

6) she is showing zero remorse
she won't. Not yet, not until you give it more time, and you focus on your 180s, and you GAL. My W didn't show remorse until now, 3 months into it, after I have already moved to a different state. It was that day that she broke down and started seriously questioning things. You're only 34? days into this. You haven't even had enough time to figure things out. You're W will take much longer



Keep your head up MVG...keep posting. Even if she goes through with the D, its not the end of the world, many people have gotten back together after D. But you have to give her/show her something shed want to come back to. What are your 180s? What did YOU do wrong in the M that made her leave? I know you mentioned that none of the things you can think of, in your opinion, were D worthy, but obviously small things add up for your W.

Just my thoughts.


ME: 28
W: 24
M: 2.5yrs
T: 5yrs
BD: 22 SEP 14
W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
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Setting boundaries just failed....terribly.

I was sitting upstairs and could hear wife taking crap on me to her best friend. No big deal, suck it up. However when she called the OM to talk more crap, I had to say something. I told her (while she was still on the phone, didn't even hang up) that if she wanted to have a relationship with him that she needed to leave. I told her to get out about 10 times and she wouldn't. Said she can and will do whatever she wants. So, I foolishly did the same. I said I'd just sit downstairs and work on my computer if that meant not having to hear their conversation about me.

Well...I stated recording our conversation bc I'm concerned about false DV (something she's threatened before) she called her parents who live five minutes away and they came right over bc W felt "unsafe" I'm 160 lbs soaking wet holding a brick...intimidating isn't a word you'd use to describe me...

I called my dad to ask some advice and always being the attorney, drove over as well. They all just left.

I'm humiliated. How did 12 years of happiness go this south in 30 days? This has to stop, I don't have the stamina for it. I'm trying LRT, GAL, everything I can think of. It just seems there is a need to punish ME for the OM. Is this common with WAW?

I told her on day 1, I won't stand in her way of a D...seems that's not enough.


As of December 2023
Me: 45 XW: 43
S13 S10
ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014
OM: 11/14/2014
D process: 12/14/2014
D final: 04/2015
Joined: Dec 2014
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Hi mvg,

Seems like our WAW need to punish us and flaunt the OM in our faces. This is on purpose, at least is my assessment.

Look, we know what 180 and GAL and LRT are telling us what to do. What is it they say? A marathon vs sprint?

Perhaps you could share with us what is on your GAL list. As a father of 2 young boys I can relate to everything that you have said.

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Hello I can share that the calmer and more at peace you can be

about the OM will help you immensely. If their is anyway you

can mustard up some realization that this is her decision right

now to be with someone else. As hard as this is respect the

fact that she is giving this guy your spot. Its something like

unconditional respect of her choice. Then distress however you

know best and set boundaries in a calm effective way. Something

like I respect your decision as of now to be in this OM face

but if you can please keep your business with him away from you

and don't forget to say that you will do the same. Respect goes

both ways.


Me:34/EXH:29
Kids: S13, D5, D4
M/o7
HaskedforDgavetohim6/14
decided to work on get remarried counseling.
Kids work went back to old routine.
Left Nov 10 2014
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mvg Offline OP
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Thank you for replying. I definitely understand that this is her decision which is why I am not going to stand in her way of the D. However, nobody should have to sit in their own house and hear their spouse trash then to OM/OW, it's abusive.

We went to a therapy session a few day after BD and she talked about setting boundaries. After all that has happened, I thought this boundary was the least I could get.

What is everyone's thoughts on exposure to OM wife / family? I have the email to her already written but am not sure what to do.

My W continues to deny that this is an A. She gets very angry when I refer to it as such and says beyond a kiss, nothing has happened. She also refuses to admit that she's D me to be with anothe man, although will admit they will begin dating "in the open" as soon as we are divorced.

So many thoughts iny head right now...


As of December 2023
Me: 45 XW: 43
S13 S10
ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014
OM: 11/14/2014
D process: 12/14/2014
D final: 04/2015
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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MVG,

Your wife is doing what she is doing because:

A) she has free will; and

B) thus far there have been zero consequences for her destructive behavior.

What boundaries have you laid and successfully enforced? In what ways have you shown to her that she may have screwed up/went too far, and might be losing you? What marital benefits (financial, emotional, etc) has she lost so far?

You said you worried about the recent anger you're feeling. Not only is it natural, but from my viewpoint it's the HEALTHIEST feeling I've read on your thread so far. Most of what you write smacks not of healthy love, but of CO-DEPENDENCY (and I say this as a classic co-dependent/pleaser/"Nice Guy" myself). After thoroughly reading Divorce Remedy (and I would suggest going immediately to the After-the-Last-Resort Technique) I would suggest the books "Co-Dependent No More," "Boundaries" by Townsend & Townsend, and "No More Mr. Nice Guy."

Right now you are sending a strong desperation vibe to your wife, a "I love you SO much, and I'm willing to do ANYTHING to keep you!" I can guarantee you that this is having the opposite effect of what you want, and it's actually PUSHING HER AWAY and turning her off.

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Starsky,

Thank you very much for replying.

I'm not sure if my post above was up at the time you wrote this but I've been unable to successfully set any boundaries so far. The only real boundary I asked for was to carry on her relationship not within ear shot of me, especially when it's mostly spew. As you can see, my boundary setting has failed.

I'm not so much worried about my anger as I am relieved. I would agree with you that I've been co-dependant and the fact that I'm not crying about this anymore is oddly comforting.

I've read both DB and DR and will go back and re-read those specific chapters this evening. I read NMMNG about two years ago and found it very helpful, although I guess not helpful enough to help me navigate the current situation.

I really appreciate you reading through my thread. The fact that you're seeing desperation isn't good bc in my head, I've already lost her and am accepting that. I've kept my mouth shut for a month, which I understand is a very short time. After being told that I'm her 'biggest mistake, that she knew this day was coming 12 years ago after our first date, that there have been 10 other guys in 12 years she wanted to be with but couldn't bc of me, etc etc....I have no interest at all in staying with a person who feels that way towards me.

In therapy, I was asked, "Why on earth do you want to be with someone who doesn't love you?" I spent the next month thinking about that every single day finally to admit to myself that I don't.

If my stbxw can't even respect the only boundary I've asked for, I guess I just have to tough it out until the D is final.

What are your thoughts on exposure of the A to OM wife? (who oddly enough just sent me a "hello" on linkedin bc she saw my new job update....

Last edited by mvg; 12/30/14 02:52 PM.

As of December 2023
Me: 45 XW: 43
S13 S10
ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014
OM: 11/14/2014
D process: 12/14/2014
D final: 04/2015
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 471
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Boundary setting is about you, not the other person. You put up with what you put up with. If you don't have actions to support your boundary, and put them to use, it's on you.

When she does it, walk away. Leave the room. Leave the house.


ME: 38
BF: 40
T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice)
BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R.
10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW
12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
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