Still Smiling

[BklynMom]

Kids and I had an awful hand off to exH tonight. They know they are going to be with him Christmas Eve and until mid-day christmas morning and they didn't want to go. They want to be at home.

It was really heartbreaking. I was in a really good place going into it but my girls just understand why they have to go with Daddy.

D4 screamed and hollowed it was over the top but the sadder thing was D6 hiding under her covers on her top bunk not even sobbing loudly just with tears rolling down her checks sating she didn't want to go.

I facillitated getting the kids off with him. I told D6 to just go tonight and we could talk about it tomorrow.

I dont understand how divorce with kids is at all accepted in our society except in cases of abuse. It is so cruel to these amazing wonderful kids.

My exH is a selfish fool. and a big jerk!

[Georgiabelle]

I'm sorry BK. I know how difficult it is to watch them meltdown. Sending you a hug!

Take care of yourself and enjoy them on Christmas Day.

[Matt165]

So very sorry Bklyn.
I agree completely. I have tried so hard to spend as much time with my girls as I can, make them feel as safe as possible but W doesn't even acknowledge that either of them are the least bit upset about the D. My D15 was lead to believe that she was going to spend Christmas day with both my W and I. She talked about it a lot the past few weeks. Well, now W has decided that isn't what she wants. She has decided that they are going to spend Christmas eve at her mothers with both the girls and me and that her mother and both girls are going to go stay at her place that night and the next day. She is going to meet me late Christmas night to give my D15 back to me when she takes D19 back to her place (I'm picking her up in the city where she lives after she's done work Christmas eve). Not a bad plan but what is bad is that she let D15 believe that I would be there for Christmas day. I think she did it because she was afraid that D15 would be upset and ask to spend Christmas day with me. By misleading her until now, D15 can't stop her or try and talk her out of her plan. Pretty rotten if you ask me.

My W said at the start of her "journey" that D doesn't hurt kids at all. No, it was all about how we acted during and after. Well, first that is a load of crap, of course D hurts kids! No matter how the parents may behave after it still destroys their sense of security. Not only that, she certainly hasn't behaved in a way that could be seen as "helpful" to making them feel better. In fact they both are getting more and more angry about how W has been so selfish, how she has become totally self absorbed. Now, W has pushed to finalize the D ASAP. As much as now is a bad time and if she would only wait a few WEEKS until I get my new job started, she refuses to wait even that short a time! So, from now on the holidays will always be remembered as the time their parents officially ended their M and changed their lives forever. Nice.

I so totally agree about how D shouldn't be so easy and accepted when kids are involved. In my state it is much too easy to end a M even when kids are involved. By making it so accepted and so easy it cheapens the whole concept of M and family. I guess it's to be expected when you look at politicians nowadays. It seems like they ALL have at least one D or affair. They always seem to be M, but it never is their FIRST H/W. They all talk a good game about "family values" but then pass laws that show how much they really care about family and show how little "values" they truly have. IMO if there isn't any kind of abuse and one of the parties isn't in favor of the D, it shouldn't be easy and quick when there are kids. There should be a cost paid by the supposed "adult" and what is best for the kids should be the sole guiding factor.The S that ends the M is breaking a contract. When you break a contract you should be expected to have to pay a penalty. I mean you can't sign up for a cell phone service and just "change your mind" and switch without paying a penalty...why should a M contract be any different?

There are so few times in peoples lives anymore where they are expected to keep a promise, to live up to what they vowed they would do. In order for a M to be ended and for someone to break their word and promise, they should have to pay a cost...especially when no real effort is made like in just about every case when it comes to MLCers. I amazes me how many people are hurt when someone decides to end a M in the way that most in MLC do. What is even worse is how they just don't seem to care that the price of their "happiness" is paid more by innocents than themselves.

Try not to let this ruin your and the kids Christmas. Make sure they and you enjoy the time you do have together! Merry Christmas Bkyln!

[Lifes Twists]

Unfortunately society does not recognize the impact divorce has on the children no matter what age they are. My wife actually said this week that the girls were in turmoil right now and she has to think about it. Like many others she bought into the fact the kids would get over it. Its a shame that so many people in our society have bought into the progressive movement. They have thrown out so much of what made our society more stable and safe for our kids to grow up in.

[BklynMom]

Thank you guys so much. Knowing I am not alone out here and not crazy.

I am as liberal politically as they come. I just don't get why divorce has been embraced by everyone in society.

[job]

I'm very sorry that your daughters are in so much pain. At least w/the meltdowns, they were able to express themselves for how they feel. Divorce is never easy for adults, but it is far worse for the children.

I do hope that things will be better today and tomorrow for them.

[Lorelai]

BklynMom,

I'm right there with you! I'm liberal as well but I also don't understand the whole "if you're not happy, just quit!" attitude toward marriage. I'm a pretty big Louis CK Fan but I can't watch his routines where he talks about how great divorce is and the cliche about kids having two happy homes instead of one unhappy home. What people don't get is that ONE home could be happy if both people would just try and work on their marriages. It's like people are surprised that marriages are work!

This afternoon my WAH is coming to get the kids to take them for what will be my first Christmas Eve without them. He's taking them to his mom's annual Christmas Eve dinner, a huge event in his family and one I haven't missed in almost 10 years. Normally I receive emails about who drew what name in the grab bag gifts, questions about what my kids need/want for Christmas and a few ideas for H's nieces and nephews, but this year? Crickets. I'm assuming that means everyone knows I'm not coming and they're all fine with it. He's taking the kids tonight everyone will have fun with them and get to watch them open their presents and no one will talk about or even raise an eyebrow at the big pink elephant in the room-- and H won't have to feel awkward about showing up without his wife... Because divorce is so common, kids are resilient, you deserve to be happy, blah, blah, blah... Ugh!

My salon is open until 6 tonight so I've already scheduled a mani/pedi for after H gets the kids and then I'm treating myself to dinner out. I know, I know, I'm supposed to embrace these "breaks" away from the kids, right? Sorry, I didn't sign up for marriage/parenthood to take breaks.

Didn't mean to post so long on your thread. You just struck a chord with me. I'm so sorry for what your little ones are going through. Hope you still have a good holiday today and tomorrow. You are definitely not alone out here!

[BklynMom]

Lorelei I know it feels like everyone is okay with it but the reality is his family probably doesn't know what to say.

Good for you for treating yourself to mani and pedi.

I will check out your thread.

Thanks job now that I have a little distance from last nights drama I can see how lucky my girls are. I can appreciate what a nurturing and loving home I am able to give them because I have strong financials and have found a strong emotional well being through recovery here and in alanon.

My kids are so blessed.

Plus we are going to Disney January 2nd

[Lorelai]

Thank you Bklyn Mom. I love this board because everyone is so supportive and always points out why it's important not to make assumptions and mind-read. I know my in-laws probably don't know what to say. It just seems like my H's family has a habit of sweeping things under the rug. As I mentioned in my thread though recently, I have tried to put myself in their shoes, particularly my MIL's and asked how I would react if my kids grew up and were WASs at any point. As a mother, I would have to give them my love and support, even if I didn't approve.

I'm just a little more emotional today. The goofy Elf on the Shelf movie actually made me cry earlier, so yeah, I need to just go easy on myself and focus on making this an awesome Christmas for the kiddos.

Good for your for going to Disney! That is so awesome. My kids and I are planning a trip to DL over spring break. We have good friends in SD and it's only a couple of hours away. I always wanted to go with H, but I decided I'm just going to go do the things that the kids and I want to do and give them great experiences and memories, regardless of what he's doing... Tough to get to that place on some days though.

[BklynMom]

Having a wonderful Christmas with the girls today. They came home at 1p. So I had all morning and last night to set the place up just right. My parents and my sister and her husband spend the afternoon with us. It was wonderful.

Exh gave me a Christmas card when he dropped off the girls. Actually he didn't hand it to me just told me it was in the girls bag. And technically the card was from the girls not him. But he did include a few photos of the girls in front of his Christmas tree.

This card is the only nice gesture he has made to me in close to 4 years. I am a little taken aback.
Maybe he will start treating me like a human now and not a monster.