Riding the rollercoaster

[u-turn]

I need to start looking for someone new . There are many lonely women out there that would like to come into a sitch like mine and step in as a mother and wife as long as it is indeed over between us.

Dawgy, just wondering why is this your focus. I get the fact that you are lonely in your own house. I feel that too. But I cannot see how entering another relationship with just this in mind is a recipe for success. Take these thoughts slow, figure out who you are first, get your sh!t together first, take care of your kids first - on your own. They don't need additional pain either.

I think it's great to think that someday there will be someone out there that will fit all of these qualities, but you know it has to be and you have to be better next time.

just my thoughts.

I am with you - I feel this pain too.

[PeterV2]

I agree with U-turn. First become the best man you can be. Don't go looking for another relationship. First of all it won't be fair to your new partner, having to live in the wake of the disintegrating marriage. Believe me, I've been there, done that and it doesn't bode well for the new relationship.

If you need to, tell your W to move out, so you can get on with your life. Even help her find an apartment or something. You shouldn't be to one to leave. You need to take care of the kids. If she chooses to leave the marriage then she'll have to deal with the consequences of her actions.

[dawgy]

Ok thx guys . I guess somedays I just get overwhelmed . I feel very needy without a woman beside me at night . My sleep is all but gone . a few hrs of up and down at night . 4 hrs tops on a good night . So I ve resorted to medication again but it makes me feel stupid the next day for a few hrs . Shes been very nice here and there . Last night for about an hr she was my wife then 10 mins later shes the witch again. I wish there was a pill that I could give her to make her stay her old self again . I know she must be ridden with guilt but i think she fights it all the way trying to blame me for her behavior . Dawgy

[Little]

Exercise before bed. It will wear you out and help you sleep.

[rd500]

Hi Dawgy, with you on the sleep, take the meds early and slow down with your thoughts. Of course there is someone out there for you but that won't help long term. Try some relaxtion tapes or the like. Take care RD

[u-turn]

I am deciding how to handle asking her to leave after the holidays too. I don't feel good about it. I have thought of myself as a somewhat chivalrous person and this is not chivalry. But what can I do? I've also martyred myself through my marriage, not cared about myself, taken the hits so she would be happy.

I don't want to leave but part of me says I can get through it better if I just go. I am torn and all over the place.

I found the pattern too. My wife is extra nice to me when she plans something w/ OM, or feels guilty about being with him. (mind reading, but it's been noticeable). and gets angry when I don't respond to it.

Take care of yourself

[dawgy]

Hey Turn buddy , Ive been saying for months now our sitches are very similar . But i strongly advise you not to leave .She must be the one to leave .Remember the kids are the most important thing in your life , not her anymore . If she wants to be she will have to work hard to get there . If she doesnt want to do the work you cant do it alone . I struggled with the thought of her leaving would give her alot of time with OM , but you know what ? she will make time for that anyway even if she stays in your home .
Im not affraid of her leaving anymore . I actually look at it as a new beginning . Yes I will miss the old life alot but if she passed away it would be the same things to deal with . So we gotta suck it up and realize nothing lasts forever . Hell she will in all likely hood want to come back at some point , most do from what I hear but by then you will likely have moved on unfortunatly .
Ive been bouncing between letting her leave at her convenience and asking her to leave . not sure what to do . The Holidays are rough on you arent they ? I know , its killing me too . Anyway buds remember no rash decisions . I know I talk the talk sometimes but alot of it is just venting .. Merry xmas to all my friends here .. thx guys/gals Dawgy

[PeterV2]

Dawgy, you're starting to detach in a good way. Keep it up. Yes, she will do what she wants regardless. You only have control of your own thoughts, actions and emotions. Keep it up! You're getting better at this.

[Hurt06]

Dawgy, just found your thread. Your sitch is almost identical to mine....so much so it's scary. I too have suggested that she move out but she says she will never leave the kids so we are stuck. We are in same bed but back to back and house is cold as ice. Just trying keep thing nice for the kids. Now that holidays are over not sure what's next. My job requires me to be gone out of town for 4-5 nights a week and I have taken time off to work on my family and obviously need a job change to be there for the kids no matter what happens. I too am trying to detach and get on with my life while being available in case she wants to reconcile but she is living in an alternate reality. She is Affectionate with the children in every way.... Almost weird. One of her primary love languages is affection and she is filling that need with the kids....it's a little scary how much she rubs on them and at times makes me a little uncomfortable. The best she can do for me is an ice cold, fake hug every few days.... Very weird.
Anyways, thanks for posting and nice to here others are Ina very similar sitch and what works and what doesn't.

[dawgy]

Hey Hurt . Good to here from you . As yu can see by the title of my thread , it is a rollercoaster ride . Ive been in this predicament for over one year and i must say Ive gone through some profound changes . None of which i wanted but developed because of the sitch . My wife is a bit inward and never was a good communicator , it has turned out to be a major factor in our relationship demise .
I have reached a point that denial has made way for acceptance .My W is a mess and I am the glue holding it all together . I only ask but a few things from her while shes still under our roof . She wants to keep the secret so it seems but my new boundaries are simple . Treat me with respect in front of our children and if she wants to continue to stay together for the kids then act like it . No more cold shoulders or snide comments etc.
W too says affair is over but im skeptical