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Mozza Offline OP
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Thanks a lot, Wonka. It helps to chip away my mental resistance to blocking her on social media. I agree that seeing her there affects my PMA.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Your response to W's query about her video was a doozy. C'mon...where's the take charge Mozza??

That's a surprise, I thought it was good and it's what everyone told me. You think I should have set a boundary, like "No, I decided not to look at it. You left me when you got this job and go out with a colleague. I don't need to see you all happy at work and even less to see your BF."?


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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Mozza,

You don't want to encourage those types of behaviors in W. You're not in high school anymore where kids play boyfriends and girlfriends like musical chairs.

Just say,"I have no interest in viewing stupid videos that belong in a high school." That's just me.

A more apt response would be "Really?"


Last edited by Wonka; 12/22/14 08:49 PM.
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Mozza Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Wonka
You don't want to encourage those types of behaviors in W. You're not in high school anymore where kids play boyfriends and girlfriends like musical chairs.

Just say,"I have no interest in viewing stupid videos that belong in a high school." That's just me.

A more apt response would be "Really?"

I know she's the one who left and shackled with an OM, but I feel an enormous amount of guilt for how I made her feel in the M, which makes it very difficult for me to be self-righteous or even mildly mean. I feel like she left because she was hurt by me, she needed to heal and that I need to make up for it, not make her feel bad about her choices, about what she says to me, etc.

Let me give you more details in the next post. It may affect my whole approach to my sitch.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
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D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza #2519732 12/22/14 09:21 PM
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I found an email that my W sent me in early August, one month before BD and one week before her new job and meeting OM. That day, I was out at an amusement park with D6 for the day (D6 had won 2 tickets), W was home with D3 and I was giving W the silent treatment for not trying to solve our fights in the past months. She was distressed by this. Here are a few excerpts.

"I can't remember the last time I was this unhappy about our relationship. I'm reaching out to friends for support. I wonder if we are really, at bottom, mismatched together. We both know how different we are, but such clashes are so terrible and destructive and the lack of communication makes it all so much worse."

"I can't believe how much I can hate you, how much I can hurt you, how much I disappoint you or resent you. I feel such negativity emanating from us, like we are some toxic thing. I wish there was a way to take a break from each other without hurting each other. When I was on holiday I felt fine and happy. How can I be back and so miserable?"


"I don't care: I want to dull the pain. I can't leave, so I can only escape in my head: medication, reading, music, movies. Im sure this is costing you too, somehow. (...) When I think of you, I get nervous."

"Perhaps this is all stemming from my need to be understood. Which I feel you're not. Or if you do understand me, then you do not love what you see, you don't accept it."

"I've stopped expecting you to respond in any kind of way. Or just to expect your response will be satisfactory. That I'll ever get a response free from criticism, ever. It makes me even sadder."


She also mentions taking her meds and alcohol to numb the pain. W was not drinking at the time, especially not alone (ever).


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza #2519737 12/22/14 09:34 PM
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Mozza,

Thanks for posting this email from W.

From what I read, it sounds like she's in a fair amount of pain. Also see a lot of justifications which is incredibly unfair and immature.

We have had several exchange in your previous threads about your harsh and constant criticisms which has eroded the love bonds with your daughters and W. There is a fine line between being supportive and enabling destructive behaviors. You need to use discernment when responding to W's communications.

Right now, your W is in a very selfish and self-absorbed phase that is not appropriate or acceptable. For me, I really don't care to view those videos. Your W's query reminds me of a giggling teenager asking her friends "how far out" that behavior was...and posting it on YouTube just for laughs.

Your W is vying for the Miss Popular crown. Such low self-worth that she needs to seek external validation to boost her sense of worth. Don't you see this at all, Mozza?

However, pay CAREFUL ATTENTION to the last sentence that she will "ever get a response free of criticism".....that is huge for W.

Mozza #2519747 12/22/14 10:01 PM
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I feel awful, shameful about this email.

My W was terribly unhappy with me and I was mostly oblivious to it. How can a H make his W so miserable? How can it be me? How can one become such a monster and not realize it? Or am I overracting and was my W being dramatic in that email, or oversensitive?

The sentence about the "break" is a warning that she's soon willing to breakup with me, something I had not registered at the time. I thought of a break like going on a trip alone, visiting her parents, etc. I realize now its true meaning. Five days later, she started her new job and met OM. I know my W made the bad decision to leave the M for him, but I had left the door wide open for OM to walk in. I wasn't taking care of my W like a good H should.

I feel I deserve to be punished. I was mean to my W and would not hear her calls for help. Leaving me is what she needs to heal and what I need to open my eyes on the impact of my behavior in the M. The H I was does not deserve to be married. She had a young, handsome and attentive colleague who was willing to fulfill her emotional needs. Right this moment, I just can't bring myself to be upset that she went for it. It was a glass of ice water in the desert. The dopamine kicked in and I was history.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza #2519750 12/22/14 10:08 PM
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Mozza,

You've got to stop beating yourself up and taking the blame for W's poor choices. They're all on her, not you. Granted, you didn't do a good job of being a supportive H.

Focus on what you CAN control. That is a lot of power...take it back.

Keep working on those 180s.

Wonka #2520039 12/23/14 06:01 PM
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Originally Posted By: Wonka
Your W is vying for the Miss Popular crown. Such low self-worth that she needs to seek external validation to boost her sense of worth. Don't you see this at all, Mozza?

More or less. It helps to read it here. I feel I understand where she comes from, that I'm the person who got her self-esteem in the gutter and now she takes it from a group of young people who hand out esteem points based on partying behavior. It's not sustainable, but how can I blame her considering where I got her? That's what was offered to her at a time of need.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
However, pay CAREFUL ATTENTION to the last sentence that she will "ever get a response free of criticism".....that is huge for W.

Yes, and I've finally heard this on BD. As MWD writes in DR, separation can truly change a man. I have not criticized my W once since she left. When she got upset at me, a couple of times in the first month, I responded with kindness and it worked. During the S talks, I pointed at my changed behavior (it was pre-DB!) and she said she didn't believe it was sustainable. I understood then that I could only speak with my actions and let her see them.

This is why I have an inclination to be kind and engaging in my communications with her, despite the OM. On Friday, before she flew to her home country, we had a text exchange and I engaged her. We ended up exchanging book recommendations for instance. After dinner, she called to talk to the kids (a first) and then she and I spoke for 30 minutes, chit chatting, laughing and settling a few things about the kids. I was feeling too much guilt to cut the conversation short. I wanted to show her that I'm a better listener and interested in her.

Now I'm just confused as to what I should be doing, the general attitude I should adopt. I got called a "wet noodle" when I kissed her on the cheeks when she leaned towards me. Am I really supposed to be distant until she leaves OM or isn't that just confirming her idea that I'll never change?


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Wonka #2520094 12/23/14 08:53 PM
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Originally Posted By: Wonka
Keep working on those 180s.

I'm afraid my 180s are hardly visible outside of an R, which explains why all my friends think I'm great and that my WAW messed up when she left me -- I look great from the outside, so my W moved out there to enjoy the view.

- She felt I was criticizing her too much. I stopped entirely and understand why.
- She was missing physical contact with me. I can't do this now.
- She felt I wasn't paying attention to her. I'm told here I should limit my email/text engagement with her.
- I wasn't speaking her love language (Words of Affirmation) which doesn't seem an option now. I do encourage her about work when she talks about it.

For the rest, it was fine: no problems with my appearance, social skills, job and income, sense of humor, parenting skills, family and friends, house duties, cooking, etc. She sees me as some mean/cold/distant overachiever, I guess. I vaguely recall her using the word "robot". I'm afraid the DB way of looking happy and moving on just makes things worse, sends the signal that I was never the loving H she deserves.

-----

I'm also curious about the opinion of more women on this board - Maybell, LisaB, Little, Vanilla, T0324, Calibri, etc. - on the email above. How would you feel about reconciling with a H who made you feel that way? What could he do to prove you that he gets it now?


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza #2520101 12/23/14 09:19 PM
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Mozza, I feel for you and would also love to get more perspective from women on your earlier post/email from W. Thanks for sharing with all of us. I see a lot of similarities in your sitch with my own.


Me: 39 W: 46
D: 7.5 S: 5
SD: 16 SS: 12
T: 2 (06/2012)
M: 2 (12/2012)
Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
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