KGirl - one year later con't

[Mozza]

I'm glad you came to give us an update, KGirl. I'm always concerned that the people I follow closely will just vanish. And yes, it felt like more than a week to me too.

Oh my, it's really not a good time for you to get all of these things on your schedule. Plus, it's all emotional stuff and you're probably at a time where you feel distracted or even weakened by what you're going through.

I really like Maybell's advice. I have two more.

1) Stop wondering what's the best thing to do now. Be happy you're doing anything. I don't know why, but reading this once made me very productive.

2) Use productive/structured procrastination. This is when you're doing work to avoid a more difficult task. Works wonders for me.

[KGirl]

This is the first weekend in awhile that I don't have a bunch of plans or arrangements, so I should be able to put some thought into all of these things and get organized and figure out where to get started. I don't doubt my ability to get everything done when it needs to be done (I was the college student that would get my paper done by 10pm the night before it was due and feel like that was "late" whereas everyone else was pulling all-nighters, so I' not a procrastinator by nature) - I think just knowing all those things are "out there" carries a huge weight. I think I am going to set aside the divorce stuff because there is really not much more I can do with that until H is ready to work with me on it. I sent him a list of things that need to happen, so I'll remove that from my plate until he responds and figure out what needs to go back on it.

Today I'll start with little things: get to the gym, go grocery shopping, order my bridesmaid dress for the June wedding. Clean my toilet and then make some lists so at least everything is down on paper and less likely to be floating around in my head.

I've seen a few posts lately about dating. I really don't know how dating works so I'm scared as heck. For example, if I'm interested in someone, can't I just say "hey, I think you're cool, do you want to hang out sometime?" Or is that too forward? I just don't know. The guy I met with mutual friends right before Christmas is still intriguing to me but I haven't seen him since then, and my friends say it would be "creepy" to facebook him or message him since we only met the one time in a group with 10 other people. But then again, maybe I shouldn't be thinking about this at ALL until the divorce is final. But at this point, I've been "separated" for over a year, so does the final hearing really make any difference, except for how potential dates might perceive me? I dunno. Like some of the ladies here have mentioned, I'm not really looking for a relationship yet but just want to see what's out there and be reassured that decent guys DO exist and COULD actually be interested in me!

[SunnyB]

KGirl, I understand all your conflicting dating thoughts. I'd like to, I don't know where to even meet a guy much less go about dating, I am in fact still M, I don't need a serious relationship, is there anyone that is even remotely interested in me?

You on the other hand are 29 years old. You have been S a year, and D papers have been filed. I say jump in there girl. Not to look for a new R, just to have a good time. It's like taking a college tour (says the mom of teenagers) -- you have to check out a lot of options before you narrow it down and decide.

[KGirl]

Thanks for your vote of confidence, rppfl I work at a college and regularly meet with families who are trying to decide where to go (well, really the student is supposed to decide but it's become more and more a family endeavor nowadays..) so I totally get that analogy. I feel like I kind of "picked" H like I picked my college - "well - it's close by and I know I'll be admitted, and it's familiar, so why not?" Maybe if I had spent more time dating and see what was out there in high school/college I wouldn't have felt he was my only option. Speaking of working at a college, there are very few men to choose from, at least in my profession or that are my age. There are lots of male faculty (I work in a science department) but they are all much older or married. But in my particular role, the people in other departments are almost all female.. I can't honestly think of any single adult males that are within 5 years either way of my age! I'm not sure where to meet them either, besides online, and I feel like creating a profile that says "currently separated" is not going to attract the right type of people. This friend of a friend that I met in December is the only prospect on my radar so far.

[Maybell]

Oh, why bother if it's creepy about friending that guy? He's on your mind, he'd probably be flattered. And if he does think it's creepy, what have you lost?? Nothing you actually had. Go for it! Besides... Maybe he's thinking the same thing?

I say, you've spent a lot of your life "settling" for the accessible. Try reaching for something and see what happens.

[zew]

KG, I agree with Maybell.

If there is anything that we all should have learned through all of this, it's how to handle rejection without letting it destroy us. In fact, it should roll right off us by now like water off a duck's back.

You have learned a lot about yourself this past year. You know what you want and what you don't. Go for it. Don't settle. Don't be afraid to ask a guy any question, especially if it relates to one of your core values. (I don't mean go all third degree or to come off as overbearing.)

I have found that a lot of people are very comfortable with open honesty.

Maybe it's just me and my "baggage", but if someone is scared off by something, or too intimidated to express themselves, I already see a red flag.

[Karma12]

I agree with the above Kgirl. Go have fun! You are only young once. Explore , go out, enjoy your life.

It sounds like your H. Has committment issues. That means he can't committ to yes but he also cant committ to no. Be careful. There is a thing called the final curtain call. Meaning once the divorce is about to go through and there is no pressure ( pressure he created within himself not your fault) he may start to question things and try to get back in again. This would of course only last until you let him back in and the. He would feel pressured again and the cycle would repeat for as long as you allowed it. Keep your guard up.

[KGirl]

Well, I bit the bullet and sent the friend request this morning. Then promptly remembered why I HADN'T done it earlier (the whole two last names thing.. I did change it so it wasn't two separate names - example: it no longer displays as K Smith (K Johnson), but rather K Johnson Smith so it's a little less obvious, but it's still awkward). But lo and behold he accepted my request this afternoon! I must not be too creepy and he must remember me!

On the downside, H started texting me about the paperwork. I find some of his responses questionable. For example, on the financial disclosure he says his L told him it was fine to write that the value of all the household items was "unknown" and then write "divided equally based on agreement of the parties", rather than writing out values for clothes, electronics, etc. like the form suggests. I'm not sure about this but the L would know more than I do about what's acceptable, right? Unless he was just told to write this on what he provides the L, and something else would be submitted to the court.. but you'd think the L would want to know the value to know what to put on the actual submission? *sigh*. I tried to ask him questions about the court-provided form and he didn't know what I was talking about, he hadn't even looked at it, only the one his L told him to fill out instead. While I could hire a lawyer to help me with this I don't think it's worth it to pay hundreds of dollars an hour for someone to tell me how to fill out a few rows on a form, for property that's already divided and inconsequential anyway. As my friend said, "I'm sure they've seen people fill this stuff out way worse than how you'll fill it out."

He also said his lawyer said he could take up to 5 years to pay me for my part of the house. I said I'm not fond of that idea, maybe we can do 1-2 years or he can take out a loan, but I do not want to drag this out for that long. He said he understood and also did not want this to drag out that long, and he'd see what he could do to pay me the money as quickly as possible. Then he had to go to snow blow before the Super Bowl (so why start a difficult conversation via text if you have to leave in 20 min? I don't know. Whatevs).

[KGirl]

Well, I bit the bullet and sent the friend request this morning. Then promptly remembered why I HADN'T done it earlier (the whole two last names thing.. I did change it so it wasn't two separate names - example: it no longer displays as K Smith (K Johnson), but rather K Johnson Smith so it's a little less obvious, but it's still awkward). But lo and behold he accepted my request this afternoon! I must not be too creepy and he must remember me!

On the downside, H started texting me about the paperwork. I find some of his responses questionable. For example, on the financial disclosure he says his L told him it was fine to write that the value of all the household items was "unknown" and then write "divided equally based on agreement of the parties", rather than writing out values for clothes, electronics, etc. like the form suggests. I'm not sure about this but the L would know more than I do about what's acceptable, right? Unless he was just told to write this on what he provides the L, and something else would be submitted to the court.. but you'd think the L would want to know the value to know what to put on the actual submission? *sigh*. I tried to ask him questions about the court-provided form and he didn't know what I was talking about, he hadn't even looked at it, only the one his L told him to fill out instead. While I could hire a lawyer to help me with this I don't think it's worth it to pay hundreds of dollars an hour for someone to tell me how to fill out a few rows on a form, for property that's already divided and inconsequential anyway. As my friend said, "I'm sure they've seen people fill this stuff out way worse than how you'll fill it out."

He also said his lawyer said he could take up to 5 years to pay me for my part of the house. I said I'm not fond of that idea, maybe we can do 1-2 years or he can take out a loan, but I do not want to drag this out for that long. He said he understood and also did not want this to drag out that long, and he'd see what he could do to pay me the money as quickly as possible. Then he had to go to snow blow before the Super Bowl (so why start a difficult conversation via text if you have to leave in 20 min? I don't know. Whatevs).

[KGirl]

Well, if I needed proof that my H was a f***ing idiot, I think I got it via today's hour+ phone conversation re: finances and D logistics. Among the gems were:

H (while waiting for a website to load): So do you watch the bachelor?
Me: No, I don't need any more drama and stress in my life.
H: Well, I don't have any drama.

H: So I should check the box that you want to change your last name back?
Me: Yes.
H: Are you sure? 'Cause [lastname] is a pretty cool name.

H: Well, when you go get the phone plans changed I hope you don't do anything like shut off my phone.
Me *jokingly*: that's an idea...
H: 'Cause that would be pretty rude.
Me *thinking of how rude HE has been the past year*: I don't know what to say to that, so I think it's time for me to go.

WTF?

I mean, how can it be that supposedly he took our marriage "seriously" and meant his vows and cares about me, and yet can be so glib and cavalier about his impending D? I can't help but feel like none of it was ever serious or real to him.