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Joined: Dec 2013
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KGirl Offline OP
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Not much to say right now! Not a peep from H despite him saying he would have more information for me on what's next this week. I know from looking it up myself that there is some paperwork I would need to have done within 90 days. I'm not going to be in a big hurry to do it - maybe later in January or February sometime. He doesn't seem to be in a big hurry, apparently. I haven't been on here a ton this week because every time I come here that means I'll be thinking about H... I just really don't want to think about him anymore. I don't want him to occupy my brain or thoughts or feelings. I have moments (maybe moreso now than earlier or back in the summer) where I'll think about something like a trip we took, or a certain memory, and think "How can he throw that all away?? And for what?" and start crying, hard. It's still confusing to me how he says he missed out on so many things by being with me.. but then says all he does is go to work and the grocery store. It seems as though he has a lot of things to figure out, but there's really no place for me while he does that. On the other hand, we've been married for 3.5 years and separated for 1 year... that's kind of a big proportion of time to not even really be married.. so what am I clinging to?

I've also just been pretty busy this week, which has been helpful! A dear friend of mine who I went to college with here in WI just moved back to WI from NY.. and in fact lives a few blocks from where I work, so it's super exciting! I've spent the past two days hanging out with her and her fiancé. I am so appreciative that I am invited to things with them even if it's couples and me.. tonight, for example, we went to fish fry with them and another couple (I'm sorry for those of you that have not had a WI fish fry at a supper club!) and they did a great job of including me and not making me feel like a fifth wheel. I am so grateful that now is the time she was able to make it back to WI. Remember how I mentioned cute police officer before? They mentioned inviting both of us over to watch the Packer game on Sunday.. smile I don't know that I'm really interested in or ready to actively date but hanging out with someone in the company of friends and getting to know them in that way (as opposed to actual dates, or searching for people online) feels OK right now.

Last edited by KGirl; 01/10/15 02:09 AM.

Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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Just go and have a good time. No expectations, right?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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What Labug said. smile

Also, I'm surprised you gloss over missing your husband because the marriage was so short... You time investment was long.

I like the idea of you opening your mind to the universe being larger than your H. Go enjoy that football game!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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KGirl Offline OP
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Good catch, Maybell wink I kind of intentionally left out that whole "being together 11+ years" part. When I think about it that way, it's hard to move on (darn "sunk cost fallacy" - you want to keep putting more time in because of all the time you put in so far, even if you looked at it objectively from this point forward it wouldn't make sense to keep putting the time/effort in!) And really, a lot of that time was spent "on again/off again" and wasn't good. Senior year of high school was good. Then most of college/grad school (2004-2009ish) was not. I was looking back through old emails and found one he sent me in 2008 when we had lived together, but he broke up with me and I was considering moving out... in it he said "I guess you already know that my mind changes what it thinks like every few minutes because there is just so much going on inside it. I'm not sure if I should see a professional or not, but I feel like there is something either missing between us which I try not to consciously realize or want to admit, or I am maybe just scared of commitment, or scared of losing you or being comfortable, or whatever the issue is." Sound familiar?? Doesn't sound like he ever really figured it out but just stuffed it or tried to set it aside. Looking back through our communication it seems like we were together and then not on a monthly or weekly basis for quite a while... I don't know if he was ever really "committed" until we got engaged/married, and that hasn't been long. Things were good in fall 2009, we got engaged in spring 2010 and married in summer 2011, and I thought all that stuff was behind us.. so I thought. But again, looking back... I can't really recall a definitive moment or time where he said "Yes, I am fully back in, etc." Momentum just seemed to carry things forward, to a point where we were living together and he said we'd get married and we weren't and I pushed until he did.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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Posts: 3,500
I think for you and me both the forward motion will be pretty much the same: live our own lives as though we find ourselves interesting. Explore "bucket list" possibilities: widening our social & professional circles, expanding the range of our experiences. Say yes to things we used to say no to. Put the desire for a romantic relationship lower on our priority list so we can spend some time getting to know our "new" selves.

There is one gift I'd really like to give myself, and that is the patience to really savor getting to know future romantic interests, draw the experience out, enjoy flirting and being pursued without knowing where the relationship might go. I want that experience for myself the same way I wanted the experience of natural childbirth and graduate school. If I ever marry again it will be for very different reasons than when I married H. I loved (love) him, but we didn't do a good job of choosing the way we'd build a life together. If I marry again, it will be because my new partner and I want to build an intentional life together.

Are you interested in giving yourself a gift like that?


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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I'm going to push you a bit in the direction of your fear.

He went through the motions but did he ever fully commit?

Be gentle with yourself.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
K
KGirl Offline OP
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Yes, Maybell, that sounds like a good gift! smile Being in a "relationship" in high school is so different, and I think that starting point combined with the inertia ended up being not a good recipe for success. One date and then "Will you go out with me?" means you're now BF/GF in high school.

Labug - well, looking back at it now, no, I don't think he ever did fully commit. I thought he did at various points in time and thought for sure he did when he proposed and we got married. But as you said, I think it was just going through the motions of what he thought he should do next, and in his words, "avoiding the fear of being alone."


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
K
KGirl Offline OP
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Posts: 667
I have a lot of things going on all of the sudden - almost too many! Possible wine+movie night tonight with a friend, packer game watch tomorrow, Paint Nite next weekend (one of those paint a standard picture and drink with friends things), martini party at my sister's next weekend.. AND flight to Sanibel Island for spring break booked with my sisters and mom! I haven't done a family vacation in a looong time.. but as long as I go into it knowing what is realistic and what isn't (for example, I shouldn't attempt to have any serious conversations about any R or M type stuff with them) it will be OK. I can't make a cat bark and if I expect it to I'll just disappoint myself. For example, I was talking to my mom today on the phone and I mentioned that there's this friend of a friend that's cute.. and she said "oh, so soon?" Really, mom? It's been over a year now. *sigh*. My good friend moving back here is a lifesaver in many ways.. she helps push me to be social and do things (plus now I can take her to all the places in town that I like to go). So, definitely staying busy.. now I need to balance that with some alone/personal time (inc. going to the gym!)

I got a flyer in the mail that the annual national conference for my profession is in Las Vegas this year (Ceasar's Palace)... wondering how I can convince my department that this is a very important professional dev. opportunity and worth paying for? wink


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,004
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Posts: 1,004
Hi K,

I am so proud of you. You are so mature for such young person. I feel you have so much ahead of yourself.

Life is strange, sometimes we learn through pain, sometimes that same pain show us a different path that bring us even more of what we really like and makes us happier.

You are doing great. It's very understanding and very normal to feel some sadness as you move forward, on. It wouldn't be normal if you just don't feel anything.

I am somewhat following your footsteps, and Maybell, in finding "the bucket list" and make the most of my life right now, finding that other self that needs to enjoy life.

Thanks for being my inspiration, you are an awesome person, I pray that life you treat you well and as you go new horizons will make you happier.

A big hug to you K,
Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



Joined: Dec 2013
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KGirl Offline OP
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Thanks for checking in periodically, Pink! I appreciate your compliments smile I do think it's time to explore things I didn't think I was able to do before and make the most of them. Even little things... like earlier this week I had something at work I just wanted to stay late and finish, but in the past I was pretty strict about leaving at a set time, mostly so I could start dinner before H got home. I realized "wait, I can do whatever I want! If I want to stay an extra half hour so I have some peace of mind, so be it!" The fact that we shared a car prevented me from doing a lot of things. I had wanted to volunteer at the humane society at one point but the shifts started at 5pm, and H didn't get done with work until 5:30 or later (he never felt the need to be home at a certain time...), and I had to drive there, so I couldn't do it. Now I can actually do ANYTHING I want to, at any time. It's very freeing.

At this point I don't really feel angry anymore. I think "disappointed" is the right word for how I feel. I'm disappointed in the choices H made and how he handled this. I'm not going to say it was "wrong" because that's all relative and it may have been the best thing for him to do. At least he did not sneak away in the middle of the night with his bags. He's been apologetic. Honestly, if he came to me right now and said "I screwed up, I want you back" I think I would just stare at him befuddled. I don't even know what I would do with that. I do want a partner/spouse but it seems H was not cut out for that. Perhaps he never was and I just didn't want to see it because it was easier to just keep dating him instead of dealing with being single or trying to date other people.

No more contact with cute police officer guy! *sigh*. My friends say they will try and plan a get-together soon. I've added a brewery tour to my long list of activities this weekend... and a bridal fair. I may have mentioned I have several weddings coming up - my sister is getting married in August, and my close friend who just moved here is getting married in June, and I am a bridesmaid in both. I am to the point where going to bridal fairs and wedding dress shopping does not make me sad. I can think about things from my wedding somewhat fondly or at least talk about them when relevant as I'm helping them plan the wedding, so I think that's a good sign.

On the actual D front, H has still not sent me any information about what to do next. I am certainly capable of looking it up myself and have, and will probably consult with a friend who has recently done this on her own about how to fill out some of it. For example, the next form asks you to list everything you currently own yourself or jointly own, and who will take possession of it after D. How detailed do you get?? It makes sense to list out big things like furniture, but what about.. pots and pans? kitchen gadgets? towels? I don't know, that would be an awful long list and a little ridiculous. We will also have to do taxes for 2014 and I am not looking forward to that. I would be willing to take a hit to file married but separately, but maybe I should just suck it up and work with him on it. It will be hard to split up who should get what % of the refund, though, since it's really not 50/50.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
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