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Yes, there is collaborative divorce (in terms of agreeing not to go to court and using mediators to come to an agreement). I don't think we'll even need to take it that far. He is going to hire a lawyer on an hourly basis to draw up the settlement and make sure it's all in the proper wording and that we're not missing anything. The only thing that has to be dealt with is the house and we're in agreement on that (he will refinance, buy me out for an amount we already agreed upon, and title it in his name only. If he can't refinance it has to be sold, so I'm hoping he'll qualify for financing). No kids make it pretty easy. I don't plan to hire a lawyer to check it because it's pretty straightforward. Basically we'll submit our various paperwork, I will sign off on the agreement providing it matches what we discussed, we appear in court and swear the marriage is irretrievably broken.. that's about it to the legal process. I'm not sure yet if I want to swear it's irretrievably broken but I don't want things to get messy if I say "no" in court. We'll see how I feel in 120 days.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
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Awww KGirl, I'm sorry. But I hope the legal stuff works out in a way you are comfortable with, in a way that keeps the drama low. It's time to really focus on you this year.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
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Well, I managed to get out of bed, get to the grocery store, and get my Saturday morning donuts. I may have gotten going so late that I didn't eat said donuts until 2pm, but that's OK smile Each time something like this happens it takes less time to get out super-depressed mode and get on with life, so that must be a good thing. I know for a lot of people they are just coming here at this moment in the process with hopes of saving their M. Don't know that I really have that hope anymore given the time that has passed, I just want to make it through alive and as intact as possible. He is still all about the grass being greener and I imagine it's hard to decide whether or not that's really true until you go check out the other grass.

I really hope there are no surprises or drama in the legal process. I'm already annoyed and frustrated enough that I have to fill out all this paperwork about my income, assets, debts, etc. for something I don't want, much less have something else pop up. The only thing I can think of is if he had some large hidden assets or money that I don't know about and then I might question whether or not I should have some piece of that. Right now we would just be keeping our own funds/assets and splitting a joint account 50/50. To be honest, I am really looking forward to the payout I will receive for him buying the house. You can't put a price on the grief and pain and time this has caused but somehow that amount of money starts to make up for it - I'm getting "paid back", in some way.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
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I was reading the Sunday paper this morning, and never noticed until today that there is a "Today's quote" section. Today's quote happens to be:
"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from" - T. S. Eliot

So here's to thinking of this as where I start from; a new beginning!


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
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KGirl,

I really feel your pain and I am very sorry you need to go through all this.

Like you said, you didn't ask for all this trouble but your need to work on this now.

I am in the same road, my H called today and asked to meet this week (we agreed on tuesday) to talk about our finances. I asked if he wants some other paperwork that he would need for filing and he said no, first we need to work on our finances and have it straighten up.

Now I have a problem of thinking he is trying to make some deals about his 401k and it wouldn't be good for me, so I need to contact a lawyer and probably file for the D myself, if he doesn't. What a headache, and thinking he doesn't even want to try to work on our M before giving up.

In my case, he is looking forward his romance with a coworker from France. Well, good luck with that.

I cried a lot, my stomach hurts again, I have anger, pain, more anger and more pain. So, I understand you very well. I am trying to tell myself that it's temporary and eventually it will go away.

I met a nice woman today at church. She is looking good, younger, happy. She went through a nasty D. Her H got a GF and started being very abusive with words, made her feel like garbage. She was left with 8 kids and not much money because the Jerk quit working.

After 2 and 1/2 years she looks good and he is still a mess. He already changed 3 GF and is alone now. He tried to get back with her but she said no way, I am better off without him.

So, I felt very hopeful that after a while you start getting that confidence back and have your freedom.

Like Labug said, give yourself time to grief. Cry, scream, bit the pillow, the wall, eat donuts and then get back to life and live it because life is short and there is a lot of important things that we can do that are not related to a guy. We are more then that.

You are dealing with all this with a lot of grace since the beginning, you have been working on yourself and is doing great. Even if it is difficult to see or feel it right now, it will show soon enough and you will smile and be happy again.

Take good care after yourself, I have you in my heart and my prayers. We all love you a lot. We are with you now and always. Give yourself time to recover honey.

Sweetie, a big hug for you.
Pink


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S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



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Not an easy time for you Kgirl. Plan a vacation or something great to look forward to.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
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Right? H said that he didn't want to waste money/time on counseling. I am quite sure this will end up being quite a bit more time/money. Oh well, it is what it is, and I am not doing anything more than my end of it in terms of paperwork and effort. I've had several friends comment lately that I've handled this so well over the past year, so that's reassuring, even if sometimes I don't feel like it. There are many things I could have done (not gonna lie, still thought about them) but have not that would not have been in line with taking the high road. He's just not worth my energy in that regard.

I've been thinking quite a bit about a segment on the morning radio show the other day. In this segment, a woman calls in about her fiancé, who went to a strip club for his bachelor party, and then afterwards told her that he had a lap dance and "touched" the stripper. The woman called the show because she wanted advice - she was really torn up about it, not to the extent that she would call up the wedding, but she felt like it was cheating. Not like I'm going to take advice from a radio show, but I was moreso contemplating the responses. Three of the hosts on the show basically said "If they talked about it in advance, and she said she was uncomfortable with certain things happening, her fiancé out of love and respect for her should have respected that and not done them." Whereas one of the hosts said "No way, she can't control what he does, it's HER problem if she's insecure about it, not his."

Why am I thinking about this? Because that was me and H's battle on a lot of things (there was a strip club incident but transferrable to many other things too - spending time together, him not wanting to tell me who he was with when he'd go out, etc.). And hearing someone else on a radio show that doesn't know me and isn't friends with me and has no stake in my R basically say that it's OK to say you're not comfortable with something and that your partner should respect it or at MINIMUM discuss it with you makes me feel less like I'm a crazy, controlling, uber jealous person. So maybe this is less about me trying to change certain things about myself (because some things I think are fundamentally just me and what I value and what is "trustworthy" to me), and more about the fact that H and I just didn't see things like what it means to be in an R in the same way. It's hard to know that when you start dating so young and just keep going. Maybe instead of trying so hard to force myself to be OK with certain things or how people interact with me, I should instead be focusing on identifying that in other people and making sure we are on the same wavelength. But on the other hand, I don't want to be neglecting things I can do to be a better person and shirking responsibility. Where's the point where it changes from "I can work to improve myself!" to "OK, this is just me, and it's OK to be me, and I just need to find a partner that feels similarly"?


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
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This is a very mature reflection, KGirl. What is the extent of our control over our spouse? What should we endure? Where are we different from most people? How should we change if at all? I'm thinking along the same lines. I have a hard time adopting the idea that each spouse can do whatever they want. It seems like we should be able to place boundaries and see them respected in a couple, because we give much in return.

My IC would be very happy to hear you say that the main challenge is to find the right person. It seems to be his view of relationships. People get in the wrong relationships with the wrong people for the wrong reasons (like my lack of self confidence and fear of rejection around women). I'm not ready to accept it because he implies that My W and I might be unfit for each other, but it's food for thought.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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KGirl Offline OP
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Rather than thinking of it as "right" or "wrong" (relationships, people, reasons, etc.), I think of it as more of a continuum. Some are better than others. Somewhere on the continuum is our threshold and we can be happy with things above that, even if it's not at the top of the list (the best relationship with the best person) because we could spend a lifetime looking for what's at the top, and never be sure. And maybe at one point it WAS more "right" than "wrong", but isn't at this point (whether it never will be towards the "right" side or could tip back, who knows).


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
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Originally Posted By: Mozza
My IC would be very happy to hear you say that the main challenge is to find the right person.


My IC took that a little further. She asked me to consider that H was the very right person for me to raise my children with, that we were great parents and business partners. But maybe he's not the right person for me to grow old with, I need a different person for the kind of companionship I'm looking for. I don't necessarily buy into that, but she was just asking me to consider what if, and I appreciate that about her.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
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