KGirl - one year later con't

[KGirl]

Old thread here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2519729&page=1 . That moved quickly - all that talk about sex and dinner and whatnot got people posting

I'm determined to not yesterday and all that went with it get me down. The texting with H really did not help. It was a mistake to contact him. I considered saying something today like "I'm sorry I contacted you, it was a mistake, blah blah" but decided no. I'm just going to go on from today forward and not reach out to him anymore. He may be confused, he may be hesitant, but in talking with me he is steadfast in his decision so I need to stop looking for potential and opportunities and just let it go. He is not someone I want to be spending time and energy on right now. He dumped me. He has some gaming addiction issues. With his work schedule he'd really have no time for me, anyway, and if we were together I'd be pretty unhappy with how he has chosen to spend his time and money. So, not contacting him anymore. Not hoping for surprises or grand efforts (how sad is it that when my coworkers surprised me for my b-day, I thought maybe it was something planned by H and he'd be there??). Practiced meditating today and that helped, until I got too sleepy (how do you stop from getting sleepy?) Went to the gym, grabbed some sushi and a movie for dinner later, time to stop worrying about yesterday and H and his texts or lack thereof. I think our dinner and texting lately really got my hopes up, and then getting feedback that shows it has not changed things for him at all brought me down again. He has not been here in any supportive type of way and I can't expect that he magically will be. I need to think of him as an ex-roommate with whom I still have some odds and ends to wrap up afterwards.

[paul19510]

(((Kgirl))) I had some interaction with my STBXW when she came by to take my S13 to his game. She is still just as selfish and self centered as before. I came to the same conclusions you mention above. Just keep swimming along.

[KGirl]

Thanks, paul!

Card - re: your last post on my old thread. Underlying this all.. I'm pretty angry at my sister for letting me down on this, because that kind of snowballed into everything else being stressful yesterday. Had she picked me up on time like we agreed, we would have been done eating, in the bar, if people had thought they were eating they could have just done so in the bar. Instead at 7pm we were sitting in a booth for only 4 people (rushing to get food in our mouths) so no one else coming at that time could have joined us. Had I had time to troubleshoot I could have just said "you know, it's too late to do a sit down dinner, we'll just need to sit in the bar and eat since other people are joining us shortly."

And this is why I have such a hard time doing things with other people and planning events, and why I'd prefer to do things on my own most of the time. I don't feel like I can count on them. We had agreed we'd eat dinner at 6 and my sister said she'd be my ride. At 6:05 she called and said "we're on our way there.. but are we supposed to pick you up?" Yes, that is what being my ride entails. We didn't get there until after 6:15. I guess for next time I'll learn that I either just need to do a dinner, or just drinks, and not try and split the difference between both because I can't count on people to follow instructions or be on time. And my sister didn't even have a reason - they had taken the opportunity while they were in town to go shopping at a store they don't have in her town, and the checkout lines were long, apparently.

So yeah. I guess what I'm REALLY upset about (and maybe not the logistics of the birthday celebration) is just feeling like people are letting me down so much lately. First H, and then my own family and friends. If I let them go and don't involve them in things then who do I have left?

[KGirl]

So H texted me today about something I left at the house. I wasn't around for him to drop it off today, but he said he was able to get the rest of this week and next week off so he'll have plenty of time to drop it off later. His days off make me really sad. He had mentioned at dinner last week that he was hoping to get off (it was trickier this year than in years past because he had a lot of work to do before the end of the year) because his best buddy also had off during that time and they could maybe get together (best buddy lives three hours away). Why does this hurt? Since I started working full time in 2010, every year I would beg H to take the time between X-mas and New Year's off with me so we could enjoy it together. 2010, 2011, and 2012 he said no because he didn't want to use vacation days unless we were actually going on a trip (it's not like he didn't have them, but they never expired, so he was all about "stockpiling" them).

Last year he finally agreed to take two weeks off, but I'm not sure why, because when he decided that, according to his timeline, BD was already decided and he was just waiting to tell me. Needless to say we didn't do anything together for those two weeks. Now this year he's OK with taking time off to try and hang out with his friend. So it's worth it to take time off to hang out with your friend, but not to spend time with your wife, based on past years? This shouldn't surprise me because I'd felt like I was always the back-up choice for hanging out and that he'd rather do things w/ friends or coworkers (go out to dinner, get a drink, etc.) than me, and I was just OK for watching TV or when he just really needed someone to go with him somewhere. Seeing a concrete example of that makes me really sad, and makes me wonder why I was willing to settle for someone who didn't see me as a first choice for an activity partner? Or for using vacation days on?

I don't expect to be someone's only person they hang out with... but I do want to be with someone who would generally prefer to do things with me and be excited to do things with me if they're things we both like to do. Is this too clingy? Am I being unrealistic about how relationships work? Or are my expectations just not realistic in regards to what H can provide? I was hoping I could not let thoughts about H creep in during today and tomorrow but maybe that's too much to hope for at this time..

[labug]

Do you think it's too clingy? I read this a couple of weeks ago an it really struck a note with me.
"It's a popular, but untrue notion, that relationship involves making each other happy. It's like putting ourselves in our partner's lap with the assignment to take care of our needs for us - SO - if I'm not happy, it's you, as my partner, who is to blame!
You SHOULD make me happy; it's your job! And if you don't it means you don't love me. Now explain to me how this approach can possibly turn out well?"

I was that ^^^ person! If I was unhappy it was because of something outside of me. My H, My job, my co-workers, my mother, other family members. I didn't realize I could make a choice to be happy and then BE happy. (this is not living in la-la land happy, not every day is unicorns and rainbows)

We decide how we let things affect us and can choose our reaction.

Do you think your sister was intentionally late to mess with your celebration?

Do you think your friends are incapable of taking care of themselves in that situation?

I was a controlling crazymaker. I would also get very caught up in worrying if things weren't perfect, I was a failure. If people had a negative reaction related to that imperfection, that was my fault. I was responsible for them in some way.

Because of that need to control if things didn't go as planned, I went off the rails and most often my H caught the brunt of that. If we entertained at home, OMG, it was awful and not much fun I was so concerned about what our guests others thought or felt. I'm SMH right now just thinking about it. Sheesh! (have you read Underdog's posts to Maybell about being a crazymaker?)

This is because I didn't believe that anyone could like me, for me. I was imperfect, not deserving of their like or love. Once I was able accept my imperfections and feel worthy of love I realized that there were people who could love me, the imperfect me. Even I could love me.

Then the realization came that if there were people who couldn't handle the imperfect me, I didn't need to be concerned with that. That would either accept me as I am...or not. Their thoughts and reactions were their own and had nothing to do with me.
uRworthy writes a lot of good stuff about his.

When you wrote about your friend who was with you but not worried about the other people who hadn't had dinner. You were amazed at how she was able just let it roll of her back. I so understand how you felt in that moment. I too was in awe of people who could do that.

Wonder of wonders, I am now able to be that person most of the time. You can get there, too. It takes practice but it's achievable.

About meditation, if you find yourself falling asleep, it may be better to practice in the morning. Are you sitting when you meditate?

You've come so far.

[KGirl]

Thank you for your reply, labug Sometimes I feel like I'm asking variants of the same thing over and over but you and others still take time to write responses.

Re: the clingy-ness. I don't know. I guess I don't know what is objectively "healthy" and what is not. I know I felt like I wanted to be spending more time together, and he wanted less, and I'm not sure if it's because I was overly dependent on him, or we were just wanting different things. My guess is somewhere in-between - I could have (and am) worked on developing my own interests and doing things independent of him, but even then I wouldn't be happy with him doing something like saying no to dinner out w/ me on a Friday night out because he was already in his pajamas,but then if a friend called him to do dinner he'd put on real clothes and go out (because that would be worthwhile because "friends don't call very often but I can hang out with you anytime"). I don't want to consistently be the 2nd choice for activities. I don't want a partner who would pick his friends to hang out with over me, consistently (sometimes is ok, especially guy things like... watching football. or fishing. or whatever). I still don't know, does that mean I'm too dependent on him? I question whether or not it's an issue for me because H said it was. He said he needed to be able to have his own friends, do things with them, etc. and that I got too "jealous" of when he would do things with them without me, and that I wanted to spend too much time with him. He thought it was unhealthy. But I don't know if that means there is any truth to it. It's not that I didn't want him to do things with friends.. I just wanted to be on equal footing. For example, he spent 6 months studying for a certification exam for work and we didn't do a lot of fun things together during that time. He said we could do things (like go on a vacation) after the test was done. Then when his test was drawing near,a friend asked him to go to Las Vegas the week after the test. I was upset because he had said we'd do things when the test was done, and now the first thing he was doing was going on a vacation with a friend instead. I had said "well, can we go somewhere then shortly after your Las Vegas trip?" His response was "we'll see.. I'm not sure if I'll have the money or the time." I kept asking but he said we didn't have money for that right now (we did, he just chose to spend his on other things like PS4's and iphones) and then 3 months later was BD. I don't think it was too much to ask to alternate friend trips with "us" trips but I don't know... I guess I don't know what "healthy" looks like? Someone else posted about apology languages so I took the test. Unsurprisingly the language that speaks to me is the recompense/retribution one. I want apologies where the person offers to make it up to me in some way or fix whatever it is that was wrong. H never fixed that with the Las Vegas trip so I'm having a hard time letting it go as "he just needs to be able to hang out with his friends once in a while."

No, I don't think any of those things with the birthday were intentional re: the other people involved and being late and whatnot. I guess I felt responsible for things going smoothly because I planned it (but I shouldn't... all I can be responsible for is the invitation and being there when I'm supposed to be. Though it appears I didn't do either of those things right because I was late to my own b-day and no one understood my invitation? Hmph). It is true, though, that I rarely entertain people because I'm worried about everything being "perfect" and people being happy - having things clean, spaces to sit, the right food and enough of it, games to play, etc. I do totally want to be that person who doesn't let things like that bother them... guess I need to keep practicing.

Good idea about practicing in the morning. I tend to try after dinner and that probably leads to sleepy-time, especially now that it's dark at 4pm.

[gan]

Hey KGirl,

"...and then 3 months later was BD." So is it possible he was acting this way because he was already done with the R? Or did he do this from the beginning? If the former then it was probably WAH script. I'd be more concerned if this was what he was always like. Speaks a by more to his character and values, you know?

[KGirl]

Hmm... good question, ganb8te. I think it's always been there but was worse at different times, and notably became worse starting in April 2013 and leading up to BD. Could he have been thinking about it for that long? Maybe, I don't know. An example of how this has been an ongoing struggle: in college (2007ish) he broke up with me because he felt like he didn't "have a life" outside of me and that I was "preventing" him from meeting new people and socializing and whatnot. At the time he got really into some business clubs/fraternities that did a lot of drinking events, design competitions to different cities, etc. I wasn't part of that scene and started to get upset that every weekend he'd be at a club social event or out of town for a competition, and it left very little time to hang out with me (at least in terms of what I wanted). We graduated college in 2008 and he stopped doing those things and then for me, at least, things were better. In April 2013 H got a new job that was much less stressful than the one he had had since graduating college, and left a lot more free time to socialize, leave work early for happy hour, go out for long lunches, etc. He also began to prep for this certification exam that was in September 2013 (BD was Dec. 2013). So, when he wasn't studying for the exam, he was having Friday nights out w/ his coworkers, or playing club soccer...we had conversations where I talked about how as he added more activities and study time, it seemed to cut into "us" time, as opposed to his individual hobbies or activities (video games, fantasy sports, etc.) and something had to give. He insisted he could just keep adding on more things and there would be enough time in the day, and he wasn't going to cut back on his "hobby" time. I started getting upset again and feeling neglected... and then came the Las Vegas trip in September 2013 which I think was pivotal in all of this. Every time H talks about our R, anyway, he mentions something about the Las Vegas trip. Hard to say which came first.. it seems like it was kind of intertwined with BD and each spurred the other.

[claire7]

KGirl--

A big takeaway for me (and something I am definitely still working on, especially as an introvert!) is that GAL is not just for DBing. It's important to GAL when you are in a R, too. I think that being totally interested and absorbed in someone is flattering and attractive for a while... but then it's like, wait a sec-- if we don't have our own lives, how do we bring new things to the R?

I've realized how, when I'm in a R, I tend to just morph into a version of the person I'm with. My bf before H was really into indie music. So, I was too. But he hated trying new or unusual food, so I didn't do that. My H? The opposite. Music was gone, but food was in!

Who the heck am I in all of this? I'm still working on carving out a life for myself outside of work and my D. It's important work, and I'm glad to have the chance to do it.

What are you doing for your GAL?

[gan]

KGirl and Claire, might I suggest you check out the books by David Schnarch (passionate marriage etc). Sex therapy angle aside, there is so much in his books that speak to the need for personal growth through a process of differentiation. Based on your comments above I think you would find his perspectives useful. It was reading these books that made me realise that DB principles should be a permanent fixture in any adult relationship, not just a short term approach to help us out of a difficult situation.