The Awakening of ME

[job]

I'm very happy to come here and read that your h opted to come along for the dinner and festivities in the park. He didn't feel any pressure and he was able to make the decision on his own and had a great time w/his family and friends. This is a big step for him in the right direction.

Sounds like this holiday season will be much brighter for you and your family. I'm sure the photo is a nice one. You might want to think about having it enlarged and place it somewhere in your home to remind you that miracles can and do happen during the holiday season.

I think it's wise of you to start some new traditions to keep things fresh and make new memories. You just might be surprised at how much he'll want to participate w/you and your son if you continue to do this. One thing...low or no expectations...okay?

May your holiday season be bright and a happy one.

[mleigh4]

This week has been crazy busy. I finally have a chance to check in and catch up. I hope everyone had a good Christmas.

Christmas Eve I had to work but they let us go early at 2. I got S and we want to my old neighbors to feed her cats. I have to say, going to my old apartment is bringing back some crappy memories and feelings from a difficult time last year! I have been feeling a bit down and wonder if this has anything to do with it. I am really trying to change my thoughts from bad flashbacks to being grateful I am home this year instead. S and I went to church services at 5. This was a first for us. We were both not sure what to expect and laughed as we sat close to the door in case we wanted to sneak out! But we stayed the full service and it was actually pleasant for me. S didn't care for it so much but he stuck it out! After, we went back home to switch off S. H had just gotten home from work and was very stressed out and scrambling to get together the gifts for his mom's house that he didn't have ready. He was worried because he got gifts for his nieces children, but forgot one which is a new baby. I usually do this shopping, but have not the past 2 years. He really has no relationship with his sisters or nieces, the pressure of gifts seem silly to me. But I assured him he did great and to try to not worry about it, that his niece will understand. I grabbed my bottle of wine and cheesecake and left to head to my friends for Christmas Eve dinner!

I had a wonderful night and just felt so welcome for dinner. It was a relaxed night filled with delicious food on a fancy decorated table with lots of laughs. It was perfect and the best Christmas Eve I have had in years. I missed being with S, but did not miss one single second of being at MIL's house as we have done the last 13 years. I got home about 10:30 and H and S had just gotten home too. S was crashed out but woke up and squeezed back when I gave him a goodnight hug and kiss. H and I spent the next hour getting the stockings and house all set for Santa! Santa even fills our cat and dog's stockings! H finally sent me to bed because I was exhausted.

S woke me up about 7 Christmas morning jumping up and down. Each year it gets better with him! We all got up and opened gifts. We all got great gifts and had fun opening. H then made us waffles for breakfast. My mom came over for a little bit, then H's dad, sister ( who I have built a close relationship with this last year)and BIL came for dinner. Overall it was a nice day. Once Everyone left and I got the house back in order I finally sat down to chill. I have to admit I was felling a little sadness. I noticed myself watching H throughout the day and feeling like he was disappearing with his phone. Why does he constantly need that thing on him? Is everyone like this and am I just over sensitive and paranoid? I mean, the man literally sleeps with his phone instead of his wife. How do I not wonder if there is a OW sometimes? Anyway, I hate when that anxiety creeps in, it becomes a battle for me to control. I also reflected on the gifts I got from H. Nice things but all material, nothing personal. I felt a little sad that I didn't have that warmth of love and security for Christmas. But I switched my focus to S and all that I get from him. I just miss the connection with H sometimes. I didn't say anything or do anything about my feelings, I just withdraw when I feel this way.

Trying to shake the melancholy today. Reading some posts on here really helps. I think I have drifted from my detachment path so need to find my way back there. I don't know where H's thoughts and heart are. I know we were all home together and had a nice day. I need to rebury my fears of what he does on that damn phone. Let things play out and only live by what I know. My imagination can be brutal!

[AJM]

Hmm.. yes, the imagination is often worse than reality. Took a while for me to see that, but found it to be true over and over again.

This time of year can be rough whether going through difficult times or not. Don't beat yourself up about it. As always, tomorrow is a new day with new surprises. Don't let the imagination get in the way of that!

Glad you had a great Christmas!

AJ

[mleigh4]

Well there she blows! I have been feeling it build up in me. I have been watching and waiting for H to need to go out to do something. Of course, I still suspect he is hiding something, maybe someone? Not sure. So today H says he is going to go return a shirt he got his dad that didn't fit. Knowing the store he was going to, and that there is a see's candy next door to it, I decided to test it. I gave him a coupon we got for a pound of see's candy and asked him to grab that while there. Also asked if he could run by grocery store for a few things. So H was gone about 3 hours. And no See's candy, says the line was too long. My bells and alarms go off. And anxiety took over....

I went into "his" room to put away some Christmas stuff we store in that closet and there is the bag for the stuff he was to return. Wasn't sure if it was the same sweater or not but the receipt showed he bought 2 things 2 hours after he left here and in a store 35 miles away instead of the one in town. My mind starts going, where was he before that??? So I asked and he got defensive, said he decided to go by Jose's before the shopping. It escalated and I asked him to prove he was there. To show me the text on his phone when Jose texted him and he said no. We argued, I told him the only reason he couldn't prove me wrong was because he was lying. He finally grabbed his phone looking at texts and I grabbed for it. We started totally wrestling over his stupid phone and he managed to click it off. I again told him you wouldn't act like that if you weren't hiding something. I told him this is no joke, that I am a hairline away from filing for D because I can't live this ridiculous charade anymore. He said no matter what, I never believe what he says. I told him that is only because he can never prove me wrong. That any normal person would want their spouse to know they were telling the truth. He broke my trust, several times, with that stupid phone and his actions are not earning it back. I then got the speal of blame blame blame. I grabbed his phone again and hid it, told him he wasn't getting it ubtil he was honest with me. After more drama, I finally just gave it back to him, told him again that he was cruel for putting our marriage and family through all of this. That he really should just get out. He said he is looking for a place.

Oh man, did I flip or what? I am so sick of his phone. Honestly, his behavior on that phone is the cause for our marriage failing. I just don't think he woulld guard it like that if he wasn't hiding something. I refuse to be married to someone who hides things. I can't. I am at my ropes end right now. I want him out. I need to regroup. Right now, I have no respect or attraction to that man. None.

[job]

I'm so sorry that things escalated. Maybe he did or maybe he didn't return the sweater, but the receipt shows he bought 2 items. Can you tell what they were? Now, this is really a no no, but if it will help clear your mind, find the receipt and take it to the store. They can tell you what he purchased. I did that and that's how I caught my xh in his lies and deception. Not very db like, but you've been at this a while, i.e., suspecting him of something. If the gut tells you that something is not right, then it's not.

He's been doing some gas lighting and it's time to turn that gas off. No more talks about how close you are divorcing him. He thinks that because you brought it up in the heat of the moment that you are just using idle threats. Doesn't sound like he's being looking for a place very hard. Notice how he brings that up whenever there are discussions about what he's doing or not doing? It's his way of trying to keep you from asking questions, etc.

Take some time to breathe and settle down. When you are feeling a little more at peace, you will know when you've had enough. You have to take care of you and your child. The stress and tension are escalating and it's not good for either of you or your pets.

[mleigh4]

Hi Job,

I am feeling really down right now. I think it's time, to find a mediator and start splitting things up. I think it's time. I for too long have felt there is something not right with him. I look at him and just don't see my husband anymore. My feelings have changed so much. I look at him and think, ew, weirdo, trainwreck, liar.... Not good things. I love him, don't get me wrong, but there is no connection emotionally or physically. The thought of him even touching me makes me cringe. I am back to feeling how I did when I initially pulled away several years ago. It's all back again. But now lies and deceit are added into the mix of things. I get in his truck or jeep and wonder, who has been in here? Where has it been? He goes into the bathroom for 20 minutes and it's who is he talking to? I wonder when he went Christmas shopping, who is he shopping for? My mind keeps going to OW, but I still have no proof. And his phone, he has it on him at all times, it is never lying around or left out. Never. He is hiding something, OW, drugs, stolen goods, porn, online relationship.... who knows. All I know is this isn't healthy, for any of us. Yes, we get along and live in harmony in our home for the most part, but my suspicions wear on me. I need him out.

[mleigh4]

More thoughts coming in. The thing is, to live here in harmony, I can be patient with his MLC, give him his space and time to find himself, accept that I have been abstinent for 1 1/2 years and counting. But I can't live with lies. I need him to be open and honest with me and if he can't do that than our living arrangement doesn't work for me.

When he left here yesterday and gave me the impression that he was going to a store here in town, he headed straight to a different city instead. Why couldn't he just tell me that? Say I'm going to go visit so and so, then hit the stores. That is what sets off my alarms and whistles. I don't care that he visits his friend, I think that is great, but I don't think that is what he did. He just kept saying over and over, I didn't do anything wrong. He may not have, but lying is wrong. I don't understand why he feels this need to do things different than what he says behind my back, and insist it is all innocent. His story he gave me, that Jose texted him while he was out, doesn't jive. H was supposed to be heading straight to Marshalls and See's candy in town, instead, according to his story, he said he headed to See's candy in a town 10 miles away, the line was too long to wait, then got the text from Jose and headed there, another 20 miles away. I just don't get it.

He may have always been like this and I just never knew because for 14 years, I never had any trust issues with him. It's very passive aggressive behavior to do what he does, I may have never noticed it before.

The other night he was flying S's new helicopter around the house and he flew it over my head, then it came crashing down on me. It really hurt. H just laughed. I got up and calmly took it to him, although I really wanted to throw it back at him. After about 20 minutes and fuming, I said "aren't you going to at least say sorry for crashing that thing into my head?". H said, oh, did it hurt? I said of course it did, but that doesn't matter either way. When you do something like that, it's common courtesy to say sorry. It's just good manners. My son just looked at H and nodded in agreement. H said sorry and sulked the rest of the night. I've been waiting for my passive aggressive punishment and payback. I guess saying he was doing one thing, and doing another, was it. Classic.

[job]

Like a teenager, he doesn't think about what he's doing and how it reflects back on him to you. Like a teenager, he figures he'll go to the next town and do whatever there and you won't find out. Again, he's not thinking how it looks, nor does he really care. He's flexing his muscles a bit and looks at you as an authority figure and his motto could very well be "what she doesn't know won't hurt her". Like a teenager hiding things from mom.

As for being sorry about you getting hit in the head, well. his empathy chip is broken and he thought it was funny. He doesn't realize that you could have been seriously hurt, i.e., hit in the face, poked in the eye, etc. Again, not thinking.

As we have talked many times on this forum, lies come naturally to them in crisis. They aren't of their right minds and believe me, if their lips are moving, they are lying.

I'm going to suggest that you read up on passive-aggressive behavior. You will be surprised at what you learn and then you'll be able to reflect back and see his actions and go "wow". Once you learn more about it, you'll be able to recognize it for what it is and avoid stepping into the trap of reacting.

I'm very sorry that you holiday has been marred by his behavior. Breathe, cuddle your son and your little kitty. Try not to react to his bad behavior because he's acting out like a spoiled child.

[Matt165]

Hi mleigh,
So very sorry to hear the place you are at. Things had started to sound like they were going well but I do understand that feeling of how you just can't pretend the last year didn't happen. There comes a point where you get so tired of always having to be the "grown up", the one that "let's things go". I so can relate to the phone issue. My W, when she was home never left her phone out of her sight. I remember when she first started to change, to go into her MLC, we went out to dinner together. This was special because with two teenage girls we were always having to pick up or drop off or whatever and never had any "us" time. Well, the whole meal she was on her phone texting her "friends" from work. I do mean the entire time. I finally had enough and asked her to please put the phone down and talk to me instead of the people she spends her entire day with. You would have thought I asked her to cut off her hand! If I had ignored her that way she would have been so hurt and upset. I think that's the rub. It gets hard being treated in a way that THEY would never put up with from us. The way they avoid by turning things back on us, the way they project their own chit onto us. My W has stated so many times how she couldn't "trust" me. What couldn't she trust? I was always there for her, I never did anything that I wouldn't share with her. What she couldn't trust was herself, her own feelings.

I can also relate to the paranoia about you putting GPS in his car or what not. My W swore that I was tracking her constantly, reading her emails, checking up on her...the thing is, I wasn't. Even if I had been, what difference would it make unless there was something she had to hide? Now that W is no longer living here the phone isn't always in her sight. In fact my D15 tells me she has forgotten to take it to work a few times. So, why was it so important to keep it in sight when I was around but now not? The only reason could be because SHE was hiding something. Why can't they understand that it's their own behavior that is causing the problems, that they are the ones that aren't allowing the M to work?

The way your H is acting reminds me of something my W said to me, on more than one occasion. She said "I don't want my M to work anymore". Who says something like this? If your M and it's working, than that means that things are going well and each person is happy. How crazy is it that she can really feel that she doesn't want a M that works? Of course she wants A M that works, what she doesn't want is to face the fact that she is the one who destroyed her own M and family. It is easier I think for the MLCer to push the LBS away than to face up to the fact that they were the ones that ruined a M and family. They have projected so much of their pain onto us, invested so much in us being to blame for their bad feelings they are afraid to stop. If we aren't the cause then what is?

It seems to me that your H wants to have his family but isn't ready to do any of the work needed to have a R. That just can't work in the long run. You have really grown over the last year while he has regressed. Even if he has nothing to hide, he has to know that acting like a teenager, hiding things from you can't happen if he wants a R with you. It just isn't possible. I think this is where the process breaks down. You are more adult and together and then you have been in the past and he is more messed up and immature than he has been since he was a teenager. M is bout more than being "in love" with your S. It's a commitment to another person. If I needed to feel madly in love with my W in order to want to be M, my M would have ended long ago. That's not enough to give up on a M. But, if the other person just refuses to face their own problems, blames their S for their own bad feelings and actions and isn't willing to make the changes needed, that IS a reason to end a M. Only you know when you have had enough, given him time to come to his senses. Just be sure that you can look back and say you gave it all you had.

Hang in there mleigh. You will know when you have had enough and the distance between you and your H has become too great.

[mleigh4]

Job- earlier this year my FIL told me that H grew up in a very passive aggressive home and environment and to read up on it. I got a book right away, being married to a passive aggressive man. And oh yes, it described my H and our marriage to a T. It has helped to recognize the signs, even to predict behaviors. I just knew yesterday was coming, aftee standing up to him about the helicoptor. The thing is, when I call him out on his behavior, its almost like he looks at himself for a brief moment, see's what an ass he is being, then turns the blame on me because he cant face it. Mindreading, I know, but a pattern I see over and over.

Matt- you are spot on about many things. I do believe H doesnt want to lose us and wants to stay home. I really do. But most of that seems to be for his own selfish reasons. I have my boundaries, I know to live in harmony together during our journeys, that I must have honesty. I cant live day to day feeling over and over again that he is hiding something. And the way he panicked and wrestled that phone out of my hand tells me he is hiding something. Its immature, childish, self centered and I wont stand for it. I am not trying to come off as his mother although I know this is how he sees it. In fact, he kept saying last night that he couldnt believe I was so upset that he went by Jose's. He just doesnt see it for what it is, that I am upset about his behavior and mainly, that he wont prove me wrong by showing me his phone. That phone and whatever is on it, his stubborness, is more important than his family and marriage.

What it all comes down to is this. For a year and a half H has turned his nose up at our family, our home and our marriage. He has moved himself into the spare room of his own home. He has not touched his wife in 1 1/2 yeara. He has done 1 maybe 2 things as a family. He has done his party all night stint, slept on peoples couches, ceeated a new circle of friends. I want to ask him, how is this all working for you? Have you found the happiness you are looking for? Is your life better for it? Do you look in the mirror at the end of the day and think to yourself, I have been a steller husband, father and man today? My guess is no. He is not ready or able to face himself and the mess he has created. All the better for him to get out on his own to figure things out.

The good part of all this? I can, however, look in the mirror each night and say I have been a supportive and caring wife, a loving mother and an amazing and strong women. That he cant take away!