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SunnyB #2519377 12/21/14 08:10 PM
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Hi rppfll. I know. Your right W is gone and I have to move on. thanks for posting.

As regards L/C I first met with her without Ws knowledge ( a cousin of mine recommended her and just for me). W called me on my way back and asked where I had been. ( we were still living together). I told her about L/C and and she asked could she see her the next day as she hoped she could help her W met with L/C and they really got on. L/C asked her about OM and wife told her that she hoped she could help him and he helped her by listening to her without judging. W had spoke to fiends and family but they all judged her for wanting to split up the M and that she should work on it. L/C told W that if W was not honest with her or L/C thought she was lying she would not see her. L/C is very unorthodox but fantastic. W told aal/C that she saw this guy as a fiend and someone she could help. (W has a degree is physiology but never used it) OM was sexually abused and beaten as a child and is bi polar and a drink problem. He has been and out of psychic hospitals two times in the last year and tried to commit suicide twice in the last eighteen months L/C thinks OM is a user and with years of counselling behind him is very manipulative W stopped seeing L/C when L/C advised mem to meet with OM and ask him what was going on. I did and he turned very violent. He was drunk and told me W was better off without me as I always made her feel second best and not good enough for me. He also threatend to kill me and told me that if he wanted to have my W he could but he was not after that ( he said all this while trying to beat me to death, he had lost control and I think I was lucky he was so drunk). Luckily I was as to defend myself and never laid a finger on him. I lwent home and told W that as long as she was friends with a person like that she was not welcome in our home. W left three weeks later. W has mentioned going to see L/C on a few occasions but never has.

L/C thinks W is iMLC and under severe stress and that's why she left. L/C advised W to stay because there was nothing seriously wrong with our M that time and effort could not fix. W decided different and left.

Sorry for long post but you have been so kind I wanted to answer as fully as poss

Take care. Rd

rd500 #2519392 12/21/14 09:09 PM
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RD

A very good post to explain your sitch.

I wonder if you noticed your description of OM as a fiend? He certainly sounds and seems like the most unlikely OM, a very unusual choice indeed. He appears to have every psychological issue in his portfolio that could possibly be included.

Very disturbing and perturbing. Sadly there is little you can do until W emerges from her fog. It is possible W hasn't seen OM in all his glory yet.

However did OM accidentally give you valuable information with his second best etc comment? Did you feel it had any validity and why/why not?

RD seems to have all of the opposite characteristics of OM (and he rides motorcycles, loves NS and Motown).

Still waiting for RD report on his GAL, so important to improve PMA.

Enjoy your evening
Vanilla

Last edited by Vanilla; 12/21/14 09:11 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2519409 12/21/14 10:42 PM
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Hi vanilla. I'm completly at sea this weekend and very upset. D10 started crying tonight and told me she no longer wants to go with W to her flat. She was looking at Ws phone and saw a picture of OM on Ws sofa with Ws cats. I explained to D that it meant nothing and her mum still loves her but she was not having it saying Her mum does not love her like she used to and she is different. I explained her mum stilled loved her just as much but maybe wasn't showing it like before. Really sad and lost. Rd

rd500 #2519415 12/21/14 11:23 PM
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RD
You may know I fostered children. D10 is at a difficult age, she is reaching the time and space where she has ideas of her own. It is a measure of her trust in you that she is so open with her feelings in this way.

I believe this is more than nothing RD, and whilst you are saddened that should not affect the action you take. D10 has told you something very important and she needs validation, this is something important, especially to D10.

Can I suggest that you simply give her a hug and tell her what she has to say is important to you and you would like to talk to her mum, with her/without her? That you understand what she is saying and thank you for talking about it because that's very brave and you really appreciate her telling you. Tell her that you too are concerned that she sees her mum as different but you are sure she is loved. Then she feels validated and knows you understand. RD this means something to D, so acknowledge it, do not negate. If you need a conversation with D tomorrow then you can introduce the topic by saying you have been thinking about what she said and then follow through with the validation. Ensure you and D have privacy. Afterwards normalise by sharing some food or drink or playing a game/TV, washing up etc. do not have this conversation before school or bed time. For the next couple of days, extra hugs please. I am sure the vets will chip in if they sense I am misguiding you. Ensure you confirm with D10 that you will always discuss this with her and any action agreed with W.

You can talk this through with IC too.

No doubt others will contribute especially on a script with W. It may be time to enforce some boundaries on W if this is affecting your younger children, (vis Ws phone and OM). I can really understand that you would not want this OM near your children.

If D does not want to visit with W at her flat can another arrangement be made?
Concerned
Vanilla

Last edited by Vanilla; 12/21/14 11:29 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2519416 12/21/14 11:28 PM
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Can I just say I wish I'd learned this basic stuff about validation and how to show care and compassion before I was 34.

Still going to need a GAL schedule from you though


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
jim0987 #2519468 12/22/14 03:10 AM
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rd, that's quite a story about the OM. Sorry you had to go through that. And sorry your D10 is having a hard time. Vanilla is right that you need to make sure she knows you hear her and that you are glad she is talking to you. That's half the battle right there. Are your daughters close to one another? How does D13 feel about going to mom's? Do they usually go together? I'm just thinking that D13 may be your best ally here; or she may not, I know how tricky teenage girls are. In any case, wishing you a better day tomorrow.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
SunnyB #2519512 12/22/14 11:57 AM
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HI Rppfl, D13 doesnt always want to go but I have asked her to go in the past. They normally go together but D13 was at a sleep over this week so D10 (happy to go) went on her own. D13 is very very close to me and D10. Since W left both Ds have become much closer to me and we have a fantastic relationship. W does envy this but it was her making. I suppose the part I am struggling with today is Ws disregard of my childrens feelings. I cannot stress that she was a great mum and now its like she doesnt even want to be their mum. I can understand about me because people do fall out of love but the kids i do not understand. Please no 2x4s neededl, I have read a WAWs and MLC's but """" its hard. Sorry for venting.

rd500 #2519547 12/22/14 02:31 PM
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rd, you know I'm not going to hand out a 2x4 about the kids. I've said all along that I can forgive the A, but forgive walking out on my kids? I don't know. It's hard to comprehend.

Do you and W have an agreement about sharing, something that's regularly scheduled? (Sorry, you have probably explained that somewhere, I just didn't go backwards to look). Does D10 object to being with mom in general, or just at her flat?

Wishing you a fabulous start to the week.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
SunnyB #2519575 12/22/14 03:12 PM
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Hi Rd,

Man, it's very serious stuff here. You wrote about some physical conflict with this OG, what impression did you have about this person?

We are talking about a person that has unbalanced behavior, mixed up with alcohol, meds and God knows what else.

I know that you want to recover your M, but your kids are your priority here. Do you fear for your Ds safety when they are at your W's flat? If so, you will need to express your concerns with your W or maybe talk to a L to find out what are your rights about visitation in this specific situation.

I was sexually abused by my grandfather when he was staying at my parents house. I was younger then your Ds but it happen and now I am doing some trauma treatment. Open your eyes and heart and take it very serious.

Maybe you want to think about of how to talk to your Ds and find the all the reasons your Ds don't seem to want to spend time at their Mom's place.

Listen, I am not saying it happen or even will happen, but this is a very concerning situation and it's important you understand that when your kids are at your W's flat you know exactly that this guy is not around. If your W cares for him and want to help him it's her business but your children are your business and you want to see if they are 100% safe.

Rd, pay much attention. If you feel uncomfortable with what is going on, talk to a social service or a L for advice of how you need to proceed. Sometimes, it is necessary to have supervised visitation, or the Mom or Dad need to visit the kids at their residence, or even the visitation needs to be in a public place. There are choices to make it safer to your kids.

Think about very carefully and try to decide what is better for your Ds in your unique situation.

Hope things get better,
Hugs

Pink


Pink17
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D:8/5/2015



Pink17 #2519602 12/22/14 04:40 PM
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thanks Pink, my honest impression of the guy was a lowlife, i'm sorry to use that term but I employ drivers for my business and this guy would never get a job in the real world. When I met him he was very drunk (it was 5.30pm on a tuesday) and was looking for a fight, I am not a tough guy but neither am I am wimp and during my business life I have dealt with this type on many occasions ( I am talking when he was drunk) He is a very short man (5,5) at best, tattos, earrings, etc. Please dont judge me as I am trying to paint a picture. When he came to his door I knew what was going to happen and I had already had information about from the police. He has a small record (nothing serious), a drink driving and various drunk dealings with the police. He also tried to commit suicide twice last year but 1/2 arsed and just attempts to get his ex wife back. At the door he launched into abuse about how I had treated my W (which she denied she told him !, later) and then went on about me having the police report, I knew he was going to attack me so I basically told him to get on with it. When I told W I was going down to see him she lost it and told me that I didnt trust her !!!When he attacked I stayed calm and the more I kept him off me the madder he got, thats when he told me he could have my W if he wanted and he was going to put me in the boot of my car and drive it into the canal. He did mange to connect a few times and my face was quite bloddy. I left after he seem to run out of steam and as I passed him I thanked him for his time. I did not accuse him of an affair I only asked him if he spent time with my W. He did asnwer by saying they were friends and he was her confident but then he lost control.

Regards the girls being safe, I fully take onboard what you are saying and both Ds know to call me if there is ever anyone at Ws. I have told W that should he ever be brought into their lives in any way shape or form, I would do whatever it took to ensure their safety. W responded that she has no plans to bring anyone into their lives and never him as she knows what he is like and would never put kids near him. . Time will tell but I will be on top of it.

Thanks for posting, it really means alot.

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