I think I'm done

[mustardseed]

My last thread was in piecing. But that obviously was premature. I'll try to link it up a little later.

Things haven't changed much except that my emotions took over for a couple of weeks after hearing about how familiar he is with his "very good friend" and I spent a few weeks doing the opposite of detaching and DBing. In response he decided to wait until I was at my worst and then tell the kids that we are getting divorced.

This was right after Halloween. I spent that weekend trying to console the kids--he convinced me that I had to make amends with s because he overheard me saying some pretty mean things about his "very good friend" who is also someone they know very well and have to deal with on a daily basis. At the time my remorse for losing my cool and not realizing DS heard had me convinced I was to blame. But after owning my actions and talking to the kids about how I behaved badly and I said untrue things because I was angry and wanted to pick a fight, all of that blew over and I realized this was his way of turning the tables so that I was the bad guy--the crazy one. So when this marriage ends it doesn't have to all be on him. I think he has been waiting a long time for me to crack like that--all of those months of DBing must have been driving him crazy.

I'm not sure if he talked to the kids at all about our marriage since then. There is no exit plan in place. He hasn't done anything to move forward with a D or S. He is sunshine and roses around the kids, then mutters under his breath about how much he hates living here (as if they don't hear that). I decided he is insane and manipulative, and I'm not playing anymore. He can do whatever he wants to do. We spent Thanksgiving separate--he claims he did nothing, and I had the kids. He was supposed to have the kids, but convinced them that they would have more fun with me. Then he got all annoyed that we didn't leave right away and claimed he was having and "anxiety attack" and was going to go to his fathers (although he has no car and never spends time with his dad). It was his way of telling me to take the kids to my parents a day early. He even offered to drop us off--and I caved.

So he had the car until Saturday, then he took the kids to visit his family and I went to a friends house. And I think it was when I was there that I realized I am being a fool trying to make this marriage work.

He likes to pretend that he is this broken human being. Maybe he is, who knows, but that isn't my problem to fix. And tiptoeing around him, trying to protect his "fragile state" is insanity on my part and such a bad message for the kids. Who would stay in this situation? He is making a fool out of me. So Thanksgiving weekend the distance helped me snap out of my emotional whirlwind and I decided it is time to plan my exit.

The problem is that now that the kids know it complicates things. DD keeps hinting about not wanting to move. She caught me looking at zillow (something she likes to do with me for fun). I was looking for apartments, but when she saw that I was on I switched to houses for sale. At first she got excited and we played make-believe about what kind of house we want. But then after about 20 minutes she said, "But I don't want to move." That night I heard her crying in her room. Something she hasn't done since that first weekend after DH told them. I feel awful because now they are in this limbo that I have been in for the past 15 months. Knowing that their life is changing, but having no clue how or when or why.

It isn't fair. None of this is fair. It isn't fair to them to have to carry that burden of uncertainty. It isn't fair to me to know that he is completely done with me, but won't take any action. I just want him to move out, or file or something. I don't want to be the one to have to do it. I feel like he is purposefully setting things up so that I take the initiative to make it happen and then he can say that I was the one who did it.

He was the same way when he suggested the MC. So convincing that he really wanted to fix things, but then when push came to shove he just dropped the ball and started slipping back into his cold and distant behaviors. Now he is so convincing that he wants a D but won't do anything about it. But then again he is like that with everything. His car was supposed to be getting fixed but I haven't seen it since July--no word on what is going on with it. Now he is supposed to be getting another car which was supposed to be here 3 weeks ago. Still no news on that. He just can't execute any plans.

My new job is a blessing. Not only because of the financial freedom, but also because of the amount of work involved--it takes up all of my time. It is a great distraction. During the week I feel like I can go on like this for a while, but then the weekend comes and it feels like the world is crumbling beneath my feet. I am dreading my holiday vacation coming up and I probably will just take the kids and stay with family for most of it. I'm sure that is what he is banking on as well.

I told myself, after Thanksgiving, that I would start the D process before New Year's. The clock is ticking and I still haven't made an appointment with the lawyer. I don't want to be the one to pull the trigger. But I know that I no longer want to work on the marriage. I don't think there is much he could do at this point to make me think he is worth my time anymore. So I guess the tables have turned. Am I the WAW now?

[mustardseed]

So I think I am ready to get the process started. But I'm scared. And in the meantime I feel like DB techniques are still important, not because I want to win him back, but because I felt sane and confident when I was DBing properly, and somehow I have lost that these past few months. I feel terrified and desperate and I need to get over that.

So DB advice needed!
Here's the deal.
After I got my new job I discussed changing the way we handle fincances so it is more 50/50. Rather than having him give me a flat amount I put him in charge of two bills. The first month of that the bills ended up being late (that was our old habit that always drove me crazy--the reason why I took over the finances in the first place and probably the reason why he started being an A$$). I panicked and said, "Would you prefer if I pay them and you give me the money?" He said he thought that would work better.
November he gave me the money after me asking twice.
December is almost over, still haven't seen the money. mentioned the one bill 3 times, and the other bill once. Now the first bill is coming due again the first week in January and I still haven't seen the December money. I paid it so it is current, but now I am out last months money and need to use the last paycheck I got to pay January.

How do I handle this in a DB kind of way?
In addition we are still giving the kids gifts from both of us for Christmas. Usually we go shopping together, but this year he said he thinks we should both just do it separately. So I asked if he had a budget for each. Nope. He gave me a list of what he already got S13, we discussed briefly what we should get D11. At first I was thinking of just waving the December bills and having him buy all of the gifts with the bill money being my contribution but then I thought better of it. Better to keep it simple. So I again asked for the bill money and mentioned we should save receipts for gifts then split it 50/50. He said OK. We will see how that happens. Is this me making his life easier or is this appropriate conversations to have? I hate not having some sort of plan in place, but he is so noncommittal to everything so I feel like I am doing all of the work and making it easy for him.

The last thing is holidays with the kids. Originally I figured we would split it this way: Thanksgiving they are with him, Christmas eve with me, Christmas day with him. New Years Eve to be determinned. Easter with me. It is kind of how we worked it when we were doing holidays together.

But so far this year he talked the kids into wanting to go to Thanksgiving with me (I loved having them but they were confused). Christmas eve will be with me, but he keeps hinting that he is going to send them with me Christmas day as well. New Years Eve I just texted him that I have plans and wanted to know if he would be around for the kids or if I should ask my parents (I am at my parents' house this weekend). He said he doesn't have plans yet but wants me to ask them. This got me really upset. I didn't respond, but I can't believe he pretends to want to be this involved father and hasn't wanted to spend any holidays with them so far. My reaction was to call him out on that but I resisted.

Now I feel bad. I want to be with my kids on every holiday. But I want them to have a relationship with him. I don't know if this New Year's Eve thing (which has never been a huge holiday for him or us since we've been married) is just his way of reacting to the fact that he didn't expect me to have plans.

I don't know if I have a coherent question here, but I pretty much want to know how to handle these situations with dignity and detachment. I have a hard time with understanding what is boundary setting and what is becoming to involved.

I feel like the the kids and I deserve to have some expectations about what happens for holidays and that I deserve to know that bills are paid on time without me having to be the one paying all of them (I don't mind actually making the payment, but I don't think it should all come from my paycheck).

This makes me want to call the lawyer ASAP just so I have things in writing. But emotionally I am still not ready to pull the trigger.

[mustardseed]

My Last Thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...682#Post2499682

The one before it:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2472695&page=1

[Maybell]

Hey, mustardseed, read my current thread -- Labug has some stuff on there that will be relevant to your sitch. Also the last page or two of my thread XXIV, which talks a lot about the advantages of at least a legal separation.

Wishing you a very merry Christmas, in spite of the disarray in our lives.

[mustardseed]

Thank you. Going to check it out right now.

[Ile Guy]

HI Mustard... just catching up on the tail end of your sitch... very sorry to hear. I will keep you on my prayers and your family as well. Im not sure what kind of advice to give since this is all new to me as well. Just wanted to let you know there are people in your corner praying for the preservation of your family. Its funny (not really but...), before this happened to me I really could care less about anyone else's sitch as long as it wasn't a close friend or family member. HOW WRONG I WAS!!! Stay strong... and like I said, I will keep you in my prayers. There is a lot of others on here that can give you more experienced advice than I.

Have a Merry Christmas and keep those kiddos first and foremost.

[Ile Guy]

Keep checking back to my thread and hopefully, God willing, it may help in the near future.

[Ile Guy]

ok I lied,,, here is a little advice.

He is going to test you, stay strong and just take the lumps. He knows he would be a fool to lose what he has. Changing the environment has worked for me... but slowly. When this all shook out for me, I was in a tail spin till I decided that "if it is to be it is up to me". That is when I decided to get help for me.. and make the positive changes in my life. To get out of the bottle, to FB everyday something positive, to shave everyday, to work out every day, to be a person of my word. She still tests me, But I now think like I said in my post.. to do exactly that... to make sure that I have made real changes. One thing I have learned, It took a long time for us to get into this mess and it will take work and time to get out of it. There is nothing that I have read that says it cant be done.... You were once in love and can be again. Good luck Sister and don't quit quitting till those papers are signed.

[mustardseed]

Thanks Ile guy. I need all the support I can get right now. I'm trying to stay strong but I am not used to being firm with boundaries. I'm working on it.

He called me a spiteful bitch today. And I have to admit, it stings. I am going over the conversation again wondering if I was being spiteful or if I was just setting healthy boundaries that he is not used to.

Any feedback would be appreciated. Here is what happened.

We are all on vacation for two weeks with no real plans. Friday night I took the kids out to my parents and we stayed there until yesterday morning. I admit I was having some vulnerable jealous moments wondering where he was and what he was doing, but I did my best to not obsess or to let on. At one point I asked him to send me a picture of the kids christmas lists since I was shopping, but he didn't which made me think he must not be home which got me reeling.

When we came home yesterday he wasn't home--but the dog was here so I am assuming he slept at home. IDK. Anyway, I was obsessing and I looked in the mirror and realized I looked like a truck ran me over. Time for a change in mindset. So I took a long hot shower and did my hair and make up and made a decision to focus on ME! I felt like a looked 100 times better and told him I was going out. I went out to an alanon meeting and then drove around for about an hour before coming home. He knows I go to a Monday meeting, but I haven't gone in a few weeks and because we are on vacation the reality of it being Monday must not have resonated with him (I'm mind reading I know). And I think part of me wanted him to wonder where I was and what I was doing.

Tonight I have choir practice and tomorrow I am singing in church, then taking the kids to my sister's for Christmas Eve celebrations. Well, I just went downstairs to ask him for the money he owes me for the bills (he gave me part of it). Then he said he is taking the kids to the movies then going out. It pissed me off. He had 3 nights all to himself and after spending one night home with the kids he thinks he is entitled to another night out? So I told him he can't. I have choir and then I am going to go stay at my parents and I will come pick them up tomorrow to go to church and my sister's. And then I added that if he has plans New Years Eve he can take the kids out to my parents. I probably didn't need to add that part. I feel like we are kind of in a power struggle right now. One that he is used to winning.

He called me a spiteful bitch. I told him that I think it is odd how he has been avoiding spending any holiday with the kids and after not being around them for 3 nights it is his turn. He told me I can't tell him what to do. And I said, "true we don't owe each other any explanation about what we are doing, but we do owe it to the kids to know they still have both of us." He agreed. Then I said that after Christmas we need to figure out how we are going to divide our stuff because I don't think we should be living together anymore.

The kids came downstairs so we stopped. He just took them to the movies. I am cleaning my room and packing to go to my mothers (without my kids :().

I called the lawyer and have an appointment Monday morning.

So was my interaction over the line or was it boundary setting?

[mustardseed]

I forgot to add that during the conversation I did throw in some low blow passing comments about his "really good friend". I know this was a mistake because if there really is nothing going on between them he is going to use it as ammo that I am just jealous and crazy making up [censored]. Then I added, "I don't even care if that is who your plans were with because she is a huge step down for you and she can have you." Just to let him know I don't care, which I'm sure just proved to him that I do. IDK I should have kept her out of it. But I couldn't help myself. I'll try to do better next time.

EDIT TO ADD: Also I really don't want to go out to my mom's without the kids. I feel bad leaving them. But I don't want to be home and I think he needs to spend time with them. Not just Uncle/daddy time going to the movies, but actual parenting and tending to their needs time. Is it a mistake for me to leave them for the night? They are going to ask me all sorts of questions and I don't know how to answer? Now that they know we are considering D I guess maybe it is okay for me to say, "I wanted you to have some time with Dad without me around." Is that ok?