Really too late....

[lost18]

Thanks Mahhhty, this is is a difficult situation we are in. I haven't read you're story so I'll have to take the time to do that. I always appreciate when people take the time to give me some encouragement.

I have decided that right now I need to focus on keeping my emotions in check. Not quite sure why such a struggle the past couple of weeks. I wasn't feeling great this week either which didn't help. I also feel like maybe he has pulled back some and since I am obviously not detached I have become more emotional. I am definitely getting upset about things that aren't in my control.

I was talking with my sister today about dating and such (not even close to ready) but just the dating dynamic seems so off kilter. Maybe I'm being cynical or stereotypical but it seems like men always want the young(er), hot bodied woman (even though they are not young or hot bodied). I feel like there isn't much out there for me, the men I find attractive that are age appropriate (I feel) aren't going to find me attractive. It just makes me sad that I may be out there again some day.

I was reading a post that somebody wrote about there WAH being the best choice out there in the dating world, I feel similar. Pretty sad I feel that way since he is treating me like chit. Take away the big stuff, lying and cheating, even the little stuff.. I deserve more. Yesterday he came home with lunch for himself, do you think he even thought about getting something for me? I asked him what he got me (knowing full well it was nothing), when he said "nothing" I laughed and said I know, I was kidding. Granted considering our situation that doesn't seem like a big deal, but he's always been like that. I've been asking myself this question a lot lately, but is this really what I want the rest of my life?

Enough pity party for now. I started pulling way back again, just have to make it stick this time. Spending time in my room reading when he's home, not asking him if he needs anything. Yesterday he came home from physical therapy and was making phone calls, didn't ask what was going on or how he feld. He did tell me this morning that he was able to pick an orthopedic surgeon. Went to the grocery store didn't ask if he wanted anything, stayed out of the garage when he was out there tonight (very hard, I have a tendency to want to check what he's doing).

Big one for me, he left his laptop logged on when he left the house today, I went out there looked at it and made the decision not to snoop. This was the only opportunity I've had and I didn't do it! YAY ME!

[mahhhty]

lost18...
When my W was still here and it was early on, I had a few opportunities to snoop. In the beginning I tried (unsuccessfully... serves me right). However, towards the end (after I got some maturity and education) I viewed that it was beneath me and never tried again. I know that it is an empowering feeling, and confirmation you are on the right path.

As for the dating piece. I would define your goals and work towards them. Don't clutter the situation if you are focused on getting him back. However, if you are thinking about dating, I do think your answer is stereotypical. The entire world is out there and it is available to you, whenever you are ready for it. The possibilities are endless.

You also mentioned reading at night. It is good to distance yourself from him. Is there any opportunities to step that up to show you are moving on... Movies? Go out with friends? Some sort of class? Gym? Yoga?

[lost18]

I am not thinking about dating at the moment, not even close to ready. Just one more reason I don't want to be in the situation I'm in. I will cross that bridge when and if I get there.

I am having a very hard time detaching though, after almost 10 months you'd think it be easier. Yesterday we were getting ready to leave for D13's tournament, kind of standing around "waiting" to leave. He said if you don't want to go don't, you can go tomorrow and I'll stay home. I told him I thought I was going to stay home tomorrow (today) morning. He said oh, then I'll stay home now. Instead of being detached and saying ok, first thing out of my mouth was "you already told her you were going." He said, "she'll be alright" to which I replied "whatever H" (not snotty). I'm sure he could see on my face that I was disappointed. Grrr...he did end up going. Part of the reason I didn't want him staying was because I want him to have as little opportunity as possible to have "face" time with OW. I need to figure out a way to let go...detach, for my sanity. ughh!

As far as opportunities in the evening, I do run a couple times a week with a friend, D13 also has practice a couple of nights a week and I play softball on Fridays. Although my kids are more than old enough to be home, and with H here there is no issue anyway, but the evenings are the only time we have as a family. Dinner, homework and such. I feel like if I'm always off doing something I am losing time with my kids, even if they are in their rooms, at least I'm home if they need me and to tell them good night.

I am going to try to get more exercise in, 2 days a week is not enough so I will work on that. I feel like if I can just get through Christmas it will be easier to move forward.

[lost18]

H got home with D13 today and I was mopping floors :), both were very tired as they were up about 5-530am after not going to bed until after 11. H had actually taken her to eat with the team after the game. Big 180 for him since he really isn't very social, especially with people he doesn't know. I def. missed an opportunity to praise him there, didn't even think about it until just now. Oh well.

Last night after game delays and such and about a 45-60 minute drive home D13 asked to get some food, H said no. I said you could just swing thru the drive-thru but he didn't. I felt kind of bad for her because it was a long day and I know she was hungry but didn't want to make a big deal about it. I really don't understand him sometimes.

Anyway, they were both tired and he went to take a nap and D13 went in her room to watch a movie. After I finished mopping I texted a friend to see if she wanted to meet. Ended up going and having a few drinks (in the middle of the day!) D13 always tries to find out where I'm going, I just told her out and about. Of course put make-up and perfume on so I looked good. After a few drinks I was in a good mood when I got home, both were outside and D13 asked me to play basketball so I did.

At one point I said something to her and we both started laughing really hard and couldn't stop! It felt good. Hung out in the garage with H (and D off and on) talking and gossiping. He at one point told D13 he was going to Germany, she was very upset and went in the house, even after he said he was kidding. When he said he was done outside and went in the house, D13 and I stayed out there (normally I would go in when he does) and she was doing "Broadway routines." Very entertaining, especially since she is a tomboy and would never actually dance or cheer.

Glad I went out with my friend, I definitely need to do that more often. My PMA is up and I was able to have a few laughs with H and D13. Then the girls finished decorating the tree. All and all a good day, need to keep my positive mojo going.

[mahhhty]

Good for you! That sounds like a fun day. You can hear/read the happiness in your voice.

I read something last night about GAL from another post... "Act as if by showing that you will be happy regardless of his/her choices. You show strength by finding some new friends/activities aside form spouse. Actions speak louder than words."

Thats what you did. Keep it up!

[lost18]

I read something last night about GAL from another post... "Act as if by showing that you will be happy regardless of his/her choices. You show strength by finding some new friends/activities aside form spouse. Actions speak louder than words."

In reading success stories it seems GAL is a huge part of their success. Sometimes I'm not sure that I'm so much GAL as much as pretending to GAL! Today I had a DR appt early so got up and went. Stopped home after for a bit, made my bed, took my vitamins and left again to get my hair done. H was not home. I was gone most of the day, got home when D16 did.

My PMA is still pretty good, but am still struggling with detaching. I was reading in my room and he came in and asked about taking D13 to practice, he had already asked me shortly before so I thought that was weird. He was in the garage later and I went out there to ask him something and his phone was out of his pocket, face down. Of course that got my mind twisted so popped back out a few minutes later and he slipped it into his pocket. I wish I knew how to stop!

Later I heard him start up his Harley and take it for a short ride, I commented as I was leaving (he was shining it lol) that I was jealous that he went for a ride and I haven't gotten a ride yet (is that pursuing?). Anyway, he said in his gruff personality "I'll give you a f'n ride." Took D13 to practice and that was it, he was in bed when we got home at 830. D16 said they watched Elf together. I know I shouldn't care.

Going to try to keep my PMA going! S19 will be home this weekend. Not quite sure what to do with the sleeping arrangement. Any suggestions on how or even if I should address this with H?

[mahhhty]

[quote] Anyway, he said in his gruff personality "I'll give you a f'n ride."

I had to re-read this a couple times. Was this playful or condescending?

[quote] Going to try to keep my PMA going! S19 will be home this weekend. Not quite sure what to do with the sleeping arrangement. Any suggestions on how or even if I should address this with H?

I'm not sure how you should do it, but I would think you should follow your 180s. What would you normally do? and do the opposite?

[lost18]

That's a good question! Hard to tell with him, honestly probably a little of both.

I am not sure what a 180 would be in this situation, can't figure it out. Since S19 will be home in a few hours I guess it'll work itself out.

Not much new to report, still having the same ups and downs.

Had a IC appt this week, she keeps wanting me to look for times when he is fishing and act on it. Hard to explain in writing, I guess it would probably bee seen as pursuing. Not ready for that, still afraid of being rejected although I've been rejected for over a year now. When I started seeing my IC my goal was to save my marriage and work on myself, not sure if that's what I want anymore. Obviously I will continue to work on myself, but I'm getting frustrated and angry with H. I know I don't want the marriage we had, I'm working on me, however, I just don't know if he has it in him to look at himself at all, much less make any changes. He's extremely selfish, condescending, crude, and controlling. I've always known these things, I think his negative traits are just standing out more for me now that I'm changing.

For now, I'm going to keep my PMA and 180's when I can. Continue with the GAL activities I have and hopefully do more. I will reassess after Christmas.

[mahhhty]

Christmas is getting closer. How are you doing?

[lost18]

Hi Mahhty, I'm doing ok, thanks for asking. Haven't been on much as I've been busy and my computer was down for a few days. Don't have time for much of an update, not much has changed. He is all over the place and unfortunately I tend to follow in his moods.

Have not done very well DBing. I'm just so tired of the (what I feel is constant) criticism and being told what to do and condescending attitude. I haven't been handling them well...we were at a party tonight and just looked right at him and told him to stop telling me what to do. It wasn't ugly and there was nobody else around but geez, I'm not 10. Last night he criticized my driving (after having a nice time out) and I started out defensive and then just told him to let it go.

Tomorrow we are going to a football game, me, H, all 3 kids, his sister and family, his brother and nephew. Should be fun!

I'm going to keep doing the best I can, keep my positive attitude, be fun, keep my changes with the house, not stress about Christmas and the fact that I've barely started shopping, continue to meeting my friend to run as much as we can and reevaluate after New Years.