my IC made me spell out exactly how their lives would be different and what was going to be so terrible. And most of what I spelled out was really petty and easily overcome.
This is a great practice.
Once we allow ourselves to face the fear we find that it's not nearly as devastating as we allowed our mind to make it.
Look it right in the eye, Claire.
I loved reading the original Winnie the Pooh books with my kids. A favorite quote: You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
Last edited by labug; 12/19/1404:19 PM.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Had a great day GAL with friends celebrating a friend's birthday.. but D was sick today, and on top of that, I was over an hour late to pick her up from H's house (long story)... AND tomorrow is her birthday.
On the long car ride to H's house, I started thinking about her. This time 4 years ago I was already counting minutes between contractions.
She was not even 3 when H left. That is such a short amount of time.
I have such a flood of emotion. Remembering the night she was born. It was a tough night-- I was in so much pain, stuck in the triage room for most of my active labor because there were no rooms available. And, there was no anesthesiologist available. And, because it was so late at night, my parents were not allowed to stay in the maternity ward waiting room-- they were far away in the emergency room waiting area. My dad kept pestering the nurses, to the point where they asked my H to step in.
My H was trying to shield me from that, and also so unsure of how to help me. All I wanted was for him to be calm and reassuring... and he was too anxious and stressed to do that. In some ways that was the beginning of the end for me. He snapped at me, he got defensive. I was in labor and in excruciating pain and was getting snapped at by my H. I remember feeling like, "I can't believe this is how this is happening". It was such a stressful time.
There was so much more, in just a few short weeks: We closed on our house the very same day that D was born (H left us in the hospital most of that first day to sleep and then go to the closing by himself). Then, one of the biggest blizzards in NYC history hit. Then, we moved 2 weeks after D was born. Then, more storms that left me trapped at home.
Oh, and H was just 6 weeks into a new job at a high profile company with super high expectations. So, on top of everything else at home, he was trying to establish himself at work.
And, I was a mess--physically, emotionally, mentally.
As my IC said, the deck was so stacked against us.
Today triggers a lot of those memories and feelings. I think it's reasonable to feel a bit sad tonight.
Honor your experience and its impact on you. Not allowing your support system to be with you is hideous and inhumane. Birth is a time when we are at our most vulnerable and things that happen around that time can affect is in lasting ways. We try to put a brave face on and say it doesn't matter, but it does. Hugs to you. You're a survivor.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Great way to counter the negative thinking, Claire! I have a lot to learn from you! The birth of my first child was rather unpleasant as well. My H also started a new job a week before he was born and it was all he was focused on. As we were walking into the delivery room, he took a call on his cell from one of his new co-workers and ended the call with, "OK, I gotta go take care of something." I remember the nurse looking at me like my husband was crazy and she even said "Who is he talking to?" Rather inappropriate for the nurse to add her own "commentary" like that. But my H was not focused on the situation at hand. To make matters worse, my OB had me convinced I'd gone too far past my due date and insisted on an induction. So I had 14 hours of pitocin-induced labor, an epidural that wore off three times and then finally, a c-section, all of which probably would have been unnecessary if we had waited for the baby to come on his own. Meanwhile H was glued to his laptop constantly even though his new job told him not to worry about work and to just focus on me. If he had stayed at his old job, which I wish he had b/c I'm pretty sure his new job is where he met OW or at least the idea than an OW could be better (this has not officially been confirmed but there definitely was an emotional affair). He had enough seniority at his old job that he was going to be given four to six weeks off just to be home with us. We were both looking forward to that time together, but he also wanted to change companies, so when an opportunity came up, he took it without getting a raise and ending up with a lot more work and stress for both of us at such a critical time.
A friend of mine on the other hand has a great and very attentive H who she said was extremely irritable and rude during the birth of their second child. So I guess it's a stressful time for everyone.
Me: 38 H: 43 Kids: 2,4 T10 M6 BD: 1/14 11/14: H moves out
I just want to jump in on this to give a H viewpoint. Please please please don't think I'm comparing the H and W parts of child birth though just want to explain it from my perspective.
For both my kids my W labour was over 40 he's. I was there the whole time. For me the whole experience was massively emotional and I had a couple of short naps in an uncomfortable chair while the painkillers were at their best.
Now through this I also had a bunch of fears to contend with, what if something happens to my wife, what if the baby isn't OK, what if Im made to choose.
At the same time a woman in labour can be a fairly fraught roommate so I got some serious grump directed at me. All perfectly understandable and fine but makes the experience a but stressful for us guys to - and we react in different ways to stress.
When my second was safely born and everyone was ok , I nearly feinted at the sense of relief - I had to get some fresh air. I was gone 3 minutes. My wife has since said that at this point she felt like I'd abandoned her.
I suppose what I'm saying is that the whole situation is stressful on us guys too and we don't always do a great job of dealing with that but it doesn't me we don't care or that we aren't incredibly proud.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Jim-- at the moment, and for a while after I couldn't understand. But I get it--i really do.
Apparently my father was becoming really belligerent with the nurses who were not allowing any of our parents to stay in the maternity ward. My H was embarrassed and was trying to manage that situation-- by this point it was probably midnight. It was a long day for everyone.
And... after D was born,, H stayed with me for a couple of hours (till 6 am...then went home to get some rest before closing on our home later that afternoon all by himself. Then, he came back to the hospital 12 hours after he left. We looked at each other and said, "it's still today! How can that be?!" It was really crazy. What a stressful time for everyone.
I wish he had been able to say something like, "I know I was a little short with you--this was a super stressful day, and I am so so so proud of you! You did amazing under tough circumstances." Some words of affirmation would have erased everything I think. But I don't remember those. Does that mean he never said it? Who knows. I remember other things he said and did (or didn't say and didn't do).
We never really talked about it.
Doesn't look like we ever will. I'm accepting that, but this day still brings up strong emotions.
The words of affirmation came up from my wife too but only recently. She said 'you never told me you were proud of me'
I couldn't believe this when she said it, I couldn't understand how she could have doubted it. I can't remember exactly what I said but there was certainly a lot of affirmation.
I was so happy to have a beautiful little boy with this amazing woman. I was happy, grateful, relieved, shattered and starting to think of what comes next, and I'll be honest a little bit grimmed out (theres a lot of fluid involved) all at the same time.
At the same time childbirth took so much out of her I think a herd if unicorns could have sacheted through the hospital and I'm not convinced she would have noticed.
I was and still am so very proud and it saddens me to think she doubted it. I'd be willing to bet that'd be true of most husbands.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I know I'm guilty of it to but its amazing how often I read on these boards about long held resentments over things which fundamentally seem to be a basic misunderstanding or miscommunication.
This conversation just reminded me of that
I clearly don't know your H other than what you've written about him but I will say something on his behalf in relation to his feelings that day because I'm 99.9% certain its true.
'Claire, the day D3 was born was one of the happiest and at the same time most stressful days I've experienced. There was so much going on that I wasn't able to focus on you in the way I wanted to, but please don't doubt how incredibly proud I was of you and grateful I was for the beautiful daughter you gave me. You were amazing. Thank you'
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
