My waking nightmare

[Wonka]

Lorelai,

Sounds like good goals. You would want to break them down in measurable steps.

For example, you want to be able to walk 5 miles. Start with walking around in your neighborhood for a week or two, then increase the distance. As for food, you can buy healthier foods and eat appropriate sized portions.

Generally speaking, when doing goal-setting, one would need to break down in sub-goals or action steps. It works for me and it might work for you as well. Whatever works best for you.

You got this!

[Lorelai]

Thanks Wonka.
I just finished prepping everything for a brunch I'm hosting tomorrow for some longtime friends. We all have kids around the same age. As I was getting everything ready and making the house look nice, I felt a little sad about where things are at with me and H. Hosting parties was always my specialty when I was single. I was constantly throwing shin-digs at my apartment for no reason at all and I remember H thinking that was really cool. I remember him being at one of my parties after we had been dating about six months and I had encouraged him to invite one of his buddies. I was walking into the living room to bring out some appetizers/mingle with guests when I overheard him absolutely GUSHING about me to his friend. I must have turned beet red, but I also remember being really happy. He was going on and on to his friend about how cool I was and giving him a tour of my teeny tiny apartment and saying "see what a good decorator she is!."
Ugh. And now he doesn't want to be married to me anymore...

I'm still looking forward to brunch tomorrow. My friends are all super supportive and caring and I'm excited to try out my new frittata recipe. Focusing on the positive...

[Wonka]

Lorelai,

I'd love to try out your new frittata recipe! Hope your brunch is a smashing success!

Why not post a pix of the dish and a few select pictures of your friends on your FB page?

Keep going...you're doing great with GALing.

[Lorelai]

Thank you Wonka! The frittata turned out really well and the brunch was great! My friends didn't want to leave, which was just like old times except now we have kids so when they started to get cranky, it was time to call it a day. We made plans to get together for an overnight in the city for new years with the kids. So nice to have plans and my little ones adore my friends and their children so it should be a good time.

I didn't have to worry about FB. My fiends blew up my page with pictures and comments after they left. I had forgotten that I still had that hostessing gene! It was so much fun to put it to good use!

[Lorelai]

Wanted to share really quick some very minor developments. I called H last night after the kids were in bed. Please hold the 2x4s. I expressed to him openly and honestly that it's frustrating when S3 is having behavioral issues (we had a really tough night last night.) D1.5 is screaming and I'm the only adult in the house. He was very understanding and said he needed to be around more. I was at first approaching him more as a friend and a co-parent, the same as I would a close colleague whose help I needed on a difficult project. But of course, emotions always crop up, especially for me, and some R talk did come up in the conversation. I told H part of the reason some of this parenting (at least mostly) solo stuff is a little more challenging is because there is so much uncertainty in my life right now. He said that we would be able to resolve it more in the new year, to which I said "So are you dropping a divorce in my lap in January?" He said he wasn't going to make any snap decisions and that was pretty much all he said, other than expressing annoyance at the mind-reading I was doing.
H seemed interested in my idea of maybe having coffee or spending some time talking away from the kids, to maybe see if we could possibly start getting to know each other once again. He also seemed open to doing couples counseling the new year. I've already met with a marriage counselor shortly after BD who is very pro-marriage and well versed in DB and DR.
This morning H came to watch the kids while S3 was still at preschool and D1.5 was still sleeping. I was in the shower, and I came into the bedroom to get dressed and he was lying under the covers, which totally scared me when I saw a big lump! We both shared a laugh, something we haven't done in a long time, and I teased him for trying to frighten me. We used to joke around like that all the time. After D1.5 woke up, she played with some toys while I worked on my laptop in the kitchen on a deadline for work and he worked in the living room. It was a very peaceful morning. Normally I rush out the door when I see H, but today I decided to stay, partly because I had to get something done right away for work and also because it is my house too and I felt comfortable being at home this morning. After I got S3 off the bus, our neighbor, whose son also rides the bus, invited him over for a playdate, then d1.5 had lunch and took an early nap, so we had the house to ourselves.
Nothing happened, but I felt like it was OK to test the waters a little and at least approach H about some of the things we had talked about the night before. I know his LL is physical touch, and while it seems at moments he doesn't want me near him, I took a chance and instead of yelling across the room, "Hey H, can I talk to you..." I walked over, sat beside him and put my hand on his leg and gently said, the house is quiet, S3 is next door, might be a good time to talk a little." H seemed more responsive than usual. I said while I'm open and willing to accept whatever outcome, I think it would be better to invest our money and resources in working on our relationship, letting go of the old marriage and focusing on a new start rather than going straight for the D option. He said it would be challenging and I said so would D. He said that's true. I also talked about the possibility of renovating our garage, which we're using for storage, into an extra room since our house is really small and it would give H some extra space, a place to work (he doesn't have a designated office space and that has created a lot of tension in the house) and a place to just chill out. He said he doesn't want to invest any more money into this house. (Heart sink right there! ) But I stayed calm. "OK," I said, "It's just something to think about." He agreed, and even said we would have to see how much it would cost. We talked very briefly about the marriage and H said he never intended for things to end up the way they did. I assured him I didn't either and that he would be surprised at how different things would be should we ever reconcile. (I know I need to "show" changes, not "tell" them.)
He also said it seemed like we were having a pretty good day as a family today with us both working at home. Meaning—no arguing, no tension. The day actually flowed really well and was peaceful. I definitely noticed so I'm glad H did too.
So he's thinking... This is good... But I'm still not going to Christmas Eve dinner with him and the kids... This is not good.
I am not as detached as I'd like to be, but there's days when I'm stronger and more detached and days like today and last night when I decide to do a quick temp check. I'm not totally dissatisfied with the reading, but I know we still have a long way to go and I have to keep my expectations low, way low, almost non-existent... Time to call a DB coach probably... I know I broke a lot of rules today.

[Lorelai]

Feeling a little frustrated with my situation tonight. Called H today to talk about S3's preschool "report card" I received today that mentioned some behavioral issues and some concerns. My MIL was coming to pick him up to take him to a holiday movie, and I showed it to her. She said it could be related to the S and that she has been wanting to talk to H, but every time she brings it up to him he walks away from her (he moved from a friend's house in with her recently).

H never called me back. In fact, today was his day with the kids but he said since his mom was coming to do the movie with S3 he'd wait and just come on Saturday, which I said was fine, but we do have two kids and it's not like an almost 2-year-old is no work at all. I had a deadline today that I missed because D1.5 wouldn't nap, then when she finally went down I ended up falling asleep myself.

My MIL brought S3 back late just as D1.5 was about to go to bed for the night. I asked her if it was OK if I ran out really quick to grab some gift cards for S3's teachers and OK, this might put me on Santa's naughty list, but I also did some really fast grocery shopping while I was picking up the gift cards. Unless I take the kids with me, between work and childcare/school schedules/naps/activities/etc. I have no time to get shopping done. I used to go out after the kids were in bed when H was here but it's funny when you first have that moment when the kids are in bed and you realize you're the only adult living in the house and um, yeah, you can't go anywhere, not even to the store really fast! So yeah, I took advantage of the gift card excursion to get an extra errand done.

Of course, I paid for my trip in the form of S3 still being up waiting for me and D1.5 waking up and not being able to get back to sleep. Everyone's in bed now and I just polished off a brie and cranberry sandwich and a chocolate pudding parfait I got at the store and a glass of wine. Yay me.

Need to work on my goals, not necessarily relationship goals, that is so not happening right now! But my own personal goals. So much fear is holding me back, fears like:

If I get a full-time job in the new year will H move forward with the D b/c he'll see that I'm financially stable, have my own health insurance, etc. Is he just waiting for me to get on my feet?

More to post... off to bed though...

[Calibri]

Would you want a full time job if you weren't in your sitch?

We have no idea what are WAS are thinking, unless they tell us. And even then, you have to take it with a grain of salt.

What do you want? What do you need?

[Lorelai]

Tonight my WAH said he might as well just kill himself because he'll never be fully "free" and he does not think I will make a divorce easy. He'll always have to talk to me and deal with me and even if he gets into a new relationship I'll always be there, wanting to talk about things. Good times.

How did we get here? Doesn't matter anymore. I seriously need to find a full-time job and extricate myself financially from a guy who walks out on his wife and yeah, IMO, his family, and doesn't get why I'm "upset." Sorry folks. Not doing well at all tonight.

[Lorelai]

Whoa--did I have a rough night last night. My goodness!!!!! Told my sister what H said about never being fully "free" from me. And she was like, Umm, so what brought all this on. I told her I initiated a R talk and became very agitated during the conversation and angry and she was like "yeah, don't do that anymore!" AKA—STOP going down the cheeseless tunnels!

I had a very nice conversation with my MIL this morning in which I apologized for being rude with her on the phone yesterday. I have this impression that my in-laws don't care and that they just want to move on and have everything tied in a neat little bow, but that is very destructive mind-reading on my part. Yesterday my MIL invited me and the kids over for Christmas Day without H. She said, "Just tell him he has to stay at the house" while you come. I was not in the best of moods when she said that and I told her we'd already been invited to a friend's house later in the day so we couldn't make it, then she was like OK, but I would like to see you and the kids alone during the holidays. I was so mean, guys, not my best moment. I told her it probably wouldn't be possible because we had a lot going on and that frankly I was hurt that I wasn't being included in the main Christmas Eve celebration with everyone else.

This morning I called MIL and apologized and told her we would be happy to come Christmas Day. This is not her fault. She's trying to have a relationship with me while her son goes through whatever it is he's going through. And yes, her loyalties are going to be with her son, that's her child! I'm trying to imagine a scenario where an adult S3 or D1.5 shows up at my door (and I hope I'm able to teach them the right relationship/communication skills so that this doesn't happen!) as a WAS. Do I turn them away? Do I tell them to get their butts home and work on their marriage? Or do I take them in my arms and hug them and give them my support and maybe only share my opinion when I feel the time is right, but for the most part just let them know they're loved no matter what. It's the latter!

And that's what I need to remember when I get SO MAD at my in-laws. This is not their fault. It's the result of two people who came together without the right skills for a healthy relationship.

[Lorelai]

Just talked to H on the phone about a kid tablet I ordered for S3. Most of the stores in our area are out, but there's one near his mom's house that has the one S3 wants so I ordered and paid for it for store pickup and I called H to let him know. He called back and was rather short. (In his defense his phone sounded like he was underwater, so maybe he was annoyed at the connection). For some reason I found myself defending how much I paid for the tablet, even though he never questions what I pay for things. Then I said, "I know I probably spent more than usual on the kids this year but it's Christmas, and..." He cut me off and just was like "OK bye."

I know, I know, I know my marriage is dead. The only hope we have would be in a new relationship with each other. But I still MISS the guy who even if he had a bad connection on his cell, would immediately text me or find an area where he could call me to apologize for being so short. I mean, he used to pick up every time I felt bad or hurt and would immediately try to fix it. Guess I took advantage of that caring/empathetic attitude he had toward me by ALWAYS wanting him to fix it. And now he has no empathy for me. I am garbage. An inconvenience. A regret. But that's not true. I AM none of those things and if he wants to act that way toward the mother of his children, that's a serious flaw in him, not me. This is NOT the H I married. I keep thinking he's still there, but he's so not.
Geez, I just wanted help picking up a tablet rather than having to go into a toy store at Christmastime with two little kids in tow...