My wife wants a divorce, I don't. PLEASE help!!

[Mozza]

A little piece of advice for Christmas: use silence. Sometimes, you'll have the urge to say something which you know is wrong, then be silent. Sometimes you'll say something just to fill a void: be silent.

Silence is almost magical: people assume you think the cleverest things, that you understand them, that you're on top of the situation, etc. Your heart will be screaming in your head, but if your really love your W and want your M back, know that silence is your ticket to spare you much trouble and setbacks.

Oh and avoid alcohol: your prefrontal cortex will be out of commission and it's the center of self-control. Avoid it completely if you can, even if it's a bit awkward or your W makes you feel bad about it. It could get much more awkward if you drink.

[love14]

Thanks, definatly won't be drinking, I'm horrible when drunk and right now I'll just start sobbing begging her to take me back, I'm not having that!

Sandi thanks, I won't do things like I usually do when things ARE fine. I'm going to be nice, helpful, conversation will be good and not on the D topic, spend time with the kids and just keep the pressure of.

[UpperCu]

Hey love,

Sorry to be a buzz kill, but I've got to say something. Acting really doesn't work. Sandi's rules are just a starting point for newcomers. Eventually you DO need to be okay with your W's decision and you DO need to understand you'll be okay with or without her.

You have to start somewhere, and acting as if you're okay and holding off on calling her now is important, but you need to actually begin to move on. Yes, it sounds counterintuitive, but it's just how attraction works. I think you get that because you are doing a great job despite the intense feeling of loss that you're dealing with now.

WAWs are clever. They pick up on "acting" and she will test your resolve sooner or later. It will take some time for her to see that you are serious about moving on with or without her. Could be weeks or months. For some it takes years. When she sees that the pressure is off her, that creates room for her to choose you. You can't control that choice, but you can create an environment that allows her to freely choose to be with you.

Grow a spine, quit groveling, and start being a strong, independent, and confident man your W would have to be crazy to leave.

[love14]

I agree with you, i will eventually have to be OK with her decision however, i cant even think of being OK with the thought of a divorce and losing her at this moment. I am trying my best by not contacting her with texts, email or phone. And i have not done any of that for about a week now. No begging either, i am going to act normal, as if im OK with everything and ready to move on with or without her, i will show her respect next time we meet and play alot with my kids. I am just hoping that at some point she will reconsider her decision and possibly consider a legal separation while she works on finding herself, and continues to see her therapist.

She kept asking me for time but i couldn't do it, i kept pestering her and did basically everything opposite of sandis rules. Obviously i now understand that i need to back off, but it is possibly too late because i pushed her in to filing for divorce....but again, im hoping she will reconsider if she can see a different side of me. I am doing the complete opposite of what i normally do, hopefully she will take notice because i wont bring anything up.

[UpperCu]

Take a deep breath. You're sprinting in a marathon race.

Remember that DB takes a L O N G T I M E

You're changing your course, which wasn't working, so that is good. Continue to build on your progress one day at a time. When you fall down, dust yourself off and get back up. Don't give up, despite how dark it looks now. If you choose to keep trying, you have a lot more energy and resolve than you realize. The longer you go without chasing her, the easier it will get for you to do what you need to do.

Hang in there.

[UpperCu]

How are you doing love?

[love14]

I have seen her a couple times while I'm taking the kids. She's very nice to me, the anger is gone, not sure if it's because she's relieved that she filed for divorce or if it's because she has second thoughts. Could also be because I have totally stopped pursuing her, just speak with respect and somewhat of a curiosity (same as I was when we first met). I don't ask questions about the situation or anything of that nature. Although inside I'm burning up, I want to talk with her so bad, ask for a second chance, beg etc....basically everything your NOT supposed to do, I'm not doing it though. She invited me to the neighbors get together today, I'm going there for a couple hours to mingle with the neighbors and her, I'll be on my best behavior

[love14]

The gathering at the neighbors went well. She was very nice (as she always is in public). We spoke and with eachother, socialized with the company and things went smooth. When it was over We went home and I said bye to the kids and her, then left. All in all, it was a very nice day, my hopes aren't up, the journey is long, but I truly believe her filing was mostly out of anger and because of me being pushy. I do believe if I continue this course of totally staying back, acting as if I'm moving on with or without her, and that I'm fine that it could possibly turn around. Let's see how christmas Eve and Christmas day goes....I'll keep you guys posted.

[UpperCu]

Thanks for the update love. It sounds like you are holding strong.

Christmas is a few days away - what are your expectations for her on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day?

(I'll give you a hint - your answer SHOULD be "I have NO expectations" )

You're probably already thinking this too, but set your sights further down the road. You need to pace yourself and avoid the temptation to place pressure on her to change her mind, or to back down on D proceedings, just because it's Christmas. No begging, no pleading, no convincing her to reconsider. Accept that this is how she feels now and acknowledge and validate her feelings toward your M. Give her the gift of freedom for Christmas this year.

[UpperCu]

What's new love?