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Originally Posted By: mikechc
I feel like I am in this mess because I always do whatever she asks.


I do think that's part of it, and that learning how to enforce healthy boundaries is an imperative part of your strategy right now.

I just don't think the issue you described to us, with your son, was the hill you want to die on.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Still getting the silent treatment and only talks to me about logistical things. Did say goodbye this morning, but it was strained. Going to dinner and hockey game tonight with a friend.


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W has started being nice to me again. I don't think anything has changed with OM. GAL as much as I can. Christmas is busy. The more I think about my sich, I am really wondering if I should stay married. I read stories here and other places that even with all that has happened, reconciliation is possible. I just can't see her giving up her A, unless I call it quits and she sees what she would be losing. But I don't want to stay married because of that, as I know her heart would still not be with me. Some say give it a year. It has been 6 months already. I know we did not get here over night and it may take time, but it would be different if she would actually want to work on it. I feel like she will keep taking advantage of me as long as she can have her cake (OM) and eat it too.

Is there really hope?


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A has been sending me more friendly texts. I have been lovingly detaching & GALing, per my DB coach. I was away on business for two days. When I called to check on the boys, she said she was excited for me to come home. W came up to me to give me a hug, welcoming me home. W put her arm around me in the middle of the night, and she hasn't done that in a long time. She again came up to me this morning and gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek good bye.

I have been reciprocating, to reward the positive behavior, but am cautious as I believe OM is still in the picture. I am not going to just run back to her. Any words of wisdom navigating through this?


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Yes. Find out if OM is still in the picture. Protect yourself.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

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I really don't think she has stopped. I think she sees me GAL and wants to have her cake and eat it too. She has never shown remorse for what she has been doing. This morning she said she wanted to go on a date to a movie she had free passes for, after she passed her nursing test. She said she needed something to look forward to.

I like the interest and W leaning back into me, but with OM still in the picture, I question how I should respond. I need to reread some of the DB book and buy DR. Any thoughts anyone has, input is always welcome.


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Has anything prompted remorse? Unfortunately, WAW's in an A won't feel remorse as long as they get the benefits of the M without the responsibility & commitment from them. If you have made a pattern of doing everything she wants, you basically have a spoiled bratt for a W. Part of that is on you b/c you wouldn't stand nose to nose and tell her NO. So, just like when you have spoiled, bratty kids, you immediately pull the spoil plug......unless you prefer to continue living with it.

I will warn you, it takes nerve and consistency, b/c she will not give up quitely or easily. I have seen some men rather give up the M than deal with their selfish, hateful, W. She is just a woman. If she can hurt you and take your power by giving you the silent treatment.......guess what she'll do? My gosh, women have done that since the beginning of time. Apparently, it still works. Just like she can flip you when she is suddenly "nice". smirk. Please! "Is there hope?". Are you asking b/c she was a little nicer to you?

If she refuses to leave, and she has sold you a bunch of BS on saving her money........she is snickering all the way to the salons. What would you do if she wasn't M to you? What if this was boarder staying in your house?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thank you Starsky and Sandi. Sandi, I have slowly been picking times to say no. Unfortunately not always picking the right times or topics. I will not continue to put up with her A, long term. As you indicated, I own a big part of the mess I'm in. It is just hard to decide how long to stay, as she has refused to leave. Then there is the financial issue of paying for another place to live. I think I would have to file for D and split the assets to afford it.

I guess I still hold onto hope that my M can be saved. Just not sure anything would get her to change her ways besides dropping the D bomb and actually leaving. But then everyone says to try and stay living together so she she's you GALing, etc. confusing to me...


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Paying for two separate places is not going to help finances.

I suggest you apply the LRT, and not let up until she is ready to work on the M or leaves.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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W has been warming up to me through the holidays. More hugs, kisses, sat on my lap, all initiated by W. Still seeing OM as far as I can tell, how do I know when this is real or if she is doing this to string me along?


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