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Thank you suckerpunch you are right, I am just going through the motions. No matter what I do or where I am H is always on my mind. How dare he fall in love with someone else.

And thank you LisaB, Danemom, DFE and everyone else for sharing your experiences and for being so kind. It really helps.

The L told me it's often the case after the separation papers are drawn up and the finances split that nobody actually files for divorce for many years. I certainly won't be the one to file. I do have visions of him wanting to marry this woman which just tears me apart.

I do need to GAL - and honestly I am busy and getting on with things. I am positive and upbeat around him and have not once mentioned the OW or asked any question about his future plans.

Thanks again everyone, I do appreciate you all taking the time to help me when I know you are hurting too.


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One day at a time Stacey, that's what I tell myself. Sometimes it's one hour at a time.

Your feelings about GAL etc are a mirror to mine and suckerpunch's 2x4 can just as easily be meant for me as you. WAH is almost overly nice when interacting with me and I find myself conflicted with my 180s versus wanting to beat some sense into him mad

Prayers and thoughts are with you.

Last edited by DaneMom; 12/03/14 01:37 PM.

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stacey9 Offline OP
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Just looking if anyone can offer advice here. Letter from lawyer outlining H's assets and I don't believe he's being truthful. My L has now asked for more proof of his finances etc and he is furious. I feel I need to get everything I am entitled to, this is my future after all. He is angry that this is just slowing everything up. What can I do? He seems to hate me.

PMA not been good this week. I've been crying every day thinking about the holidays. Even shopping for presents is upsetting.

He is so settled with the OW and my heart is still breaking. This will be our first Christmas apart in around 27 years.


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Originally Posted By: stacey9
Letter from lawyer outlining H's assets and I don't believe he's being truthful. My L has now asked for more proof of his finances etc and he is furious. I feel I need to get everything I am entitled to, this is my future after all. He is angry that this is just slowing everything up. What can I do? He seems to hate me.


Stacey, sorry you are hurting right now. Holidays are tough.

Let your L handle it, that's his job. Don't get sucked into H's drama. If he wants to speed things up, he can just be truthful in the first place. If needed, you can hire a forensic accountant to investigate and make sure you are finding all the assets. If you think it's a lot he's hiding, it would be worth it.

I know a guy who cheats on his W regularly. He has detailed for me how much property he owns that his W has no idea about. It happens. Protect yourself.

Hang in there!



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Stacey,

this time of year really is a difficult. I can imagine how you must be feeling. This will be my third X-mas, after BD. The first year, was just after we split. It was so hard to bare. I cried every day, feeling that my life was a shambles and it would never be good again. I wanted so badly for W to come back. It was just awful, so emotional and heart wrenching! That was a couple years ago. Today, I am feeling ambivalent about wife and her holidays. I am however, feeling super excited about mine! I just scored front row seats to the Nutcracker for my daughter and I! It is going to be so much fun. So, let this be an example to you; You WILL get to a much better place. It is going to take time and healing. You will have some SERIOUS ups and downs, but you will be happy, when the time comes for you to be happy.

Are you GAL, like we discussed? I hope you aren't shooting yourself in the foot and delaying your progress. Get out there and start living. It might not be your happiest times, but you need to get your feet in motion. Meet new people. Do new things. Go new places. I am going to keep hammering on your until you do!

In regards to the divorce, you need to set your feelings and emotions aside. You didn't choose to set this in motion, so don't feel bad if H is upset about it. Of course he is. He wants it all, and in his mind he can justify the fairness. He is living in dream land, and reality will eventually smack him in the face. The financial part is just one of the consequences of divorce. He hasn't even began to experience the rest, that will inevitably come. Let your attorney do his work. Don't bend and allow your future to be affected, just because you feel bad about upsetting the man who left you for OW. Don't engage H about the divorce, at all. If he asks or complains, don't even respond. Your relationship is personal. Your divorce is business. That is my opinion.


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Suckerpunch thanks so much again for the great advice. I am GAL as best as I can, I go out with friends almost every weekend, but I have to admit I am still so nervous about bumping into H and OW (I have seen them together a few times).

During the last year we were together I did not show him any affection or attention, I think I was trying to punish him for not being so nice to me. Obviously it all backfired, his needs were not being met and he got involved with the OW. I'm just wondering though - should I send him a card for Christmas? Maybe with a little message or reminder of happier times gone by? Or would that be the worse thing I could do? I'm just wondering if doing something different would surprise him. Any advice you have on this would be gratefully appreciated, as always.

RPP, thanks too for your advice. I have never heard of a forensic accountant, that's certainly something to consider.

And well done Suckerpunch on the front row seats! Enjoy!


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Stacey, I'm a CPA, (although I'm not working public accounting at the moment), so I'm familiar with the field. One of the Ls I talked to a few months ago mentioned it as potentially being useful in my case. If you think your H is hiding assets, it totally could be worth it. Ask your L.

I vote no on the Christmas card. But that's just me. I sent cards with all five of our names on them, so what do I know?



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I don't think a Christmas card is the worst thing you could do, but you dont' sound very detached, so I expect you can't do it without expectations. Therefore, don't.

I actually was a forensic accountant before kids (though I never worked on divorce cases; I did corporate work) and if you think your H is hiding things then I definitely recommend it.

BTW, if you think your H is hiding assets, why on earth would you send him a Christmas card????

Hugs, lady. This is a tough time of year.


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I think I agree with the Christmas card input you've been given. BUT....I don't see it as pressure. If you can do it without expectation, and it was something that made YOU feel good, then by all means send him one.

I second the suggestion, that you need to work on your detachment. How much contact have you been having with H, lately?? Have you considered going dark?


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stacey9 Offline OP
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Thank you RPP and Maybell for your advice. Maybell - I think I'm still hoping the sweet, kind guy I've known since high school will come back, and Christmas time being so full of memories of our special traditions may trigger something in him. Not likely to happen I know.

Suckerpunch - I see H almost everyday for around 5 mins when he comes to see the kids. At the start of the S I made sure I was out of the house or in another room when he came round and I barely spoke to him. After a few months the strain was just too much, so I started being nicer to him and showing him a more positive me. The only time I have saw glimpses of his old self was in the summer after his vacation with the OW - he was so nice to me and was offering to do jobs for me round the house etc. Guilt? Maybe.

Because he has been the main earner during our marriage he sees the savings accrued over the years as his - to help him buy another house. He seems to think that by walking away from the family home and signing it all over to me is a fantastic gesture. Even though I still have to re-finance and I am left with all the bills and the household expenditure to try and manage on my salary(he earns 3 times more than me). On looking at the statements he has submitted to my L there does seem to be half of it unaccounted for, so I don't know where it is. My L has mentioned court proceedings, but do I really want to go down that road? I do need to protect myself and my kids.

Detachment is a real struggle for me. I don't think I will send the card, I think it would only bring disappointment.

Thanks so much for your advice - much appreciated.


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