Bright, He's not spoiling your time...you are allowing him to do it. If you want to go to the vacation place, go. You don't have to be specific with your plans as to when you are going. Is your son around to be at home during that time or is he away? Has he ever done anything while you've been gone to make you anxious about him coming to the house? Is he on the mortgage?
You can always change the locks or add just add new deadbolts. If you have an alarm system, you can change the code. If you have an automatic garage door open, leave it on, but unplug it at the motor end. He can't get in then.
I wouldn't allow him to ruin my holiday plans. I know you are anxious w/this news, but he may very well not even stop in. As for cleaning the condo, now that's very unusual for him. Me, personally, I would want to go there and see how he left it before I had it cleaned...but that's me and my mind working in overdrive.
Any way, you have a couple of days to decide what you want to do, but I don't think I would be specific in the dates that you are planning to go.
OMG! H is on Facebook now. I cannot believe it. The guy who said that he would never be on this site and ridiculed the people who were... They guy who said that he is working on getting rid of the computer and wants just a simple phone… The guy who said that he wants to live in Mexico away from all the civilization and have a simple life…
I am speechless… I don’t even know what to make out of it. Did he just changed his mind about something he was standing firm for so long? This news made so uncomfortable. I don’t know this guy anymore. Is he entering into another round of replay? Or is it a perpetual state now?
I have a few versions of mind reading, LOL: 1. He was soooo lonely, that he resorted to this to make himself feel alive. 2. He is trying it out to see if it makes him happy and distract from the reality. 3. He is trying to ensure his place at the vacation home (I’m sure his “friends” from there are now his friends on FB), because he is afraid that I’m becoming more popular and familiar over there. 4. He is using it as a dating site. 5. He completely lost his mind.
I’m not diminishing anybody who is on FB, but for my H to be there just doesn’t add up. I need to find reachingHigher threads, I think where she mentioned something about her H’s FB obsession. This is something new for me.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright, I'm not surprised that he's on FB. It's another part of experiencing something different and wanting to stay in touch w/others and yes, meet new people as well from all over the world. Whatever the reason, he's changed his mind about FB and is a member of the FB world.
Keep in mind, replay will take as long as it takes for him to get through it. As I have mentioned before, your h is a very slow one and as time goes on, you will see more changes taking place. The person you knew is no longer that person. He is growing, experimenting and trying to figure out who he wants to be when he grows up. Eventually, the behaviors will settle down, but it will take some time.
Nothing they say or do surprises me these days.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It is kind of funny and sad. I use FB because we have lived in many cities and I have lots of long distance friends. It is useful for me but I don't post what I am doing every day. Those folks are sad and we know who they are...
H may also just be trying out a new persona but it is probably a phase. hang in there.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Hi everyone, Let me tell you, MLC and FB seem to go hand in hand and why not. People only put the fun things that they do and the good stuff that happens on there. Kind of like a world of only happy, together people. If you believed FB posts, nobody on there is ever bored, unhappy, broke, old, sick...nope their lives are all fun and games. Kind of the goal of the MLCer, wouldn't you say?
Job, our post is so comforting, with all these reasons that make sense. I thought I was losing my mind. This is so surreal… On the other side, oh boy… If he is still in replay 2 ½ years after the BD, considering he started his crisis a couple of years before that… I don’t think I have that much patience to see it through…
Gwen, like I mentioned before, I don’t see anything wrong with being in FB. My friend from the vacation home place uses it to keep with his kids and relatives across the ocean. It might “another phase”, like you said. Thanks for cheering me up.
Matt, I think you are into something here… I think FB doesn’t give the true state of things. I know that people who have relatives who live far away, use the FB to keep in touch with. However, I also know that some things that get posted there are so not the reflection of reality. I actually find your comment about the fake reality and MLCer very interesting. I can totally see it this way. Well, it took my H this much time to figure it out... Just like job said, he in indeed a very slow MLCer. Lucky me, LOL.
Just wanted to update on some good news, not related to H.
Went to my department holiday get together on Tuesday. It was fun. A small group of people went to a different restaurant after the event was finished. And I think I got the most attentions from the VP of our department. Not that I’m interested or super thrilled, but it was nice…
Tonight I had my two lady neighbors over for food and drinks. We had a great time!
Just reporting on my GAL activity, if anybody is interested…
Had a few glasses of wine… Not going to edit this post…
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Matt is right about one thing, i.e., FB and MLC are the new of way meeting and keeping up w/people. It's true, people tend to post only the good stuff, somewhat bragging, per se, about their lives. In fact, some are not even telling the truth, very similar to the dating sites where people post pictures of others instead of themselves or they lie about themselves...until you meet them or you figure it out.
FB can be a great tool if it's used properly and many do use it for communicating w/family and friends, not surfing for the next conquest.
I'm very happy to read that you went to the holiday get together and had fun. The attention you received helped boost your ego a bit and I think it's nice that people are noticing you.
I'm sure you and your lady friends had a great time last evening. At least no one had to drive. LOL!
You are doing well. Keep up the good work and definitely go to your vacation home for the holidays. You need a nice break.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, I’m sure H is going to only post the fun stuff there. Even if he feels different inside.
Originally Posted By: job
Keep in mind, replay will take as long as it takes for him to get through it. As I have mentioned before, your h is a very slow one and as time goes on, you will see more changes taking place. The person you knew is no longer that person. He is growing, experimenting and trying to figure out who he wants to be when he grows up. Eventually, the behaviors will settle down, but it will take some time.
I think you are right, job. This might be exciting for him now, but knowing him, it will die down eventually. I’m just not sure I want to wait for that long. I’m exhausted.
I need to set up an appointment with a legal aid using my benefits and find out what I need to do separate and protect my finances. I think I want to do a legal separation to see how it works, because I’m not sure how we would divide the properties.
I was reading some info on separation and divorce in my state. It says “legal separation must be based on either incurable insanity or irreconcilable differences causing the irremediable breakdown of the marriage.” Hmm… Which one do I choose? The second choice doesn’t look right to me, because I think we don’t have irreconcilable differences. I would go with the first choice of “incurable insanity”, but I think H might disagree, LOL. I’m thinking to introduce an amendment to this law, including another option for LBS: “tired of being in limbo”.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I just read up on your sitch. I agree....I would include a third option too. :-)
My DH was always on FB but he is a very sneaky one. He won't post anything that has to do with his MLC like - the OW (if there is one - I think there is) nor does he leave any kind of technology trace. However, he's bold - you can read my thread. It's a doozy. (sp.?)
My DH is somewhere else in his mind and I don't know who he is. I'm exhausted emotionally and it shows in my health. He's lost.
Stay focused on yourself.
I kept reading and hearing this but really just kept focusing and obsessing on how to make my marriage work. How to bring him back from this MLC abyss. I've compromised my health in the process.
So now - save my health or save my marriage. I choose to save my health.
May God give you wisdom and discernment. Praying for all our marriages.
I’ve been spinning like crazy for the last few days. I have so much anxiety, it is not funny.
I think part of it is about receiving a Christmas card from H’s older brother, whose daughter got married back in September, where my son was not even invited. So, the card is her wedding picture with her parents (my BIL) and brother. And the message included (typed on a piece of paper): “Dear Family & Friends, With the passing of time, it’s always interesting to reflect upon the events of the year. We treasure the memories of time spent with loved once near and far, and we are thankful for each new day. Some are more memorable than others, but all are a gift. The highlights of our year include “son’s” graduation from XXX with a degree in XXX, the celebration of our 30th wedding anniversary in XXX (with “son”, “daughter” and “her H”) and “daughter’s marriage to wonderful man XXX. These joyous celebrations fill our hearts. Wishing you a blessed holiday season and a new year filled with love and laughter.”
Is this a f@@@ing joke? The card was addressed to me and my son. OMG. I just cannot believe how self-absorbed these people are. Who are we supposed to be? Friends? Or family? Why my son was not invited to the wedding then. Why send me this f@@@ing card? I’m just so mad… I’m also mad at H for putting me and my son through this.
H is supposedly driving this way. I suspect that he will spend the Christmas in the city he grew up, hooking up with his HS friends. I will collect his mail tomorrow and take it to his brother’s. I will text him to let him know and ask him if he needs anything else from the house. Will see if he will have an excuse to come to the house anyway. I don’t want him here. I don’t want to see him either. I hope he will get the message.
Vge1, thanks for stopping by. I will visit your thread when I have some time. Take care of yourself. There is nothing more important than your health. I keep reminding myself about it every day.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
