"Because I'm a tough gal to love. I have crazy family members, I could go crazy too, I'm a smart ass, tough, stubborn, opinionated woman who wants what she wants. Add on to the fact that I don't like to cook. I don't view myself as a catch. Sure, I'll talk myself up, but deep down, I don't see how anyone else could love me, if my H couldn't/can't."
Ok, I said this two days ago, and I'm going to call myself out. This is BS. I am a great catch. I'm a good looking, smart, fun, funny, adventurous, passionate, creative, dedicated woman. When I love, I love with everything that I have. I'm devoted and loyal. No. I don't cook. Yes, I'm a pain in the ass. Yes, I am flawed. But I am absolutely worth it. Absolutely.
[censored] that negative thinking.
Carry on, Friday.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Hi Calibri, this is like you say, a whole lot of similarities with us and our sits.
I started going to IC about a year ago for anger and got some of the best advice - all that anger is a bandage for a lot of hurt. As a little kid it's effective coping, the cognitive distance, withdrawal, all that fun stuff that makes us the strong women we are...but that sword has a double edge to it. I'm working on mine, learning (trying to) see that being soft and open is its own kind of strength. To trust and be vulnerable, not just when I'm hysterically crying.
I really appreciate you reaching out to me. Sorry about all of the grief you're going through.
It's funny to read my own post and imagine someone else wrote it - it seems so obvious, the meds, the people issues, the temper (though my H made great strides on controlling his over last several years when I told him how much it bothered me), the red flags are all over. And I know I would read this stuff normally like, "get the @#$% out of there, you deserve to be with someone healthy, you're not a savior." But I don't believe in throwing people away as long as they're willing to work.
The peace may be in reminding myself constantly that his decision to work is something I may be able to influence, (and I've always been the cheerleader for this relationship) but even if I could do and say all the perfect things, or not do and say any of them - for this to be a better relationship, he will have to make the decision to be here, all by himself and stand by it, otherwise we'll end up here again. I mean, getting back the same mess that's been sucking my soul out all year is not what I want.
If you find that Detaching for Dummies book, let me know.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Step right up folks as I share with you, a cautionary tale. In which Calibri, tries to embrace and show vulnerability, and instead looks like an insecure And nagging LBS and breaks AAAALLLLLL DB rules.
Yeah. So, I decided to be spontaneous and invite H out for dinner tonight. Even sweetened the deal by promising a quick dinner and no R talks. I send the text.
He responds back saying he's very busy at work doing some horrendous sounding task, and that he probably will have to work late and skip some Xmas holiday thing he was planning on going to, suggested us having lunch as an alternative later this weekend but he would let me know later but thanked me for the invite.
I text back saying I didn't realize he had other plans and that it sounded like a stressful day and no worries either way. Just let me know. He said will do.
And I don't hear back from him. Which, honestly? Annoys the [censored] out of me because, how hard is to respond to a text message? Add to the fact that yesterday H had promised me that he would stop dropping the ball and be better about responding to texts. So I sent a message saying I was starving, and had he had a chance to decide, because I was hungry.
He responded that he had just left work and decided to stop in at the holiday party after all, since it was just down the road. Told me to go ahead and eat, but he "appreciated the invite tho." I asked if it was a work party. No, it's for the new gym he goes to occasionally. Now, for the record, I'm not mad that he went to the party. I'm mad that he didn't let me know he was going to the party and not going to accept the offer for dinner. Ok, I'm a little mad at the fact that he's going to the party because this is the second time he's told me that he was busy with work and couldn't talk to me or, in this case, go to dinner, but later went and worked out or did something else. Just be honest and say you don't want to talk/see me.
This is where I should've said - ok, have fun at the party. Goodnight!
We know that didn't happen.
So. I decided (now to my horror) to express how I felt in a calm manner instead of bottling it up and blowing up later. So I said that I wish he had let me know earlier that he wasn't going to go to dinner, instead of dragging it out for hours and how my feelings were a bit hurt that he wouldn't accept a dinner invite with me because "it was a stressful late day at work", but went to the holiday party instead, and how this is the second time this has happened and I wish he could just have been honest with me from the get go.
*whack* that's the sound of me hitting myself with a 2x4.
He apologized saying that he should've let me know early, and that it came from a sincere place, but that he thought I had rescinded the offer by how I worded my text saying "no worries either way." I said, and "you responded back to that text with a will do." (OMG Calibri - STFU) There's a pause, and he apparently went back and read the text message and said," you're right, I did. I didn't look back earlier, I'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt you again."
This would be where I should've said, thank you, miscommunication happens, enjoy your party. But no. I want to show vulnerability. So I text back with, "it took a lot for me to work up the nerve to ask you to dinner tonight."
OMG. Please let the ground open up and swallow me whole.
He responds with, "I know and I threw it back in your face. That wasn't intended and the gesture isn't lost on me. I'd like to make it up to you, perhaps with lunch?"
And because I can't STFU. I said, "no, I don't feel that you threw it back in my face at all. It's just tough because I no longer am first priority in your life anymore and while I realize my invite was last minute and you had other plans it's just hurtful that you chose a holiday party with people you barely know vs dinner with your wife. I know that you're doing what you want and need to do with your life right now. I don't understand it all, but I do respect it. It just [censored], especially with your promise yesterday not to leave me hanging."
I mean, could I be any more unconfident, insecure, needy and lay on the guilt (which was not my intention, but I realize can be interpreted as such)? OMG.
He responds with, "I'm already beating myself up over that. As soon as I saw your message I went, '[censored], I did it again." Me: "I really am not trying to make you feel bad, I promise. I'm just trying to articulate how I feel in a calm manner instead of letting it fester and blow up in anger. Him: "I'm sorry be hurt you again, you took a gamble and I appreciate it. I'm sorry. Maybe we can have lunch tomorrow or something."
I thanked him for his apology and the convo ended shortly after. ----- I can't even with myself. While I realize the conversation could've been worse, I didn't paint myself in the best light. I probably missed a chance to validate him - like, "I'm sure the party will be fun, a great way to blow off steam after a stressful day." Or something like that. Which he would've side eyed but would've been better than my needy, feeling driven Drabble in which I've somehow guilt tripped my WAH into taking me to lunch as an apology for not wanting to accept a last minute invite to spend time with me.
I. Can't. Even.
---- On the plus side? The old H would've immediately driven home and done what I wanted. Good for him for doing what he wanted for a change.
--- Be gentle with me.
Last edited by Calibri; 12/20/1403:52 AM.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Not going to beat you up about it because you're giving yourself a hard enough time about it as is. Doing this by phone so bear with me...it's hard to quote on the phone
RE: "how hard is it to respond to a text"
We both struggle with this and I've seen it on your thread and mine several times. Again we have to both remember not to have any expectations the only expectation we should have is that they won't respond. You yourself told me that when you feel the convo is about to end or is stalling, just end it quick so you're not left waiting for an answer that may never come. Case in point tonight when you're H said "will do" and left it at that
RE: H promised he wouldn't drop the ball anymore
Again, have no expectations. Actions over words. My W always ends our phone calls with ok well I'll text you later tonight and rarely ever does. It always just gets my hopes up and reality soon comes banging on the door
RE: H went to party instead of dinner with me
H associates you with stress and confusion because he simply does not know what to do about you're situation or even himself right now. Going to the dinner with just acquaintances or coworkers is just a way to blowoff steam without having to possibly talk about R/M. In the future, you obviously won't let this happen again, but try and remember that if he does go to a party like this it my pick up his mood a little bit which in turn will make him happier and want to talk to you more. He's depressed, so the fact that he's going out is a good thing and he's no longer hiding in his hotel bat-cave.
Bottom line, you didn't screw it up too bad. It could have gone worse and there will always be setbacks in this process. Just don't have too many of them. If you do go to lunch with him don't bring up tonight's conversation and if he does brush it off gently. Just have fun at lunch and just be YOU! Just my thoughts.
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
We both struggle with this and I've seen it on your thread and mine several times. Again we have to both remember not to have any expectations the only expectation we should have is that they won't respond. You yourself told me that when you feel the convo is about to end or is stalling, just end it quick so you're not left waiting for an answer that may never come. Case in point tonight when you're H said "will do" and left it at that
i feel like I can give out semi-good advice but can't seem to follow it. I should've just let it go, or simply said later in the evening: "hey, got hungry couldn't wait, hope your day ended better."
Quote:
Again, have no expectations. Actions over words. My W always ends our phone calls with ok well I'll text you later tonight and rarely ever does. It always just gets my hopes up and reality soon comes banging on the door
Hope is a four letter word. Having no expectations is better.
Quote:
H associates you with stress and confusion because he simply does not know what to do about you're situation or even himself right now. Going to the dinner with just acquaintances or coworkers is just a way to blowoff steam without having to possibly talk about R/M. In the future, you obviously won't let this happen again, but try and remember that if he does go to a party like this it my pick up his mood a little bit which in turn will make him happier and want to talk to you more. He's depressed, so the fact that he's going out is a good thing and he's no longer hiding in his hotel bat-cave.
You know, the moment after I sent the text I immediately thought it was a bad idea. Because now he's pressured with going and possibly facing R talks, even though I promised none. Or saying no and looking like a dick and disappointing me. So, it was a lose/lose either way. I'm debating.....should I acknowledge that I put him in a lose lose situation and apologize or should I just stfu?
And, for the record? " Hotel bat cave" made be chuckle. I needed that.
Quote:
Bottom line, you didn't screw it up too bad. It could have gone worse and there will always be setbacks in this process. Just don't have too many of them. If you do go to lunch with him don't bring up tonight's conversation and if he does brush it off gently. Just have fun at lunch and just be YOU! Just my thoughts.
Duly noted. Thank god I'm leaving town next week for a few days and there won't be cell service. I'll be able to avoid more emotional Drabble that will be even more amplified by the holidays.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Last thoughts for the night but IMHO, just STFU about apologizing- and I mean that in the nicest way possible. I think it was a mistake to even say hey wanna grab dinner, I PROMISE NO R/M talks. Because he may not have even thought that you would have any R/M talks but now that you made it a point to say we won't have any..it just makes him realize the possibility of you guys having that talk
If he says something like "hey sorry for letting you down last night," maybe then you just smile (if you're at lunch) and say "hey no worries, I'm sorry for putting you in a bad spot, let's just enjoy lunch!" And leave it at that. But I don't think it would be smart to be the one to bring it up first
Have fun wherever you're going!
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
Step right up folks as I share with you, a cautionary tale. In which Calibri, tries to embrace and show vulnerability, and instead looks like an insecure And nagging LBS and breaks AAAALLLLLL DB rules.
Yeah. So, I decided to be spontaneous and invite H out for dinner tonight. Even sweetened the deal by promising a quick dinner and no R talks. I send the text.
He responds back saying he's very busy at work doing some horrendous sounding task, and that he probably will have to work late and skip some Xmas holiday thing he was planning on going to, suggested us having lunch as an alternative later this weekend but he would let me know later but thanked me for the invite.
I text back saying I didn't realize he had other plans and that it sounded like a stressful day and no worries either way. Just let me know. He said will do.
And I don't hear back from him. Which, honestly? Annoys the [censored] out of me because, how hard is to respond to a text message? Add to the fact that yesterday H had promised me that he would stop dropping the ball and be better about responding to texts. So I sent a message saying I was starving, and had he had a chance to decide, because I was hungry.
He responded that he had just left work and decided to stop in at the holiday party after all, since it was just down the road. Told me to go ahead and eat, but he "appreciated the invite tho." I asked if it was a work party. No, it's for the new gym he goes to occasionally. Now, for the record, I'm not mad that he went to the party. I'm mad that he didn't let me know he was going to the party and not going to accept the offer for dinner. Ok, I'm a little mad at the fact that he's going to the party because this is the second time he's told me that he was busy with work and couldn't talk to me or, in this case, go to dinner, but later went and worked out or did something else. Just be honest and say you don't want to talk/see me.
This is where I should've said - ok, have fun at the party. Goodnight!
We know that didn't happen.
So. I decided (now to my horror) to express how I felt in a calm manner instead of bottling it up and blowing up later. So I said that I wish he had let me know earlier that he wasn't going to go to dinner, instead of dragging it out for hours and how my feelings were a bit hurt that he wouldn't accept a dinner invite with me because "it was a stressful late day at work", but went to the holiday party instead, and how this is the second time this has happened and I wish he could just have been honest with me from the get go.
*whack* that's the sound of me hitting myself with a 2x4.
He apologized saying that he should've let me know early, and that it came from a sincere place, but that he thought I had rescinded the offer by how I worded my text saying "no worries either way." I said, and "you responded back to that text with a will do." (OMG Calibri - STFU) There's a pause, and he apparently went back and read the text message and said," you're right, I did. I didn't look back earlier, I'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt you again."
This would be where I should've said, thank you, miscommunication happens, enjoy your party. But no. I want to show vulnerability. So I text back with, "it took a lot for me to work up the nerve to ask you to dinner tonight."
OMG. Please let the ground open up and swallow me whole.
He responds with, "I know and I threw it back in your face. That wasn't intended and the gesture isn't lost on me. I'd like to make it up to you, perhaps with lunch?"
And because I can't STFU. I said, "no, I don't feel that you threw it back in my face at all. It's just tough because I no longer am first priority in your life anymore and while I realize my invite was last minute and you had other plans it's just hurtful that you chose a holiday party with people you barely know vs dinner with your wife. I know that you're doing what you want and need to do with your life right now. I don't understand it all, but I do respect it. It just [censored], especially with your promise yesterday not to leave me hanging."
I mean, could I be any more unconfident, insecure, needy and lay on the guilt (which was not my intention, but I realize can be interpreted as such)? OMG.
He responds with, "I'm already beating myself up over that. As soon as I saw your message I went, '[censored], I did it again." Me: "I really am not trying to make you feel bad, I promise. I'm just trying to articulate how I feel in a calm manner instead of letting it fester and blow up in anger. Him: "I'm sorry be hurt you again, you took a gamble and I appreciate it. I'm sorry. Maybe we can have lunch tomorrow or something."
I thanked him for his apology and the convo ended shortly after. ----- I can't even with myself. While I realize the conversation could've been worse, I didn't paint myself in the best light. I probably missed a chance to validate him - like, "I'm sure the party will be fun, a great way to blow off steam after a stressful day." Or something like that. Which he would've side eyed but would've been better than my needy, feeling driven Drabble in which I've somehow guilt tripped my WAH into taking me to lunch as an apology for not wanting to accept a last minute invite to spend time with me.
I. Can't. Even.
---- On the plus side? The old H would've immediately driven home and done what I wanted. Good for him for doing what he wanted for a change.
--- Be gentle with me.
A few questions about his whole episode,
Why? I thought you were in NC or going dark.
Do you see why going dark might be helpful?
Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?
Your need to control this is really strong.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Calibri, we are two peas in a pod. And our Hs sound pretty similar too.
I think TLEE86 is on to something with his recommendation to stop apologizing. I am an over-apologizer, especially with my H, but a month or so ago I realized that it's actually hurting more than it is helping. I apologize in situations where I didn't actually do anything wrong, where no real conflict occurred, and (perhaps most fatally) where I have no real intention of changing my behavior. The first instance makes me weak, the second causes the situation to linger when it could have resolved quickly, and the third just sets my H up for disappointment.
You invited your WAH to dinner. It may not be the advice you'd get from veteran DBers, but it's not morally wrong either. If H apologizes again I'd respond just as TLEE86 suggests. Otherwise, I'd let it go -- for my own benefit as much as my M's.
